When Are We Going to Die?
by Nairo Xana and Jemmi
Summary: Only a few months after the Akatsuki first showed up in their living room, the three girls are forced to face a consequence they would have never expected... Again, Akatsuki induced. T for swearing and Eva. Sequel to 'How Are We Still Alive' Doesn't suck
1. Unexpected Visitors and Nametags

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: THE WAIT IS OVER! THE MOSSY NISSAN SALE EVENT OF THE YEAR--I MEAN, SEQU**_**E**_**L TO 'How Are We Still Alive?' IS HERE! -dance of joy- We just made your day, didn't we? DIDN'T WE:D **

**I am such a dork.**

**Now for my chapterly rant: I really hate Jason right now because he turned on ****Comedy Central**** and I hate it. And I'm too lazy to get up and find the remote to turn it off. I hate America. Americans cannot do TV! Not TV, not movies, NOTHING. I'm quite sure I'd rather watch the Backyardigans. Or shove an ice pick through my ear. But once again, due to laziness, I can accomplish neither. THE BULK OF AMERICAN CULTURE CAN BE SUMMED UP IN ONE PROCESSED ITEM: SPRAY ON CHEESE IN A CAN. **

…

**And my ass is asleep…**

…

…

**SEE! It's really getting to me! Inappropriate humor from brain-rotting pricks with filming equipment!**

**Leah: This is for making going back to school a bit easier! **

**Hopefully, Eva won't torture me as much this time around (knocks on wood) Whatever, it's gonna happen anyways…**

**Eva: Oh come on, Leah, you know you like it… (-is thinking some form of citrus-)**

**Leah: -.-;**

**Claire: Eva, come on…do not plague the poor readers with your perverted humor…**

Chapter 1:

"Christmas?"

"Yes, Christmas," Eva confirmed, reapplying a coat of black to her nails as she and her housemates, Claire and Leah, surrounded the phone.

"Why?" Deidara snorted skeptically.

"Why the hell not?" Claire demanded, annoyed, "It's not like you people aren't always around anyway."

"You'd get presents! Everyone loves presents," Leah tempted.

"Kakuzu wouldn't let any of us get you presents anyway. Unnecessary expenses," Konan pointed out.

"We weren't expecting you to get us presents," said Eva. She paused, then added slyly, "Why, were you going to?"

"I don't celebrate Christmas. Christmas is a fucking Christian holiday," Hidan argued, saving the other Akatsuki members the trouble of answering Eva's awkward question.

"But you get presents! Everyone loves presents, even man-whores," Claire insisted.

Eva glared at her friend. "Claire, it's not just about presents, it's about the birth of Jesus!" the avid Christian insisted.

"…So?"

"You're impossible."

"Who cares about the birth of that stupid pansy-ass Jesus guy?" Hidan interrupted.

"Seriously Eva, all anyone cares about is the presents…" Leah pointed out.

Eva's scowl deepened, and she huffily stuffed the nail polish brush back into the bottle. "Fine. I'm going to pretend you all didn't _insult_ my religion… _again_. Are you guys coming or not?" she said into the phone.

"Tobi wants to go!" the orange-masked ninja's slightly squeaky voice was recognizable over the phone.

"I think it sounds fun. When was the last time any of us celebrated a holiday around here?" Konan added. "What do you think, Pein?"

There was a short silence, presumably as the Akatsuki members looked to their leader for indication of whether or not they were going to accept the girls' invitation.

"I suppose we could fit it in," he said formally.

"Great!" Claire exclaimed. "You guys have to take a break sometime anyway. What better time than Christmas?"

Leah glanced up at her. "From killing people?"

"Yes. Plus, who kills people on Christmas?"

"So we'll see you on the 25th! Don't be late!" Eva said before the other two could continue their strange and out-of-place conversation. She quickly pressed the end button on the phone's base and it clicked as it hung up.

They sat around the counter for a minute, looking around their house, which was decorated according to the occasion. A red reindeer-patterned blanket was draped across the back of the couch, with matching red ornaments sparkling on the coffee table. Golden tinsel was settled on top of the TV and the mantle of the fire place, occasionally shedding wisps of itself onto the floor. Plastic strings of holly and berries could be seen tacked along the banisters of the stairs from the kitchen. An elaborate centerpiece of pinecones, frosted berries, and big red flowers illuminated the middle of the dining room table.

The final touches were the Christmas trees, located in the living room, and several of the empty rooms upstairs that they had felt could use some extra Christmas cheer. Two were snowy white, decked with shining silver orbs and strings of small charms that blended, but matched with the pattern of their branches. There was a tree small enough to place comfortably on the island in the kitchen that was decorated with small paper cranes that the three girls had made together and wedged in between the little pine needles.

The last tree, and the biggest, was directly visible now from their positions on the barstool-like chairs lined up against the counter. It towered up almost eight feet, so even Claire, who was the tallest, had had to stand on a stool to put the star on top. It shone like a beacon, casting a warm yellow glow down to the other ornaments. They ranged from purples to reds, with yellows, blues, and gold and bronze. Large white snowflakes dotted throughout, spinning slowly one way, then twisting the other way when the strings fixing them in place got too tight. For whatever reason, Jason, Leah's older brother, had dug up boxes of handmade ornaments from the attic that they and their younger sister Charli had made years before. He had insisted that they be added to the mix, probably to embarrass Leah. But there they were among the festive blinking lights, made of cotton balls and Popsicle sticks.

Eva sighed happily as she took in the seasonal setting.

"Do you think it was a good idea to invite them?" Leah asked suddenly.

"You said the same thing when we gave them a cell phone. Nothing bad has happened yet," Claire noted.

"Besides, they were here for a solid month during the summer, and have been frequently returning ever since. The house is still standing, and the only real damage its sustained is that time Deidara blew up your room," Eva recounted. "Why do you ask?"

"I just have this feeling that something bad is going to happen."

"You worry too much," Claire assured her casually. "_Nothing_ is going to happen."

They sat in happy silence for a few more seconds, eyes never seeming to tire of the cheery, festively decorated house.

But cliché's are strange things. They would all realize this in retrospect. As the unwritten rules of the universe would demand, as soon as Claire spoke the words, something happened.

None of the doors or windows were open, because even though they were in La Jolla, California, it was December and the weather was at _least_ chilly. But despite this fact, a strong wind suddenly blew through the house, disturbing Leah's long brown hair, Claire's medium length red hair, and Eva's short, blue-tipped blonde hair. As they heard the hums and crackles of static electricity crescendo, they rushed into the adjacent room, knowing what was coming.

"Why would they be coming now?" Eva yelled over the noise. "They were all at the hideout when we called, so they can't have been on a mission."

But when the wind died down, and the last crackle of lightning collected and instantly dissipated, signaling the end of the jutsu, the person standing in the middle of the wreckage was not one of their usual visitors.

In place of the black cloak patterned with crimson clouds was the very recognizable green jounin vest. His face was mostly obscured by a navy blue mask, while his Konoha forehead protector was tilted jauntily over one eye. The only visible part of his face, his right eye, was arched in a manner to suggest the carefree personality that was usually present. On top of it all, looking peculiarly like a dead wolf, his white hair spiked up wildly as it defied gravity.

"Hello girls."

They stared. For whatever reason, the shock that they had felt in July, nearly five months ago when the Akatsuki had arrived in their living room, was back. Only it was worse. They didn't know for sure, but from the look on Kakashi's face, they would have guessed it was because he wasn't in La Jolla by accident. He had been sent…after them.

After what they had seen last summer, they were sure this was not a mirage, a dream, or a hallucination caused by an overdose of sugar. Though they were not less shocked, it was this that allowed them to get over their temporary speechlessness.

"Kakashi…why are you here?" Eva asked slowly.

"Why else? You know about the Akatsuki, yes?"

She blinked. _'If I talk, I screw things up. That's usually how it works.'_ She said nothing.

He raised an eyebrow. "You do know that giving no answer is about the same as saying yes, right?"

'_Damn it. No matter what, I end up fucking things up.'_ She felt a slight pressure on her left foot, which turned out to be Claire's shoe. Eva glanced sideways at her friend, and realized Claire wanted her to stay silent.

"Seriously, what makes you think we know anything about these…Antarcticans, did you say? I'm pretty sure I've never met an Eskimo before, what about you guys?" Claire said, feigning ignorance.

Leah shrugged. "Nope."

"Er…no," Eva said awkwardly.

Kakashi stared skeptically at them. They stared back. He dropped his gaze from them, and crossed his hands behind his back, assuming a business-like pace across the room. "We've been monitoring several sites where large occurrences of chakra have appeared. We were able figure out that various Akatsuki members had performed it at least once. So we were eventually able to mimic it, to figure out how it worked, and ended up here. You can't play dumb; we know they've been here."

Claire scowled at him. "You've been _monitoring_ our house, eh? That sounds like stalking to me. Not to mention the fact that you're inside now! Breaking and entering! You just seem like some wacko to me."

"Yup," Leah agreed.

"Mm hmm," said Eva.

Kakashi sighed. "Okay, then how did you know my name?"

The three of them froze. Claire paused a few seconds before answering, thinking frantically of an excuse. "You're…wearing…a name tag."

The ninja blinked. "I am not."

"You are."

"I'm positive that I'm not."

"I can see it."

"You can't, because it doesn't exist!"

"Maybe someone else put it there when you weren't looking."

"That's not possible."

"Have you looked?"

"…"

"See?"

"You're just trying to get me to look down."

"Would your head fall off if you did or something?"

"No," Kakashi wasn't amused. "There's no nametag."

He sighed again. "Can you just admit that you know the Akatsuki? I've been instructed to use force if you refuse to come with me or withhold information," he informed them dispiritedly.

The occasional snickers that popped up every few seconds came to an immediate halt. The girls grew serious, their eyes wide and their minds awakened by his last sentence.

"Come with you…?" Eva repeated numbly.

"As I said, I'd rather not use force. I'm giving you one more chance to admit you've been associating with the Akatsuki."

"Come with you where?" Leah asked.

Kakashi paused, caught off-balance by her question, which hinted the promise of future cooperation. "To Konoha, of course."

Claire gaped. "To…To…" As she continued to repeat the word, the corners of her mouth curved slowly upward, along with Eva's and Leah's as they all turned to face each other.

"**EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!**"

This time Kakashi was so shocked that he fell over and nearly knocked over an already disheveled Christmas tree. He awkwardly tried to keep it from falling and smashing more of the glass ornaments as the three girls shrieked in joy over and over again, jumping around in circles and conversing with each other in sonic frequency tones at a speed no man could ever hope to understand. They suddenly ran forward and started pelting him with questions about Konoha.

"What's it like?!"

"Do we really get to go?!"

"When do we leave?!"

"You aren't going to change your mind are you?!"

"Is it going to be hot or cold?!"

"What kind of money do you use?! I want souvenirs!"

"Can we go soon?!"

"I'm going to go pack!"

"Me too!"

"HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" Kakashi yelled as the three of them ran at full speed towards the stairs, tripping over each other in their haste. They froze and stared at him, each of their pupils the size of saucers as they panted, out of breath from their constant gibbering. He straightened up once he saw he had their attention, pausing to smooth one of his shockingly white hairs back into its oddly vertical position.

"Does this mean you know the Akatsuki?" he asked calmly.

"Of course!"

"You should have figured that out five minutes ago!"

"We have to go pack!"

About three seconds later, they were gone up the stairs, though the sounds of their frantic crashing about and screaming could probably be heard at the other end of the street.

Kakashi stared at where the three teenage girls had suddenly disappeared from sight, feeling a bit off balance.

"This is probably the strangest mission I've ever been on," he said quietly to himself.

XxX

Twenty minutes later the crashing ceased and the girls reappeared, straining under the weight of their bags.

"You…er…can't really bring all that," Kakashi pointed out as Claire gave up and kicked her back the rest of the way down the stairs. Leah shrugged, and dropped hers too. It toppled clumsily towards the ground, though it got stuck about halfway down due to its large, unmanageable girth.

"They aren't ours, they're Eva's!" Claire huffed. She turned around and pointed to her slightly deflated backpack, which was what she was bringing. Leah also had a backpack of about the same size.

Eva blushed.

"Why could you possibly have to bring that could be so important?" Kakashi asked, appalled.

"Well…" Eva began dangerously, "I have about half of my wardrobe, all my make-up, two bottles of black nail polish, all of my shoes, a sleeping bag, my pillow, my unsharpened sword, my practice sword, and my actual sword, my sword care kit, half of my manga collection, two of my writing notebooks, five pencils, the contents of my wallet and piggy bank, two of my purses, my iPod, my iPod charger, my cell phone, my cell phone charger, my cell phone's extra battery, a battery replacement kit for my iPod, some of the weights I occasionally practice with in an attempt to gain some upper body strength, a bottle of Tylenol, all of my skulls, and the things I used to keep them in good shape."

They all looked at her with expression portraying nothing less than '_Holy fuck…_'

"That…that's…all in here?" Kakashi said in a barely audible voice, motioning vaguely toward the suitcase at his feet.

"Oh hell, no!" Eva said emphatically.

He let out a sigh of relief. "Thank god…"

"That's all the stuff I have in that bag!" Eva said brightly, "There are three more upstairs."

"…"

xXx

An additional ten minutes later Leah and Claire, dragging Eva by the wrists as she tried to claw her way back up the stairs, came back downstairs. When they let go, Eva was clutching a backpack the same size as the other two, and sniffling in misery.

"But what if I need my skulls?" she wailed.

"You won't," Leah said dully.

"But what about my manga?"

"There will be plenty of other stuff to do," Claire assured her coldly.

Eva sniffed the loudest sniff of them all. "WHAT ABOUT MY SWORDS???" she sobbed loudly.

"Eva, for the last, time, we packed all the _essential _stuff you need. That does not include skulls, manga, or swords. Swords won't do much against ninjas anyway," Leah sighed impatiently.

"But—"

"—No."

"But what if I—"

"—_No_."

"But I _need_—"

"—NO!"

Sniffle. "You guys are meanies."

"Yes we are," Claire agreed cheerfully. "Now shut up, and stand up."

After only about forty minutes, Kakashi was already beginning to grow immune to their weirdness.

He set up the circle of kanji with the same type of red chalk Itachi had used among the wreckage he had created earlier. The girls hopped inside the circle, biting their lips and trying (and failing) to resist smiling, laughing, and squealing. Even Eva cheered up considerably as they realized the situation—they were _actually_ going to Konoha. They were actually going to a place they had all thought was fake. But they had all desperately wished it was their home instead of _stupid America_.

The familiar lightning flashes, static electricity, rushing of wind, and they were gone.

XxX

It was all over in a second. Afterwards, they would struggle to remember precisely what happened since it had been so quick and uneventful. The best way to describe it was probably like being in a lava lamp. Or being part of it, as if they were each one of the mysterious gelatinous blobs that float around in other blobby goo. Groovy. But it was over, in an immeasurable amount of time, being that it was so small. A white flash and then black.

The black of their eyelids, that was, as they had squeezed them shut in anticipation. The sun warmed the faces and arms. Bird calls, both familiar and unfamiliar sounded in unseen chirps. They could smell the clean, fresh air and hear the leaves of the trees rustling. It could have easily been La Jolla on a nice sunny day. But it was obvious that they were somewhere else. Somewhere they had never been before.

There was a certain element; it was intangible, but definitely real. They could feel it in their hearts and minds, and in their very beings. However cliché it was it was true. Slowly, they opened their eyes.

They wouldn't have thought it would be much different from the show. They were wrong. Sure, they recognized everything, but it was so much more real. The gate to the village towered over them, and the cracks in the plaster could have been as real as the ones in their own house. The buildings beyond it were too. The foliage bordering the wide path filled in the space with a mass of green. Everything was so alive. And they were in the middle of it. It was all they could do to stop themselves from running through the streets, screaming until they literally exploded or suffocated from lack of air.

Kakashi, of course, was calm and collected as usual. This was nothing new to him, and he was completely oblivious to the girls' awe. He strode past them into the adobe-colored street, pausing when he realized they hadn't moved yet. "Come on," he said.

Leah, Eva, and Claire turned in towards each other. They spared one last moment to squeal and jump around with joy, then ran quickly after him.

Colorful banners flapped lazily in the slight breeze. The smells drifting out from various restaurants were similar to those of Japanese meals they had simulated, but obviously much more authentic. They must have looked like they were on speed or something the way their heads spun around back and forth across the way.

Eva stopped walking briefly, her eyes wide as she pointed ahead of them. "Look!" she breathed.

Tsunade's office burst up from the landscape. Really only three words fit to describe it. Huge, red, and impressive.

The mountain with the five Hokage's faces was equally deistic. Claire, who had seen Mount Rushmore, confessed enthusiastically that this was hands down a million times cooler. Kakashi smiled appreciatively, but otherwise said nothing as he led them closer to their destination.

They barely noticed the strain they felt from climbing the steps, absorbed in their now constant state of adrenaline. Their hearts beat furiously, to the point where they all thought they were going to have heart attacks as they neared the door.

Finally, they knew. It was twenty yards away. Fifteen. Ten. Five. Three feet. Kakashi knocked. Each knock coincided with their heartbeats, loud and painful in their ears. The three of them gulped, suddenly very nervous.

"Come in."

"Eep," Eva squeaked nervously.

Shizune stood in the corner, smiling warmly as the sun illuminated her dark hair. Tsunade sat at her desk, nearly obscured from view by the mountains of papers. This sloppiness was further illustrated by the rest of the room, filled with a seemingly endless supply of boxes and files…and a couple of boxes containing sake.

Kakashi, once again, advanced into the room. Once again, he had to turn around and beckon the girls forward. They took a step together. Kakashi sighed. "Okay, try that again, only move farther."

Step.

"More…" he coaxed patiently.

Step.

"Girls, really—"

"—It's fine, Kakashi," Tsunade interrupted, waving her hand impatiently. "Go gather your team while I ask these girls some questions," she ordered with her spiffy Hokage authority. "Just tell them that I need to see them in my office. They don't need to know why."

Kakashi left the room with a quick bow and a careful look at the girls. Tsunade waited until she was sure that Kakashi was gone before she continued.

Shizune closed the door behind him and quickly returned to Tsunade's side like the loyal little puppy she was. Tsunade nudged a stack of papers over a bit so that she could see her 'guests' more easily. They could see her too. Faced with her stern expression, they were suddenly and violently reminded that they weren't visiting Konoha on the best of terms. The dream-like state of euphoria was dissolved instantly. She cleared her throat, "Do you know why you're here?" she demanded.

"Erm, let's go with 'no'," Claire mumbled standoffishly. Hostile expressions still weren't enough to put them off their act of innocence.

"Not a clue," Eva agreed.

"You guys…" Leah muttered quietly.

Leah's slight protest went unseen by the Hokage. "How long have you been associated with the Akatsuki?" she asked in a business like tone.

"We already said we don't know any Eskimos!" Claire yelled.

Tsunade blinked, caught slightly off guard. "I'm not talking about Eskimos. I'm talking about the Akatsuki."

"Antarcticans are Eskimos, Tsunade," Claire said as if she was talking to a four year old.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes, "How do you know my name?"

"You're wearing a nametag," Claire accused for the second time that day.

"I am not."

"You are too."

Tsunade straightened up a bit without taking her eyes of the girls. "Shizune, am I wearing a nametag?"

"No, Tsunade-sama," Shizune said honestly.

Claire pointed dramatically to Shizune. "Damn you, accomplice."

Tsunade cleared her throat loudly. "I'll say it again; how long have you been associated with the Akatsuki?"

"We don't know any Antarcticans!"

Tsunade slammed her palms flat on her desk and stood up, causing a loud noise and papers to slide to the floor. She scowled at them, "Stop playing games and answer my question!" she yelled.

Claire and Eva backed away. Leah jumped a little but didn't react so much since she was use to these kinds of outbursts from her mother.

"Don't eat me." Claire requested.

"Cannibalism stunts your growth," Eva added just as fearfully but stupidly.

"Shut up, Eva."

"I'm sorry."

"Yes you are."

Leah shook her head at her friends and looked at Tsunade, who was still expecting an answer. She swallowed nervously and said, "I can't say anything."

Tsunade slumped back in her chair and rubbed her forehead in frustration. "They're _criminals_. Very dangerous criminals. If you can tell us anything, you could save dozens, maybe hundreds of their next victims!" she said in a persuasive tone.

The girls said nothing, and chose instead to shuffle their feet. This was about as good as a confession for Tsunade, and she was about to continue when there was a loud knock at her door. She sighed and fixed her papers again. "Come in."

Kakashi reentered the room seconds later, followed by three more very familiar ninja's—Sakura, Sai, and, of course, the one and only Naruto. They, like everyone and everything else, were very real.

Naruto, jumpsuit and hair both the same degree of neon, was glaring at Sai, who was wearing his signature attempt at a friendly smile. Sakura just stood sternly between the two of them in case war broke out in her teacher's office (which would be bad).

"Sakura, Naruto, Sai," Tsunade addressed them each with a nod. They straightened up and looked dutifully at the Hokage. "You three will be keeping an eye on these girls today. They're foreigners from—"

"—Really? Where?" Naruto asked excitedly as he bounced in front of Claire, Leah, and Eva.

"Mars!" Claire replied in a mockingly excited tone.

"_Ahem_," Tsunade coughed, "As I was saying, you'll be showing them around. Don't let them go out on their own. It's a big village as you know and they could get lost," Tsunade explained.

"I know, I still get lost," Naruto grinned.

"That's because you're a dumb-shit," Sai noted cheerfully.

Sakura elbowed them both. "Be nice, we're on a mission."

Naruto was ignoring her and about to go all ninja fury on Sai's ass, but seeing that Kakashi and Tsunade were in the room, he decided against it. Instead, he settled for quietly glaring at Sasuke's replacement and imagined him being squished by giant muffin.

Tsunade eyed Naruto and Sai, wishing momentarily that they got along a little better. However, her attention quickly returned to the matter at hand. "Find them places to stay for tonight after you show them around. I expect to see the three of you," she pointed at Team Kakashi, "tomorrow morning. You're excused."

Kakashi and his team, Eva, Claire, and Leah, all turned and filed out the door. The girls cast one tentative look back into the office before the door closed. This wasn't a dream; it was real. But with Tsunade and Shizune staring knowingly after them, they wondered if that was a good thing…or not.

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: It's got clichés, AND suspense! It's like a duplex! Only it's not a house…and houses usually don't have suspense…or clichés…OH WELL! YOU GET THE POINT! **

**Leah: I wrote stuff, but still Claire wrote most of it and Eva wrote nothing…because she is lame and is only good for pervy-ness (and editing). Also! Jason hugged Claire! It was funny!**

**Claire: Go to hell. **

_**Ew….germssssssssssss. **_**–scrub scrub scrub-**

**Eva: NOT TRUE!!!!! I wrote almost the ENTIRE packing part. They always complain about how I NEVER write ANYTHING, but when I DO write something, and then they completely and totally FORGET ABOUT IT! –gets eaten by frustration and over-reacting-ness bunnies- **

…

**Plus, you guys are seriously incapable of writing any pervy-ness. I **_**have**_** my uses.**

**Claire: ...I got to use the word **_**groovy!**_

**I. Am. So. Happeh! -squeak of joy-**

**And Eva's creepy. The end.**


	2. Currency and Braids

**WE TAKE REQUESTS FOR ONE-SHOTS! SEND US A MESSAGE WITH YOUR REQUEST! Thought you should know, just in case. :)**

**Author's Note:**

**Eva: I am extremely proud of myself. I wrote…a good portion…well more then I normally do at least….Yeah…can't think of anything else to say.**

**FINGER COLADAS!!!!! XD**

**Claire: AND SHEEP MUFFINS! WOOT!**

**Know what other kinds of muffins there are today? BIRTHDAY MUFFINS! CUZ IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! No, seriously. January 16****th**** is my birthday.**

**Aren't you people special? It's my birthday and YOU get a chapter as a present. **

**Leah: I am mad at Eva for not telling Claire that I was back from Virginia (she was mad a me T.T) so I couldn't help with this chapter (or have sleepover with Susan, Claire, and Eva)**

**Claire: IT WASN'T MY FAULT, SHE WITH-HELD INFORMATION! DON'T EAT ME I'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRY!**

**And don't kill the birthday joy, it's a thing of the past. ON WITH THE CHAPTER!**

Chapter 2:

Claire, Eva, and Leah stood awkwardly outside of the Hokage's building along with Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura, and Sai. Kakashi cleared his throat, breaking the silence and calling attention to himself. "I think I'll let you guys handle this on your own. I have to go…do stuff," he said vaguely. He waved offhandedly to the teenagers and disappeared into a crowd of people.

"So…what now?" Eva asked, trying to make conversation.

"Well, I guess we should figure out where all of you are going to sleep tonight," Sakura suggested, "It's best if we do that first so we can get it out of the way and not worry about it later."

The group nodded in assent.

Naruto scratched the back of his head and smiled nervously, "I guess one of you could stay at my place. If you don't mind sharing a room with a guy…"

"I have a spare bedroom in my apartment," Sai added helpfully.

"I can ask my parents if one of you could spend a few days at my house. I don't think that they'll mind," Sakura said, feeling a bit better that they didn't have to go find a hotel or someone else to house them.

Claire, Eva, and Leah shifted uncomfortably on the spot, not knowing what to say. They looked at each other then back at the ninjas.

Surprisingly, Leah spoke first, "I _am_ uncomfortable sharing a room with a guy, so I guess I'll go with Sakura, if you don't mind," she said sheepishly.

Sakura smiled warmly. "Okay."

Claire looked from Naruto to Sai, thinking of who Eva should go with. Eva was hard for most people to tolerate due to her freakish hobbies, obsessive nature, hyper-activeness, and, in short, her annoyingness. "Okay, which one of you is not annoyed easily?" she asked in a business-like tone.

"This asshole here has no emotions so I guess he's more difficult to piss off," Naruto answered dully, pointing an accusing thumb at Sai, pleased with himself for managing to get back at Sai for his comment earlier that day.

"Brilliant! Eva, go with Sai," Claire exclaimed.

Leah giggled quietly and Eva scowled when she realized that Claire had been referring to her. "Rude!" she squeaked, "I'm not _that_ annoying!"

"Yes you are," Claire said definitively, "And that mean's that I go with Naruto. Great! It's settled!" Claire said with obviously overdramatic joyfulness.

"Um, okay then…" Sakura said unsurely.

Eva grinned at Sakura. "You will get bored to death with Leah. She's a doormat and refuses to talk about guys in any size, shape, or form, or anything interesting for that matter."

"Not true," Leah protested. "I only don't talk about particular guys…" she murmured defensively.

"Ah, but it's the one guy that you say you don't talk about that you talk about the most….Oooh brain bender," Eva said, feeling smart but sounding like an idiot.

"Shut up about him," she snapped, eyeing Naruto uneasily in her peripheral vision.

"Seriously Eva…" Claire led off.

"Oh shut up Claire. You're in love with the crazy suicidal one."

"Give it a rest, you pairing nut. You're determined to itemize the most unlikely couples in everything, even real life," Claire snapped. The three young ninjas glanced at her quizzically, and Claire cursed herself inwardly for her stupid mistake. Though there was no way they would guess what she had meant by her comment, saying the words 'in real life' was enough to raise suspicion. She cleared her throat, deciding they should probably put an end to their idle small talk. "So are we gonna stand around here forever, or go put our stuff away?" she mumbled grouchily.

Sai smiled his phony smile and turned to Eva. "So, Eva, do you want me to take your stuff to my apartment?"

She blinked, surprised at his chivalry. "Yes, please. That's really nice of you."

"Being courteous is a very good way to make friends," he explained to no one in particular.

She handed him her backpack and he swung it over his shoulder, though it looked slightly awkward due to the other bags underneath it.

"So, Claire, do you have any bags that I can take to my ro—apartment?" Naruto asked, refusing to be upstaged by his teammate.

She raised her eyebrows at him. "What do you think this is, dumbass?" she asked sarcastically, pointing to her own backpack.

Eva laughed. "Naruto, your patience might be tried a bit with Claire…."

He frowned slightly. "I'm getting that feeling..."

Sakura tried to steer them back to the matter at hand. "Do you girls want to get settled first or do you want to get something to eat?"

"We should probably drop our stuff off first, so we don't have to worry about losing anything," Leah offered.

"Where should we meet when we're done?"

"How about Ichiraku Ramen?" Naruto offered.

"You are so full of surprises, Naruto," Sai commented sarcastically, receiving some giggles from the others.

Naruto ignored him, since he was learning that ignoring Sai was the best way to deal with his comments. "Be there in a half hour; if you're late, you pay," Naruto said quickly.

They nodded and began to walk towards their respective homes, Eva trying to keep up with Sai's freakishly fast pace, Claire complaining about something to Naruto, and Leah walking silently beside Sakura.

XxX

They had been walking for about four minutes and Eva was getting bored with the silence. She considered thanking him for carrying her bag just for something to say, but then realized how retarded that would sound and changed her mind. But still, the silence needed to end. "So…" she began, hoping he would pick up the conversation and say something interesting.

"Do you want to talk about something?"

"Yeah, but I don't know what," she muttered, embarrassed.

"Then don't talk," he proposed simply. "Sometimes the best thing you can do is keep the silence."

"Okay…." she said glumly. The silence returned.

When they _did_ arrive at his apartment, twenty minutes or so later, Eva was a bit tired, and extremely hungry. Sai was, of course, fine. They climbed upstairs to the second story, and reached his room, which was surprisingly unlocked. The door swung open onto a three room dwelling; the bathroom, the kitchen, and the living quarters. He put her backpack down on the side of the living quarter's wall, near the window. She looked sadly at her belongings, wishing that her swords were with them.

"What is it, Eva?" he asked.

"Nothing, just wishing I had my swords. Leah and Claire made me leave them at the house," she pouted.

He raised an eyebrow so slightly that it was almost imperceptible. "You use swords?"

"Yeah. I had some classes and…" she stopped herself. She had almost revealed that Kisame had taught her swordsmanship while he was there. "And, yeah…I'm not very good at it though. Especially not compared to the people here."

He looked at her suspiciously, as though he was wondering what she had stopped herself from saying. She turned around, walking over to her bag and squatting down, pretending to look in her bag. She used that opportunity to mentally beat herself up about it, and she knew it was showing on her face. _I'm so stupid!_ she scolded herself inwardly,_ I might as well have finished what I was going to say with 'and Kisame taught me a lot, but please don't tell anyone I told you that or they're going to kill me!' Honestly, I'm such a dumb-shit! _

She dug her wallet out of her backpack and turned back to him, smiling innocently. "Shall we go?"

Sai nodded and glanced at a simple clock on the wall. "I guess we're paying."

Eva laughed, embarrassed. "Sorry. I have some money, so I can pay for some of it."

"It's fine Eva. I think we'll all end up paying anyways," he said, "Besides..." In one swift movement he grabbed her wallet and glanced inside it. Eva was too shocked to even make a squeak of protest, and simply blinked at her empty hand. He tossed it back and she fumbled to catch it. "I don't think they take foreign currency."

She looked down at her wallet that was full of American dollars, and it occurred to her how foolish it had been to offer since it could have exposed her being from an alternate universe. "Oh yeah," she giggled to hide her nervousness at slipping up again, but put the wallet in her back pocket anyway.

"You're not very smart, are you?"

"_Hey!_"

xXx

Naruto jiggled the door knob, trying to get his apartment key unstuck. Claire just watched him from a few feet away, arms crossed and skeptical expression present. Naruto grabbed hold of the key with both hands and yanked it hard. It finally came out and Naruto fell over from the sudden release. He landed on his backside with a thump making the floor shake like a mini earthquake.

"Fat lard. I bet your neighbors thought your falling over was a bomb or an earthquake attacking the city," Claire commented, grinning slightly. She suddenly assumed a high-pitched squeaky voice, " _Help us, else Naruto's fatness will squish us to death!_"

Naruto rubbed his head and stood up. "I'm not fat. All this weight is pure muscle, dattebayo," he defended playfully, seeing that she was just kidding around with him.

"Mm-hm," she grunted neutrally.

Naruto smiled and opened the door to his apartment and walked inside with Claire not far behind him.

"Holy hell!" Claire exclaimed, "Do you ever clean this place?"

"Sorry, I know it's a mess. People don't really come here that much...and I don't bother cleaning for myself."

"I can tell," she led off, taking in his filthy apartment. The main room had his bed off to one side, with a window illuminating the airborne dust swirling around over it. The floor was cluttered with dirty laundry, scrolls, kunai, empty ramen cups, and random scraps of papers that she could only assume to be ramen coupons. On the wall opposite to his bed was an open arch-like passage that let to a small kitchen that was no doubt filled with a lifetime supply of salty and preservative-filled packed ramen. Yum. A door by the arch, Claire assumed, led to the bathroom. She feared the condition that it might be in.

Naruto tossed Claire's bag on his unmade bed and went to his closet. He pushed passed some of his shirts and jackets. Surprisingly, he didn't have more than one obnoxiously orange jacket as she expected, but he had a lot of plain blue, black, and white shirts and one other black sweatshirt. There were a few jeans and some baggy pants on the top shelf, the type that most jounin and chunnin wore. He pulled a mattress out of the corner along with a pillow and a few sheets.

"Where do you want to sleep?" he asked awkwardly, shifting the mattress into a more comfortable position on his shoulder.

"Um… I don't think there's any room with the amount of junk you have on the floor," Claire pointed out bluntly.

"Hm…you have a point," he thought for a moment and scoured his room for a spot. He walked over to a spot a few feet away from his bed and kicked a few things out of the way. He then let the mattress drop on the newly cleared spot and tossed the pillow and the still folded black sheets on it. "There we go. You have a bed."

"That works," Claire nodded approvingly. She hopped over her bed and moved her backpack from Naruto's to her own. She kicked it for no apparent reason, causing Naruto to glance at her questioningly. She offered no explanation, but stretched and headed back towards the door. "Let's go," she commanded.

"Okay. We'll probably beat Sakura and the jackass," Naruto said.

"I dunno about Sakura, but we'll definitely beat Sai. He has Eva with him. She's slow mentally and physically!" she added cheerfully.

Naruto grinned. They walked back out in to the hallway, and Naruto again waged war with his key and his door. But within another minute they were on their way to the ramen bar.

XxX

"Mom!" Sakura called, opening the door to her house. Leah stood shyly behind her, clutching her bag to her chest.

"I'm in here!" a woman's voice belonging to Sakura's mother replied from the adjacent kitchen.

"Can I have a friend stay over for a few days? It's part of a mission," Sakura explained as she walked into the kitchen. Leah just stood awkwardly in front of the door, looking at some pictures on the wall.

"That's fine," her mother replied accommodatingly.

"Thank you," Sakura said to her mother. She came back into the hall way and motioned for Leah to follow her up the stairs. She did as she was told and went to the upper floor of Sakura's small house. Sakura led her to the end of the hallway to her room and open the door.

Leah glanced around. Sakura had a nice room. A small bed was pushed up again the wall with a short armoire at the foot of it. A vanity set, complete with a mirror and stool was across from her bed with a few hair products, brushes, and some makeup on the surface, most of it was unused. There was a large window at the end of her room with white drapes falling in front of it.

"Where can I put my bag?" Leah asked, still feeling awkward and nervous.

"Just put it in the corner for now," Sakura answered with a small smile. She reached under her bed and pulled out an already made trundle bed from underneath. "This is where Ino usually sleeps when she sleeps over. You can use it for a few nights," Sakura said.

"Thank you," Leah said politely.

"No problem," Sakura replied. She smoothed out a few wrinkles on the sheets idly. "You don't like to talk much, do you?" she asked.

"Not really. I'm shy," Leah explained simply.

"Oh," Sakura said, starting to understand why Eva had said about being bored to death.

Leah straightened slightly, trying to smile, "I'm working on it though, and I'm getting better!" she said proudly.

Sakura laughed, "It's fine. I'm used to shy people so don't worry too much. At least you're not as bad as Sai who's completely socially retarded. All he talks about is Naruto's…you know what."

Leah rolled her eyes but couldn't help but chuckle a bit, "Yeah. Speaking of them, shouldn't we get to the restaurant? I'd love to see their reactions if we beat them there."

"Yeah, sure. Let's go," Sakura agreed. She stood up and Leah followed her back outside.

xXx

As it happened, Sakura and Leah were the first ones to Ichiraku, five minutes earlier than the others to be exact. Sakura lived the closest and Leah was capable of walking just as fast as her, unlike Eva who couldn't keep up with Sai if her life depended on it.

The two girls took their seats at the bar under the shade of the small awning, and decided to read the menu while they waited for their friends. The man who owned the little restaurant stood behind the bar tending to some cooking pots. Though Leah was still too shy to remark on it aloud, she was fairly excited about being able to sample some traditional Japanese ramen, rather than the painfully phony processed stuff available in the states. Her mouth was starting to water a little as she smelled the sweet, yet salty exotic herbs as Mr. Ichiraku stirred them occasionally in their large metal tubs. After a minute, when all the food seemed to be set to cook on its own for a while, he turned around and smiled to Sakura, recognizing her.

"Waiting for Naruto?" he asked casually as rinsed his hands in the sink and dried them on a towel.

"Yeah," Sakura replied, putting down her menu. She craned her neck around Leah and glanced down the bar, counting in her head. "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have two spare seats? We're expecting a bigger group," she asked and nodded towards Leah as an example.

The man furrowed his brow, thinking. "I think we do, I'll go check," he said. He put the towel back on the counter and disappeared behind a curtain on the back wall.

Sakura picked up her menu again. "He's such a nice guy," she commented idly, referring to the owner.

Leah nodded her head in agreement. If someone had asked for extra chairs in California , they would have received a glare and a hassled sigh from the waiter before he obliged, and only because his job would be at stake if he did not.

"So, what are you going to order?" Sakura asked, trying to make conversation with the silly shy girl.

"Um, I don't really know. I've never been to a place like this before," Leah answered honestly.

"You're kidding," Sakura said incredulously, "You've never been to a ramen restaurant before?"

Leah shook her head. "They don't have them where Eva, Claire, and I live."

Sakura laughed. "Wait until I tell Naruto! He'll freak out."

Leah giggled too, knowing that there was truth in this.

While Sakura and Leah scoured the menu, Naruto walked up with Claire. Claire had a small smirk on her face, but mostly just looked happy to be at the ramen restaurant she'd seen so many times on TV, glancing up at the small unlit lanterns hanging from the ceiling contentedly. Claire took the stool next to Leah, and Naruto sat next to Sakura. As soon as they did, the owner retuned with two more stools.

Leah handed her menu to Claire, seeming to have decided what she wanted and having no more use for it. Naruto, of course, had no use for a menu in the restaurant he frequented more often than his own home.

About ten minutes later, Sai ran up with Eva lying over his shoulder. She looked about ready to barf, but he still had his ever-present smile on his face. Leah and Claire couldn't tell whether it was due to his constant excuse of 'trying to seem friendly' or a slight sadistic streak at making Eva queasy. To their inquisitive glances, he only said, "She couldn't walk fast enough. I found carrying her to be a more reasonable solution."

Claire snorted and Leah giggled a bit. Naruto full on laughed, saying "That's really pathetic, even for someone who's not a ninja…."

If Eva hadn't been trying not to blow chunks, she would have glared at them.

"Well," Sai said, setting Eva down on her feet, "It looks like I'll be paying."

"I have money, and it's my fault that we were the last ones anyway, so I'll pay," she offered, putting her hand to her head and wobbling slightly.

"But like I said earlier, we don't have the same currency as you do," Sai said blatantly.

Eva blushed, murmuring a soft apology and sat down beside Claire, where she buried her head far too close in the menu to actually be looking at it.

They settled into idle chatter, each group more relaxed now that they were around more familiar people. They ordered after a while, waiting patiently and happily smelling the fumes from the ramen as it cooked. Finally it was ready. Naruto of course, was quick to attack his with the over-eager appetite equivalent to a man who had nearly starved to death in the middle of a desert. Sakura and Sai were much more orderly, calmly picking up their chopsticks and breaking them apart to eat. The girls, however, examined their intricate-looking meals with awed faces. The bowls simmered invitingly, filled to the brim with various vegetables, spices, pieces of pork or chicken, and even seaweed and bamboo shoots, all on top of the thin, wavy noodles. It looked a thousand times more appetizing than the processed type of ramen that was comprised of a square of noodles and a small packet of pre-made seasoning.

"What's wrong? Did they get the orders mixed up?" Sakura asked, noticing they hadn't started eating yet.

"No, it looks great!" Eva assured her, picking up her chopsticks hastily.

"We're just admiring it," Leah added as she and Claire also picked up their chopsticks.

Sakura nodded knowingly. "Oh right, because you've never had real ramen before," she clarified.

There was a loud clatter. All the heads in the row turned to stare at Naruto, wondering what on earth could have interrupted his inhalation of his precious ramen and make him drop his chopsticks into the bowl. He didn't even seem to care when a few drops of the nearly boiling broth hopped out of the bowl and onto his skin. "You've never had real ramen before?!" he asked incredulously. His eyes were as wide as any of them had ever seen them.

"Nope," Claire said simply, slurping up some of the noodles while carefully avoiding the chicken due to her vegetarian tendencies.

"Holy shit. You need more ramen, this is outrageous!" he babbled. "Yo! We need three more orders over here!" he called to the ramen shop owner.

Mr. Ichiraku turned around, grinning slightly. "Hold your horses Naruto, the ramen isn't going anywhere."

"You don't need to do that," Leah said quickly, shaking her head quickly in protest.

"Of course we do! You have ramen deprivation!" Naruto persisted.

"Naruto, they said they don't want anymore. Not everyone is as obsessed with ramen as you," Sakura said calmly.

"This is more than enough food," Eva said.

Naruto blinked disbelievingly at them, but slowly sat back down. He stared forward blankly for a while. "Wow. I could never live going without ramen for my whole life. That's crazy."

"You can't miss what you never had," Sai muttered.

The others nodded in agreement. Naruto shrugged and went back to scarfing down his ramen.

Mr. Ichiraku turned around. "So does that mean that you don't want the extra ramen?" he asked a little sadly.

"No," Naruto grinned, "Since they don't want it, I'll take it!"

The girls giggled and Sakura shook her head, smiling.

"Oi! Naruto, Sakura, Sai!"

The six of them turned and saw another boy, the same age as them with an enormous white dog bounding after him.

"Kiba!" Naruto grinned, greeting their friend by slapping him heartily on the back. Sakura waved and Sai nodded. Kiba acknowledged them too, his smile showing his many odd, pointed teeth.

"I'll get another stool from the back," Mr. Ichiraku said. Kiba looked up and noticed Eva, Leah, and Claire, who were the reason for the lack of seating.

"Who're they?" He mumbled to Naruto.

"What? Oh, that's Leah, Eva, and Claire. Tsunade told us to--"

"--They're our friends from another village," Sakura said, cutting him off.

Kiba nodded knowingly. "Mission details, eh?"

Naruto took the hint, and joined Sakura and Sai in their silence. The girls blinked, wondering if they should try to reinforce this story or not. Sakura merely shrugged.

Kiba waved it off and hopped up onto the stool the ramen shop owner had brought out. Akamaru put his paws up on the counter and panted heavily. "I get it, you don't have to tell me anything," he said. "So, what village are you guys from?"

"I thought you said they we didn't have to tell you anything, dattebayo..." Naruto muttered dully.

Kiba didn't hear him. He was busy staring expectantly at the girls. And not so much the girls as...Leah. Leah gulped.

"Uhh...it's really far away, I don't think you would have heard of it..." she said quietly.

"Try me. I'm smarter than I look, you know."

Sakura sniggered, feeling somewhat less tolerant of Kiba now that she had realized what he was up too. Claire and Eva were aware of it too. Claire whispered something to Eva. She held her hand up to her face to keep from spraying ramen out her nose. Leah elbowed Claire in the ribs.

"I'm really sure you wouldn't have heard of it," Leah insisted.

"Yeah, it's like it's in another dimension," Claire smirked.

Kiba decided to give up and moved onto another topic. "So when did you guys get here?"

"Just today," Leah said, still uncomfortable being the only one having to answer the questions.

"So you haven't met everyone yet?"

The girls glanced at each other. "No...guess not," Eva noted.

"You guys should come to the winter festival today!" Kiba exclaimed.

"That's today?" Naruto said dumbly.

"Well," Leah started, "we can't really go unless Naruto and Sai and Sakura go, because they're supposed to be watching us and--"

Kiba cut her off, adressing the other three ninjas before she could finish her excuse "--What do you say wardens, can they come out of their cells for a while?" he joked.

"Going to these festivals is a normal thing to do, right?" Sai asked.

Kiba blinked. "Yeah, sure."

"I wanted to go to the festival, I just forgot about it because of all the excitement today," Sakura added excitedly. She noticed Leah's expression and quickly said, "But if you three don't want to go, it's fine."

"Of course we want to go! It'll be great!" Eva nearly shouted.

"Yeah, sounds awesome!" Claire agreed enthusiastically.

"It's settled then! Let's go!" Kiba said difinitively.

"Now?" Naurto inquried.

"Sure!"

The orange clad ninja shrugged and got off his chair. The six of them followed happily, and Akamaru removed his paws from the counter, sniffing the girls instead. He barked excitedly and licked Eva with his giant pink tongue. Eva giggled and held up her arms to prevent being slobbered on, though this measure was not very effective.

The seven of them soon turned and headed off. The three foreigners stayed slightly to the back so they could talk.

"Jeez, Leah, Naruto world people sure take a fancy to ya," Claire said jokingly.

"Shut up..." Leah scowled. "I don't want to go to a festival, I hate parties...and socializing...which you have to do at parties!" she complained.

"It's going to be so cool! A real Japanese festival! I'm so excited!" Eva squealed. "I wish I had my camera," she added glumly, "And my skulls...and my swords..."

"Stop whining, both of you. This is going to be great! I'm just glad we get to go! And, we get to meet all of the other Naruto characters!" Claire rambled happily.

Eva nodded, and Leah smiled slightly despite herself.

"Hey! Hurry up you three!" Naruto called back, waking the three from their trance. They realized they had fallen about twenty paces behind, and ran off to catch up.

The sun had already started to set when they left Ichiraku Ramen, and the sky was now painted with pastel shades of purple, pink, orange, and yellow as it sunk lower into the horizon of this foreign world. The longer they walked toward the site of the festival, the darker it grew. Some people were starting to turn on their lights, and others didn't bother, leaving their houses to go to the festival themselves. The streets, which had formerly been empty, were slowly filling with the citizens of Konoha, and the eight of them soon found themselves walking in a crowd. The girls made a point to try harder to keep up with their four ninja escorts (and one ninja dog).

They reached the festival area when the sky was a hue of deep purple. The stars were visible, twinkling in constellations that looked strangely similar to those that could be seen in La Jolla. But this was definitely not La Jolla. The stars were not the only source of light here; strings of lanterns hung tall from large wooden posts hammered into the ground especially for the occasion. The pathway was lined with stands--merchants selling traditional baubles and trinkets, artists offering original paintings to passer-bys. Several booths gave off more unfamiliar smells of Japanese cuisine and familiar ones of grease fryers. And the thing that set this gathering apart from others that couldn't be found in their own world was the ninja supply booths. Those that claimed to have the sharpest kunai, and the most silent shuriken, your enemy wouldn't know what hit them, as the sound of them flying through the air would be invisible to even the most perceptive ear. Though the girls kept it to themselves as they surveyed this magnificent spectacle in awe, they secretly giggled at the sight of a booth selling Ichi Ichi Paradise novels.

Kiba stopped in the middle of the crowd and took in a deep breath. "Ahh...I love festivals," he said, obviously in his happy place.

"I wonder if they have ramen here, dattebayo..." Naruto wondered aloud, peeking around various strangers, perhaps hoping that a figure clad in a giant foam Ramen suit would suddenly pop out and point him in the right direction.

"You just had ramen a couple hours ago!" Sakura gawked at him incredulously.

Naruto offered no comment other than his signature foolish grin.

Sai smiled too, though it had much more hidden menace than his teammates. "Getting fat won't compensate for having a bigger penis, Naruto."

Naruto froze and glared at him.

Eva cracked up, and Leah and Claire giggled at the long talked about situation, but not the joke.

Thankfully, they were saved the trouble of an argument by the appearance of Ino, Shikamaru, Chouji, Shino, and Hinata.

"Hey Kiba, you lost your group. Thought I'd return them for you," Ino said cheerfully. Hinata blushed, and both were silent, as usual.

"Naruto, you okay?" Chouji asked, noticing Naruto's uncomfortable expression. He had obviously visited many, if not all of the food stands present at the festival, as he had an armful of food at hand.

Naruto continued to glare at Sai, who tilted his head innocently.

Sakura was continually on duty of her job of smoothing out the awkwardness created by her teammates. "So, Ino, are you guys enjoying the festival?" she asked politely.

"Festivals are troublesome. They dragged me here," Shikamaru muttered, indicating to Ino and Chouji.

"I know how that is," Leah muttered. The others may not have noticed the girls by this comment, seeing as they had been silent and fairly hidden the entire time they had been present, had it not been for Claire. As usual, she was being intolerant of Leah's whiny anti-social-ness.

"I still can't believe you're complaining about being here. You need to get out more," she scolded.

"Oh hi! Didn't see you three," Ino explained, spying the three girls. She frowned. "You're not from around here, are you?"

Eva grinned sheepishly. "Everyone knows, huh. Guess this is one of those tight-knit communities where everyone knows each other," she said.

"That, and you're dressed funny."

Eva glanced down at her black combat boots, black jeans, and skull patterned t-shirt. Claire and Leah followed suit, realizing for the first time how out of place and suspicious they must look. Being around the Akatsuki for months and receiving few comments from them about their style, it hadn't occurred to them that others might notice when they...switched worlds.

"Eva, Claire, Leah, meet Ino, Shikamaru, Shino, Hinata, and Chouji; and you already know Kiba," Sakura introduced them all. They greeted the girls in a friendly way. Even Hinata managed a small 'hi'. Shino, of course, simply nodded.

Kiba nodded. "Yeah, I thought they should meet everyone, so I brought them all to the festival since everyone's around today," he explained.

"We saw Ten-Ten, Neji, and Lee a while ago. I think they were over there," Chouji noted helpfully, gesturing somewhere behind him and to the right.

Naruto craned his neck over the crowd. "Oh yeah, I think I see Lee. I'd recognize that bright green suit anywhere. It really sticks out."

Claire narrowed her eyes disbelievingly at him. "You're orange. Bright orange. Or hadn't you noticed?"

He blinked at her, and down at his orange self to which she was referring. "Yeah, so?"

"Nevermind..."

The new group walked over to where Lee, Neji, and Ten-Ten had last been seen. But, they were, of course, not there. Approaching the stand turned out to be a mistake, however. It wasn't Eva's fan girlishness this time that brought about her sound barrier-shattering scream. The stand did not present them with more of her favorite, previously un-meet-able Naruto characters, but—

"SWORDS!"

A large portion of the crowd surrounding them on all sides turned and stared at Eva. She didn't notice though, as she was busy scaring the stand's owner by practically falling over herself to examine the various swords. Thankfully, all the ones within her reach were safely sheathed, but they were also unfortunately decorated with eye catching designs that were particularly appealing to her low-track mind.

She picked up one, then another, then dropped it with a clatter for a third, babbling all the while about which ones she should get, or how many she should get, or where she was going to store them once she got home. Naruto, Sakura, Kiba, and even Akamaru were staring at her with eyes almost as wide as her own, obviously at a loss for how to react. Claire and Leah were sighing and shaking their heads at their friend's stupidity, though they were immune to the shock sometimes inflicted by her weirdness.

Sai, being emotionless, was not put off at all. He was the only one bold enough to point out to her, once again, that her brand of currency was useless. And he did it with a smile. Eva dropped the sword with a different, much more disheartened emotion than she had been doing previously, and the stand's owner tentatively tried to prod the swords back into place.

"Swords…" she mumbled numbly, gazing with teary eyes at the destructive weapons that she could not own. She suddenly straightened, and whirled around, grabbing Sai by the shoulders and shaking him violently. "YOU, GIVE ME MONEY NOW! **NOW**! I. NEED. SWORDS!"

Sai blinked. "I…"

"Hey look, it's Neji and Lee and Ten-Ten!" Sakura interrupted, spotting the three they had been searching for in the first place.

"Who are they?" Neji asked with a somewhat less enthusiastic tone than Kiba had used. His tone was more…repulsed, as he considered Eva frozen in the act of squashing Sai's shoulders into oblivion.

None of them had a chance to answer, however, as Eva released Sai and instead seized Neji. "YOU! RICH PERSON! I NEED MONEY!" she demanded, shaking the appalled Neji. "You are obviously rich, because your hair is too shiny for you to be poor! I NEED SWORDS!"

"Oh my god, Leah!" Claire exclaimed, suddenly remember one of her own childish fan-girl induced promises that they had made together years ago. "BRAIDS!"

Leah squealed uncharacteristically, and the two of them leapt forward also to attack Neji; or rather, his hair. Either way, he probably viewed it as a threat, but was still unable to react.

"I'm confused, dattebayo…" Naruto muttered as Leah and Claire proceeded to weave Neji's straight, silky hair into pretty braids and Eva continued to beg Neji for money.

"GIVE ME MONEY!"

"You're hair is so braidable…"

"It really is. I've always wanted to do this."

"SWORDS!"

Neji appeared to be paralyzed, except for the slight twitch going under his eye. Lee decided to put in his two cents as he examined Claire and Leah's handiwork.

"Neji! That hairstyle is very youthful! You should wear your hair like that every day!" he chanted excitedly, getting that familiar Lee twinkle in his eye. Ten-Ten giggled and covered her mouth with her hand stereotypically, as was to be expected due to her lax character development. Kiba didn't bother to hide his loud roars of laughter.

Neji finally summoned his voice back, deciding this was too much. "Okay, STOP!"

The laughter stopped, the staring returned, and the girls froze, dropping their braids halfway down the strands.

"If I give you money for a sword, will you shut up?!" he demanded of Eva as he roughly clawed his fingers through the braids, unraveling them but tangling his usually smooth hair even more.

Eva dropped her manic expression and replaced it with an innocent little smile. She nodded happily, sensing victory. He sighed and pulled out some money from his pocket, shoving it roughly into her hand. She clutched it gleefully, saying, "Thank you so much, Neji," in the most un-annoying way she could manage at the moment, and rounded back on the sword stand operator. He gulped and nervously asked her which one she wanted.

xXx

"That was the weirdest meeting I've ever endured," Claire muttered as they left the slowly thinning festival grounds sometime later. Eva walked along side them humming contentedly and snuggling her face against her shiny new sword's felt cover.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen Neji freak out like that," Sakura noted, "He sure runs fast."

"I think you scared him…" Leah told Eva. She didn't receive a reply. She didn't really need one, since everyone figured this was probably true anyway.

"I don't think you made a very good first impression on those three," Sai observed, possibly reflecting on his own experiences.

Naruto grinned somewhat sadistically. "Lee and Ten-Ten though it was funny. I did too, actually. Neji's just a bum." He turned to Eva, "So, what sword did you get dattebayo?"

She pulled it out of its sheath, causing Leah and Claire to nervously take a few steps back. "This one! It's so pretty," she squealed, handing it to Naruto. He took it, but not seeing anything on it that would qualify it as 'pretty' in any way shape or form, handed it back.

Kiba scratched his head, "Me and Akamaru have to get back home, my sister's making ramen."

Naruto's mouth started watering, he was ignored.

Kiba walked off, Akamaru in tow, towards his house. Sakura smiled, waving goodbye, and then turning to Eva, Leah, and Claire. "You three should probably get to bed too; we wake up a bit earlier than most people, because we go to train. We're supposed to be your permanent guides around Konoha, so we're going to have to wake you up and take you with us."

"Ooh! Training! Can I bring my sword, please, _PLEASE_?" Eva whined.

"Um…sure," Sakura said, slightly concerned.

"Yay!" As their group separated and walked off towards their house, it was unavoidable that some of them were walking into the dying sunset. From far off in the distance, they could have sworn they heard Lee cry, "YOUTHFUL!!!"

**Author's Note:**

**Eva: I GOT MY FUCKING SWORD!!!!!!!! When we wrote the part where I couldn't bring my sword, I died a bit….BUT NOW I HAVE MY SWORD! AND IT'S COOLER THAN MY OLD ONE!!! XD**

**I think Neji hates me now. Not that I blame him, but still….**

**-thinks about it more- Actually, I'm making a very crappy impression in general….that kinda sucks…**

**Claire: ….I think I saw your other sword cry a little…..**

**Eva: NO! SWORDY! I'M SORRY!! I TAKE IT BACK! –feels like an even bigger moron than before but had to say it-**

**Claire: I don't think your moron level could go up much more…**

**Eva: I would get mad, but it's true…**

**Claire: Who's the idiot who sold her ACTUAL swords that are ACTUALLY SHARP? (Even though they aren't supposed to be) She actually has swords in real life. I feel that the world is now a little bit less safe. 0.o**

**Maybe a lot less safe…**

**Eva: -is holding sword on her lap- Yeah, that person was kinda stupid...but all the better for me! YAY!!!! XD (Plus, I kind of already had sharp swords……)**

**Leah: Eva tortures me again…WITH KIBA THIS TIME! Why?! (rambles about how Eva is evil pairing nut)**

**We ate all of Jason's donuts and cookies. It was fun.**

**Claire: Fun? It was fucking hilarious! He cussed us out and called us cookie whores. And to think, today he wanted me to give him one of my birthday muffins! Tch. Ridiculous. **

…

**The only reason I gave in is cuz I don't wanna be fat! Leave me alone! DX –fails at life-**

**Leah: -pats Claire-**

**Claire: Sorry for our ridiculously long author's notes. :)**

**And for making it longer with this. Just had to point out that I knew. **


	3. OCDness and Meddling

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: FINALS ARE NEXT WEEK! FUCK! **

**FuckfuckfuckfuckFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I am screwed. God, I hate physics. So, so **_**very**_** much. FUCK! And my history teachers a fag-whore too.**

**FIGS!**

**Figs is my new cuss word…Well, actually it's an old one, but I resurrected it. I'm kind of surprised at myself though, I only said it once so far in this story.**

**By the way, WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO?! ARE WE THAT PREDICTABLE?! Do the spirits that you see spy on us and tell you what we're writing?! Is there some random bystander named Jen that was in Konoha that we didn't notice?! Do you do wolf voodoo and the wolves go and…okay no I can't really make something out of that one…**

**Hokay, here's the deal. This story has a much better plot than the last one. We kind of had a bunch of loose ends and we weren't as good at writing as we are now. Point is, this one has three parts. We're almost done with the first one, AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL ANY OF YOU ARE GUESSING THE NEXT ONE! **

**Hee hee. It's unpredictable.**

**Eva: Guh. Thanks for reminding me about the finals…**

**You suck.**

**Really.**

**I had actually forgotten for twenty minutes….**

**Damn you.**

**I'm going to fail half of my finals, which means I'm going to fail half of my classes. And I'm really depressed about it.**

**And I've been writing more!!! It makes me happy!!! (Claire still says I haven't been. But I have. I swear.)**

**Merp. Don't really no what else to say…so…yeah.**

**Leah: I'm sick…and it sucks…I had three tests today.**

**Japanese: I accidentally said "yeah" instead of "hai" during interview thing.**

**History: Nice teacher. I get to take that test next Monday at lunch.**

**Math: Either I did really good or really bad.**

**I hate being sick! MY BRAIN HAS TURNED INTO GAY FLUFFY CLOUDS.**

**Shikamaru: Ooh…pretty.**

**Eva, Leah, Claire: …**

Chapter 3:

Around nine o'clock the next day, Naruto woke up, only just now aware of the noise which had been going on for the past three hours. When he looked around, however, he immediately jumped up and drew a kunai, thinking he had been captured. He surveyed the room, extremely shocked that he was not bound, and had been allowed to sleep on a surprisingly comfortable mattress, similar to the one at his own apartment. Not allowing himself to dwell on trivial details such as this when escape was called for, he quickly formulated a plan to suit the circumstances.

This plan consisted of crawling out through the window.

He had one foot through when Claire walked into the room, carrying an armful of bulging plastic bags. "Oh good, you're finally awake. You must not have very good ninja senses if you could sleep through all the noise I was making," she commented dryly. She held up the bags for him to see, "Where should I put these? I'm running out of room by the door in the kitchen."

Naruto blinked stupidly, still halfway out the window. "I haven't been captured?"

"No, idiot, your house is clean," she informed him irritably. She sighed and turned around, stomping back into what he now realized was his kitchen. "I'll just pile them up here and let you figure it out later." There was a sound of plastic bags crinkling against each other.

Naruto finally climbed down from the windowsill and surveyed his dwelling. There were now very few objects cluttering up the floor, and several of them appeared to be plastic bags filled with more junk Claire had collected. The floor looked like it had been washed, too, save for the spot around his bed. The contrast against the floor was pretty noticeable. He ambled into the kitchen after Claire, looking up at down and remembering what it looked like clean; except, Naruto doubted that his room had ever looked this clean before. The placed looked strangely bare, and he couldn't exactly place why. "Um...you didn't throw out any of my stuff, did you?" he asked awkwardly.

"Of course not, I'm not stupid. I just got rid of all the trash," she snapped.

"Then...why does it look so empty?"

Claire exhaled and set down the bags she was carrying. "Most people think that if things are arranged all pretty or can't be seen at all then the room is clean. And I say that's bullshit. I organized things. I put stuff you don't need out in the cupboards and the closet."

"But they're all full of stuff too..." Naruto grinned sheepishly.

"Not anymore. I organized them too. Take a look."

Naruto walked over to the closet, cautiously. He generally gave it a wide berth when passing from room to room, in case it overflowed with all the junk he occasionally shoved in there in order to make the room presentable. But when he tapped the closet door opened and hastily jumped back, he noticed there was no need. The floor was visible, except for a few small boxes in the back. All the clothes that had lain crumpled on the floor were now hanging neatly on hangers, too.

Naruto stood standing there, mouth open, as Claire smirked and picked up the bags again. "It was mostly just clothes and empty ramen cups. Not that difficult to fix," she admitted casually.

The dumbstruck ninja slowly turned around to face the direction of her pacing. "Um I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything...but why did you clean my apartment?"

"Because I'm OCD."

He blinked again. "What's that?"

"It means I'm crazy and I clean stuff. Now help me get rid of these bags!" she ordered, pointing the pile of bags towering almost halfway up to the door. The blond peered at the bags, their contents (consisting mostly of a shocking number of ramen containers) attempting to escape their plastic captors and clutter the floor again. Suddenly Naruto's hand reached out and he snatched one of the ramen cups.

"You're throwing this away? This is my favorite type of ramen ever! It's really rare and really expensive!" he shouted, appalled.

Claire narrowed her eyes disbelievingly at him. "It's full of holes, so it's probably filled with dust! It looks like it's about a thousand years old! I found it under the sink next to the cleaning supplies, and they were leaking soap bubbles all over it!"

Aside from the thought briefly crossing his mind that he had had no idea he even _owned_ cleaning supplies, Naruto only responded as was true to his ramen-loving nature. "I bet it tastes fine. I'm having it for breakfast."

"That's revolting," she scoffed, walking back into another room to collect more junk.

She returned a few minutes later with another full plastic bag as Naruto was happily stirring the no doubt radioactive ramen in a pot on the stove.

"By the way, did you know you had a toaster?" Claire noted idly, pointing to a shiny, clean, and apparently un-used toaster.

"No...," he replied truthfully. The timer on the stove dinged and Naruto turned it off, pouring the putrid stuff into a bowl that was equally as shiny as the toaster and sitting down at the table. "This is great, by the way," he sneered triumphantly after taking the first mouthful. Claire stuck her tongue out in disgust and went back to work.

xXx

"Naruto?" Sakura was at the door to his apartment, not knocking due apparently to something in her arms.

"Sakura-chan? Is that you?" Naruto wondered, opening the door.

Sakura's eyes grew wide on the scene laid out before her. "Um...Claire?"

"Don't talk. Cleaning," Claire ordered as she ran across the bedroom to the kitchen for probably the thousandth time that morning.

"What's she doing?" Sakura asked Naruto, raising an eyebrow curiously.

"She's been cleaning my room since six in the morning, apparently. I woke up an hour ago. I offered to help but she just told me to shut up and stop buggin her," Naruto laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand. His attention was drawn to the thing that Sakura held in her arms. "Leah?"

"She won't wake up," came the sighed response. "I've tried everything. I even poured water on her head."

Claire perked up. She stopped what she was doing and ran to the door with a rag and mopped up the drips that had collected under her, muttering irritably.

"Can I come in?" Sakura requested, still awkwardly standing in the entryway.

He blinked, processing. "Sure," He moved for them, and Sakura sat Leah down on the couch, where she slept soundly on.

"What do we do?" Sakura inquired, looking to her yellow-haired friend for answers to this unique problem.

"Have you tried shaking her?"

"I ran with her in my arms this entire way."

"Noise?"

"It's pretty loud in here," she spared a second to glance at the frantic Claire.

They pondered upon their interesting predicament for several minutes, and it was when Claire ran by with a pile of dirty laundry in her arms that an idea struck Sakura. "Claire lives with Leah, right?" She didn't wait for an answer. "She _must_ know how to wake her up!" She jumped in front of Claire, who completely ignored her in her quest to clean Naruto's room. Sakura blinked, and then tried again. "Claire?"

"Can't talk. Cleaning."

"How do you wake up Leah?"

Claire gave her an annoyed look, then paused and looked at her straight in the eyes, saying deliberately and articulately, "Can't talk. Cleaning."

"It'll only take a second," Sakura said again.

The girl on a cleaning-rampage kept walking, ignoring any and all of Sakura's followed attempts.

Naruto decided to have a go. He walked up to Claire and opened his mouth to say something.

"No," Claire cut him off.

"But--"

"No."

"Can I just--"

"No."

She kept cleaning, making Naruto's bed now that he was up.

"What do we do _now_?" Naruto whined.

Sakura blinked. "Do you think she's okay? I've seen people in comas have this level of responsiveness before," she gasped, beginning to become concerned.

Naruto gaped. "She's in a coma? This is bad..."

It seemed Claire was fed up, she walked over to them. "She's _fine_. God, you people are pathetic. You knock on something," she said, knocking on the table near the couch, "and say JAMBO!" They all waited for any reaction from Leah. Her right ring finger twitched slightly. Claire shrugged. "Ask Eva."

Naruto ran to his window, shoving it open and jumping out. He ran all the way to Sai's apartment, which he had seen a few times when they met to discuss missions there. Not bothering to knock on the door, he kicked it open. "Eva!"

She looked up from her spot on the floor, where she had been cleaning her sword with a spare rag of Sai's. "Hm? Oh, Naruto, what's wrong?"

"How do you wake Leah up, dattebayo?!"

She blinked. "You knock on something and yell JAMBO!" she demonstrated. Sai's head poked into the room, and the rest of his body followed. While fully clothed, Sai's hair was wet, suggesting he had just finished with a shower.

"Why are you in my apartment?"

"I came to get Eva." He sounded a bit exasperated.

"Why?"

"Leah won't wake up."

Eva carefully sheathed her sword, which was difficult at the angle she was in, and with it in hand, and said, "Meh, let's go." She began walking towards the door, and Sai raised an eyebrow. Eva hung her head down. "What?"

Without answering, he walked up and, grabbing her sword, threw her over his shoulder. He and Naruto ran and jumped down the stairs, and sprinted to the Jinchuuriki's apartment. They jumped in through the window, and Claire stopped long enough to snort at Eva's situation, and then got back to work. She slid down onto the floor, sending a small glare at the smiling Sai, who was holding her sword out of her reach. She walked over to Leah, knocked on the table, and knelt down next to her, yelling "JAMBO!" into her ear. Not checking to see if it had worked, she walked back over to Sai and held out her hand, "Can I please have my sword back?"

He handed it to her, and his eyes flicked over to Leah as she moved.

The girl who refused to wake up was propping herself into a sitting position, blinking and yawning as she woke up. "Did we move?" she wondered out loud, clenching and releasing her eyelids in an attempt to clear her sight of fuzzy specks.

"We're in Konoha, dork. Naruto's house," Claire said bluntly, plopping herself down on the couch next to her friend. For the first time, Eva looked around.

"Wow...clean." She looked at Claire. "You?"

"Yeah."

"Ah."

Naruto frowned defensively. "How did you know?"

"She did this to my room once."

Naruto nodded his head in understanding.

"Plus there's no way that someone without a dick the size of yours can keep his room clean," Sai said with a friendly smile.

A small giggle escaped Eva, and when Sakura looked at her curiously, Claire was happy to explain. "Eva is a complete pervert. She even admits it."

When Team Kakashi looked questioningly towards the Goth, she said without sarcasm, "Oh yeah, I'm a complete perv."

Naruto blinked. "Didn't expect that one..."

"No one ever does," Claire shook her head. "Ignorance really is bliss…"

Sakura nodded, dismissing the subject with that simple motion. "Well, since everyone is awake now, we should probably head over to Tsunade's office and get it over with."

Naruto and Sai nodded in agreement, though the girls cringed inwardly, not looking forward to encountering the scary Hokage woman again.

XxX

The large red office was starting to become very familiar, even though they had only seen it once before in person. They were learning that it was not as harmless as it looked on TV, and it was turning into a symbol of their imminent demise. After all, they knew they couldn't fool her forever. Eventually she would be able to prove their association with the Akatsuki. And who knew what would happen then?

She looked just as sinister as she had the day before, sitting among her mountains of paperwork. Shizune was also trying to look menacing, but was basically failing. Naruto, Sakura, and Sai stood dutifully in the background, while the girls were forced to assume a position closer to Tsunade's desk.

"Team Kakashi, you are dismissed," Tsunade said stuffily.

"What?" Naruto yelled, forgetting his formal demeanor. "Why do we have to leave?"

"Because I said so!" she barked. "Now, LEAVE!"

Naruto flinched and the three of them scampered away. Tsunade turned to Shizune. "Make sure they aren't listening outside the door," she sighed knowingly, having dealt with this routine many times before. Shizune nodded and followed them out the door. None of the people in the office spoke. The only sound was the muffled yells of Shizune as she swatted Team Kakashi outside.

"Are you ready to tell me anything?"

The three girls said nothing, also trying to look sinister (but possibly failing as miserably as Shizune). Eva, knowing she would just come off retarded, had a smile on her face.

"Why do you insist on being the allies of evil?" Tsunade asked them, a slight note of disappointment in her voice.

Again, no response.

The Hokage sighed, feeling frustrated.

"You know," Claire started, causing her to look up again hopefully, "usually when people do interviews or interrogations, they have more questions prepared."

Tsunade glared at her. "I have more ques—"

"—Ring. Ring, ring."

"What was that?" the Hokage asked, referring to the annoying gremlin voice that had suddenly spoken.

"Ring! RING, RING!"

"Shit…shit!" Claire muttered, trying to press her arm against her pocket to muffle her phone.

"Claire…" Eva hissed quietly, "You didn't turn it off?!"

"I forgot!"

"I demand you answer me right now!" Tsunade yelled, "What is that noise?!"

"RING, RING, _RING_!"

"It's Claire's phone! It's probably my brother wondering where we are," Leah said, panicking under pressure.

"Answer it now! Don't tell him anything about your situation."

Claire hesitantly pulled the White Chocolate phone out of her pocket and slid it open.

"Where the hell are you guys?"

Leah nodded, unsurprised. "Jason."

"You're friends are here and they want to talk to you."

_Crap_, the three thought in unison.

"Well tell them we don't want to talk to them!" Eva yelled.

"They don't want to talk to you," they heard Jason relay to someone.

"Bitches! Gimme the phone!" said another very familiar voice.

"Don't you have something to go amputate, Jason?" Claire said quickly.

"Oh shit, you're right! I'm late for that open heart surgery! Gotta go, bye!"

There was a static click as Jason hung up. Leah shrugged, facing Tsunade again. "Yep, that was Jason. The only doctor who could ever be late for an open heart surgery."

Tsunade was facing her desk in thought, hands crossed and thumbs nearly touching the purple diamond on her forehead. "Who were the friends he mentioned?"

"Figs…" Claire whispered, cursing again.

"Probably Edward and Kenneth. Leah and I both dated Edward. He's very whiny and he keeps coming back to pester us," Eva said casually.

"Funny, I don't believe you. How did you know that you didn't want to talk to them? You didn't even know who it was. What if it was someone you liked?" Tsunade countered sneakily.

"Because, we do so enjoy talking to you!" Claire said, feigning a cutesy voice.

Tsunade retained her un-amused scowl.

xXx

She asked a few more questions, though she did not receive many answers that were more informative than the previous ones. She called Shizune and Team Kakashi back after a while, having giving up for the day. Tsunade told them to keep watching the girls, and that she wanted to see them again the next day.

"So, why are you guys here anyway, dattebayo?" Naruto asked, suddenly curious.

"None of your beeswax," Claire muttered.

Naruto stopped walking. "Why not? Did you kill someone or something?"

"No…" Eva said wistfully, as if imagining the blood that would be involved.

"Then why can't you tell us?"

"Naruto, give it a rest! If we needed to know, Kakashi or Tsunade would have told us," Sakura reasoned, though she didn't really sound convinced by her own words.

Sai, blunt as always, put on his fake smile that contradicted his words. "I disagree. I've been suspicious of you guys from the start."

The three girls stared at him. "Do you honestly think we could do something really dangerous?" Claire asked flatly.

Sai surveyed them for a moment. "Not really. But I still don't trust you."

XxX

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiya!"

Thunk.

Eva tugged at the sword, trying to free it from the tree. "Eh…eh…crap!" She turned around and ambled over to where Team Gai was training.

"Leeeee…" she whined, shuffling her feet innocently.

Lee his head around, looking very strained as he was also upside down doing crunches in mid-air. He jumped down seeing who it was. "Yes, Eva-san!" he saluted in his quirky manner.

"I got my sword stuck in a tree again," she grinned, "Can you get it out?"

"Of course!"

The eccentric ninja darted over to the tree, surveying the thirty-eight inch slab of metal sticking from its side. He poked it gingerly and it fell in a cloud of dust to the ground. Eva stared at it.

"Anything else?" he asked helpfully.

She shrugged, picking it up again. "Nope!" She swung it again, this time at the other tree. It made a similar thunk. After a pull or two, Eva hung her head. "Leeeee…" she called again, making him stop halfway back to his training spot.

Claire and Leah watched from the shade of a nearby building as Eva attempted to train with the other ninjas. Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Neji, TenTen, Lee, Hinata, Ino, and Kiba were also present, though they were making much more progress than the Californian.

"She's an idiot," Claire said.

"Yep," Leah agreed.

They watched as she gave up on murdering the trees and decided to do forms instead. After doing a warm up of fifty of the most basic technique; simply bringing her sword above her head and bringing it down, she made her way through all the techniques she knew.

Neji was watching her out of the corner of his eye, Byakugan activated. His frowned deepened as she continued her numerous forms. "It's bothering me…" he murmured. "Those forms look extremely familiar."

Eva froze, realizing that out of habit she had started practicing the techniques that Kisame had taught her. She hadn't thought that after only one fight with him they would be able to recognize them being copied. If she stopped now she risked making them suspicious, but if she kept going she improved the chance of Neji recognizing the style of swordsmanship she had learned. She decided to stop.

Not bothering to sheath her katana, she walked over to Leah and Claire and sat down next to them, resuming her basic technique of hitting the air. They scooted away from her, so she sighed and put it away.

Leah stood up. "Let's go bother Hinata."

Claire and Eva joined her, and they walked over to the Hyuuga. Hinata saw them coming and stopped practicing with her Byakugan. "Hi!" she greeted.

Eva walked up to her, smiling. "Why don't you come sit with us? We haven't gotten to talk to you yet."

"Um…okay," she agreed quietly, following them back to the side of the building.

Eva looked straight at her, not bothering to say it in hints. "You have a crush on Naruto. We want to help."

She squeaked, turning bright red and falling to the side, since her back was sitting against something. "W-what did you say?"

Claire intervened before Eva said something that would make Hinata faint. "So there was this bee, right? And there was also a bird—"

"—I never got the whole birds and the bees thing anyway…It promotes interspecies breeding and that's very inappropriate," Leah noted.

"Wait, are you saying you want to get Hinata _laid_?!" Eva squeaked.

This time, Hinata did faint. Claire and Leah both hit Eva at the same time.

"No dumb-shit, I was just trying to make sure you didn't say…well, something like that!" Claire yelled at her.

"But why did you go to birds and bees! Everyone knows that's code for—"

"—KIDDING! Okay, now how do we wake her up…?"

Still not understanding, but letting it go, Eva poked the unconscious ninja. Her face was still bright red, though it was fading a little. "Wow…it's really hot."

"Maybe we should pour water on her," Claire offered.

Leah got up and walked over to Sakura. "Is there any water over here?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's on the other side of that building," Sakura told her, not anticipating the use.

Leah darted off and filled up two cups that were available next to the water jug. She brought them back to Claire, Eva, and Hinata. Claire took one and immediately threw it in Hinata's face. She woke up, coughing and sputtering. She looked up and suddenly her face turned red again.

"Naruto-kun…"

"Why is Hinata all wet…?" Naruto asked.

"Hey, hey, hey! Get out of here, we're talking about you!" Claire yelled, getting up and pushing him away.

"Well why should I leave if you're talking about me?! What are you saying?" he demanded, trying to stop Claire from pushing him away.

"Leave or I'll throw away all your ramen!" she screeched in his ear, giving him a final shove before darting back to the others.

He stood in the middle of the training ground, receiving questioning looks from Sakura and Sai. He huffed angrily, arching his shoulders. "You better be saying nice things at least!"

Claire stuck her tongue out at him.

"Claire…that wasn't nice…" Hinata said timidly, "And I don't think you should have said…that…we're talking about him…"

"Well, now he has a hint!" she smirked.

Eva laughed. "Perfect!"

"You guys are so meddlesome," Leah sighed, holding her hand up to her eyes.

xXx

A while later, the girls were forced to abandon their attempt; Neji, who was still somewhat afraid of them, edged over and informed them that it was time for them to leave. Hinata waved goodbye to them as she was dragged off, though she did not seem too disappointed to be leaving the awkward conversation.

After Hinata left, the others started finishing their training for the day. Ino and Sakura bounded up to the three American girls that sat in the shade of the trees. A maniacal smile on both of the ninja's faces told Eva, Claire, and Leah that they were up to something.

"Guess what?" Ino exclaimed excitedly.

"Chicken butt!" Claire finished.

They laughed.

"That, and we're going to take all of you shopping for clothes so you don't stick out so much in the crowd. People here are getting a bit nervous," Sakura explained.

"Yay!" Eva squeaked.

"Great," Leah groaned under her breath.

"I hate shopping with Eva. It takes her two years to pick out _socks_," Claire pointed out blatantly. "And Leah's indecisiveness is worse than ever…."

Ino rolled her eyes, "Don't care. You're coming anyways."

With that, the blonde and bubblegum haired girl grabbed their newly acquired friends by the wrists and yanked them to their feet.

They dashed off to the site of the festival. It had transformed back into the main shopping area overnight, though pieces of confetti and other trash. Several nameless ninjas were walking amidst the crowd with those trash pokers people that people on highway clean-up duty always had. They walked through the streets, equally satisfied with the atmosphere of the foreign town during the day as they had been at night, and gazing in awe at the various shops.

Eva squealed in delight when she spotted a sword care shop, but Leah and Claire grabbed her arms and dragged her away from it, chorusing: "NO."

The inside of the store Ino and Sakura brought them to had a very wooden, almost tropical looking interior. It almost looked like the inside of a Hollister, only they actually had lights and there were no preps. Not to mention the fact that the clothes couldn't be more different. This was definitely a ninja-oriented town, capable of catering to their needs.

"Is this place okay?" Sakura asked nervously.

"Are you kidding? It's great!" Eva squealed, rushing off between the clothing racks. The others followed her, Claire and Leah in awe. Despite their mild opposition to shopping, this was definitely the coolest trip they were going to experience.

Even though Claire had remarked that Eva would take for ever, she ended up eating her words, as they were all there for hours. It was almost impossible to choose between any of the outfits. Though they were simple in design, they were all so comfortable! And though they knew it was extremely nerdy, it made the girls feel closer to their favorite anime than ever before.

"I can't decide between this one and this one!" Eva complained to her friends, holding up two black shirts.

"They look the same to me…" Claire said, giving Eva a skeptical look.

"Me too…" Leah agreed.

"No, no, they aren't!" Eva protested, "This one has two buttons on the neck and this one has one!"

"Go with one, two might confuse you," Leah sighed, turning back to her own selection of clothes. Claire snorted again and knocked over a shirt from a display table.

Eva glared at them. "I just decided I like the design with the two buttons better," she huffed. She set down the rejected outfit and stomped away from them. Leah and Claire shrugged, and returned to their shopping. They still tended to stick to their preferred color schemes. Claire had a variety of black and blue-ish purple colors, while Leah had found a black and red shirt.

In a few more minutes, Sakura and Ino asked them if they were ready, and they were.

Eva was clad in a black shirt; it fit her skin snugly and had only straps as sleeves. Except for the design on the center of it, which was the kanji for blood, it almost looked like a regular cami, except it stopped a bit above her belly-button, showing an inch or two of skin before going into her bottoms. She had on shorts, that weren't so short that they were slutty, but weren't so long that they were nerdy. One of the legs was a dark blue color that matched her sword, and the other was black. She had netting that covered her stomach and her legs down to her knees. The store, much to Eva's delight, had also been an accessory store. Along with a hair-tie or two, she had a loose leather belt that hung around her hips, with a place for her sword to hang at her side. She had always wanted to wear the sandals with the two platforms supporting it, but they turned out to be extremely uncomfortable, so she wore the (extremely comfortable) regular ninja shoes.

Claire had a short-sleeved T-shirt on, which was dark purple, almost blue, in color. It fit her snugly enough for easy moving, but wasn't as tight as Eva's. It slightly overlapped her black Capri's. Her arms had been covered in white wrappings, and it stopped at her wrists. She, also, had on the basic ninja shoes. She had also gotten a small ninja bag, with kunai and shuriken to practice with when she was bored.

Leah's ensemble was a red kimono like shirt, similar to Tenten's. It had wide sleeves that hung down to her elbows, and had a v-cut neck with clasps in the front to hold it together. The shirt dragged down her he mid thighs, like a skirt except that it was slit on either side from the hip down. There was a black boarder going around the cloth, and the sash that wrapped around her midsection was black as well. And it was on sale and due to habits she kept when she didn't have a lot of money, she only bought inexpensive clothing. She wore the black Capri's underneath, which she had wearing that day previously, but they matched the outfit and she didn't like making people buy more than necessary. She had opted for her regular tennis-shoes, which she said were extremely comfortable, and had skulls on them. She had only gotten one accessory—a head-band, black of course, with white clouds on it. Eva had been amazed that they were selling something so close to the Akatsuki symbol at the store, but hadn't complained. The head-band was awesome.

Extremely happy with their new outfits and accessories, they walked out of the store with Sakura and Ino, whom where moaning about how they should have brought Hinata and her credit card. Sakura offered to ask Tsunade to pay for it, and after that Ino had brightened up some.

XxX

Pein was sitting on the couch, having a staring contest with Durham. The short, white, fluffy dog had taken an odd liking to the Akatsuki leader over the months, and was now following him almost anywhere he went—inside the house. Pein had given up on shooing him away, as it never worked anyway. Now he was content to just stay still and attempt to make the dog uncomfortable by staring at him with his strange, ringed eyes.

Durham was un-phased. He wagged his tail and growled playfully.

Hidan wandered down the stairs, looking bored. He noticed the Akatsuki leader and the dog from behind the couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

Pein sighed and looked at the silver haired immortal indignantly. "I am teaching this animal discipline."

"Discipline?" Hidan repeated dumbly.

"Yes," Pein confirmed, "I taught him a trick."

Hidan scoffed. "That dumb mutt? I doubt it."

"I'll show you then." He stood up, and the dog mimicked him, looking up intently, his curly tail wagging furiously. "Durham, sic him."

Durham faced Hidan suddenly. His teeth barred and a low growl emitting from his throat as the fur down his back stood on end.

"Aw fuck…."

xXx

"Where's Hidan?" Konan wondered aloud as she encountered Pein coming up the stairs. Her hair was down and she had changed into some baggy clothing. Pein could only assume that she was getting ready to go to bed since it was almost eleven o'clock.

"On the counter where Durham can't reach him," Pein said with a small grin. He passed her on the stairs as she had stopped moving, confused by his words. "I forbade him to hurt the dog, and so all he can do is avoid it until I call him off," he explained without looking back, sensing Konan's incomprehension.

She nodded and continued down the stairs. Upon hearing the dog snarling, she decided to see the scene herself. But not before going to the refrigerator in the garage and getting a bottle of water. She took her time looking at the two cars in the garage, the Jeep and a big pick-up truck that everyone knew as Big Red.

It was strange, she thought, that both cars that Eva, Claire, and Leah owned were still parked in the garage. Usually if they were just out somewhere, they would drive Big Red. At a neighbors house perhaps? No, it's too late. Maybe a sleepover with a friend? None of their friends lived close enough to walk to their house with sleepover stuff. Also Jason would know where they were, and he didn't. She shrugged; she'd tell Pein about it tomorrow. Remembering that she still wanted to see Hidan being attacked by a mad dog, she left the garage.

When she managed to move into the kitchen to confirm the story with her own eyes, Hidan was sitting cross-legged on the counter, eating an apple from the basket of fruit as the small but angry dog hopped up and down trying to conquer the three foot vertical challenge.

"Fucking mutt! Fuck off!" he yelled, throwing his apple's core at the dog.

Durham yelped and shook his head. His eyes glinted with renewed fury and determination not only to follow Leader's orders, but to get revenge on the apple-throwing bastard. He then looked up and started barking again.

Konan blinked. "Yeah…I'm just gonna leave…" she muttered to herself.

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: Um…yeah, this chapter kind of failed. It was good at first, and then…plane crash. Actually, helicopter crash. Helicopters are more fun. **

**We hate shopping and fail at describing it and…well the truth is I just can't fucking imagine ninjas shopping. Ninjas and guys. I've never seen a guy shop. The only people I can imagine shopping are preps. I can't even imagine myself shopping, it's embarrassing. I embarrass myself while shopping…-glance-**

**My tongue hurts. It feels splintery. Leah has too much fucking junk food at her house so I have to chew toothpicks to stop my compulsive eating. **

**Leah: Jason loves shopping…one time he went with one of his girlfriends and she dragged him into Victoria Secret. **

**Claire: And he bought more than she did?**

**Leah: No. He left after she said, "What's the hole for?" when looking at underwear.**

**Eva: -up until now has been spazzing about finals-**

**Lmao…**

**-back to spazzing-**

**Claire: …I like my version better. –MINDSOAPMINDSOAPMINDSOAP-**


	4. Ichi Ichi and Evil Hokage Woman

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: There's something important today…but I forgot what…**

**Eva: -not amused-**

**Leah: ;D**

**Eva: It's my birthday!!!!!11one!!!! And my party's tomorrow and there's gonna be pocky and movies and ramen and more pocky and more ramen…if any of you know where I live you're invited :D**

**Anyway…**

**Yeah.**

**I'm officially one year younger than Leah and Claire! One. As in not two! –squee-**

**I really like how this chapter turned out and**

**FINALS ARE OVER!!!!! 00**

**I passed all of them, and got a 3.5 gpa**

**I AM SO HAPPY!**

**Leah: I've met someone worse than Jenny. We shall just call her Beasty. She's a total bitch and she's convinced that everyone loves her even though it couldn't be farther away from the truth.**

**Eva: And she got **_**pregnant**_! **At FIFTEEN! She's younger than ME! -.-**

**Sick pathetic bitch….**

…

**Why is the pocky always gone?**

**Leah: That's a good question….**

**Claire: –is dead-**

Chapter 4:

Leah sat cross-legged on the ground, supporting her sketchbook with her left arm and violently erasing her picture with her right hand. Sai looked up, noticing the amount of eraser dust she was depositing on the floor. "Neji might be mad if you make his floor too dirty," he told her.

Leah offered no response except to glare at him. She really couldn't have anyway, because Sai was _painting_, and painting didn't require erasers. And of course there was no way he would spill anything because of his super ninja powers. _Stupid super ninja powers_, though Leah angrily.

She was doubly frustrated with herself for ending up in this situation in the first place. Since Sai had learned she was also an artist, like himself, he had offered to help her. She had refused at first, but he renewed the offer again later when he heard her complaining about being a 'sucky artist'. Unfortunately, Eva and Claire had been there too. They had enthusiastically argued that she should go, and, ignoring her protests, they agreed to it for her.

To compensate, she said demanded that they at least come with her so she wouldn't have to be alone with Sai and her social awkward-ness. She had planned to punish them by making them bored with, but it wasn't going exactly as planned. Sakura had wanted to ask Hinata something and announced she would be going to the Hyuuga's, so Sai and Leah and Eva would have to come too. Claire didn't want to be left out and Naruto had nothing better to do, so they invited themselves as well. Eventually, all six of them ended up going, along with Neji and Hinata's other visitors, Lee and Shikamaru.

Despite these obstacles, Leah had managed to drag them away from the more entertaining ninjas, thinking her plan for boredom-torture was infallible. Yet it seemed the universe was working against her. Claire had stolen some Pocky from the vast kitchens of the rich family's house, and with this simple act, all her desires were currently fulfilled. Eva had her iPod with her, so she could listen to music while watching Sai draw, which also proved entertaining.

Leah stabbed at the picture, attempting to channel a little bit of her anger into the small black hole made by the pencil. She looked up at Sai again, hoping to glare, but the ghostly white ninja was not there.

"Hmm…"

"GAH!" Leah jumped and flung her pencil up in the air when she realized Sai was standing right behind her. Ghostly was for damn certain…

He caught the pencil before it flew out of reach, and handed it back to her. She accepted it numbly. Ninja was for damn certain too.

"Err…I know it sucks," she mumbled, suddenly feeling very self-conscious knowing that a much more capable artist was examining her work. "I can't draw guys, and I was trying to practice, and—"

"Leah, your picture is fine," Sai said, cutting her off before she could ramble him to death.

Leah blinked. "It is?"

Sai nodded. "There's just one problem."

Leah's heart sank. She knew she couldn't receive a complement from someone as blunt and critical as Sai. "It's the height isn't it? My old art teacher pounded it into my head that people should be five to six heads tall and so now I can't draw them and when I do they're all disproportionate and I just can't fix it because—"

"It's not the height."

"Really? Then it must the head. I can't draw faces either, they're all—"

"Stop criticizing yourself. It's not the head either."

"…Then what is it?" Leah questioned.

"Well, I thought it would be obvious," Sai said calmly, putting on his false smile, "He doesn't have a penis."

A blush erupted on Leah's face and Claire sat up, choking on a piece of Pocky that had gone down the wrong way. Eva, however, burst out laughing. "He's right, Leah," she said thoughtfully between giggles, having come over to observe from her other shoulder.

"Uhm…It's…that's because, he's um, wearing clothes," she mumbled, voice faltering.

Sai remained helpfully persistent. "No, but you see, there's a bulg—"

Leah swatted his hand away, covering the offending picture with her arms. "That's okay, Sai, I'll fix it myself!" she squeaked.

"Actually," he mused, then looked at her. "Are you using Naruto as a model?"

"Yes, Sai, I am," Leah huffed.

"Oh, it's fine then," he smiled.

"You don't give them penises _or_ asses?" Eva smirked, referring to an assless picture of Gaara she had received from Leah several years ago when she had been obsessing over him, "Gosh, Leah, these poor people—"

"I feel uncomfortable drawing those parts! Shut up! Leave me alone," Leah said.

"H-honestly, Eva," Claire said, eyes watering as an after-effect of choking on the Pocky. She was still squeamish about perverted comments even at the age of 17. "Go pester Jiraiya. Leave us out of your pervy escapades."

"Ooh, Jiraiya's here?" Eva perked up.

"Yes! Torture him instead of us!"

Sai looked at Claire, puzzled, "I don't mind--"

"Don't care! You stop pervifying things too!" Claire snapped, "Eva, leave!"

Eva did not need to be told, and had already scampered off to find the other Konoha inhabitant that was as perverted as she was.

xXx

Fortunately, Jiraiya was easily spotted, partially due to the fact that he was around six feet tall and partially due to the fact that he had a giant mane of white hair. Eva ran up to him just as he was turning around.

"You must be one of the girls Tsunade told me about," he said.

She nodded. "I'm Eva. Can I read your books?"

Jiraiya blinked at her, caught slightly off guard. "Aren't you a little young to be...er...interested in that kind of stuff?"

Eva lowered her eyebrows, slightly annoyed. "I'm sixteen."

"Oh. I guess that's a little better. I didn't know because you're so sho--" he stopped himself before finishing the word, away of the death glare she was giving him. "sho...shu...sure...ly pure...and uninterested in this kind of stuff!" he corrected himself, laughing nervously and rubbing the back of his neck, much like Naruto.

"Nice save," Eva grumbled. The comment was soon forgotten though, because she was on a mission of her own kind. "So can I have some of your books?" she repeated in a considerably happier tone.

"If you exchange them for money," Jiraiya grinned deviously.

Eva pouted. "No fair! Aren't I a special case, since Tsunade told you about me?"

The sannin snapped his fingers. "Tsunade! Right! She sent me here for a reason...what was it?" he pondered this, forgetting about the persistent Goth. Said Goth waited for about a minute before clearing her throat irritably. Jiraiya turned. "Huh?" Eva held out her hand, putting on a convincing smile. "Sorry, I don't give out handouts. Especially not those that would corrupt the innocent youth of children," he smirked, patting her on the head like a dog.

Eva gaped at him. "You said sixteen was fine though!"

"I said it was better. If you want the books, pay for them!"

Eva sniffed irritably and slumped against the side of the Hyuuga's house.

Wait a minute. Hyuuga...

XxX

"Nejiiiiiiiiiii…"

"AH!" Neji jumped back as he rounded the corner, having come face-to-face with his new nemesis. "How…did you get in here?" he asked Eva, making sure to put at least three feet of personal space between them. She had taken up her friends' hobby of braiding his hair.

She ignored his question, her sadistic nature causing her to giggle as she realized the control she had over him. "I'll go away if you let me borrow more money…" Eva tempted.

"What do you need to buy?" he inquired suspiciously, narrowing his eerie white eyes.

Eva's cheeks colored slightly, "Um…books?" she said vaguely.

"Then why are you acting suspicious? What kind of books?"

"Books that you read…?"

"Eva…"

"Why do you care what I read anyway? You hate me!" Eva protested.

"Because," Neji replied irritably, "if you buy a book called, oh, I don't know, _How to Murder the Hokage_ for example, I don't want to be implicated as an accessory to murder!"

Eva released a tensed breath she had been holding. "Oh, well it's nothing like that."

Neji gave her a skeptical look.

"Really! I swear on…my swords that I am not buying murdering books," she said, unintentionally holding up her left hand to swear instead of her right.

Neji studied her for a moment. She stood there smiling innocently up at him. He decided she wasn't smart enough to murder someone, and grudgingly handed over the cash.

She squealed joyfully and bowed, almost falling down in her haste. She barely even paused when she righted herself to rush past him, sliding across the smooth wooden floor with ease. Neji sighed, wondering if he had just done something very, _very_ bad.

A crash not three seconds after she had left his line of sight told him he had. Though he feared what he might find when he turned around, he knew it would be best to survey the damage now to get it over with, like ripping off a Band-Aid.

There was a gaping hole where none should be. Frayed edges resulting in a rip from a papery cloth-like material made up the perimeter of it. A foot was wedged between two sides of the deepest rip, which was the origin for the rest of the hole. The foot twitched almost comically, and Eva slowly craned her neck over to turn around and dislodge it. She stood up, looking at the damage she had done to the door a little abashedly.

"Er…Sorry about that." She edged out of sight and left him staring at the wreck in horror, a vein starting to twitch in his forehead.

Leah and Claire appeared about half a minute later, making three people who had their eyes locked on the catastrophic architecture. "Eva?"

Neji nodded, still in shock.

Claire shrugged. "Don't worry about it Neji. That's what being rich is for." She and Leah snickered and turned to leave, but Neji suddenly snapped out of his trance, getting an idea.

"Hey, do you know what kind of books she would be buying?"

The girls glanced at each other, an uncomfortable smirk creeping across their faces.

"You don't want to know," Leah assured him.

"Yes I do, I have to make sure it's not a threat! She used my money so if it gets traced back to me—"

"It's not a threat. You just don't want to know," Claire argued.

"Just tell me," Neji insisted irritably.

The two sadistic teenagers giggled again, then together they responded, "Porn."

xXx

Since Sai was busy drawing and Neji was busy mourning his destroyed door, the girls decided that their current unsupervised position would be the best chance they'd get to buy Eva's porn.

Eva poked herself in the stomach, bored with just walking. "I'm fat."

"You're not fat," the other two said in unison.

"I am fat," Eva protested, "I'm fat and I'm weak. I can barely even swing my swords." She sighed dispiritedly. "I need to train…"

"I can help you train!"

They jerked their heads in the direction of the voice. There stood Lee, in all his green jump-suited glory. Eva giggled, not because she thought he was a complete dork, but because _she_ was a complete dork.

"What do you say?" he asked energetically, getting within a foot of Eva's face.

"Uhh…" she said. She glanced at her friends. They shook their heads. Neither one of them were at all pleased with the prospect of physical activity.

Not that this mattered to Eva. "Okay!" she squealed, grabbing Leah and Claire by the wrists and dragging them along.

"No, Eva!" Leah whined. "I don't want to go…."

Eva blinked. "But it'll be _fun_," she protested.

"_How_ is working out fun? It requires _effort_. And I'm lazy"

"Seriously Eva, you're the only one that wants to work out," Claire added.

She ignored them, and they kept walking.

Within a minute or two they reached the courtyard with equipment for training. Lee instructed them to get in push-up position, and Eva did so enthusiastically; Claire and Leah, not so much. Lee started doing vertical push-ups and the three girls began their own exercises as well. Eva did about ten push-ups before she collapsed, Claire made twenty-one, and Leah made twenty-four and gave up, not wanting to do unnecessary work.

When they were on the floor dying, Lee was counting his out-loud. "51, 52, 53, 54, 55…."

The girls could only stare in awe as he continued without a single drop of sweat falling onto the ground. Eva began doing sit-ups, and Claire and Leah, after exchanging a look between them, sat down and began talking. Lee saw Eva's effort and cried out, "Self-motivation! How youthful!"

Eva smiled and continued with renewed enthusiasm. She made it to one hundred and fifty three sit-ups before being forced to stop by her inability to lift her body into the needed position.

Lee got to six hundred of his vertical push-ups before he stopped. "Eva, great! You're done! Let's go run a few miles, okay? We'll start off easy, maybe nine or ten."

Eva blinked. Nine or ten? She could hardly do _one_. "Um…I don't think that's such a great idea."

"Why not?"

"I'm going to…slow you down," she protested, trying to get out of this. It was true, anyways.

"You'll do fine!" Lee disputed. "I'm sure you're a great runner!"

"Yeah Eva, let's run," Leah added evilly, knowing the she was a much better runner than Eva.

Claire laughed. "No…Eva's the worst out of the three of us. It's really pathetic."

"Then would you two like to come running?" Lee mused.

"No," Claire said quickly.

"Why not?"

"My foot fell off."

"Your…foot fell off…." He said it slowly, as if to confirm clarity.

"Yes. My foot is no longer attached to my leg."

He blinked, and reaching over, poked her foot. "No, your foot's right there."

"No it's not. My foot is a myth."

"Imagination! How amazing, Claire!" His smile spread across his face as the realization dawned on him.

"I think we're going to go now," Leah mumbled, standing up and beginning to back up.

"But wait, don't you want a jumpsuit?" With a grin, he held up three green spandex outfits.

Claire and Leah quickly backed off; the dreaded things had finally made their appearance. Eva, however, walked up to it curiously, poking the material and giggling as it wiggled. She looked at Lee. "Do you have it in black?"

Claire's jaw dropped. "Are you saying that, if you got it in black…you would actually _wear_ that thing?"

"Why not?" Eva shrugged. "At the very least I would keep it as a souvenir.

"But it's…spandex. How could you even consider wearing spandex?" She flinched.

"Black is un-youthful," Lee whimpered. "Why wouldn't you want it in this gorgeous green color?!"

"I um, think Leah's right," Eva began. "We probably should get going."

"Nonsense. You have to come running with me!" Lee protested. He began to jog towards the road, and the girls sighed and took off after him. The way he said it just made them feel…obligated to.

They ran for a while, he practically had to walk to let Eva keep up. Claire and Leah easily jogged ahead, although they were getting a little tired and bored with this. After about three miles, they completely gave up. Turning around, the girls walked all of the way back to the Hyuuga mansion. On their way through the city, Eva spotted a book shop. A sign on the front said, 'Now carrying the new Icha Icha book!'

Taking the money out of her pocket, the Goth ducked into the store. She walked to the new releases section and got the newest one first, and then wandered around until she had found the other three. She happily skipped up to the cash register and set the pile on the counter. "I'll take these, please."

"Aren't you a bit young to be reading that series?" The man at the table asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm sixteen."

"Still…"

"Then I'm perfectly old enough. And I have money." She handed him the money. He grudgingly bagged them for her, and she brought out the first one, strolling out of the store while reading it.

She walked extremely slowly the entire way back to the Hyuuga mansion.

The three girls walked through the house and after some trial and error, reached the garden. Lying in the perfectly-taken care of grass was Shikamaru, watching as the clouds drifted by. They lay down next to him, Leah and Claire on their backs, and Eva on her stomach, immersed in her porn.

After a few minutes, Claire pulled out her pocky and began munching on it slowly, savoring every bite.

Shikamaru rolled his head lazily towards them, noticing that they looked a little worn out, "I heard Lee got you," he said.

Claire nodded, "Eva's fault."

Shikamaru propped himself up onto his elbows and continued to look at the sky, "I don't know where that kid gets so much energy, I can't work out half as much as he does…then again, I'm a longer range fighter so I don't need to."

"Hn," Claire grunted, "I agree."

They stared at clouds for a few more minutes, except for Eva who was quickly reading the first Icha Icha book. One of them occasionally pointed out an interesting shape, but other than that they just shared pocky and tried to beat each other up for brief instances.

"Hm, what do you think that one looks like? I know it resembles something but I just can't place a finger on it," Leah mused, pointing to fluffy cloud.

"Swordfish?" Shikamaru offered.

"Pocky?" Claire said, munching on the said food.

"Penis?" Sai said, having stepped outside as well.

"I agree with Sai," Eva muttered, completely immersed in, what was her opinion, the best series **ever**.

Leah, Claire, and Shikamaru choked on their pocky at Sai's perverted, yet expected comment.

Leah swallowed hard and glared at Sai, "Actually, I think Shikamaru was the closest. I do not see those shapes in clouds," Leah snapped.

Sai smiled again, "I do. It looks like a penis."

"No it doesn't!" Claire yelled.

"Shut up and get your mind out of the gutter!" Shikamaru said just as forcefully.

Sai just smiled. Eva laughed.

XxX

"I remembered what it was!" Jiraiya announced as he burst through the door (or rather, what was left of it).

Leah yelped and would have fallen off something if she hadn't been sitting on the ground. Claire jumped and cussed, losing another stick of pocky to gravity this time instead of her lungs. Eva remained on the grass, humming to her iPod and reading her porn until Claire kicked her in the side. She took out the headphones and looked up, grinning once she saw who it was.

"My youth was corrupted long before I read your books," she pointed out triumphantly. "Which are amazing, by the way."

Jiraiya shrugged, not much bothered by his defeat.

"You came here for a reason," Claire pointed out.

"Huh? Oh yeah," he said. What a swell representation of one of Konoha's greatest ninjas. "Right. Tsunade asked me to tell you three that she wanted to see you in her office ASAP."

"That's it?" Leah asked. Jiraiya nodded.

"The woman is freaking impatient…It's only been like…18 hours since we saw her last," Claire grumbled, rising to her feet.

"I guess that means she likes you," the white-haired man offered.

Eva grimaced. "Somehow, I don't think that's it."

xXx

Tsunade smiled upon seeing Claire, Eva, and Leah enter her office. It wasn't a friendly smile or a smile that one would use in an awkward situation. It was a formal smile, completely cold, but almost grim. She laced her hands together on the desk and looked at the three girls before her.

"I've been unusually lenient up till now. You're on your last chance. Is there anything you'd like to confess to before I have to resort to more drastic measures?" Tsunade asked threateningly. Shizune and Jiraiya stood behind her desk, appearing neutral while masking a small hint of concern for the young girls. The other familiar jounin were also present, though they weren't as familiar with the girls and probably took Tsunade's side in the matter of their guilt.

"What?" Eva asked, sounding innocently confused.

"Confess to what?" Claire said.

Leah just stood there like the lump she was and didn't say anything. Instead, she just looked extremely nervous.

Tsunade shook her head to herself. "Naruto, Sakura, Sai," she address, "Grab them."

Sakura raised an eyebrow, "Tsunade-sama?"

"Why? They're our friends," Naruto said.

Sai did as he was told and grabbed Claire's hands and held them tightly behind her back. Claire winced and was tempted to kick him really hard in a certain place with her heel. She didn't only because the likelihood of her missing was extremely high and she didn't want to make a fool of herself. Instead she settled with growling 'Hokage's bitch' under her breath.

Naruto looked around, as if he was just noticing all of the other people in the room, "What's going on here, dattebayo?" he asked softly.

His and Sakura's eyes were wide with concern. Why was their Hokage treating their new friends so rudely? It wasn't like her. What concerned them even more so was the fact that other important people were in the office as well. This was extremely unusual, and even a bit scary.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes, "Sakura and Naruto, restrain the two other and I will explain," she said slowly.

Naruto hesitated, but gently took Leah's wrists and held then behind her back. She didn't fight, knowing that she didn't stand a chance against him, even in his relaxed position. Sakura held Eva in a similar fashion then looked up to Tsunade. The two ninjas still seemed confused.

Tsunade's face remained grim, "Thank you. As you three may have already guessed, these girls are not here on just visiting terms."

Sai nodded in assent. Naruto and Sakura just blinked. They had suspected it, but had been happier with telling themselves the girls were just friends of the Hokage.

Everyone stood quietly, waiting for someone to break the silence. Asuma coughed, briefly disturbing the quiet. But it returned quickly as they all waited for someone to say something.

"Then, why are they here, Tsunade-sama?" Sakura asked carefully.

Tsunade straightened up and folded her hands on her lap, "These three girls have been associated with the Akatsuki for the past five or so months, isn't that right?"

Naruto's hands shut around Leah's wrists like a steel trap, squeezing her hands painfully together. Eva yelped as Sakura followed suit, except applying some force on a pressure point located on the underside of Eva's wrist.

"Dammit woman! How many times must I tell you that we don't know any Antarcticans?!" Claire shouted in frustration.

Jinxes seemed to be out to get Claire these days. As soon as she oh so strongly defended herself and her friends, there was a muffled sound coming from her pocket. Everyone turned to Claire, curious, or in Eva and Leah's case, panicked.

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: Why was I made the worst athlete?**

**Eva: I asked you how many you thought you could do and…yeah!**

**I**

**GOT  
MY  
PORN. And I **_**swear**_** I will keep it for the rest of the story.**

**Leah: I'm going to run away now.**

**Eva: That was a bit blunt, even for me, huh?**

**Leah: Yeah…yeah it was.**

**Eva: Um…reader peoples…I apologize for my blatant perversion…yeah….**

**Leah: I fear what she'll make Deidara do to me….**

**Eva: -evil smile- -goes back to book-**

**Claire: -is still dead and even more so after that-**

**Eva: I want to make this clear though. Claire wrote a VERY large portion of this chapter, she's just dead as we're writing the author's notes. So…yeah….**


	5. Socks and Marriage

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: Yay, I'm first…I don't know what to say…**

**Claire: You're pathetic. ANYWAY. Um…yeah…SHIT IT'S CONTAGIOUS. –hits Leah-**

**Well, apparently everyone was having fun trying to guess who would be calling this time…which I didn't expect…but there's a few fun surprises in this chapter that you didn't know about. :)**

**So…enjoy? Gawd I feel so un-accomplished without saying tons of stuff…**

**Oh yeah! I remembered something else! THANK YOU SO MUCH PEOPLE WHO MADE FAN ART FOR US! TIS AWESOME. –glomps said people-**

**Feel free to make more. XP**

**:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD**

**-imadorkyahkthxbye-**

**I would also like to point out, once again, that I am a good person and said NO when the sadistic Leah told me to put 'Eva: -dead-'**

**In fact, I just called her to ask if she wanted to say anything and she didn't answer. So now it's her fault.**

…**I feel better, it's longer now…:)**

**Eva: -not answering phone-**

Chapter 5:

Sai shifted his grip on Claire's wrists so that he could hold them with only one hand. He used his free hand to swiftly pull the object that was making the noise out of her back pocket.

"What's this?" Sai asked. The cursed white object that had led to their near demise last time had struck again. Eva glared at Claire, and Claire cussed herself out in her head. The phone rang obnoxiously again.

"Ring. Ring, ring…" it said in the demon munchkin voice from before.

Sai looked at the screen, "It says 'unknown'," he observed.

"It's probably just Jason again," Eva said hurriedly, "We shouldn't bother answering—"

"Answer it," Tsunade contradicted her, "Don't hang up, and turn it up loud so we can monitor what you're saying. Everyone else must remain quiet. Like before, don't tell him your situation."

Claire swallowed nervously. Sai released her hands and she took the phone, which was at this point screaming at her in its strange gremlin voice. She pressed the speakerphone button on the side. She took a deep breath, "Hello?"

"Hey bitch! Where the hell are you?! Leader's fucking pissed!" a voice yelled, making two phone conversations in a row that had started this way.

"Gah!" Claire yelped and fumbled the phone between her hands since it slipped when Hidan had greeted her. She finally got a firm grasp on the phone and said, "Um, um… We can't talk to you right now! Bye!" she replied hastily and squashed it closed between her hands.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes at them. "Who's 'Leader'? And who was that talking right now? Obviously not Jason."

"Um," Claire said helplessly again.

Eva looked at a loss of words.

Leah hung her head and stared at the floor, apparently thinking.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair, "Call them back, and don't hang up this time," she ordered.

"But—" Eva started.

"Do it!" She snapped.

"Claire, just do it. I'll talk to them," Leah said softly, trying her best to sound calm in this stressful situation.

Claire hesitated. She wasn't keen on conversing with them herself--Tsunade probably trusted her least out of the three anyway because of the whole nametag thing. But she wasn't so sure of Leah talking to them either since she was so shy. There was no way in hell that she'd let Eva talk to them because being the idiot she was she probably say something like, 'Guess what! We're in Konoha!' No. Definitely not Eva. So Leah was the best choice by process of elimination.

Claire redialed the number and held the phone out between her and Leah. The phone rang, still on speakerphone so everyone in Tsunade's office could hear. It rang a second time and then a third. The girls were beginning to hope that they wouldn't pick up. But as things were recently, their hopes were crushed when they heard a click on the other line.

"Hello girls," the female member of the Akatsuki said in a much calmer manner than the previous one.

"Hi," Leah said, "What did you call about?"

"Well, Leader decided since we don't have any missions lined up until the New Year we could come early. So, here we are," Konan explained quickly, "Why'd Claire get so nervous like that and hang up on Hidan?"

"She saw a spider and had to squish it. Arachnophobia," Leah said. Claire flinched. The spider was a lie, the arachnophobia was true.

She laughed, "Okay. Well, just so you know, Leader isn't mad, he just wants to know where you are. We've already checked all the spots that you usually hang out at and Jason says that he doesn't know where you are either."

"I see." Leah carefully avoided the question, deciding to change to a safer topic, "So where's everyone?"

"Around the house. I locked myself in the bathroom so they couldn't steal the phone from me," she said.

"What have you been doing?" Leah continued. She looked to Claire, giving her a look that said that she wanted her to start talking soon. Claire scowled, wondering why Leah had offered to talk in the first place if the task was just going to be pawned off back to her.

"Nothing really. We started to watch _Saw_ but we stopped because Hidan, Deidara, Kisame, and Zetsu couldn't stop laughing when 'the good boy' ran out of the room screaming," she chuckled at the memory, "Newbies are so entertaining."

Leah covered the speaker of the phone, "Claire, you talk," she hissed.

"I don't wanna."

"Claire."

"Leah."

Leah huffed and gave up for the moment. "Is he okay or is he still mentally scarred?"

"Who, Newbie? He's fine. He's upstairs with Deidara," Konan said.

Claire, suddenly finding a topic of stalling asked, "Why are you people calling him Newbie all of a sudden?"

"We've been watching _Scrubs_ a lot. It's something Deidara started and now all of us are doing it. It's fun," she paused suddenly, "I should probably bring the phone to the other room so Leader can talk to you."

"No, no, that's okay," Claire said nervously.

"I still should, just hold on while I go find him."

"Seriously, that's okay," Eva piped up.

Tsunade glowered at the three girls. She held up her hand as signal for something. In an instant, Claire, Eva, and Leah had kunai held up against their necks by Naruto, Sakura, and Sai. They gulped.

None of them offered more protests, so everything was quiet for a moment as Konan went to find Pein. There was a familiar static crackle of the wind rushing past the receiver, the muffled _whumps_ of the phone exchanging hands, and then Pein's voice. "Where are you three?"

"We're in a place!" Eva said, recycling the vagueness she had used on Neji.

"Which place?"

"The place where we are," Claire confirmed.

Before Pein could respond again, there was a sudden burst of shouting and more static. "You evil bitch, you hung up on me!" Hidan shouted.

"And I'd do it again!" Claire shouted back. If she could have added 'but I can't because I'm being held captive by hostile ninjas', she would have, but Tsunade was staring daggers at her.

There would have been more silence while they waited for a reply, but the arguing in the background had not ceased.

"Hidan, give me the phone!"

"Fuck off! I need to—"

"Dammit, you've already been talking to them for a while!"

"Screw you man!"

"Give me the phone, or I'll kick all of your asses."

It was almost hard to tell which one was Hidan. Tsunade and the ninjas under her command continued to listen to the useless scrabble, hoping for clues. The girls figured they were already as good as doomed, though, since a couple names had been mentioned. But since the Hokage hadn't yet given them the signal to hang up, or that it was okay for them to reveal their location and company, they had to keep up the façade.

Claire sighed, getting impatient with their endless bickering. In an attempt to hurry the conversation along (and get the kunai off her neck) she interrupted them. "OY! SOMEONE GET ON THE PHONE! ALL YOU OTHER FUCKERS, BACK OFF!" she yelled at the little device. They waited while the arguing subsided to grumbles.

"That wasn't nice," Kisame said, "And you also aren't being very hospitable. If you're gonna invite people to your house, you should be there when they come."

"Technically, you came early, four days in fact, so it's not our fault," Leah pointed out.

"Hey, guess what?" Kisame asked excitedly, immediately forgetting he was supposed to be scolding them.

The girls glanced at the Hokage, who nodded encouragingly, seeing promise for some information.

"What?" Eva responded grudgingly.

"Okay, okay, listen. I was really bored, so I went upstairs and I saw these socks, right?" Tsunade silently let her head fall to her desk in frustration. "And they were red. And—and—no, fuck off Newbie I'm telling a story. Right, so, I got these socks—"

"Does this story have a point?" Claire interrupted.

"I'm not finished!"

"But does it have a point?"

There was silence on the other end.

"Kisame, gimme the phone."

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

Leah sighed. "Kisame, give Tobi the phone."

"Fine," Kisame grumbled, "May I ask what it is that your Newbie mind wants to say?"

They heard a _whoosh_ as Tobi snatched the phone away, "DEIDARA-SENPAI LOVES LEAH!" he yelled quickly. Naruto's hands tightened around Leah's wrists even more, so much that she couldn't even feel her hands anymore.

"_You asshole! I'm going to kill you, un!_" came a high pitched squeaky voice. It sounded like Theodore from _Alvin and the Chipmunks_.

"Are you going to blow me up?" Tobi said fearlessly.

"_Screw you!_"

Tobi laughed, "Deidara-senpai, I've never seen your face so red. Are you blushing? It looks like it."

Tsunade and the other ninja in the room looked as if they didn't know what to make of the weird munchkin voice. Shizune bit her lip and Jiraiya held his fist to his mouth.

Tobi wasn't done yet. He was in a rare position of power over Deidara and was going to take full advantage of it, "Deidara's in love with Leah, Deidara's in love with Leah!" Tobi sang.

"_Shut up, un!_"

Tobi still wasn't done, deciding that he would have more fun with this while it lasted, "He loooooooves you Leah, he wants to take you on dates and hug and kiss and stuff. And he wants to marry you and for you to have his kids and—" Tobi stopped talking briefly, causing puzzled looks to come to the face of the Konoha ninja. "Holy crow that's biggest bomb I've ever seen—Deidara-senpai, you know I was just playing right? Right?"

Deidara growled, "Newbie you are so going down," he said, his voice normal again.

Tobi now sounded panicked, "You can't blame this all on me! It's Charli's fault, she's the one who gave you helium," he defended while tripping over his words.

Deidara said nothing, though he could now that he had removed all the vile gas from his system by yelling at Tobi.

There was a loud smack as the phone presumably dropped to the ground.

The next thing they heard was Tobi screaming, "Don't blow me up! I'm a good boy!"

The phone was picked up again by Kisame, "Newbie's an idiot," he pointed out the obvious. "Oh! Yeah, I forgot. I was supposed to ask where you where."

"We already told you, in a place!" Leah exclaimed.

"…Here's Leader."

"Eva," Leader said. "I have your skulls, and I have a sledgehammer. Where are you?"

Knowing that if there was anyway to get to Eva, it was to threaten the safety of her skulls, Claire went to put her hand over Eva's mouth. Eva ripped it off for a second. "You said that it wouldn't matter if I didn't bring my skulls!" Her angry voice was directed at Leah and Claire.

A smashing sound, like bones shattering echoed through the phone. "You have the two big ones left. Feel like telling me where you are?"

Eva's eyes teared up, and salty drops began to slide down her face. "G-g-g-GEORGINA!!"

"And Hennifer Lopez is next."

"We're in mmmph!"

At the last second, Claire had replaced her hand over Eva's mouth.

This didn't stop her from trying though, "Kmmmnoah! Kmmmnommma!"

"Konoha," Leader said, and it sounded like the speaker on the phone was being muffled by his hand.

Tsunade sent Eva a death glare.

Sakura's nails began to dig into to the Goth's wrists, and she grimaced against it.

"Is that all?" Claire asked dully.

There was a small scuffle and suddenly Deidara was on the phone, "Konoha? I've always wanted to bomb Konoha." He pulled his mouth away from the phone. "I can, right? I can bomb them?"

Every set of ninja eyes widened at this, remembering the incident in Suna.

Itachi was heard in the background. "Blowing stuff up doesn't solve all of life's problems."

"_That_ is a matter of opinion," he snapped back. "And it just so happens that yours is wrong and mine is right."

"That's completely contradicto—"

"HEY CRAZY DUDES…AND GIRL!" a familiar Jason voice interrupted, sounding incredibly excited. Without waiting for a response he yelled, "I'M GETTING MARRIED!"

"Why the fuck are you shaking me, man?!" Hidan shouted back, since Jason had grabbed Hidan and was squashing him in his excitement.

"Congratulations Jason!" Tobi said, sharing the weird blonde doctor's crazy happiness.

"Good luck," Kakuzu scoffed.

Jason stopped his rambling for a minute. "You're married?"

"Was. She…died. Married life is very…spontaneous," he paused as if remembering something, "I got most of her money when she passed though, so I guess it was okay."

"Kakuzu-san…you didn't kill your wife, did you?" Tobi asked carefully.

"I said she died."

"But how?"

"I said she died! Drop the topic and stop being a nosy fucktard! Most people don't like talking about their dead spouses."

"You're a very greedy bastard," Hidan pointed out the well known fact, ignoring his supposed 'grief'.

Jason then remembered a more important matter. "Where's my sister, did you guys…and girl figure it out yet?"

"We have a hostage situation," Pein said blatantly.

A new childlike, but equally familiar voice spoke now, "Well, was I right?"

Leader was silent. "Partially."

"What's she talking about?" Zetsu asked.

The satanic evil eleven year old girl chuckled darkly. "I said that they got kidnapped by some ninja person from your world, taken to Konoha for questioning about you guys, they of won't say anything. And now we just so happen to be talking to them and they're probably in Tsunade's office with kunai held to their necks. The Kyuubi kid is most likely in there too, along with other important ninja. And they're monitoring everything we're saying, waiting to see if the slightest amount of information will slip out about you guys," Charli said.

"Kay, that's nice, we're going now!" Claire muttered hurriedly. She snapped the phone shut and pulled out the battery, putting both pieces of the phone in separate pockets just to be safe. She figured Tsunade's shocked expression at the 11 year-old guessing their entire situation would be a valid excuse to hang up. "See? Eskimos are smarter than them. And they don't wear socks, they wear boots," she told Tsunade, as if Eskimo footwear was the deciding factor.

Tsunade stood up violently, knocking over a stack of papers in the process. "I AM NOT ASKING YOU ABOUT ESKIMOS OR ANTARCTICANS! I AM ASKING YOU ABOUT THE AKATSUKI!" she thundered, "Why you three refuse to cooperate, I don't know. You don't seem to understand that these people are _murderers! _Either that or you don't care!" Everyone in the room was silent, watching their distressed leader sympathetically. Her voice got quieter, but somehow did not seem less dangerous.

"As soon as we get solid proof that you are associated with them, I will have you punished as their accomplices. Until then, you are dismissed."

She sat down and Naruto, Sakura, and Sai escorted them from the room without a word.

xXx

They stood in front of the giant red building for a few minutes. No one said a word. The young ninja's exchanged glances, but did not even look at Eva, Claire, and Leah. All of them were disappointed in the three girls, including themselves, and it showed on their faces. The exception was Sai, for the obvious reason that he had no emotions.

Naruto sighed. They all turned towards him, expecting him to say something. He didn't, he just looked back at Sakura, then briefly over the girls.

Sai smiled at the girls. "I knew that you weren't the Hokage's friends, but I didn't expect that you knew the Akatsuki. Let alone that you're all friends with them." Despite how depressing the words were to the girls, he said them with his signature false smile.

"How can you say that so lightly?!" Naruto shouted, gaining the attention of a couple of people passing by.

Sai blinked, vaguely wondering what he had done to make Naruto mad at him this time. "I just—"

"They know the Akatsuki and they've been trying to pass themselves off as just visitors!" Naruto had lowered his voice into a raspy whisper, so he would not get anymore unwanted attention. "They were in our _houses_! They could have been trying to get information on us to take back to the Akatsuki to help them! I can't believe we trusted them."

"I'm not saying it's not bad, I'm just saying that didn't expect it," Sai said.

Claire rubbed the side of her neck, something she often did when in uncomfortable situations. "Technically, Kakashi came to our house and brought us here. We didn't come here with any bad intentions," she pointed out, but immediately regretted it.

Naruto turned to them, the whiskers on his face getting just a little bit thicker at that comment. Sakura hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, but he shook it off and continued scolding the girls.

"Why the hell did you befriend them?! Don't you know that they're bad people?!" He was yelling again.

"Well that really depends on your definition of 'bad'…" Eva mumbled.

"Bad?! Of course they're bad! They murder people, and kidnap them, and—"

"You're not talking about us, are you?"

Temari stood a couple yards away with Kankuro and Gaara. She was trying to appear friendly, but there was no hiding the apprehensive overtones in her expression. Kankuro also seemed to know his sister had interrupted something important, but was also determined to say nothing to put him in danger of Naruto's wrath. The Kazekage remained as expressionless as a log.

Naruto didn't answer. He glared at the Sand siblings for a moment, then straightened up.

Temari tried to lighten the mood. "Tsunade wanted to see us about some security issues. Something to do with the Akatsuki—"

"—Oh! The Akatsuki! Well maybe our friends Eva, Leah, and Claire would know something about that!" Naruto said loudly, having been set off again.

"What's his problem?" Kankuro whispered to Sakura.

"Dickless here is mad because he didn't know his new friends were in the Akatsuki," Sai answered for her, indicating to the accused.

"They're in the Akatsuki?!" Kankuro repeated, taking a big step back and tensing up, prepared for a fight.

Leah, Claire, and Eva blinked. "We aren't in the Akatsuki," Claire pointed out irritably, "We just know them! Honestly, have you ever seen Eva try to run?"

Eva scowled. "Hey!"

"It's true though," Leah said quietly.

"Yeah…" Eva said. Two hundred sit-ups were already a bit more than her limit.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," Naruto continued in his mocking voice, "They're not _in_ the Akatsuki, they're the Akatsuki's _personal informants_."

"Oh, give it a rest!" Claire snapped.

"No! Gaara, Kankuro, Temari, hate them!"

"What? That's not fair, they don't even know us yet!" Eva whined.

"Doesn't matter. Hate them!" Naruto ordered again.

"We need to go talk to Tsunade," Gaara said antisocially. He turned toward the red building that had just recently sealed the girls' doom, and Kankuro and Temari followed hesitantly.

There was a tense silence among the six of them. The Sand siblings had been mediators to interrupt their argument, and though they hadn't been very good ones, it was better than being alone with three angry ninjas.

Fortunately, this didn't last long either. Kiba and Akamaru came bounding up.

"Heh. What's up, Leah?" he grinned, unaware of the frosty atmosphere.

"Kiba, don't talk to them," Naruto hissed.

Kiba frowned, "Why not?"

"You might get in trouble with her boyfriend in the Akatsuki, dattebayo." The girls sighed again in frustration.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"They're with the Akatsuki, Kiba," Sakura said gravely.

Kiba looked back and forth between the ninja's serious faces and the girls' innocent ones. "You kidding?"

"No! They've been lying to us the whole time! They—"

"—Yo, Naruto, rhetorical question. Anyway, that's ridiculous. Akamaru likes them too much for them to be…you know…evil," Kiba replied, gesturing towards the dog that had not stopped trying to lick his way through the three girls since they had arrived.

"Tsunade told us. They've been observing them for weeks," Sai informed him.

"I thought they didn't let girls join the Akatsuki," said Kiba.

"What about that blonde chick that kidnapped Gaara?" Naruto demanded.

Despite their situation, the girls were still able to giggle. "That was a guy," Claire pointed out.

"And the one that's in love with Leah," Eva added. Leah elbowed Eva in the stomach, but Naruto didn't notice. He was still absorbed in his anger.

"Oh, well, you would know wouldn't you?!"

"What's the big deal?" Eva asked, starting to get a little mad now herself. "You were fine with us before, and we weren't any different!"

"It's completely different! That was when I didn't know you were with the Akatsuki!"

"It shouldn't matter!"

Naruto froze. His eyes were starting to take on a reddish hue and his fists were clenched. Eva and Claire glared back at him. Sakura and Leah just looked sad. Sai looked neutral, and Kiba looked concerned.

"Maybe you need to chill out, man," Kiba suggested, "You are being a little harsh."

The Kyuubi boy did not respond at once. Instead, he turned around and started walking away. "Fine. Since no one agrees with me, I guess I'll just leave."

"Naruto," Sakura started, taking a step towards him.He kept walking.

"He must be PMSing," Sai mused.

"Shut up Sai, you aren't helping," Kiba grunted. "Hey, Naruto, come back!"

He broke into a run and headed towards the forests that bordered Konoha. The vibrant neon colors of his hair and jacket started shrinking and dimming as he got farther away and the sky got darker. Soon it started raining.

"I'll go after him. Me and Akamaru can find him in the rain," Kiba offered. Soon he and the giant white dog disappeared too.

They moved under a nearby awning, watching fat drops of water drip slowly from its soaked fabric. The girls shivered slightly since their hair and clothes were also wet, but they didn't dare complain. They were also a bit mad at their ninja guardians, and not keen on speaking to them either. So they stubbornly remained silent and determined to tough it out.

Not long after Kiba and Akamaru had left, they heard a loud rustle and a crash. Sakura and Sai shifted anxiously. "That was a tree. I think we should go after Naruto too," Sakura said. "If he gets really mad, it'll take all of us, at least, to restrain him."

Sai nodded.

"Can you three stay here?" Sakura's voice was tense and commanding. The girls remained stony faced, and the drip of the rain filled the silence. Sakura sighed and she and she and Sai dashed off into the wet street.

Eva slowly lowered herself down to the ground, her wet skirt making a rather yucky squelching noise against the cold ground. Leah and Claire mimicked her and stared out into the deserted path.

Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Kiba, Akamaru did not return after ten minutes. Or twenty. Or thirty.

"Okay, seriously. Where are they?" Eva complained. "I'm wet, and I'm cold, and I'm bored. And I have to make sure my sword doesn't rust in the water, but I can't take it out to check if it's wet because then it will get _more_ wet!"

"Eva, stop being OCD about your stupid sword. It's not going to fall apart just after getting wet," Claire sighed.

"But...meh…," she whined. "Still…"

"No Eva. Not still. 'Still' would mean that there's another point that you haven't made yet. There isn't."

She glared at her friend. "Bitch."

"Fine, but my first point is still valid. Where are they?"

"Hell if I know."

Eva blinked. "Leah's being too quiet."

"It's Leah."

"Still."

"Eva," Claire looked at her like she had a mushroom growing off of her nose. "Shut up."

"I'm trying to make conversation. I'm _bored_."

"You know," Leah said, "It's really pretty here…."

Eva and Claire looked out. The rain pounded down on the concrete, meeting it in a misty haze. There was no blue sky to be seen anymore, but simply gray, dreary clouds. There were no animals out, but everything smelled fresh, like it had just come out of the laundry. It was a kind of sad, and a bit depressing, but beautiful in its entirety.

Eva was awestruck. "It's amazing." She was almost tempted to say 'Why doesn't it ever look this beautiful in La Jolla?' but she would spare Claire the trouble by answering it herself. Because they were in Konoha. They would probably be thinking something un-original like that this was the happiest they'd been in a long time, only it wasn't. They were actually very un-happy. They meet the Akatsuki, and they're awesome. They meet the other Naruto characters, and they're awesome. But they find out that they thought the Akatsuki were awesome and now hate them. And now their fun trip to Konoha was going to be hellish. It was all quite confusing and depressing.

And because it was depressing, and it felt like it really couldn't get much worse, the laws of the universe demanded that it did.

The three girls looked up at the sound of the footsteps. A shadow blocked out the grayish light that was seeping through the clouds, and a black silhouette was outlined by it.

"You're coming with us."

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: Beware…in the next chapter will be the most sexy-fine thing you've ever heard of. And it's not a character from the show.**

**Claire: …Okay…It is true though…**

**HAW. MOAR SUSPENSE. **

**I could laugh at your anguish, but instead I'm going to be nice! I had this idea a while ago but it was kind of too late to post it so I'm starting it in this chapter. I personally like knowing things, and I think you people might be less antsy if we start predicting when we're going to post the next chapter. Keep in mind, this is a prediction and won't necessarily come true. It could be before or after the date we set, but we'll try to make it within three days either way. **

**So we think we'll have chapter 6 up by February 29****th****. Cuz leap year is fun:D**


	6. Sexy Almighty Being and Campfires

**Author's Note:**

**Eva: Okay, we get back from school, and we check our reviews and there's one that says 'It's the 29****th****! Update!' PATIENCE PEOPLE! Give us a chance to breathe first. -.-;;;;**

**I am very proud of myself. I wrote a **_**lot**_** of this chapter. Almost all of it. And we meet people. And I get to read my porn. XDDDDDD And Claire's being bitchy…. -.-**

**But we made a new friend at school. Her name's Alyssa. She's cool. Yeah.**

**Claire: You are so random and pointless. DX **

**It irks me. **

**Yeah, though, we only got out of school forty minutes ago (13 of which Eva spent typing her pointless author's note)! And then we have to go through and do last minute editing and add our author's notes and…yeah! So there!**

**Eva: …You counted…?**

**Leah: -playing Kingdom Hearts-**

**Claire: Finally! I've been trying to get her to play it for years. And so last weekend I forced my Playstation 2 on her to give her no excuse not to. :D**

Chapter 6:

"…and then the ANBU will come out and attack Hidan and Kakuzu. Kakuzu should hold them off and more than likely die in the process. Hidan sneaks into Tsunade's office and by that time Zetsu, Itachi, and Kisame should have Tsunade in captivity. If she resists questioning, Hidan can kill Shizune thus making her think that you'll go through with all of your threats. Deidara hovers above the city with all bombs ready to be detonated at his will unless Tsunade tells us where the girls are. Since she'll consider the safety of her village over the girls, she'll give them up and you can all leave. Deidara will stay poised until you all get a good enough head start, and then he will leave without blowing up the city. So that's the plan with minimal loss of life," she said, labeling the said positions on her map of Konoha.

Kakuzu raised his hand, "Why do I die in six of seven of your plans?"

"Because I hate you," Charli said simply.

"Better question," Kisame said, "Why are we listening to an eleven year old?"

Charli rolled her eyes at his inferior intelligence, "Because I happen to know what I'm talking about."

They all went quiet and looked to Leader, who was looking at the map for the first plan of Charli's that didn't involve anyone dying.

"Leader-sama?" Tobi asked, "Why are _you_ listening to her?"

Pein blinked, realizing how weird this was, but made no other facial expressions that would give away his feelings. He was a grown man with a lot more shinobi experience, life experience, and higher intelligence, yet he was paying attention. He turned his ringed, glowing eyes in Tobi's direction. "Don't question my judgment."

Charli turned toward Pein, smiling in her sickly cute way, blue eyes sparkling with admiration and hope that only little kids could ever possess. Pein sighed and pushed the first map towards her, deciding that that would be the best plan of action, "We'll do this one. Do you think you and Konan can be ready in an hour?"

Charli smiled, "You're really going to use one of _my _plans? Golly Leader, I didn't know that your God-like stature would allow for that," she said innocently as she skipped around the table to where Konan was standing. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she answered. She then smiled at Konan, "Isn't this great? We'll be like mother and daughter." She chuckled darkly and skipped out of the room.

XxX

Standing there, with his white open shirt, ninja katana, butt-belt, and looking more like a duck than ever, was Uchiha Sasuke.

"Hello to you, too," Claire sniffed.

"Whoa," Eva said, blinking, "We're getting kidnapped…_while_ we're kidnapped." She sounded like a high hippy.

"No shit Sherlock," Leah snapped at her unhappily.

Sasuke made a motion with his hand, and simultaneously, three people moved behind the girls and hit them on the head, knocking them out. They fell to the ground, and were lifted onto their attackers' shoulders and carried out of Konoha, the rain still falling through the sky onto the muddy street.

xXx

When the girls finally regained consciousness, they were bound with some strange black ropes, though their unusual smooth texture did not stop them from completely restricting the girls' movement. It took a few more seconds for their eyes to focus, but when they did, the girls looked down and realized that their bindings were snakes. The scaly reptiles reared their heads up and angled their beady black eyes towards their captives.

Leah and Claire both gasped, at first appearing to have a look of horror, but within seconds their expressions changed to idiotic grins. "SNAKIES!!!" they squealed.

Eva on the other hand, craned her neck as far away as possible. Her expression of fear and disgust was genuine. "Ehh….snakes…I don't like snakes…."

"How can you hate them? They're so cute!" Claire crooned uncharacteristically.

"Yeah, they're too cool to be scary," Leah added with a smile.

The ditzy girl ignored them, choosing to look around at their new kidnapping site instead. What she saw was slightly disturbing. Karin, Juugo, and Suigetsu were in front of them and looking through their bags. Eva nudged the other two as best she could while bound to get them to notice. At first this struck them as annoying and a violation of privacy, but then they realized it was good, as it meant their bags were at least _there_. They were in the middle of a clearing of rocks and dirt surrounded by the same types of trees they had seen bordering Konoha. Off to their left was a camp-fire, and two simple tents were set up next to it.

Juugo, who was looking through Eva's bag, held up her iPod by the headphones. "What's this?"

Eva's eyes widened in horror. "Drop it."

He looked it up curiously, twisting the cord so that it swiveled slightly. "Is it a weapon, a communication device?"

"It plays music," she protested. "It's harmless, I swear! Don't break it!"

He pressed a button and the sounds of the band Thrice began to blast out of the speakers.

He winced at the sound, but seemed to be satisfied that the little square of metal wasn't dangerous. "Fine…." He pressed a couple buttons until it stopped playing music and set it aside.

Karin pulled a teal plushy, part of the Ugly Doll collection, out of Leah's bag. "What the hell is _this_ ugly thing?" she asked, holding as far away from her as she could and inching her fingers towards the end so as little as possible of her skin had to touch the offending object.

All three of the girls gasped. Eva proclaimed, "How _dare_ you call it ugly you foul little slut!"

Her cold eyes turned to her dangerously and her glasses flashed. "Excuse me?"

"I apologize, perhaps I wasn't loud enough." She cleared her throat, and then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU CALL GREG IN ALL HIS HOTNESS, UGLY? YOU ARE A FOUL BEING THAT DISGRACES THE NAME OF WHORE!"

Suigetsu chuckled darkly. "I like this chick…." He turned to his distressed red-haired team-mate. "She's just met you and has already read you like an open book!"

Juugo, who decided to continue the conversation without adding insults of his own, frowned. "It most definitely is ugly." He was talking about Greg.

Suigetsu shrugged. "I think it's damn sexy."

"Greg is the sexiest thing that ever was or will be in existence," Leah said.

"He's is too hot to be sexy, or even sexy-fine, he is hot-sexy-fine," Claire added.

"He's too hot for you," Eva said to Karin.

Karin was furious. "Don't you _dare_ change the subject! You," she pointed at Eva. "You insulted me and—"

Claire snickered, cutting her off. "Eva, I don't think it was possible for you to make a worse impression."

Eva had a smug and rather proud smile on her face. "On the contrary, I was holding back."

"I was talking!" Karin protested.

"Um…do you think we could get…unwrapped?" Leah mumbled softly, as always being the most rational in the situation. Her eyes were avoiding everyone's, and she was completely still. Karin huffed and went back to looking through Leah's things.

Sasuke was the only one who had been out of view and had not yet spoken. He sniffed and the girls were alerted to his presence, so they attempted to crane their necks around to look at him. "You'll be released when you tell me where Itachi is," he said.

The girls said nothing.

Sasuke took their silence as an indicator that they wanted him to directly state the question before answering. He looked at Claire. "Where is Itachi?"

"No comment," she replied with a mocking yawn. He raised an eyebrow and shifted his gaze towards Eva expectantly.

She said simply, "Greg forbids me to tell you. I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not."

He retained his cold and unamused scowl. "Fine. Continue your feeble attempts at humor. You'll simply stay wrapped up until you feel like telling me." Sasuke walked away, and his team continued rummaging through the girls' bags. It was then that Eva realized what Suigetsu was holding in his hand.

She swallowed nervously. If she pissed him off it wouldn't be good. She carefully formulated her sentence in her head before saying it aloud so she didn't seem hostile. "I am going to get my sword back, right?"

He looked at her curiously. "This is yours? I could have sworn it was mine."

"Yeah, it was in my belt. I got it at the festival a couple days ago…."

He looked at her strangely. "It's a nice sword; the color scheme isn't something you see very often."

"I know. And it's mine." She was beginning to get worried that she wouldn't be getting it back.

"And because it's a decent sword, and it belongs to our prisoner," he had a grin on his face, displaying pointy teeth, "it is now _my _sword."

'_Oh you fagball…_' she thought angrily, but said, "No. No it is not. You're going to give it back to me because eventually I will be un-bound, and when that happens I will want to train, which is something I cannot do without my sword."

"So you can't train." He shrugged, uncaring. "You probably suck anyways." He continued looking through Claire's bag.

Claire was simply extremely happy that she hadn't put anything of value in her bag. The only expensive things that she had even brought to Konoha were her cell phone and her iPod; both of which were safely in her pocket. There was only one thing that she was worried about. She found out a few seconds later that she was completely justified in her worries. "Don't touch my Pocky."

Suigetsu looked up at her with a very large grin. "But I do so _love_ strawberry pocky. In fact, I think I'll eat it now." And he did. He ripped off the cardboard top unceremoniously, and tore off the plastic wrapping with his teeth before shoving all of the pocky sticks into his mouth at once.

Claire's eyes shot bullets straight through his flesh. "Sleep with your eyes open, bitch," she spat at him.

He laughed sadistically, and it was cut off only when he poured the other bag of pocky down his throat. Suigetsu pulled out his water-bottle and chugged what was left in it down before flashing another grin at Claire. Then, the three members of Team Hebi picked up their bags and walked away to the campfire, where Sasuke was waiting.

One of the snakes wrapped around Eva brought its head up to her face again and hissed.

"GAH!!! Get it away from me!" She froze, not moving but eyeing the snake warily. "Meh…," her voice was shaky and, from a ninja's point of view, pathetic to the point of hilarity.

Karin casually wandered back over to them, perhaps thinking she would be a more successful interrogator. "So you guys survived the Akatsuki for…how many months?"

"A few," Claire replied vaguely.

"Was Itachi even there?" Karin asked.

"Yes."

She narrowed her eyes. "Then why won't you tell Sasuke about him?"

"Oh, I don't know, probably because we like his brother better," Eva snapped irritably.

"His brother killed their entire clan!" Karin yelled, shocked that they could be this stupid.

"If they were so weak that they could be taken out by _one_ person, then they were long overdue!" Eva said.

Leah glared at her since she was the one who came up with that in the first place. She remained silent.

Karin scoffed and walked away. Eva smiled smugly. "Tee hee, I made her leave."

"Eva…you're going to die," Leah said sorrowfully, but seriously.

She blinked. "Yeah, probably."

They were ignored by Team Hebi for several hours.

Then…

"Um…Sasuke?" Eva muttered, barely loud enough for him to hear.

He looked at her.

"I have to pee."

"Deal with it."

She blinked, eyes widening. "That's just _cruel_!"

"Nasty bastard," Claire added disdainfully.

"Would you like to tell me something about Itachi, then?"

Eva searched her memory. Something that was relevant enough to getting her out of her slithery wrappings that didn't actually give away anything important. "He got—"

"Oi! Why the fuck are you talking?! As if you meant to say something?!" Claire protested angrily, and distressed at her stupidity.

"I'm not doing what you think I am," she whispered, "Trust me."

"Yeah, sure. That's a super idea."

"Either way," Eva pointed out, "you can't stop me."

For once, Eva had Claire stumped. "Once I'm free, I will slap you."

"If any damage was done."

She glared at the morbid Goth. "Damn you."

She smiled. Score one for Eva.

Sasuke was waiting patiently.

"An eleven year old non-ninja girl drugged him and made him pee purple."

Sasuke's eyebrows drew together slightly. Whether it was in irritation, disbelief, or confusion was hard to tell. "That's impossible."

"I'm a God-awful liar. If I was lying, you'd know. But that was true. I swear on Jesus."

"You're Christian?"

"Yes, I am. I have a cross necklace if you need proof," she said arrogantly.

Suddenly, the snake (which she had named Edward) unwound itself and hissed at her on his way back to Sasuke.

She stood up and ran off to the bushes.

Leah blinked. "So, if we tell you _anything_ about Itachi we get out."

"As long as it's moderately useful, yes."

Leah opened her mouth, but Claire was faster. "When he's drunk he sings in a falsetto and demanded fried cheese."

"You mean a cheese fondue?"

"No. Fried cheese."

"Not really what I meant by useful…" he muttered, but released her anyway.

Claire stood up next to Leah and stretched, pleased that she had gotten released on one of the most meaningless bits of information about Itachi that could ever possibly exist. She looked at Leah worriedly, noticing Sasuke's expectant glare still trained on her.

She inhaled deeply, trying to think of something since Claire stole the thing that she was going to say. Since Itachi hardly talked at all the entire time he was there, there really wasn't much she could say that Sasuke didn't already know.

Sasuke waited while Claire bitched about Suigetsu eating her Pocky.

"He pretends to be gay," Leah offered.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You're lying."

"Aw, come on! You believe that he sings in a falsetto, demands fried cheese when he's drunk, and got drugged by my sister, but you won't believe that he pretends to be gay?!"

"Yes."

"Actually, it's true," Claire offered.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Why would he say that?"

"Come on!" Leah said again, "Do you have something against me already?"

Sasuke said nothing, and his face remained inscrutable.

"He was trying to get rid of this girl who wouldn't stop flirting with him," Claire answered in Leah's silence, "She's a complete whore and becomes obsessed with every guy she encounters."

Sasuke closed his eyes, seeming slightly annoyed at the meager stash of information he had acquired, and freed Leah of her snake too.

Leah stood up and rubbed her arms where the snake had squeezed them. "I'm just curious. Why did you believe them, but not me? My story was believable too!" She tried to not sound disappointed, just confused—she didn't want to give the message that she was annoyed he had let her go only after Claire had validated her story.

"I can tell just by looking at them that they're horrible liars. If they tried something just to get out, I would know. You, however, strike me as a good liar, hence I don't trust you," he explained blandly.

"Ah." She wasn't sure whether to take it as an insult or a compliment.

He walked over to the camp-fire, opting for a seat next to Juugo instead of the other more vexing members of his little squad. Karin flipped her hair and pretended not to be annoyed, but the gesture had sort of an opposite effect. Eva returned a few seconds later and blinked when she saw both Claire and Leah standing next to each other. "He let you go?"

"No. This is an illusion," Claire mocked.

Eva believed didn't catch the sarcasm. "What? Am I in a genjutsu or something? Holy shit…how do I get out?!" She began looking around frantically as if there would be a neon exit sign above a door leading out of the mirage.

Claire could have slapped herself. She settled for slapping Eva, realizing only seconds later that she had resolved to do that earlier anyway. "_Dumb-_shit! I was KIDDING!"

Eva was being extra slow today. Apparently her good idea of telling Sasuke something completely un-important had left her brain cells limp, exhausted, and useless. "Ohhhh!"

Suigetsu, who had been eavesdropping on the conversation along with the others, raised an eyebrow. "Wow. That's really all I have to say. Just, wow."

Karin snickered. "What an idiot…."

Eva ignored them. She had gotten used to taunting over the years of her friendship with Leah and Claire. The three girls made their own small circle away from their hated captors and started to discuss what they were going to do.

"How screwed are we?" Leah moaned.

"Very…" Claire sighed.

"I dunno. It might be fun," Eva said optimistically, "The evil people seem to like us here."

Claire sighed. "No, Eva. The other 'evil people' only _tolerate_ us. You're alive because you can cook. I'm alive because I'm entertaining. And Leah's alive because Deidara's obsessed with her," she shrugged.

"Let's try to be optimistic," Eva said, still cheery.

They looked at her as if she had gone insane.

"Optimistic?" Leah gaped, "We were kidnapped by someone who has no problem torturing and or killing us! How can we be optimistic?"

"Well, we lived with the Akatsuki for a few months and all the injuries that we got during that time were well deserved or self-inflicted. I don't think a couple of teenagers would be worse than the entire Akatsuki."

"You just jinxed us you idiot!" Claire accused, "Go knock on wood now!" she ordered.

Eva, her brain still exhausted from thinking of something pointless to tell Sasuke, didn't register the fact that the trees that surrounded them were, indeed, made of wood. Instead, she ran over to the campfire where the four members of team Snake were seated, and quickly knocked on the fire wood that was lying next to Suigetsu.

"What the hell was that for?" Suigetsu scoffed.

"I had to knock on wood so we wouldn't get jinxed."

Suigetsu and Karin stared at her, unable to accept the existence of someone this idiotic.

"You do realize that we're in a forest?" Karin pointed jerkily to the trees.

"I don't see your poin—oh! Never mind, the trees are made of wood! Right…" Eva said sheepishly. Laughing nervously, she sprinted back to her friends, blushing in embarrassment.

Leah was pinching the bridge of her nose. "Honestly, Eva…."

"Shut up! You _know_ common sense doesn't come easily to me…," she protested quietly.

"Yeah, honestly…" Claire huffed, "That was just pathetic. You're going to get yourself killed just because you annoy them with your stupidity. I'm not even being sarcastic."

Deciding not to injure her already-dead mental abilities by wondering whether or not she was being sarcastic about not being sarcastic, Eva sat down next to Leah, who was less likely to hurt her for her idiocy. She brought her knees up to her face, wrapping her arms around them and going into her emo bubble.

Claire sighed, but ignored it. "So, Leah…."

"Mm?"

"What are we going to do about our situation? Should we keep feeding them harmless information about _'Scott'_ and _'Alexander'_, and…all of those people? Or should we just completely hold back any and all information?"

Leah looked un-easy, and then responded awkwardly, "Um…I'm not good at things like this, so…you decide."

"…If I knew what to do I wouldn't have asked you," the self-proclaimed bitch pointed out.

Leah turned to her other friend, "Eva, what do you think?"

"I think the world has no meaning—there's only suffering and death," she replied depressingly.

Claire stared at her blankly. "I think you're being very melodramatic."

"Leave me to die."

Leah sighed. "You can be very bi-polar sometimes; do you realize that?"

"Eva, why does this even matter remotely?" Claire asked, genuinely curious.

Her head popped up from her knees, suddenly her bubbly self again. "I guess it doesn't, huh?"

If the other two girls were stared at her with disbelief. Claire spoke first. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Eva smiled happily. "Nope!"

"Leah, hit Eva please."

She did. Eva rubbed her injured head. "Ow…. Why do you always listen to Claire when she tells you to injure me?"

Leah laughed.

Suigetsu was watching the three girls with a muted curiosity. Karin looked at her violent teammate with interest. "Since when have _you_ taken an interest in random hostages? Usually you just ask to kill them."

He shrugged. "These three girls are interesting. They're not ninjas, for one—and yet they survived with the Akatsuki. How? And why did they bother to let them live when they're such dumb-shits? Especially Eba or whatever her name is."

"Anything else?" Karin pressed.

Suigetsu looked at her with a toothy grin. "Yup."

"Well, what is it?"

"Why should I tell you?"

She glared at him. "Human decency."

"Ah," he sighed, mockingly disappointed. "But that would require both of us to be human; and I don't think sluts qualify."

"Bastard," she growled, pulling out a kunai and charging at him. Immediately, Suigetsu pulled his large sword from the ground, drawing it back as if to charge at her. They were roughly a foot apart, and then suddenly Sasuke stood in the middle of them. He didn't say a single word, but with a single look from their leader, both of them receded to loath-full glares, and sat back down.

Karin turned her head from him. Sasuke slowly made his way back to the log he had been on before.

"Suigetsu," Sasuke ordered. "Watch the hostages. Make sure they don't contact anyone or devise an escape plan—we still are unsure of their true skill level."

"Fine, fine," he mumbled, slinging his sword over his shoulder and walking towards them. They immediately hushed their voices, glad that they had already decided what to do. He sat down in between Leah and Eva, both of whom immediately scooted over.

It was then that Eva saw it. Her sword was attached to his belt. Unfortunately, it was on the side that Leah was on. The only way she could get it was to….

"Don't even think about it," Suigetsu muttered.

"What?" Eva asked innocently.

"You were going to jump across me and try to get my sword."

"_My_ sword."

"We've been over this."

"You're hot."

He blinked, shocked at her off-topic-ness. "Excuse me?"

"_You_ are very sexy," Eva said bluntly. "Of course, not as sexy as Greg," she amended apologetically.

"Of course. Who _could_ be as sexy as Greg?"

Eva giggled, and a small smirk crossed Suigetsu's face.

"No sword," he said.

"That actually wasn't what I was going to ask for."

He looked at her curiously. "Then what do you want?" His legs were spread apart, and he swung his sword around so it was sticking in the ground behind his seat.

Well…there's this book in my bag, and I wasn't done reading it…," she began.

"What's it called?"

"You probably wouldn't recognize it."

"No," Claire mused. "He probably would." She looked at him intensely. "Strikes me as a pervert."

He frowned, glaring at Claire. "And why did you decide that?"

She shrugged. "Just fits."

"Whatever." He turns back to Eva. "So, what book?"

"Um…give it to me and then you'll know," she spat out hastily. Now that she thought there was a chance she couldn't get her books, she wanted them even more.

He was intrigued. "Don't talk while I'm gone," he ordered, and walked over to the bags. He didn't take the entire bag back, but instead returned carrying six or seven books.

Leah pressed her fingers against the bridge of her nose. "Eva…I thought you only bought _four_ books."

She swiveled a bit in her seat. This is why she had been hoping he just took back the bag. "I _might_ have kind of managed to _maybe_ bring some of my manga…sort of. And another book."

"What worries me is that we just found out," Claire sighed.

Eva blinked. "No. Not necessarily. There's a lot of other stuff I brought that you didn't know about."

"Then how did you get your backpack to be as flat as mine?" Leah wondered.

Eva grinned. "La la la la la, la la la la…," she began singing. "La la la la _la_ la la-la-la."

Suigetsu came back. "I said no talking, dumb-shits." He smacked them all on their heads.

"Ow…," Eva whimpered. "Rude…."

Leah said nothing.

Claire stuck out her tongue at him. "Bastard."

"Look bitch, I really don't have that big of a problem with you, but talk to me that way again and I'll kill you no matter _what_ Sasuke says," he growled.

Claire narrowed her eyes. _Someone's PMSing,_ she thought grimly, _Guess I won't be having any swearing fights for a while…_

Suigetsu shook his head with a sigh. "The couple of days you spent with the Konoha pricks must have been too long. You forgot how to treat people who don't have a problem killing you. Actually," he realized. "People who would have already killed you except that you know something they want."

"Honestly guys," Leah huffed. "You need to learn when to shut up or you're going to get us all killed."

"Go to hell Leah," Eva hissed. She looked at Suigetsu. "So…'bout that book…."

"Oh yeah!" He looked down at the books he held in his arm. The two on top were the manga 'Vampire Doll,' but as soon as his eyes touched the third one in the pile, he started laughing. "I did not see this coming at all." He held up the second installment of Ichi Ichi up by the spine. It had a bookmark in it. Then he saw the next one—which just happened to be the newest one in the series. He tossed the other one to the ground. "I'm taking this one." He sat back down next to Eva and Leah, and cracked open the book. There was a thick book with a black cover at the bottom of the pile that Leah, fortunately, didn't notice. Eva grabbed the second one that she had been working on from the dirt, and they sat side by side, reading.

"Wow…" Claire muttered.

"You guys are pathetic," Leah moaned.

"Shut up," Eva snapped. "I'm reading."

"Porn," Claire finished for her, louder than she had to. Karin's head snapped up from across the campsite.

She marched over. "Suigetsu, you're looking at _porn_? That's low even for you!"

"None of your business, woman!" he yelled back at her.

"Don't talk to me like that you sexist bastard!"

"Go to hell, I'm not sexist!"

"You definitely are! The only guy you can stand—"

"Is someone who isn't _you_!"

"Is Sasuke!" He finished.

Eva grimaced, and turned her back to both of them, wishing only to be allowed to be completely engrossed in her book.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she huffed.

"Oh, bullshit," Suigetsu snapped. "Even these three girls already picked up that you're obsessed with him."

Leah grimaced. _Please don't get drawn into the conversation, _she pleaded with herself.

"Leah, am I obsessed with Sasuke?" Karin asked politely. Her eyes had lightning flashing through them.

_The laws of the universe hate us, _"Um…not really. Obsession is a very strong word," she said feebly.

"Claire?" Karin began again.

"I agree with Leah." She probably couldn't have sounded more insincere if she tried. Karin chose to ignore this. Or maybe she was just too stupid to catch it.

"Eva?"

Claire sent her a glare, as if to say, 'Agree with us if you want to live.'

Unfortunately, this went against her morals. "You want honesty, right?" She asked hesitantly.

"Yes…"

"Um…yeah you're obsessed," she said quickly. "But that's not a bad thing, necessarily. I'm obsessed about a lot of stuff."

"Ugh!" Karin cried, and stomped away.

Suigetsu cough-snickered. Leah looked at Eva, un-believing. "You now have a ninja completely bent on killing you. Congratulations."

"But it was honesty. I'm honest—it's just me," she defended. Inching away from Claire, who had picked up a stick and looked like she was about to chuck it at her friend, Eva cursed her honesty. They weren't kidding when they said that she was going to get herself killed. Crap.

"Shut up," Suigetsu snapped. "I'm reading and you're not allowed to be talking."

Eva smiled, and stuck her nose back into the book. A stick hit her square in the forehead the moment she did so. "Damn you, Claire," she said angrily, rubbing the area.

"You deserved it."

"Still…damn you."

XxX

Two rice balls were shoved into each of the girls' hands. Sasuke left them without a word to return to his fire.

Eva, Leah, and Claire were very hungry, very thirsty, and very cold; but mostly the last one. It was around nine o' clock at night, and, Eva guessed, about thirty degrees outside.

Eva choked down the first piece of food, and the other one she slowly nibbled on— just because she was weird like that. Leah ate hers very slowly, as she did with all food. Claire ate hers quickly, mostly because they were making her hands sticky. She glared at the stars. "Fucking fiery orbs—I bet _they_ aren't freezing their asses off."

"Lucky bastards," Eva agreed.

Leah stared longingly over at the camp-fire. Sasuke being nonchalant, Karin and Suigetsu pissed off at each other for whatever reason, Juugo looking lonely and staring at ants. An idea struck her. She turned to Claire. "Did anyone ever tell us we had to stay over here?"

"Not really," Claire said, picking at a clump of grass near her right knee.

Leah stood up. "I'm going to go talk to Juugo," she announced, walking over to their camp-site.

Eva blinked twice, and then sighed. "Now I really wish they didn't all hate me."

"Suigetsu doesn't hate you—he just thinks you're a dumbshit. And he's right. Not too bad."

"Still, what am I going to do?" Eva inquired, ignoring the dumbshit comment. "Walk over to him and ask what his favorite part in Ichi Ichi was? Plus, then you'd be here alone."

Claire hopped up and dusted off her pants. "Nope, I'm sick of being a popsicle. I'll just talk to Leah and Juugo, so on the contrary, _you're_ going to be here alone." She ambled over to the fire while Eva scoffed and followed.

"Why didn't you come over earlier?" Suigetsu asked once the other two had joined them.

"Um…we didn't think we were supposed to," Eva explained, embarrassed. "You know, being captured and all…."

"We would have told you if we didn't want you to."

"We didn't need to sit there in the cold?!"

"Nope."

"Damn."

They sat there, finished with their meal and just enjoying the warmth of the fire, as they slowly warmed-up.

Suddenly, Eva looked over at Claire with a meaningful glint in her eye, and Claire looked over at Leah, who looked back at Eva. Then they looked at the campfire. They all smiled wide and full.

Eva began with, "I call this one, the Campfire Song song."

The other girls joined in the song immediately. "Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song! Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song! And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along…."

Eva and Claire continued singing, but Leah was on the ground laughing too hard to join in anymore. She had actually stopped singing by the time they got to the first 'campfire'. He two friends continued. "BUM BUM BUM…," Eva added in a deep voice. Leah's laughter doubled. Juugo blinked, confused. Karin sat with her mouth agape then looked to Sasuke. He was just giving them a 'What are you smoking?' look. Suigetsu openly grinned at his comrades baffled expressions.

Claire and Eva's speed picked up as they got to the second round. "C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along…. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song." Eva called out, "Leah!"

"You guys are idiots," she laughed, knowing that she couldn't start singing again even if she wanted to.

"Sasuke!"

He said nothing.

"Good!" Claire praised. The two girls' voices were interrupted by giggles completed the song. "It'll _help_! It'll heeelp…if you just sing _along_!"

Eva stood up. "HELL YEAH!"

Claire and Leah clapped while the others still watched in disbelieving near-horror.

All three girls erupted in laughter, and Suigetsu chuckled a bit. "Not scared of much, huh?"

Eva smiled. "I'm not."

Karin sniffed. "I noticed."

Sasuke, of course, said nothing.

When it was nearing ten-thirty, Suigetsu hazily announced that he was tired.

Leah blinked frequently, like she was trying to keep her eyes open. "I've been saying that for a while."

"Fine." Sasuke stood up. "Karin, the girls will sleep in your tent. Suigetsu, put the fire out." He walked away and into the tent.

Karin stood up. "I don't want Eva to be in my tent," she hissed. "I can't stand her!"

"Deal with it. We can't have them getting sick or it will be harder to get information from them," Sasuke said.

"Why can't she sleep with you guys? I'm sure the little slut would love it," she sneered.

"Since when have _I_ been the slut?" Eva commented dryly.

"Eva, what do you want to do?" Juugo asked politely, "Sleep in Karin's tent, sleep outside, or sleep in our tent?"

"When you say _your_ tent—"

"I mean Sasuke's, Suigetsu's, and mine."

"So basically the guys' tent," Eva guessed, trying to clarify it.

"Yes."

"Um…" Eva said tentatively, "Karin would probably kill me in my sleep or something, so…the guys' tent I guess…."

Claire and Leah gaped at her, open-mouthed. "Are you serious?"

"That Karin would kill me in my sleep? Yeah. Very serious."

"You are an idiot, Eva," Claire said for probably the trillionth time that…week, "Isn't Suigetsu perverted too? That just seems weird to me…"

"Just because I read Ichi Ichi doesn't mean I'm going to try something," he snapped, "Eva'll be completely safe."

Claire held up her hands, dismissing all responsibility she might hold in the subject. "Fine, fine…do whatever you want."

Leah shrugged, and the three other girls went off to Karin's tent.

The rest of them climbed into the other tent. Sasuke was closest to the entrance; Juugo was next to him, then Suigetsu, and then Eva at the edge. Rectangular in shape, and all of them lying with their feet pointing length-wise, it was easy to call it crowded. But Eva was actually thankful for the body-heat, since she was the only one who didn't have a sleeping bag, and so she fell asleep relatively comfortable.

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: …I'm feeling very uninteresting today. Probably because Leah's having a lot of really depressing drama with Durham, which is making me sad, and cuz I have about 18 hours of homework.**

**Leah: Indeed…**

**Eva: XD I like Suigetsu. He's sexy and has an awesome sword. Enough said. Yeah…drama isn't fun. Ever. –sigh- And there's been a LOT of it lately. Honestly, high school's a soap opera. **

**Next chapter should be out March 9****th****. Don't nag. :[**


	7. Scooby Doo and Code Names

**Author's Note:**

**For people who don't know and stuff, go to Wikipedia and type in "Uglydoll" for a picture of Greg (Ice Bat, picture on the right), type in "Pocky" for, well, a picture of pocky. And go to Youtube and type in the "Campfire Song song Spongebob" to get the video and music for the song we were singing at the end of the last chapter.**

**Claire: Google, Wikipedia, and Youtube are your friends, sirs and madams.**

…

**I wish I could play guitar/ukulele like Spongebob.**

**Oh my, my, my. This was a tough chapter. It took a very long time to write…But I'm **_**quite**_** happy with it. Yes indeed. Heh heh heh…that's all I shall say…**

**Leah: It's my birthday today…strangely I am not at all excited…I get cheesecake.**

**Claire: Does that mean I get cheesecake too? After all, cake really is the only reason for birthdays. Or is it supposed to be the other way around…-ponders-**

**Oh well! The posting-chapters-on-birthdays-of-author's thingy is finally done! Isn't it strange that our birthdays are in three consecutive months? Although Eva's still a year behind us…**

**Eva: Happy March 9th! It's Leah's B-day. Yeah...this chapter's lotsa fun. 'cuz it is...yeah...**

Chapter 7:

"Pssst! Leah."

"What?"

"Are you asleep?"

"No, Claire, if I were asleep, I wouldn't be talking to you."

"I can't sleep. I'm an insomniac. It's been an hour. This is really annoying."

"I know you're an insomniac, I've known since fifth grade when I first _met_ you."

"Still…this sucks."

Two minutes of silence.

"You asleep now?"

"No."

"I am!" Karin hissed, "Will you idiots shut up!?" All of them were extremely cramped in the tent, seeing as it was made for one person and it now held three.

"That's ridiculous. Leah already pointed out that if you're asleep, you don't talk. So you aren't asleep," Claire said.

"Indeed. Claire forgot," Leah agreed.

"I did. I do that sometimes."

"I don't fucking care, just shut up or I'll impale you!" Karin whispered angrily. She rolled over and pulled the sleeping bag up over her ears. Leah and Claire glanced at each other, giggling in the darkness.

"Does she mean with a kunai or her nails?" Claire whispered.

"I was thinking her boots."

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!"

xXx

Sasuke's eyes flew open when Karin screamed. He sighed. Obviously she wasn't really in any danger, but it was still annoying. Now that he was awake, he could distinctly hear the whispered sounds of the three girls arguing and giggling several feet away. Though Juugo and Suigetsu were just ignoring it, and Eva was apparently still asleep, if he didn't want to be dead tired tomorrow he would have to do something about it. He gritted his teeth in irritation and slid outside.

"Karin," he said, standing outside. The shapes lit inside by the moonlight immediately froze.

"Yes, Sasuke dear? Did you come to kiss me goodnight?" Karin asked sweetly. Claire and Leah broke out into loud gales of laughter as soon as she said this. She promptly smacked them both on the head. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Actually, I came to tell you to be quiet. Goodnight."

He left, seriously hoping that the fresh giggles that he had just incurred would soon die down.

XxX

Sasuke should not have been surprised when the second time he woke up, it was also due to Karin's anguished banshee cries. Thankfully this time it was bright outside, an adequate time to get up. Juugo, Suigetsu, and Eva had woken up too this time. He ran a hand through his greasy black hair and ruffled it a little so it would retain its chicken-butt-like shape and exited the tent, followed by the others.

"What is it this time?" he asked the disheveled Karin. Leah and Claire were giving her funny looks and standing a few yards away from her.

"You look shorter…" Suigetsu muttered, rubbing his eyes and blinking at her sleepily.

"Hypocrite, I'm not shorter! I can't find my glasses!" she shouted at him.

"Whaddaya mean by 'hypocrite', you hag! I'm not short!" Suigetsu argued, now wide awake and feeling fairly insulted.

"Denial!"

"Shut up!" Sasuke interrupted, "What were you saying about you're glasses?"

"I don't know where they are! I can't see a thing without my glasses!" she whimpered, patting an odd shaped twig as if to try to determine whether or not it was her glasses.

"Poor Velma," Claire muttered. Leah and Eva laughed. The others stared, sans Karin, who couldn't see. Instead, her squinty-eyed face contorted in a look of rage and realization.

"_You!_ I bet you two stole them while I was asleep!" she howled, pointing accusingly at Claire and Leah (or so she thought; it was really a tree).

The unfortunate leader of the band of Orochimaru runaways sighed again. "Juugo, Suigetsu, help her look for them," he instructed.

"Hey, I don't care if that bitch ever sees anything again, why should I help? I want her to walk off a cliff!" Suigetsu protested, grinning a little at the idea of Karin screaming as she fell to the bottom of the cliff in a comedic, cartoony, manner.

"Just do it," Sasuke ordered, glaring at him. Suigetsu grumbled, but he, Juugo, and the pretty much useless Karin wandered off to search for her glasses.

"So did you guys take them?" Eva whispered to the other two once they were gone.

"Of course not!" Claire said a little too innocently, "I'm sure they're around _somewhere_."

"She'll find them…eventually," Leah added.

xXx

Back at the oversized house in La Jolla, Charli shifted uncomfortably in her new clothes. She knew she had to change her attire for this mission, but she still wasn't happy with it. Konan didn't seem to like wearing civilian clothes either, but she didn't let it show.

Charli wore a soft pink kimono with spider-web thin black embroidery on the left side of flowers. The bottom two inches or so was black as well, giving her the appearance of what Eva liked to call a 'bubble-gum Goth'. Her shoes were some plain leather sandals, without heels, making her feel exceptionally short. Konan had put Charli's thin ash blonde hair into a messy bun, but there were still those annoying wisps that were just a little too short to reach. She blew them out of her face in a very un-ladylike manner.

Konan wore a kimono in the same style with the exception that it was a plum color. It even had similar black markings. She wore sandals with a wooden bottom and a simple cloth strap that went between her toes in a flip-flop manner. She had taken her signature flower out of her hair, though she kept her bun.

The two girls walked into the living room, sitting down on the couch. Hidan was sitting on the armrest of the chair across the room. He still wasn't disguised, but he taken off his cloak and opted to leave the scythe behind, knowing those were his most distinguishable features. He said he'd do it while he was hidden so it'd look less suspicious than having a flawless costume. They agreed that a rushed job would make him look scruffier and more believable. "So," he began, "all I have to do is mug you guys outside of Konoha, wait 'till the people they send out see me, then get away, right?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Charli sniffed. Despite it being her plan, she wasn't looking forward to being robbed by the ninja.

Hidan caught onto that and laughed. "Don't worry, I'm gonna be focusing my attacks on Konan since she has all the stuff."

"Good," Charli snapped.

"What're our names going to be?" Konan asked, though it wasn't directed at anyone in particular.

Charli and Hidan both thought long and hard. After half a minute, Konan said, "I'll be Shikyo."

"What about a last name?" Hidan asked.

"I'll think of something," Charli said quickly, looking positively devious.

"That works," Konan said before Hidan could protest. "We're counting on you, Charli."

Hidan shrugged, and the three of them walked over to the middle of the room. Hidan put a piece of paper that had the jutsu circle drawn onto it onto the floor and quickly made the necessary hand motions. There was a rush of wind, and then all three of them were gone.

XxX

Eva, Leah, and Claire sat in front of the campfire, eating their bowls of rice with chopsticks. Sasuke, Juugo, and Suigetsu sat across from them, doing the same. Karin was sitting far away from them, not wanting to be near Suigetsu while she was blind.

"Hey Karin," Leah said carefully, "Can I have Greg back?"

"No."

Instead of glaring at Karin as would be expected, Claire and Eva glared at Leah. The two girls got up and each grabbed hold of one of Leah's arms, dragging her away from Team Hebi.

"Leah, really!" Eva scoffed, "That was a _really_ pathetic attempt."

Leah rolled her eyes. "Hypocrite. You can't call me pathetic when you couldn't find wood in a forest."

Eva was about to argue when Claire cut her off.

"I thought you said that since Greg is yours, you should be the one to get him back!" Claire exclaimed.

Leah shrugged her shoulders and stuttered, "I don't know! I just thought I'd try asking nicely first instead of coming up with some elaborate plan!"

Eva struck her forehead with the palm of her hand and Claire just gaped at her.

Leah scowled. "Well fine! It didn't work so _now_ we can come up with an elaborate plan! I just didn't want to come up with something really complicated, only to find out that if we asked we would've gotten him back. So it was better that I asked now rather than make a fool of myself later," Leah defended, "We have to get Greg back somehow…"

"I can't believe she took him as punishment for her glasses…" Claire muttered sadly.

"Seriously, did you guys take her glasses?" Eva asked since the two still hadn't given her a straight answer.

Claire and Leah glanced at each other, getting mischievous little smiles on their faces.

"Not _technically_," Claire responded evasively.

"Yes, we did not _take _them," Leah agreed, "It's not _our_ fault she can't find them."

"You know, if you give her back the glasses she'll probably give us Greg back," Eva said.

"Don't you enjoy watching her suffer though?"

Eva thought for a moment. "…Good point. Let's plan."

xXx

Charli gently held onto Konan's wrist as they walked side by side towards the big red gates of Konoha. Konan seemed slightly apprehensive and Charli wasn't helping at all by listing all of the tortures and punishments they could receive if they were caught.

"Mommy?" Charli simpered, using the deceivingly cute and innocent voice that she only reserved for adults and anyone she didn't want to know she was evil.

Konan immediately took the cue to start the act since they were in earshot of the two ninjas that guarded the entrance of the village, "Yes?"

"Do you think Hokage-sama will let me interview her for my report? She's my hero and role-model and I think an interview with her will really add to my paper," Charli said as she skipped ahead of Konan.

"Maybe. We'll wait and see. But you have to remember that she's a very busy woman and she might not have the time," Konan answered, still sounding logical despite her 'mommy' act.

Charli planted her hands on her hips. "Well, duh, but it's still worth a shot."

Konan shrugged. Where was Hidan? He was suppose to mug them by now and she could tell by watching Charli stopping to look at random objects that she was stalling for time. Konan had to stop herself from clenching her fists. She knew that they shouldn't have trusted Hidan with something like this. She also knew they shouldn't have listened to Charli in the first place, but Pein never listened to _her_. He always said she worried too much.

Then it happened, without any warning or even a slightest hint of chakra, Hidan leapt out of the cover of the trees, knocking over both Charli and Konan with a long branch as one of his makeshift weapons.

Charli and Konan screamed—Charli because he actually had scared her half to death, and Konan because she was being a good actress.

Hidan pinned them to the ground by pushing the branch across their shoulders. His hair, usually neatly slicked by baseball sized globs of gel, hung in front of his eyes, looking scruffy. He had smudged some dirt on his face to help hide his identity. It worked very well, since it took Charli a few seconds to recognize him.

Charli screamed again. "Let us go!" She squirmed helplessly underneath the pressure of the branch.

Hidan chuckled darkly and lifted the branch just enough so Charli and her unusually tiny frame could slip out. Hidan pressed the branch back down on Konan, who struggled as much as she thought a non-ninja would. He grabbed Charli roughly by the shoulder, pulling her back towards him. "Where the hell do you think you're going, brat?" He said loud enough for the ninja at the gates of Konoha to hear. He reached into all of her pockets and her bag, but not taking anything. He shoved her to the ground and focused his attention on Konan.

Charli flinched in pain. She wasn't supposed to get hurt. She glared over her shoulder at Hidan, who was now starting to make a grab for Konan's bag after he let her up, which she held protectively to her chest. Konan screamed again, and looked quickly towards the gate, signaling Charli to go get the guards. Charli hopped to her feet and dashed to the gates, where the guards were already looking around the side of the wall, trying to see the source of commotion.

Izumo and Kotetsu, the two guys that always kept watch at the front entrance of Konoha, ran out to meet Charli, who already had fake tears in her eyes.

"What happened?" Izumo asked, only seeing the small and incredibly cute helpless-looking blonde girl.

Charli wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "M-me and Mommy were walking here and-and," she faked a hiccup, "the mean guy attacked us and he tried to take my stuff and I think he wants to hurt Mommy," Charli sobbed, sounding absolutely, pathetically, vulnerable.

"Shh, don't worry," Izumo coaxed, "Kotetsu, go find your mother and get rid of the robber."

Kotetsu was already gone. He had left after 'the mean guy'.

Charli continued her uncontrollable crying while Izumo did the best he could to comfort her, placing a hand on her back and giving her sort of a half hug.

"What's going to happen to Mommy?" Charli asked, pretending to be one of those ignorant kids that expects adult to know the answers to everything.

"I don't know," Izumo said, "She'll be okay, though," he added optimistically.

"What if he rapes her?"

"What?"

"What if she gets tortured?"

"Stop thinking so negatively," he mentored, slightly disturbed that someone her age would automatically think of something like that.

"What if he does both?! What kind of torture will he use?! I hope it's not bamboo splinters or castor oil…or what if he flays her?! Oh my gosh, and then he takes her money and kills her then I won't have a family and-and-and," she started crying again.

Izumo attempted to give he a comforting smile, despite the fact that he was worried someone so cute and innocent looking could know all those types of torture. "It's okay, look— your mom is coming now. I told you not to worry."

Charli turned around, and sure enough Konan was walking towards them, without her bag and looking slightly beaten.

"MOMMY!" Charli squealed and hugged her tightly around the waist. Konan smiled softly and placed her hand on her back.

Konan looked to Izumo and said, "The other shinobi started chasing the guy."

Izumo nodded, knowing his best friend would be back soon, "Okay. If you want to go into the city, I need to see your passports."

Konan looked at the ground sheepishly. "He took them. They were in my bag."

Izumo nodded understandingly and took a notepad out of his back pocket along with a pen. "Then I'll need your first and last names and the village you come from."

Konan looked to Charli, who bit her lip. She wouldn't admit it, but she had completely forgotten about making up a code last name. _Crap_, she thought and pretended to wipe her face again to give her and extra two seconds to think.

"Um…my name is um…Rock Kami," Charli said, now taking on an act of shyness, as if the whole episode before was an extremely uncharacteristic occurrence.

Konan felt like smacking her. "Yeah, and my name is Rock Shikyo," she said, sending Charli a quick look of skepticism.

Izumo raised an eyebrow. "Any relation to Rock Lee?"

"Who?" Charli asked, feigning ignorance.

"Never mind. What village are you coming from?"

Charli shifted uncomfortably. "Suna."

"What business do you have here?"

"I have a report I have to do on my hero, and that would be Tsunade-sama because I think that she's really cool."

Izumo pocketed the notebook and gave them a smile. "Okay, I'll send this information to the Hokage and she'll check your records. But, seeing what just happened, you can go in for now."

Charli and Konan thanked him graciously and entered Konoha. Once they were out of his sight, Konan pulled Charli aside.

"Rock?"

"It was either that or Guillotine. Take your pick."

Konan blinked. "Isn't that the thing that cuts peoples heads off?"

Charli grinned. "Yes. Quite a lovely device, it's one of my favorites. But there's no time for idle chitchat, we need to do stuff. Let's go."

Konan sighed but knew she was right. God, she was beginning to hate smart kids.

XxX

The girls peered out from behind the bushes. The team seemed to have forgotten them for the moment. Juugo was sitting next to a tree gazing pensively at the lake while Karin and Suigetsu were pestering Sasuke while he was trying to think. Karin was offering Sasuke a drink while Suigetsu was giving her an 'I pity your stupidity' look and drinking some beverage of his own.

"Okay, so let's make sure we're all clear on the plan," Claire began, looking serious, "I'm going to distract Sasuke, Suigetsu, and Juugo since Suigetsu is easily distracted and I tend to confuse quiet people. Then you two say you want to help Karin find her glasses and lead her into the forest. Since she can't see very well, she'll fall into the trap—literally, 'cause we dug a hole in the ground and she's gonna fall into it.

"So you two are going to interrogate her and threaten not to let her out unless she tells you where Greg is. If she refuses, you're going to pretend to give up and help her out of the hole. But really you're just setting her up to be clothes-lined by the tree branch so she's knocked out."

Claire paused, giggling at the comedic mental image. Eva and Leah were laughing too. After half a minute Claire and Eva were still laughing too much, so Leah had to finish summarizing the plan.

"Right, so—heh heh—like Claire said, we're going to knock Karin out—heh heh heh—and then…" Leah stopped and cleared her throat, trying to stop her laughter's momentum. "So when Karin's unconscious, we go back to the campsite. Eva helps Claire distract the people while I go and try to find Greg in the tent. If Sasuke or anyone asks why Eva's back, she says it was too physically challenging for her."

Eva shrugged at this instead of being offended. She knew she was a wimp. "So that's the plan," she confirmed.

"Yep."

Having an A-Team moment, the three of them put their hands in on top of each other's. "For Greg," said Claire.

"For Greg," Eva and Leah agreed.

"Okay then, Mission: Recapture Greg From the Evil Skanky Ho, COMMENCE!"

xXx

Hidan got back to the house without much of a problem. Technically, it was no problem since he never even saw the Konoha bastard. So far, everything was going according to plan and maybe within the next day he could have his arguing buddy back. He smiled at the thought of cussing out Claire for being a vegetarian or taunting her about how she thought he was hot.

After taking a forty-five minute shower and spending another half hour fixing his hair, he went downstairs to join his fellow Akatsuki members in the family room.

"After we get the girls back, can I bomb Konoha? I really want to do that now," Deidara whined, looking to Leader with pleading eyes.

"No," Leader said.

"Hey, Leader, do you really think that we should have trusted Konan and that satanic brat with a mission like this?" Kisame asked, kicking his feet up on the coffee table, "If the Konoha bastards find out, who knows what'll happen to them."

Leader was un-phased. "I trust both Konan's and Charli's abilities. Konan's ninja skills and intelligence combined with Charli's quick-wits and charisma, there's a small chance they'll be discovered."

Kisame nodded, but secretly thought that Leader was either underestimating the ninja in Konoha or overestimating the talents of Konan and Charli. He sighed and continued to watch one of the episodes of _Scrubs_ where Jordan was an angry, crazy, and hormonal pregnant woman.

"Charli's a damn good actress," Hidan commented, "She was screaming and crying so much that I almost got a headache."

Kakuzu laughed at Hidan's pain.

The eight of them continued to discuss what they thought the outcome of the situation was going to be. Would the girls tell anything about them? Pein made it very clear that if they gave away any _important_ information about anyone, they were to be killed. Were they still alive? Most likely. Were they in any more danger than before? More than likely.

After their brief discussion, they slowly quieted down and began to watch the TV again. Deidara was tossing a little blue ball between his hands, looking a bit paranoid. Everyone else seemed mostly relaxed. For whatever reason, they all knew that the girls would keep their secrets no matter what. Although Claire was a semi-sadistic bitch, Eva was an idiot, and Leah was a wimpy doormat, they would _never_ give away anything that was crucial to be kept a secret.

XxX

The three girls pretended to be wandering over to the campsite without a motive. Karin turned in the direction of what must have been only blurry shapes to her. "What do you want?" she snapped.

"Nothing!" Claire squeaked defensively, "We were just bored!"

"If you're so bored, then why don't you find my glasses?" the angered ninja countered.

"Okay," Eva said, secretly admiring how easy it had been.

Karin looked shocked, though she still wasn't completely focused on the girls themselves. "I, uh…" she faltered.

Suigetsu grinned, "What's the matter? You weren't actually expecting them to be nicer than you?"

"I…" Karin said quietly. She was starting to sway a little bit. Suddenly, without warning, she collapsed next to Sasuke, her whore-ish body draped over the log in an uncomfortable-looking manner. Sasuke blinked at her, not raising his head from his folded hands. He simply scooted a couple inches to the left and went back to his meditating.

Suigetsu, however, burst out laughing. "Oh my god I can't believe she actually fell for that! She really can't see shit!" He had tears in his eyes and was bent in half over his knees.

"Um…what did you do to her?" Leah asked, cautiously poking Karin.

"Heh heh…I put sleeping medication in her drink," Suigetsu grinned.

"That wasn't nice…" Juugo remarked absently from his spot by the tree.

Sasuke chose not to comment on Suigetsu's prank. "Did you three have something you wanted to tell me about Itachi?"

The three girls blinked. Since Karin was now…asleep…they really didn't have to distract anyone. And since the three conscious members of Team Hebi had been ignoring what they did in their leisure time for all hours previous, they doubted this would change now. They were pretty much free to search for Greg now on their own accord.

"Um…No…We were just bored," Claire lied.

"But you guys are more boring so we're leaving now," Eva grinned, "Bye!"

The three of them darted off leaving Sasuke irritated, Suigetsu laughing, Juugo staring at the lake, and Karin slumped over a log.

xXx

For whatever reason, Leah and Claire had not noticed all the _stuff_ Karin had crammed into the tent when they were sleeping in it the night before. Maybe it had been the lack of light, but now that it was day and the walls of the tent were illuminated like the inside of a lamp, they noticed the giant pile of crap she had pack-ratted into the corner.

As they slowly picked their way through her belongings, the three of them vaguely wondered how she managed to bring it all when she and the three guys moved from place to place. Ninja or not, she would have to carry it; weight wasn't a factor, but space was.

But it was only a brief thought, as they had other more important things on their agendas. Like finding Greg. Among Karin's things they found hairbrushes, a toothbrush, clothes, make-up, a large collection of kunai and shuriken, a few books—mostly romances and one entitled "_How to Woo Your Lover_". They also found some slightly more disturbing things in the bottom of the pile of Karin's stuff. Sasuke's shirt, Sasuke's underwear, a used tissue (probably used by Sasuke), Sasuke's socks, and what probably used to be his left shoe…Seeing as Karin had stolen it, he had probably abandoned the other one and just got new shoes.

Although they combed through this collection of items numerous times for almost half an hour, they did not fine Greg. Discouraged, the girls slumped to the dirt floor of the tent, staring sadly at the objects on the floor that were not Greg.

"Where could he be if he's not here?" Claire asked numbly.

Eva sighed, depressed. "I dunno…"

Leah shoved little bits of dirt around on the floor with her finger while she thought. She turned her head in the direction of the pile of kunai, studying it closely. "Do you think she would really be carrying this many kunai in her bag?" she asked after a while.

"Well, yeah, I guess," Eva shrugged, "I mean, they have to have a bunch in case one breaks or gets stuck in a dead guy or something." She giggled at the thought.

"I know that I just mean it seems like there wouldn't be _this _many," Leah clarified, "Because what about those little bags they carry around all the time. Look, there's like forty here! I think she would keep most of them in her ninja bag thing, not in the tent."

Claire looked at the pile of kunai too. "You're right…that does seem like an awful lot…"

"Do you think…?" Leah began slowly. The others waited expectantly for her to finish, but she shook her head. "Never mind," she said.

"No wait, what were you going to say?" Eva pressed.

"Well…Maybe if she thought we were going to steal Greg back she'd think that the first place we'd look would be the tent with all her stuff. So maybe she took all the kunai and stuff out of the little bag all the ninja people always wear and put Greg in _there_ so we wouldn't be able to get him back without her noticing."

Claire and Eva stared at her, their eyes wide. "Wow…that's…really…insightful of you, Leah," Claire mumbled in awe.

Leah scratched at the design she had made in the dirt. "I told you it was stupid, I bet I'm just over-thinking this. I don't know where Greg could be…"

"Stop being so negative, I bet you're right!" Eva insisted happily, "Why else would she have all these kunai in here? Especially when she has so much other crap to carry…"

Claire nodded in agreement. "So…now that we know where he is, how do we get him?"

"Well, if she's still asleep we can just take the bag thing and get Greg out and put it back before she notices," Leah said.

XxX

The campsite was half-empty when the girls emerged from the tent. They were hardly surprised at the lack of compassion in the group, but still found it slightly odd that both Suigetsu and Sasuke had left Karin alone on the log. Sasuke had probably taken advantage of her unconscious silence to go off and think in peace, and they could hear some muted yells and thumps as Suigetsu was presumably swinging that giant sword of his into unsuspecting trees. In any case, she and Juugo were in the same spots as they had been when the girls had left; even Juugo didn't seem to have bothered to help her in any way.

They hated Karin anyway so they didn't really care. In fact, it was kind of nice, since it made their job easier. Juugo had his eyes closed, probably meditating or something, so all they had to do was sneak over, get the bag, and extract Greg. Simple.

Juugo didn't so much as twitch an ear when they crept a little less than silently over to Karin. They nodded at each other apprehensively as Claire carefully detached the bag from her waist. The three of them nearly had heart attacks though when she twitched in her sleep.

"Nnng…Sasu…ke…" she mumbled.

The girls had to clap their hands over their mouths quickly to stop from laughing. They darted off towards the side of the lake opposite Juugo, hidden from Karin's view by the cover of the trees.

Claire slowly unzipped the tiny bag, making sure she didn't accidentally snag anything that was inside on the metal teeth. The three friends gasped when they saw the mottled teal plush of Greg's head. Claire quickly pulled him out and smoothed the wrinkles induced by the tiny prison.

"Poor Greg!" Eva cried, "I can't believe she stuffed him in there! It's all small and dark and evil!"

Leah took Greg from Claire and hugged him to her. It was true that the bag had been way too small for Greg to fit in comfortably, meaning that he had been folded in ways that would have broken bones. But of course Greg didn't have bones; he was too hot for them.

Still, their mission had been accomplished. The hotness of Greg was once again free from the clutches of evil.

"Buahaha," Claire cackled sinisterly, "The stupid ugly skanks of the world shall never triumph over all that is wonderfully hot and plushy."

"No they shall not," Eva agreed, attempting and equally disturbing grin.

"Hey," Leah said suddenly. Her tone was different from the accomplished tones of her comrades. "What is this…?" She held up Greg and pulled a small bundle of black stuff from the back of his sexy neck.

The three of them looked at it for a moment. Then with a rush of horror, they realized what it was.

"EWWWWWWW!" the three of them shrieked.

Leah quickly dropped the lock of Sasuke's hair and wiped her hands on her pants roughly. Claire stepped away from it and rubbed her arms, shuddering. Eva stuck out her tongue and tried to shove it away from her with her toe.

"Karin is really creepy," Claire muttered. The other two nodded furiously and stared at the disgusting thing in silence.

"Oy, Juugo! What happened to the whore I left here?"

Three hearts stopped as the meaning of Suigetsu's brash words reached their ears. They waited in dreading silence, mostly because they were paralyzed in fear.

"I didn't hear her wake up…" came Juugo's passive reply.

"Well that's weird…where would she have gone? We should probably find her, those pills I gave her are also supposed to increase aggression. Heh heh heh…We don't want her to kill some random innocent squirrel," Suigetsu chuckled darkly.

_Increased aggression? _Eva, Leah, and Claire thought simultaneously.

The dread barely had a chance to rise in their throats before they saw her. She looked like Frankenstein's monster. Her bright pink hair was sticking out even more than usual. Her face was the very embodiment of rage, and the stress lines under her eyes that were visible without her glasses amplified the effect.

"You…" she growled, raising a zombie-like hand at them, "_You_…"

She began to walk towards, them, her steps thumping heavily on the packed dirt like a dinosaur's. Then she increased her speed until she was in a clear charge towards them.

Eva shrieked and the three terrified girls darted apart, letting Karin crash against the tree. She whipped her head around like a wild animal, digging her claw-like nails into the tree bark. Her aggression seemed to overcome her blindness, and she quickly spied the blurry Leah, clutching Greg to her chest, and leapt towards her.

Leah quickly sidestepped her and tossed the doll into the air. "Eva, CATCH!" she commanded.

Claire hit her head against the tree she was hiding behind and closed her eyes, not wanting to watch Eva's failed attempt at a grab, sealing their doom.

Slow motion played into effect as Eva paddled her hands against the air. Miraculously, one of her wild swoops actually closed on Greg, and she pulled him in to secure him with her other hand.

The look of awe on Eva's face at actually _catching_ something—and under pressure, no less—was marred when she heard Karin's murderous growl. She glanced up and saw an angry pink-haired beast crashing towards her on a death rampage. Barely thinking of the consequences, Eva stepped out of the way.

The sun sparkled down on the water in a blinding way. Karin shrieked like a monster and pulled her arms up to shield herself from the glare, but was already moving to fast to stop.

There was a thunderous crash, and water sprayed up as if from the breaching of a whale. So powerful it reached the confines of the trees, it showered the girls with cool, salty drops. It took several seconds after the chaos from the splash died down before she resurfaced, gasping.

Laughter erupted on both sides of her. Suigetsu's was almost as loud at the three girls' combined, and the four of them were practically rolling on the ground from their perspective points around the edge of the lake as the soggy Karin paddled frantically towards the shore.

Gasping, she reached the side closer to Juugo, who had his eyes wide and a shocked expression on his face. She pulled herself out of the lake and water flooded off her in a gushing torrent. Karin kicked Suigetsu as she stormed towards the tents, but he didn't seem to be bothered.

"Bet that cooled you off, huh Nessy?" he choked out between his suffocating laughter.

Making the troop complete, Sasuke emerged from the forest right in front of Karin, who was forced to stop. He blinked at her, clothes suctioned to her body by water and her hair also darkened by the dunk. Karin didn't seem to have the energy to walk around him. She simply glared at Sasuke, though she surely knew who he was by process of elimination. The laughter ceased as the small crowd watched and waited for Sasuke's reaction.

"You're wet."

Karin's mouth dropped open in disbelief. She kept staring straight ahead even after he moved away. Silent and booming, depending on intensity or the condition of the throat it was emerging from, the harsh, barking sound returned. She shook her head and continued on her quest towards the tent, sniffling, as the others nearly suffocated from the water's edge behind her.

xXx

Karin waited until Leah and Claire were definitely asleep before entering the tent herself. She felt like she would explode if she had to hear one word from any of them after Sasuke had refused to switch the sleeping arrangements. She didn't have the energy to argue with them at all after the most strenuous day she had had in…a very long time. Besides, she figured she'd be pissed off no matter what, since everyone had insulted her today.

Exhausted, Karin crawled into her sleeping bag at around two o' clock, resisting the urge to shove her heel into Leah's and Claire's skulls as she passed them. She shuffled around as quietly as she could so she wouldn't wake them and have to deal with their obnoxiousness until she was comfortable.

Despite how tired she was, she didn't feel like she could sleep. She stared up at the creased roof of the tent. Though it appeared blurred and fuzzy to her, she could still make out the contrast of the wooden pole holding the structure in place, illuminated by the blue glow of the moon from above.

Karin squinted at the pole. Something didn't look quite right about it. There was a black smudge where there should have just been glowing blue canvas. Curious, but unable to discern what the object was with just her sight, she scooted back and sat up a bit. Propped up on one elbow, she was able to reach the top of the tent with her other hand. She brushed her fingers against the object. It was thin and cool and had four rounded edges.

Karin frowned, wondering what the hell could be hanging from the support pole of the tent. She sat up all the way and used both hands to maneuver the object off the wood. As she felt it with both hands, her expression turned to horror, and she felt bubbling deep in her throat as her face turned red and sinister in the dark of the tent. She, gritted her teeth, took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and—

"_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!**_"

XxX

Birds sleeping from their havens in the forest were startled from sleep and rushed up to the skies with a ruckus. Any creature within three miles of Team Hebi's campsite was violently shaken from sleep, including the six people in a ten-foot radius of Karin.

Dealing with the girl while she currently harbored these tendencies of violence and anger so great she could have punched through Mount Everest was not wise. Instead, they all pretended to go on sleeping, making Karin herself wonder if she had actually screamed.

Though neither of them enjoyed being woken up in this most heart-stopping, pants-crapping manner at two in the morning, Leah and Claire both smiled into their pillows.

_Looks like Karin found her glasses,_ they thought.

**Author's Note:**

**Eva: Yay! Torturing Karin is FUN!!!!!!! And yeah...not much else to say here...plus I almost never say anything anyway...**

**Claire: We do not like Karin. In case you didn't notice.**

**Leah: -nods in agreement-**

**I almost feel sorry for her.**

**We got another Ugly Doll to be friends with Greg and all of his hotness. Except, the new one actually is rather ugly. His name is Arnold, he has a big nose and looks like a toe.**

**EDIT:**

**Claire: Sorry people...forgot to tell you when the next chapter should be up. We're not really sure this time cuz there are no more birthdays...but we think March 20th**


	8. Ants and Tracey MacElliot the Third

**Authors Note:**

**Leah: Meh…I really don't like this chapter, probably because I wrote like eighty percent of it and it's evil and meh…**

**Sorry this chapter took so long to get out. I, personally, had three different projects for school. I had to make and learn how to play a flute for physics (much easier said than done), make two dolls for Japanese class and memorize how to say eight characteristics for each of them (Eva and Claire did this too), and I had to do a big WW2 project on the Japanese Internment Camps in the U.S. (Claire and Eva also had history projects). So yeah, that's why it took forever and not to mention that we're lazy, working on other writing projects, and stuff like that.**

**In other news, Charli now has a hamster named Honey…and not surprisingly, it's just like Charli. Cute and secretly evil. It bit my finger today cause Charli put it down my shirt and I was trying to get it out -.-**

**I also have a stalker at school and he's a total pervert. He used to stalk Claire, then Eva, but now he stalks me** **because I'm too nice to say "go fuck yourself" like Eva and Claire do. But…he's nice and non-perverted to me so I don't really care.**

**Jason has decided that he's going to be Hitler for Halloween…**

**Eva: Yay! I wrote 2 of this chapter!! XD**

**I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING HOMWORK I'M ABOUT TO STAB SOMETHING**

**-strangles Quy Anh- (she's my friend at school. She looks like a BROOOOOM!!)**

**I have this gigantic history project due tomorrow which I have barely done anything on, and I've had three weeks and and and DAMMMMMNNNN PROCRASTINATION!!**

**The teachers at school are trying to murder us, I'm sure. All three of us have been dying under the pressure. DX**

**I have realized (for the fifth time this year) that they enjoy coordinating it so all of the homework for our classes are due the exact same fucking day….**

**Btw, we're going to be at anime expo this year, (obviously the CA one). I'm going as Mello, and Claire's going as Matt, and Leah's going as Misa!! :D (although –twitch- Misa…..-glares-) I hate Misa. Oh well. It shall be fun. Maybe we'll wear a badge that says: "HI! I'M EVA!! XD" or something like that. Idk. It'd be cool to meet you guys if you go….**

**Oh, right. We all have deviantart accounts. I'm xanawhitedragon, leah's xXNairoXx, and Claire's Jemmi8Q. Yeah. Look us up if you feel like it.**

**BUT YOU MUST LOOK AT THIS!!oneoneone!11! It's really funny, and a perfect example of how America fucks up everything. Go to morbidoptimism (.) com and go to rants, then click on why Americans shouldn't cosplay. Leah's getting pissed at me cuz our author's note's so long. So see ya later.**

**Claire: As you can see, after all these weeks, Eva is still a moron. I do not regret punching her multiple times when we were coming back. I think I'm in shock at the moment from the ginormous amount of homework I have and that mean's I'm actually able to add to this insanely long author's note…I might be repeating something the idiot already said because I didn't bother to read her rambling, but I just need to make sure this is absolutely clear:**

**WE ARE NEVER MAKING A DEADLINE FOR OURSELVES AGAIN. **

**It didn't occur to me that when I thought of that idea that I would decide not to write for like…two months. Which is unhelpful. **

**Now I'm gonna go have a seizure and work on history stuff…and english…and math…and physics…**

**I need not explain my feelings of intense DOOM. D:**

Chapter LKSAHDKFAHKFJHASDILHFKASJDHFAJSIEHFAIUSEHFAKLSEJFHA 8:

Sasuke's new tactic for getting information out of the three girls seemed to be boring them until they had nothing better to do than blab their secrets out. But this, much to the girls' delight, was having the opposite effect. Eva was more than happy to spend the entire span of her time with Suigetsu, so they could both be perverted and talk about swords together. Leah and Claire were somewhat pleased to have a break from Eva and her idiocy. They chose instead to dwell in the peaceful company of Juugo, who did not object to their presence. Sasuke was forced to brood in his own irritated silence while Karin continued her futile (and ridiculous) quest to win his heart.

At the moment Eva and Suigetsu were off somewhere, and Sasuke had gone off to…do something. Karin had followed him, leaving the remaining two hostages in the care of Juugo, trusting that they would not do anything to provoke him into a manic killing spree.

The three of them sat at the edge of a small pond. The grassy bank was dotted with multiple kinds of trees that the girls had never bothered to know the names of, not being hikers or something like that. The plant-life varied along the edge of the water, turning a deeper marshy green color and sprouting things such as cattails from their leafy bases. They stared into the depths of the pond, watching small fish and other marine life dart through the ripples.

Claire usually hated silence and found it unbearable or awkward, but today the music on her iPod was enough to keep her calm. She lay on the grass with her head on her crossed arms and idly pulled blades of grass out of the earth with her fingers. Leah sat with one knee bent and the other crossed under her, staring at a small patch of dirt the grass had missed that a colony of ants was slowly marching across. Juugo leaned against a tree a few feet away with his eyes closed serenely.

A frog croaked, unseen from behind a patch of tall reeds.

A robin chirped from its vantage point in a high nest.

A squirrel chattered and scampered off behind a bush.

"Frank."

Claire pulled out an earphone and looked at Leah. Juugo opened his eyes.

"What?" Claire asked.

"Frank," Leah repeated, "I name this ant," she pointed to an ant, "Frank."

Claire got up on her knees and inched over. "This one?"

"No, that one over there."

They watched the ant for a moment. Even Juugo had his gaze shifted in the direction of the ant patch.

"He _does_ look like a Frank…" Claire said after a moment.

"He does."

"This one looks like a Renaldo to me."

"Indeed."

"…What about this one?"

"…I'm not sure."

"Juugo, what do you think?"

Juugo blinked. For a second the two girls thought he was going to ignore them since he remained stationary by his tree, but he slowly got to his feet, ambled over, and crouched next to them.

"That one." Leah pointed to the mystery ant; she wasn't sure if he could have seen the specific ants they were discussing from far away.

They waited patiently, watching his stony face as he surveyed the ant. "Keith," he said finally. Immediately, Claire shuddered and started banging her head on the ground, while Leah burst into laughter. Juugo looked puzzled. "What did I say?"

Claire continued banging her head on the ground and yelling muffled curses while Leah explained through giggles. "One day after school I was really bored and high on cupcakes and I started naming things like pencils and making them talk. I named one of them 'Keith' and I made it be really annoying."

"UUUHHHHHHH! I HATE KEITH!" Claire screeched, pulling at her hair in frustration. She shuddered again. "But better Keith than—"

"Georgina!" Leah exclaimed happily, "And this is Bobert."

"NOOOO!" Claire shuddered again and resumed her head banging.

Juugo blinked again. "You don't strike me as the type of person who could be annoying," he told Leah.

"She can! You wouldn't think so, but she CAN!" Claire hissed, glaring at her friend. Leah smiled sheepishly. Juugo said nothing and continued observing the ants.

"I think this one should be Elizabeth," Leah said thoughtfully, returning to the original task.

Juugo nodded in agreement. "The one next to it strikes me as an Angela."

Soon they were deep in their game of naming ants. Claire calmed down after a minute or so and rejoined them.

xXx

Charli and Konan walked slowly in the city, taking their time to make sure they didn't miss Eva, Leah, or Claire. Charli dragged Konan into a shop every so often, asking for a candy or some pastry. Although she wasn't really hungry or wanting a treat, she did it because she wanted to make sure that the villagers didn't get suspicious of them. So by acting like a snobby, spoiled, and stupid child, she knew that the villagers would assume that she and Konan were just tourists.

Konan was keeping up her mom act fairly well. Except for the fact that she wanted to rip Charli's head off…or at least give her a good smack. Charli, in general, was being very annoying. Even though Konan knew that it was part of the act, she was still getting a headache from hearing "Mom", or "Mommy", or "Mama", every twenty seconds.

Konan made a vow to never have children of her own. She'd probably feed them to Zetsu if she did.

"Mama?"

Konan flinched. "Yes?"

Charli blinked a few times. "…Never mind. I forgot." She went back to happily skipping in front of her in the streets, then circling back behind Konan, then going into another shop or to pet a dog.

Konan kept looking. So far, there had been no such luck. Then again, she wasn't really expecting the girls to be outside. They were probably being held in some prison cell, being interrogated on the Akatsuki by nameless Konoha guards.

"Mommy?" Charli said, running up to Konan.

"Yes sweetie?" Konan replied, almost failing to hide the effort she had to put into it.

Charli leaned close to her and whispered, "I need to tell you a secret."

Konan had to kneel so hers and Charli's faces were at the same level. To the villagers, the whole scene looked very cute. Konan had gotten compliments from the locals on how cute her "daughter" was, though she died a little inside when someone told her that Charli had inherited her nose.

Charli cupped her hand around her mouth and whispered more quietly than before, "We'll split up from here. I'll take the left side of town, you take the right. We'll meet up in front of the Hokage's tower in an hour and a half."

Konan nodded. "Okay, just be careful, and remember, only an hour and a half," she said louder, in her mommy voice. She reached into her pocket and handed Charli some money. "Take this just in case okay, and you know where to meet me."

"Thank you!" Charli squealed. She gave Konan and hug and a kiss on the cheek before running off.

Konan seriously considered giving that child the worst paper cut of her life, but for the sake of the mission she didn't.

"Your daughter is so cute, she has your pretty blue eyes," an elderly woman said.

Konan died a little more inside.

XxX

"But if you have the sheath so thin, wouldn't the blade cut through it?" Eva asked, confused at the design of a sword Suigetsu was showing her.

"Only if you're enough of a dumb-shit to sheath the blade upside down…," he muttered.

Eva winced, eyes flickering towards a now-dead sheath that she had done just that to. "Heh heh…I said sorry…."

"It was an heirloom."

"I'm _sorry_."

"A _priceless_ heirloom."

Eva huffed, laying her head down onto the ground and slamming her forehead into the dirt multiple times. "I apologize. I've said sorry so many times I don't see how I can say it any more."

"An _irreplaceable _priceless heirloom."

"Stop adding adjectives."

Sasuke threw a glance over to them. Suigetsu rarely procrastinated with torture. He watched Eva apologize and Suigetsu guilt her for another ten minutes, and then he realized what they were doing. "Ah…that's amusing."

xXx

Charli skipped on down the street, turning her head to peer down an alleyway as she passed them. So far, no luck. She hadn't even heard anyone mention them, but then again, what should she expect from such a big town.

She'd have to find someone she knew for sure had met them and discreetly ask where they were. Tsunade was completely out of the picture. There was no way she could get any information from the Hokage without her becoming suspicious. Sakura was a possibility. Charli didn't know whether or not Sakura knew about them, but it was likely she did, but Sakura seemed smart enough to catch her. Sai was another likely candidate, but he'd tell someone if he thought something was a bit fishy. Kakashi, even though she thought he was the one who took them in the first place, was way too perceptive to fall for her charisma and innocence.

Charli looked off to her right, and that's when it clicked. She reached her hand into her bag and pulled out the money that Konan gave her. She counted it and smiled. It was just enough. Blowing the annoying wispy hairs out of her face, she walked into Ichiraku Ramen with a goal in mind.

Naruto, he'd be dumb enough to get tricked by her. She could say something like 'Have you seen my big sister anywhere? She's kinda short, brown hair, blue eyes, pretty…' or, 'Gosh, where are the Goths in this town?' or, 'Have you ever met someone with OCD? My sister's friend cleaned my sister's room once because it was so messy and she had OCD' Any of those should bring up something in Naruto's puny mind.

She got up on a stool with little difficulty, since the stool was almost as tall as her. How she missed wearing heels. She took a menu from a small bin against the wall and began reading down the laminated list.

"Good afternoon," the man behind the bar greeted with a friendly smile upon his face, "Can I get you anything to eat or are you still looking?"

Charli smiled cutely at him, "I'm still looking, thank you."

He nodded and went back to tending some pots of ramen. Charli skimmed over the menu a few more times, just stalling in hopes that Naruto would stop by. If he didn't, she didn't really care. At least she would get some good food in her before she had to go back to Konan in an hour.

After another three minutes, Charli finally put her menu down "I think I'm ready to order now."

The man turned around, wiping his hands on a towel hanging out of his pocket with a smile on his face, "Okay, what can I get you?"

"I'll have some miso ramen with just the corn, bean sprouts, and garlic on it. Sorry to sound picky, but I'm a vegetarian," she said as sweetly as she could. She wasn't really a vegetarian, but Claire was, so if Claire was here there was a chance that Mr. Ichiraku would remember her.

The man smiled. "Okay, it should be ready in a minute."

"Thank you," she said politely. Despite her evil tenancies, her cruel pranks, and her satanic mind, she was almost always polite to people she didn't know, especially those who gave her food.

The man looked over his shoulder as he cut up some garlic. "You know, there was a girl in here the other day who was a vegetarian, she ordered the same thing except with everything on it and just didn't eat the chicken," he chatted.

Bingo. Charli smiled, propping her elbows on top of the counter and placing her head atop her folded hands, she asked, "Really? Do you remember what she looked like? I have a friend who visited here a few days ago and she's a vegetarian."

Mr. Ichiraku turned around, leaving the food to cook on its own while he talked to the deceivingly cute girl. He looked up at the ceiling in thought. "Gosh, I can't really remember, but she was with Naruto, some of his friends, and two other girls. I think she had red hair, but I don't really know," he said, giving her an apologetic smile.

Charli smiled too. That was a lot more information that she had thought she would get out of a restaurant owner, but it was still faulty. A lot of people were vegetarians, a lot of people hung out with Naruto, and a lot of people had red hair. She still didn't have the solid evidence or any clues as to where they were, and this irked her. This wasn't coming easily to her as most things did, she'd need to wait a bit longer.

XxX

Deidara and Kisame sat with their backs to the fireplace, chatting quietly about random stuff. There wasn't much to talk about. Kisame had told him the story of the red socks. It was epic really, and for that reason it couldn't be repeated.

"Two more days 'till Christmas," Kisame pointed out dully.

"Hn," Deidara nodded, resting his chin on his knees and staring at the carpet in front of them.

The other Akatsuki members, minus Konan, contently watched the fire crackling in the big white fireplace. Stockings and decorations hung over the mantle, making the dark room look less ominous. No one had bothered to turn on any of the lights as it got dark outside, so the warm (yet creepy) glow of the fire was the only thing illuminating the room.

Pein stared at the fire thoughtfully. "There's a chance," he said carefully, "that we will have to eliminate the girls."

"Why's that, Leader-sama?" Tobi asked as he dug though the cupboards looking for marshmallows to make s'mores. "If it's because you think they know too much about us, that's not a reason to kill them," he said, opening another cupboard, "If you think about it, Leader-sama, they really don't know too much about us. Sure, they know our personalities somewhat and maybe some of our jutsus, but isn't that stuff that a lot of other people know? We never told them anything about this organizations goals and—oh marshmallows!" he quickly pulled out the long-searched-for bag and opened it.

Kakuzu shrugged. "He has a point. I honestly have no problem at all with killing them, but they do provide us a place to stay for free and that doesn't have a bunch of enemy ninja."

The others nodded in agreement.

Pein closed his eyes. "Still, there's a chance—" light streamed in through the front kitchen window as the headlights of Jason's car curved around the driveway.

Tobi put a marshmallow on a stick and squatted next to Kisame in front of the fire and slowly let the marshmallow cook. Deidara rolled his eyes at the childish behavior of his partner, but said nothing.

The door that led to the garage opened loudly, Jason's signature entrance into any room or house since he had to make sure that everyone knew that he was there. He quickly walked into the kitchen and unloaded an armful of groceries and turned the lights on.

But Jason was not alone.

"—So then I was like 'Oh my gosh, Zac Efron is so much cuter' and then she was like 'No way, Corbin Bleu is'…" a girl said in a voice that the Akatsuki could immediately recognize as the boy-crazy, Abercrappy and Bitch wearing, Paris Hilton wannabe, Jenny.

"I personally don't think either of them are that cute, but Johnny Depp—that's a different story," another female, older, voice said.

"I think you're both idiots," another woman's voice added, "Hey Jason, where's Durham? I need to let my mutt off her leash before she tears my arm off."

Jason looked over to Pein. "Piercing dude, you know where the fluffy fagball is?" He asked gruffly as he shoved milk and orange juice into the fridge.

"Outside."

"Okay Rachel, you can let her loose."

A second later, one of the biggest dogs that the Akatsuki had every seen by far dashed into the room like it had been possessed by some sort of evil spirit. It ignored Jason, ran past Pein, Deidara, Kisame, Tobi, Zetsu, Itachi, and Kakuzu and leaped into the air.

Hidan barely had time to turn around before he was knocked to the ground by the oversized dog. Hidan's face was attacked by a giant pink tongue and slobber while heavy gray paws pinned him by the shoulders.

"The hell! Animals keep fucking attacking me!" he yelled, trying to push the gigantic gray dog off of him.

The Akatsuki members laughed.

Hidan managed to sit up and he pushed the dog on the chest as it still licked his face. The dog backed up for a second, giving Hidan enough time to stand. However, she did not seem to understand the message Hidan was trying to get across and stood on her hind legs, slinging her front paws over Hidan's shoulders, and kept on kissing his face.

"Dammit dog! Get off!" Hidan said, moving his face away and taking steps back in order to get the dog off him and not hurt her, knowing that he wasn't allowed to attack or kill anything or anyone in La Jolla.

"Tracey MacElliot the Third! Get off that poor man right now you naughty girl!" a pretty blonde woman said as she rushed into the room. She yanked Tracey by her collar and made her sit at her ankle.

"Fucking mutt," Hidan muttered wiping his face on his sleeve, but deciding that he's still have to properly wash it to get the dog breath scent off.

The woman held Tracey's collar tightly while apologizing to Hidan. "I'm so sorry about this, she's really a good dog," she cleared her throat and held out her hand that wasn't restraining the oversized dog, "You must be Hidan, Jason's told me about you guys."

Hidan shook her hand awkwardly. "Yeah…hi."

"Oh my gosh, Jenny, you were totally right! All these guys _are_ super hot," another girl, also with blonde hair said as she entered the room with Jenny.

"Yeah, I told you so, Nicole," Jenny said and went over help Jason with the groceries.

The oldest blonde girl finally let go of Tracey, letting the Irish wolfhound sniff around the house since Hidan no longer occupied its attention.

"Jason," Deidara said, "Who are these people?" he asked, carefully eyeing Jenny. She, surprisingly, paid them no attention and stacked some boxes of crackers in the cupboard.

"Oh, sorry I didn't introduce myself," the eldest girl said, "I'm Rachel MacElliot, Jason's fiancée."

The second blonde girl, who was staring at Zetsu with the same boy-crazy eyes that Jenny once possessed, snapped out of her trance and said, "I'm Nicole MacElliot."

Kisame's eyes widened. He didn't know whether or not anyone else had made the connection, but judging by the expressions and Itachi's sudden need to escape the room to go outside, they had. "Isn't that Jenny's last name?" he asked unsurely.

Jenny smiled at him. "Yep, they're my older sisters. Nicole's an intern at Jason's hospital and Rachel's a nurse."

Some of them seemed a bit uncomfortable being around a bunch or girls who were related to Jenny, especially Pein, Deidara, and clearly Itachi since he was pretending to be busy looking for Durham outside. But they introduced themselves anyway and didn't bother with fake names seeing as Jason had told Rachel about them.

Jason crumpled up the plastic grocery bags and tossed them in the trash. "Wait a second, where's Konan and Charli?"

"They're down at the police station to see if they can get any help with finding Leah, Eva, and Claire," Deidara lied.

Jenny dropped the bottle of Sobe she had been carrying to the fridge, the glass shattering as it hit the floor and its red-pink contents splashing around it like really bad blood effects.

"What?!" she squeaked, "What happened to them? Do you know if they're okay? Oh my gosh, how come no one told me about this?" Jenny demanded, running over to Deidara, grabbing his shoulders and looking him in the eyes.

"We talked to them two days ago and we haven't been able to get a hold of them since," Pein said.

"They sounded fine on the phone, other than the fact that they were…well, kidnapped," Kakuzu added.

Nicole seemed in muted shock, and Rachel had apparently heard what happened from Jason and was looking concerned.

Jenny threw her hands up in the air. "Guh! You guys are like, so useless!" she said, running her fingers through her hair, "Is there anything I can do at least? They're like, my friends and—"

"We're working on it. Don't worry, they'll be okay," Tobi said.

Jenny was about to speak again when a set of keys were tossed at her, which hit her in the arm but she still managed to catch.

"Okay, everyone get in the cars," Jason ordered, grabbing his keys off the counter, "I don't want to think about this mess right now, so we're all having dinner at Fuddruckers."

"Butt fuckers, what?" Hidan said, looking around in a manner that meant he had zoned out and had misheard what had just been said.

"Fuddruckers," Jason laughed.

"Does that mean us too?" Tobi asked as he shoved his s'more under his mask and it mysteriously disappeared.

Jason nodded and tossed another set of keys at Nicole, which she caught easily due to her softball catching experience.

"Yeah," Jason answered, "Tell Itachi to come inside and let Tracey out and hope she and Durham don't fight. Itachi and Kisame, you're coming with me and Rachel in the BMW. Zetsu, Tobi, and Pein, you go with Jenny in Big Red. Hidan, Deidara, and Kakuzu go with Nicole in the Jeep," he said, pointing at each of them as he said their names.

After dragging Itachi inside and letting Tracey outside to sniff Durham's ass, the other Akatsuki members got to their feet and follow the MacElliot girls down the hallway that lead to the garage while Jason ran ahead, yelling "FUDDRUCKERS!" repeatedly in a strange accent that was a cross between Irish and Arabic.

xXx

Out of the corner of her eye, Charli got a glance of a small boy with a giant blue scarf running towards her at full speed. She blinked and turned towards him. "Yes?"

She had expected him to stop coming towards her when he got close, but apparently he didn't intend to. She jumped off the stool she was sitting on, as an attempt to get out of his way, but her foot got caught in the bottom of her kimono and she started falling forward. The boy was already only about half a meter away from her and unable to stop in time. She fell onto him, but his momentum pushed them both to the ground, her on the bottom.

Charli was un-amused.

"Hi, I'm Konohamaru."

"Kami," she introduced in a monotone, "Get off of me."

He jumped up. "Heh heh, sorry. I didn't expect you to trip…"

She stood up and brushed herself off, fixing her hair and sitting back down on the stool. "Don't try to blame this on me. With your previous momentum and velocity, you should have realized how much force you would have transferred if you were to have hit something, which happened to be me. You should have stopped a whole two meters earlier…idiot."

He blinked at the physics. "Heh?"

"Nevermind."

He scratched his head and tried to change the topic. "So…are you going to the academy or are you a genin or something?"

"I haven't been professionally trained as a ninja," she answered, "I'm from a ways away. I just came for an interview with the Hokage."

He took the bar stool next to her. "Really? What for?"

She sighed, almost wishing she had gone with a more boring excuse for being there. "A school project, nothing that important."

"Do you have anyone special at your school?" he asked slyly.

She chuckled to herself. "No, no I don't."

"Would you like to?"

Charli was beginning to get the impression he had learned some of these lines from Naruto. "That depends who's wondering…."

He smirked. "No one in particular."

"If I don't know who's wondering, I can't say whether I'd like to or not," she replied and ate some more ramen.

Konohamaru banged his head onto the bar top.

She couldn't help but laugh. "You're not good at this, are you?"

He mumbled something into the table that sounded like 'gonna kill Naruto…'

Charli put her chopsticks in her half empty bowl. "So, did you come here just 'cause you got a dare from Naruto or are you actually here for food, 'cause I'm thinking the former," she assumed, leaning her head down on the bar to she was at eye level with him.

He blinked. "W-what makes you think it was a dare?" he asked, clearly guilty though.

Charli smiled. "I know these things, kids at my school do it all the time," she said, "So, where is this Naruto person?"

Konohamaru cocked his thumb over his shoulder, not bothering to lift his head off the table and still mumbling about how big of an idiot he must have seemed like.

She slurped up the rest of her ramen and paid the man behind the counter. She tapped Konohamaru on the shoulder. "Hey, if you want, we could mess with him," she grinned mischievously.

He lifted up his head, sharing her smile. "I'm listening."

Naruto was hiding mischievously behind a fence, waiting with a sadistic gleam in his eye for Konohamaru's return. The advice he had given him was payback for him having beaten Naruto in their sexy no jutsu contest.

He heard him coming.

"So, where do you want me to go?" Charli asked.

He grabbed her hand. "I'm just gonna show you around town."

"Ok." She fake giggled. "That sounds cool!"

Naruto fell to the ground in disbelief. "What. The. Hell." He turned the corner and faced his friend and his new girlfriend. "_Why_ did it work for you and not me?"

Charli smirked, placing her other hand on her hip. "Because he's attractive." _And you're not_, was the un-said continuance.

He fumed.

Konohamaru snaked his arm around Charli's waist and began to walk with her, looking his shoulder to say, "I'd love to stay and chat, Naruto, but—"

Naruto smiled and interrupted him. "Well Konohamaru, I don't like you to be going on this date by yourself."

Konohamaru's eyes widened. "Don't tell me—"

"—you need someone mature to watch you two to make sure you don't get in trouble—"

"—that you're—"

"—so I think it would be in your best interest if I supervise your little 'date'."

Konohamaru's face fell. "…going to chaperone us…"

Naruto smile and gave his friend a pat on the back. "Of course I am, I think of you like a little brother, dattebayo."

Charli giggled. "Konohamaru, it's fine, I don't mind. Besides, I have to meet up with my mom in a half hour in front of the Hokage tower and she'd be very angry with me if she knew that I was alone with someone without an older person around."

Konohamaru sighed. "Fine, Naruto."

Despite the fact that the original plan was just to walk past Naruto, acting like Charli was indeed Konohamaru's girlfriend. But, as Charli predicted, Naruto would insist on intervening and she was fine with that. This was a great opportunity to get some information.

So far, things were going to plan.

**Authors Note:**

**Leah: I feel so alone being the only one that isn't totally stressed out and/or pissed off…**

**Um…hmm… Jason has started a habit of yelling random German phrases. I think he's taking the being-Hitler-for-Halloween thing too seriously. **

**Claire: -has died-**

**And don't nag us if we take four million more years to update. We know you love us, but we're so great we're allowed to have breaks. **

**I can't wait till summer…**

**FORTY-SEVEN DAYS, BITCHES. FORE. TEE. SEVUHN. **

**Heh multiple golf jokes. :)**

**Go talk to your dad if you don't know what I'm talking about.**

**(…My brain is so broken…I can't stop rambling…help…?)**

**Eva: Curse my .3 capacity of creativity right now. I said so much at that beginning I can't think of anything else to say.**


	9. Author's Note: Therapists and Pairings!

WARNING: THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY PART OF THE STORY (come on dudes, its been less than a full twenty-four hours since we posted th

_**WARNING**_: THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY PART OF THE STORY (come on dudes, its been less than a full twenty-four hours since we posted the last chapter -.-). IT'S JUST AN INSANELY LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE. **BUT**. IT DOES HAVE SOME STUFF WORTH READING ABOUT FOR ALL YOU PAIRING FANS (and anti-fans actually…). IT'S AT THE END IF YOU WANT TO SKIP ALL OUR NONSENSE. And people who may have wondered a bit about Tracey MacElliot the Third. And people who for whatever reason enjoy our author's notes…

Author's Note:

Eva: Claire and I realized that we should probably explain the joke behind Tracy MacElliot III, because there is one. Okay, as you guys have probably figured out by now, I am…insane, to say the least. My dad is scared by my morbidity, and as such decided to send me to a therapist. Unfortunately for me, my therapist is in need of therapy.

She is absolutely _positive_ that I have been molested. I tell her about a problem I'm having with my mom, her solution: You've been molested.

I like blood. "You've been molested."

I have daydreams about killing an anime character who has a duck's ass on his head. "Ah…I see. Well, that means you've been molested."

-.-

You get the point. By the way, the quotes were actually from our conversations! (although slightly paraphrased…)

Claire: Since Eva hasn't actually been molested, I made up a molester for her so she could please her crazy-brained therapist! :D

Tracey MacElliot the Third lives in Portland, Oregon. He is thirty-seven years old. He lives in a Beech tree and makes surprisingly bad baklava from a factory in a neighboring tree. He wears loincloths, but his favorite one is the color magenta. He has an eyebrow fetish (Eva: -twitch- bad memories…).

Well Eva, at least you don't have to see our old therapist anymore. Eva went to this guy first (for like…four years) and then I went to him, then we both stopped, and now I'm going again because Dr. Twitchy says so (Dr. Twitchy—to be explained). He doesn't even remember her, which I find funny. He's gay, in denial about being gay, wears cat socks every day of every second of every year, talks like my dad (asks really stupid questions over and over and over AND OVER AGAIN—which also irks me, cuz my dad is annoying too), and is a crap-ass therapist in general! :)

Fun fun fun!

DR. TWITCHY.

Sadly he has now moved on to pester another therapist's office. Boo hoo. Anyway, the first time I went to see him to get diagnosed for depression (AGAIN. Omg it's so obvious I'm depressed that my lizard could tell you that and I forget he exists almost every other day Eva: Wait, you have a lizard? O.o I thought that cage/box/aquarium thingy was empty and you were just being lazy about cleaning it out and stuff… -looks over at it- CREEEEEEPY…;;;; Claire: Yeah, Eva, he's still alive. -.-) he was acting…strange. The whole twenty minutes or so I was in there…he was…his whole body was…_vibrating._ That sounds really disturbing in kind of an Eva-ish way but it's not really what I mean. A good analogy would be if any of you have ever played the Sims and gotten them to stay awake by coffee for three or four days, they'll stand in one spot and _vibrate_.

So I'm looking at this dude trying to ignore what he's saying cuz he pisses me off and just thinking: Man, are you testing every drug you're prescribing? You sure damn act like it…

And that's the story of Dr. Twitchy.

And now there's more stuff I have to say! Guh…yesterday I was just broken because I'm really mad about having to do a fucking history project LKSDFJHASKDJHFPAKDZJNFK;DEEAHSDKLJK;SDZJFKLJHDAL;RKTSFJDGMTJKVFDL;KGBFEMG/;LDGCGNKLDCZHFVS;KCLDXFM/XZLJKLVZJL;FXGVJADZLKFGJDSkalfjgkl;zfzaskljd STILL!! But now I have the weekend…slightly less stress…(slightly). So I got to remember the other things I would have said in my author's note! And I already forgot about half of them…but one of them was the FUDDRUCKERS DEAL.

Oh. My. Gasldkfjslkdfjlakesjhrioewd. I hate Fuddruckers. Every time someone says the name, I cringe. CUZ TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE 'BUTT FUCKERS'. I was the one who came up with that, thank you very much :)

I am so proud to say that I've never been there…and happy that I'm a vegetarian because I'm guessing they serve a lot of burgers (LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING RESTAURANT IN AMERICA!) and I do not approve of that…so I have an excuse not to ever go there! EVAH. :D

Eva: Okay, and people. One more thing. I'm pretty sure this is one of the things that Claire was going to add into her author's note, but…yeah…I'll just say it.

DO YOU WANT US TO DO PAIRINGS?!

Because if you do, we're fine with it.

Something that we've noticed is that people get pissed off when there's pairings with OCs. We get pissed off too. Mostly cuz the people are all Mary Sues….  
But anyway, there's been some reviews about how there's a lack of pairings and about how some of you guys want pairings.

So.

Yeah.

Do you guys seriously want us to do pairings?

Claire: OMG YEAH THAT WAS IT! I've been meaning to do this since like…halfway through the PREQUEL. I keep…-cough-…forgetting…

BUT YES! THAT IS THE QUESTION!

Dude, we've gotten like 50 comments randomly mentioning things about pairings. I mean, obviously we seem to be doing LeahxDeidara but there are others. Also obvious.

But I personally am very against pairings with OCs because PEOPLE DO NOT DO IT WELL.

Example:

OC: Omg I love life.

–POOF. AKATSUKI-

OC: OMG DON'T EAT ME.

Akatsuki: Okay sure fine whatever.

FUN TIMES FUN TIMES FUN TIMES.

Akatsuki member: OMG I LOVE YOU.

OC: OMG ME TOO.

–MAKING OUT…SOMETIMES MORE…-

_No_.

I thought it was universal but apparently I'm alone in more things than usual, and some of you people actually want us too…But I just want to make sure…with like…a formal vote.

SO COMMENT AND TELL US :D

Loveslovesloves.

Now I think I'm sinking back into a panic about my history project…which I shall promptly ignore until two in the morning! Know why? I'M ACTUALLY IN THE MOOD TO WRITE. SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO. OMG.

Eva: And just in case the vote goes for-pairings, I'd like to point out that there's two possible Eva pairings (SO PICK ONE). EvaxKisame and EvaxSuigetsu (and that one person who thought of EvaxItachi o.0 still don't get that one…and that's not an option, btw). (EvaxSuigetsu is love…:3)

Claire: Last thing.

NO.

UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

YAOI. OR. YURI. OCS OR NOT. 0.o

Weirdos…

Eva: And also, remember the T rating people. It's not changing. NO LEMONS. EVER. -cries a bit on the inside…-

Claire: -slaps Eva but appreciates that she actually managed to say that…-


	10. Splinters and Kisses

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: I know it's been forever since we updated, but if you really have a problem with it, TAKE IT UP WITH MY FLKASDJFLKASDHF;LKASHDFLKS ENGLISH TEACHER. I HATE THAT WOMAN. Of course, all my other cock hole teachers decided to give me an insanely unfair amount of homework. All I've done for the last, like, four chapter's author's notes is complain about how much damn homework I have. And I just now noticed it, and have decided to rant. **

**THE END OF THE FUCKING YEAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE EASIER, NOT HARDER. Face it, after state testing, WE HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WORK FOR. Except preparing for next year, which is really preparing for next year's testing, and so on…**

**HONESTLY. For the last two weeks I have been doing homework NON-STOP. I had 3 English projects (I finished two, but then she assigned another one so I'm back up to two), a History project, a Japanese project, a Physics project, and, here's the killer—AN ESSAY FOR P.E. **

**PHYSICAL EDUCATION.**

**PHYSICAL.**

**NOT**

**MENTAL.**

_**WRONG**_**.**

**All of these projects took a very very long time…except physics, surprisingly, which I hate and is quite difficult…**

**I also had three tests to study for, and miscellaneous homework. And Leah nagging me to write. Which was hard. So you can imagine how happy I was to have a break this weekend…Except somehow the project count has returned to…5…and the test count is at 3. And I have lots of "study guides" (bull…they're homework cuz they're too damn big and if they really were for studying they shouldn't be due…) that I pretty much have to do tonight…I have a physics test tomorrow…I'm afraid.**

**So…I'm fairly unhappy…**

**WHO CARES HOW I AM. On to more important things. **

**We got…tons…of reviews on the last author's note chaptery thing…So I guess first I'll address the main point of that: **_**PAIRINGS.**_

**LeahxDeidara**

**ClairexHidan (ClairexZetsu person, wtf was that? Sorry, that was just totally unexpected…o.O)**

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the super controversial one that caused us to rip our hair out in frustrationnnnnn**

**EVAXKISAME. **

**No EvaxSuigetsu, not debatable, KAY THANKS BYE.**

**And I also have something else that I want to say regarding a review from that chapter…Our three OCs…Someone thought that we had made them Goth for the purpose of having them be more compatible with the Akatsuki. THIS ISN'T TRUE. It didn't even occur to me that someone could ever even come to this conclusion because that whole chapter we were ASKING if you guys thought it was all right to do pairings…if we hadn't asked and it might have been our plan all along to do pairings, then I could see the mistake about making them Goth.**

**Eva, Leah, and Claire are based off our personalities, as real people, and we are Goth…(-ish…In my opinion we're actually kind of posers…but I hate people and enjoy the clothes at Hot Topic, so that is how I classify myself instead of emo (BECAUSE EMO IS A DAMNED MUSIC GENRE PEOPLE, GET IT RIGHT)…but more often I call myself a nerd XP)**

**SO THAT'S THAT. Personally I think the Akatsuki would hate us anyway because we're stupid and annoying…except Leah, she's nice…but they might kill her…/**

**I SHOULD REALLY SHUT UP NOW CUZ I'VE TAKEN OVER A PAGE TO DO MY AUTHOR'S NOTE AND I'M BORING AND RETARDED. :v**

**Leah: Okay, I must address the joke behind Charli's alias. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Japanese language, her name, **_**Kami**_**, means God and it also means paper. I want you to think about this for a second….**

…**.**

…**.**

**You probably didn't think about it at all and are just waiting for me to give you the answer. As you can tell, Charli has a bit of a God-complex (kinda obvious) but there's another thing about it that I think is more interesting. When Charli's pretending to be Kami in Konoha, she's also pretending to be Konan's daughter (and Konan like origami which uses paper) and to poke fun of her she indirectly says that Pein is her father (Pein thinks he's a God). But yeah, you'll read that part in a bit :P**

**My brain stopped functioning like ¾ of the way through writing this. I got bored…then I was writing really weirdly and so I had to stop working on it for a while and I actually got around to working on the book me and Eva have been working on for the past…almost four years (Yes, we're writing a book that we plan on getting published…even though we restarted like eight times and have barely anything written). And so yeah…must take break from writing this until I have motivation again. **

**Eva: I wrote stuff. Kinda. Sorta. A bit.**

…

…

**I feel really useless and unhelpful. But it's not entirely my fault!! I fail at group projects. And no one believes me. They think it's just an excuse to be lazy. But it's not true!! I love writing. Just…not with other people.**

**Anyway, I never have anything interesting to say in Author's Notes so…yeah…read the chapter. –goes back to reading porn-**

**Leah: ….Eva's a mini-Kakashi…**

**Kakashi: I shall call her…Mini-Me**

**Eva: IT'S LIKE CRACK!! I SWEAR TO GOD! No one will believe me unless they also suffer from this…unfortunate infliction…but it's true. I went through withdrawals.**

**Claire: …I will acknowledge that Eva wrote stuff for this chapter, but after that…Let's just say it's fun to steal her phone when it's her only means for porn-reading…**

**Yeah, and I'm also gonna say one more thing cuz this is Tuesday, and yesterday WE TRIED TO POST THE CHAPTER BUT FANFICTION WAS DOING 'MAINTENANCE'. Hoarz. Grr…**

Chapter 9:

_Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, __**OWWW**__! HELL! Why are braids so painful!?_ Juugo winced as Leah, Eva, and Claire pulled at his hair, trying to force the relatively short strands into braids. Or more specifically, cornrows. In between the times Sasuke had pulled them aside—individually now, as it was his new angle—they had started flocking around Juugo. Eva occasionally went off with Suigetsu, but most of the time she was here with Claire and Leah. The three of them always seemed to find a way to pull Juugo into their insanity vortex. Today, they had claimed he would look absolutely dashing with cornrows.

Claire tugged especially hard and he couldn't help but yelp and jerk away instinctively. "Ow!"

Claire frowned since the braid she had been working on for the last seven minutes had now strategically frizzled itself back into vertical twisted lumps. "Stop flinching! I'll pull more of your hair out!"

"Sorry…" he said quietly.

Leah flicked Claire's shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Don't scold our project. His hair is entertaining," she smirked.

Eva tried to hide her giggles with her hands, and ended up losing all the progress she has gained in the last several minutes too. This was rather unfortunate since she had been very close to done with her row. "Dammit!" She huffed and stamped her foot on the ground. Claire stuck out her tongue, now over her own setback.

Leah shook her head. "You people are so immature."

Juugo sighed. In his mind, he agreed with Leah, if only because his mind was a close witness to evidence of their idiocy at this very moment. He tuned out and stared across the campground at the forest.

He was not staring for long before a white shape emerged from the depths of the shadows between the trees. The blur soon solidified as a shirt, being worn by Sasuke. The Uchiha did not make his way towards the tents, as Juugo thought he would, but towards Juugo himself. He figured that it must be time for one of the girls to be interrogated. No sooner had he thought this than he was reminded of the presence of the girls at this very moment, yanking at his scalp.

Juugo twitched forward again, this time by Leah's hand. In that split second he accidentally lost his balance and slipped off his log-stump-chair-thing and into the dirt. The shocked Leah still had hold of one of his orange locks, suspending his head uncomfortably so his neck stuck into the prickly side of the log. No doubt he would find splinters there later.

"Err…could you please…let go of my head," he muttered to Leah while trying to ignore Sasuke watching him from several yards away.

Leah immediately let go and gravity pulled his head roughly onto the wood with a loud _thunk!_

"Sorry!" Leah squeaked quietly. She and the others stared in horror and shock, Eva barely managing not to smile and Claire just blinking, confused. Juugo closed his eyes and tried to ignore the throbbing. Now he had a nasty lump to add to the splinters. He opened his eyes again wearily to see Sasuke step over him to get to the girls.

"Leah," he said blankly.

"I'm sorry!" she peeped again, then hurriedly tried to explain, "I thought there was a mosquito on my arm so I was gonna swat it and it jerked my arm back and then he fell and then I was surprised so I forgot I was holding his hair and he told me to let go so I did and I forgot ab—"

"—I'm not trying to scold you!" Sasuke interrupted, losing a bit of his composure to a lowered black eyebrow, "I simply want to speak to you alone."

Leah stopped her frantic jibbering. "Oh…okay…sorry…"

Claire sighed and Eva shrugged as their enemy led their friend off. The two girls walked around the stump to face Juugo. He sat up and gingerly touched his neck to check for wooden slivers.

"Well this is no good," Claire said, a faint note of amusement in her voice, "It looks like we'll have to start over!"

Juugo paused, barely daring to look up. Eva poked at the back of his head close enough to the bump that he could flinch, and he felt the feathery sensation of one of the cornrows becoming un-sprung.

"Yup," Eva said.

XxX

Konohamaru and Charli walked through a small park, their arms hooked together cutely and looking over their shoulders every few seconds to see how Naruto was reacting to their fake "date". Naruto just kept smiling at them, but every so often he'd grumble about how easy Konohamaru had it. The two eleven year olds would laugh.

"So…Kami…is their any particular reason why your parents named you that? You know what it means, right?" Konohamaru said since he couldn't really think of anything else to talk about.

Charli sighed, regretting her choice for her fake name, but she did have an excuse. It was an odd one, but since Konan was pretending to be her mother, she figured that it worked. "Well, my mom does a lot of origami and my dad has some sort of strange god complex, so I guess it just fit them both," she said in such a way that she could be taken seriously or jokingly.

Konohamaru laughed. Naruto just seemed confused.

Charli sighed. She was running out of time and fast. She had wasted more than an hour going to Ichiraku's and being on a "date" with Konohamaru. If her math was right, which it usually was, she had about twenty or so minutes left before she had to meet up with Konan in front of the Hokage's tower. Not only did she have to get the information she needed, but she needed to get it in a discrete fashion, end the "date" without arousing suspicion, and get to Konan without the two idiots following her. Fabulous.

First order of business. Discretely obtain wanted information pertaining to the subjects whose whereabouts are currently unknown but are being investigated.

Charli stopped walking suddenly, un-hooked her arm, and turned to face Konohamaru, who had also stopped walking at this point. Konohamaru looked at her curiously, an eyebrow raised in a manner that even Charli thought was cute.

"Something wrong Kami?" He asked.

Naruto paused as well and looked on at his friend and the little blonde girl with muted inquisitiveness.

Charli unwrapped Konohamaru's oversized blue scarf then draped it over his shoulders again and rewound it so it was perfectly even on both sides.

Konohamaru blinked, but laughed. "That was…weird… Why'd you do that?"

Charli scratched the back of her head and forced herself to blush slightly, "Sorry, I'm a bit OCD. Everything has to be neat, you know?"

She knew Naruto was listening, and she knew that if Claire had been around a slob like Naruto, he was sure to have experienced some of her OCD-ness. And maybe her previous act would spark something in Naruto's puny memory.

Konohamaru laughed and offered her his arm again, which she took.

Naruto just smiled and kept on walking with them.

Shit. That didn't work. Maybe just one little push to see if Naruto would mention anything, but nothing more than that because then she might sound a little suspicious.

"Do you know anyone with OCD? It can be pretty entertaining sometimes," she added.

He shook his head. "Nope, you're the first," he glanced over his shoulder at Naruto, "How about you Naruto?"

The blonde Kyuubi boy scratched his head. "Yeah actually, a few days ago."

"Cool." Konohamaru said.

"What's her or his name?" Charli asked innocently.

Naruto stopped walking suddenly, his eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to know?" he asked carefully.

Charli shrugged. "Just curious."

Konohamaru elbowed Naruto. "Gosh, don't be so rude to such a pretty girl." He smiled fondly at Charli.

Naruto rubbed his ribs and glanced at the little blonde girl with wary eyes. "I'm not supposed to tell, it was mission stuff."

Now Konohamaru was curious. "C'mon Naruto, we won't tell."

"Why do you want to know?" Naruto demanded. "I'm not supposed to talk about them, Tsunade's already pissed off at me as it is and you know I have to keep my mouth shut about that whole thing, so stop trying to get me in trouble."

Konohamaru was not about to give up that easy though. "Wait, was it that one red haired girl that was living with you for a few days? The one that you said cleaned your room and now you can't find anything?"

Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose and growled. "Konohamaru..."

Charli put a hand on Konohamaru's shoulder. "I don't think you should press it, if he doesn't want to tell just let him be," she said.

She started walking ahead of Naruto, pulling Konohamaru along with her. "Play along," she whispered.

He nodded and grinned mischievously. For him, this was no longer a quest to find out who the person with OCD was. No, now it was just a game to see how many buttons he could push before Naruto tried to kill him.

Charli looked over her shoulder at Naruto. "Of course, if you don't tell us, then we won't tell you what Sakura said about you earlier," she flipped the wispy hair out of her face, smiling so innocently that it actually seemed evil, and added, "And trust me, you'd want to know this."

"How would you know Sakura?" Naruto asked, getting more suspicious, but his need to know what Sakura said about him overpowered his other notions of Charli being possibly dangerous.

Konohamaru got that mischievous little look on his face. "I told Kami about what she said about you. But I guess _you'll _never know."

Naruto stood still on the spot for a second. He ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his forehead, acting like he was having some sort of internal battle featuring knights, horses, cannons, dragons, and the occasional murderous squirrel.

He ran after Konohamaru and Charli. "What'd Sakura say about me?"

"Not telling." Charli replied without a moment's hesitation.

"But…but…please dattebayo?"

"Nope. Sorry Naruto." Konohamaru added.

Naruto sighed. "Fine, I'll tell you but you have to keep your mouths shut about this, okay?"

They nodded.

"Her name was Claire."

Charli smiled. "That's an odd name…foreign?

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, yeah, now tell me what Sakura said."

Charli wagged her finger in front of him. "Tsk tsk, one more question. Is she still here? Not only must I compliment her on cleaning your room to a point where you can't find anything, but I'd like to tell her about a help program to cure stuff like that. I go and I'd love to see more people come."

Naruto shook his head. "No, she and her friends disappeared two days ago; we're still looking for them AND TELL ME WHAT SAKURA SAID!"

Charli giggled. "Konohamaru, you tell him."

Naruto trained his eyes on Konohamaru, who responded with a challenging stare.

Naruto grabbed the younger boy's shoulders and shook him. "Tell. Me. What. Sakura. Said. Now!"

Charli laughed. "Konohamaru, you need some help?"

He smiled at her. "No, I'm good. I think we'll have to cut our date short 'cause Naruto needs to do more than just that to get me to tell him."

"TELL NOW!"

The eleven year olds snickered.

"I have to go anyways, thanks for the great time Konohamaru. I'll visit you sometime soon, okay?" she said sweetly.

"I had fun too. I'll see you around Kami." Konohamaru replied, despite the fact that Naruto still had a firm grip on his shoulders.

She smiled softly and did something that was totally un-Charli-ish. She turned Konohamaru's face towards her and gave him a quick peck on the lips. After all, it was the least she could do to thank him for helping to give the Akatsuki some wanted information. "I'll see you soon," she said and began to walk towards the big red building where she'd meet back up with Konan.

Naruto, forgetting his previous quest, looked from Konohamaru to Charli, his mouth agape.

Konohamaru had a stupid _durrr_ look plastered to his face.

Naruto huffed and straightened up. "You suck."

Konohamaru suddenly smiled broadly. "Hey Naruto, I just realized that I kissed a girl before you did."

He cracked his knuckles and glared at the blue scarf-wearing jackass.

Stroking his bare chin like an old man would stroke his beard, Konohamaru added, "Technically, you're gay since the only person you kissed was Sasu—"

"—Konohamaru!" Naruto yelled and made a grab for the little kid so that he may shake him violently.

Konohamaru took that as his cue to run away…very fast…

xXx

Konan was extremely thankful that she was finally away from Charli, who took her patience, doused it in alcohol, and set it on fire. As a reward for sticking with the four-foot menace, she decided to stop at a small restaurant for some Dango. Thankful for both the cool, dark atmosphere of the place, and for the food itself (once she had ordered it), she sat down and relaxed slightly.

"Yo."

Konan flicked her eyes toward the speaker. It hadn't been directed at her, but her ears were tuned to eavesdropping even when it wasn't necessary.

"Hey Kakashi."

If Konan wasn't mistaken, that voice belonged to the Hokage. She heard a sigh from the copy-nin. "You really shouldn't be drinking, Tsunade-sama. Weren't you just complaining yesterday about how you had a week's-worth of paperwork due in two days?"

"Go to hell." Her voice slurred slightly. She was already drunk this early in the day. "Reading Icha Icha, I see."

"Aren't I always?"

"You're not making it easy to spark up a conversation…."

"Sometimes you have to leave it to the conversations to spark themselves," Kakashi said with age-old wisdom (secretly learned from the seductress in the third issue of his books).

A long, muggy silence followed that kept the Akatsuki member perfectly still as to not miss a single word of what might turn into a very information-filled conversation.

"Kakashi…" Tsunade began, and Konan heard her empty glass strike the table. "What are we going to do about…?"

"We have ANBU working on it," he said hastily, lowering his voice. Konan had to strain her ears to hear it. "There's not much else we can do. They left no clues, no ransom notes, nothing. The only thing we can assume is that the Akatsuki came and took them back."

"Did you send anyone to their house, to check?" In her drunken thought process, she didn't realize the slight stupidity of her suggestion.

"No, since we thought it was possible the Akatsuki might be there," Kakashi said logically.

"Yeah, that would be a problem," she mused after a moment of thought.

"What if it was someone else?"

"Who else could it be?"

"I've been thinking it might be Sasuke. Think about it, the girls have information on Itachi. If he got wind of their existence, he would consider them an invaluable resource."

Tsunade was silent for a moment. "His methods of extracting information would be extremely brutal. They would crack."

Kakashi 'hm'd' in agreement.

"What can we do?"

"Well, we do have ANBU on it…." he repeated.

"Oh. Right." This time, even in her drunken stupor, she realized the idiocy of her question. "Maybe I should work on my paperwork more."

"I think that's a good idea."

The Hokage left almost immediately, and Konan had full intentions to wait until Kakashi had followed suit before she even moved from her seat. But after a half hour, he was still absently playing with his hair, and she didn't think he had even turned the page in his porn. Although she would give up the opportunity to trail him, if she stayed any longer it would be suspicious.

She quickly paid her check and walked hastily across the room. "Yo."

This time it _was_ directed at her.

She swiveled around and saw Kakashi walking over to her, sans Icha Icha. "Hi," Konan replied. It wasn't rude, but it wasn't polite. She tried to tune her tone to sound impatient.

"Hear any interesting gossip lately?"

Crap. He knew she was eavesdropping. "More worthless crap I'm never gonna use. But I don't make a habit of gossiping, so goodbye."

He reached out to catch her wrist, and faster than even an elite jounin could, she drew away and had a kunai at his neck. Realizing what her trained reflex had caused her to give away, she hurriedly pulled her hand back, but it was only stopped by Kakashi's strong grip.

Konan was fast, but lacked in strength. The hand he had a grip on was the one she usually wore her Akatsuki ring on. And on that finger was a very unique-looking tan-line that would give her away in an instant, she was sure. The only thing left to do was to tap in to her inner girl and distract him.

She twisted her arm around in Kakashi's glance, so she was behind him, and draped her other arm around his shoulder. "Your name's Kakashi…right?"

He blinked. "Yeah."

She let her fingers trail up to his face and touch the rim of his mask. His hand was there in an instant, bringing her own back down. She giggled. "You're pretty mysterious with that mask on…what's underneath?"

"My face." Kakashi was an extremely patient man, but one of his pet peeves was being asked about his mask.

She giggled as if he had said something funny, and looked down. He had both of her wrists in his hands. Konan quickly weighed her options, wondering how she could get out of this with her identity concealed. She knew Pein wouldn't want her taking unnecessary risks that would risk jeopardize an already complete mission, and she felt she had already gone too far. It was probably best to get out while she still could. She stood up on her tip-toes, as she was facing him, and gave him a small peck on the cloth that separated her lips from his.

He raised an eyebrow at her innocent face, and she glanced back down at her wrists imploringly. He followed her gaze and hesitantly released them.

"Sorry, but I'm not interested in you," he said flatly.

Konan suddenly looked embarrassed, lowering her head a little bit so she was looking at him through her eyelashes. "I'm sorry if I'm a bit too direct with this kind of thing, I'm just like that…."

In her head she celebrated, seeing as she had successfully detached herself without getting in too much trouble. She felt a little ashamed that the blush rising in her cheeks was genuine, but it helped add to the effect, so it didn't really matter. She was just irritated that she had gotten into such a position that she had to stoop to acting like such a…floozy. "I'm Shikyo. It's very nice to meet you, Kakashi-san. I have to leave now."

"Nn."

She casually walked out of the bar, making sure she didn't look rushed. Pein was going to kill her.

XxX

Konan jerked her head as she left the bar, trying to shake off that dirty feeling she got after _flirting_ with people. She tended to make a fool of herself, and considering the situation, the extra stress surely hadn't helped. She tried not to dwell on it as she made her way back to meet Charli. Instead, she replayed the information she had learned at the bar. Sasuke had probably taken the girls…Interesting. She wondered how Pein would want to deal with it.

Seeing the large red building in front of her, she snapped out of her trance and quickened her pace. Konan tried to pick out Charli's ashy blonde head from the crowd of people milling about in front. She spotted something else that disturbed her, though. Kakashi had apparently taken a shortcut after she left the bar and had now headed her off to meet the Hokage, who was still milling about in front of her office attempting to avoid paperwork.

Konan darted under the shade of an awning, pretending to survey the various potted plants for sale. While she watched the two have their second meeting that afternoon, she became more and more disturbed. Tsunade seemed to be recovering her sobriety, and nodded with concern while Kakashi talked. To make matters worse, the Kyuubi showed up and barged in on their conversation. Kakashi tried to dismiss him but Naruto pushed on and started giving Tsunade more information that made her face contort into a distressed frown.

Across the street, between her and Kakashi and Naruto and Tsunade, Charli emerged from an intersecting path. Konan swore under her breath, realizing too late that neither of them had been as sneaky as they had hoped. She darted into a crowed of passing pedestrians and attempted to use them as a shield as she made her way over to Charli, and dangerously closer to her enemies.

"Hey, Kami!"

A boy with a ridiculously long blue scarf followed Charli from the path, causing her to turn around. Unfortunately, this also caught the attention of Tsunade and Kakashi.

"Konohamaru!" Tsunade yelled to him.

Konan gave up on stealth and dashed over to Charli. Yelling broke out from the Hokage, as Kakashi alerted several other ninja, and he and Naruto started towards them.

"Charli!" Konan shouted. Charli turned and ran towards her, leaving Konohamaru looking confused.

"What happened?" the girl panted irritably while trying to keep up with Konan.

Konan glanced back, and seeing the other ninja gaining on them, picked Charli up and slung her over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Charli screamed.

"Shut up!" Konan hissed. Now all the other villagers were watching them, and the street had turned chaotic. "I think we've both been discovered."

"Yeah, really!"

"Well, you asked!" She veered off and hopped over the wall, into the bushes. "Hidan set up some traps over here so we could get away if anything went wrong," she explained.

"I see, so they were expecting you to fail from the beginning!" the little blonde twerp snapped, no longer indulging in the innocent little kiddie act.

"Hey, I'm not the only one who got caught!"

"So you admit you failed?"

Konan gritted her teeth in annoyance. She flung Charli onto the ground, along with the paper with the jutsu symbols on it, and clasped her hands together.

xXx

"So that's the deal. Either you tell me about the Akatsuki within the next twenty-four hours, or I kill your friends."

Leah stared at the ground in silence. Sasuke had just finished explaining his grave ultimatum. The interrogation hadn't been going well for him, as the three of them had made sure of. After all, they were so spiteful towards him in the first place for just being an all around hateful character. Given a chance to deny him what he wanted was tremendously satisfying.

After a while Sasuke had given up on group interrogations, since they girls only encouraged each other with playful sarcasm when they fabricated their answers to him. He had then switched tactics to individual interrogations. These hadn't gone well either. Claire and Eva made up completely ridiculous stories, no matter how much he glared. He had pegged Leah from the start to be the weak link in their chain of secrecy. From his observations, she didn't like to lie to people or be mean to them, even if she disliked them. He had overheard her telling the other two about a situation like this involving a person named "Alfred". However this didn't concern him. What did was the possibility of getting information from the timid girl.

No such luck. She was nearly as stubborn as the other two. All her responses to his endless inquiries were "Greg and his hotness forbid me to tell you". Obviously, this didn't get him very far. Once he had nearly lost his temper and ventured to ask her why she was so insistent on lying to him.

She had said: "One, I don't like you. Two, Eva and Claire would cuss me out. Three, the Akatsuki would kill me. And four, Greg and his hotness forbid me to tell you."

It had been highly frustrating. The worst part of it was that he couldn't even use the most mundane, archaic technique of torture. He wanted to; oh, did he want to…But these three girls were not trained ninja. They had no background on resisted torture (although they managed to resist interrogation fairly well). If he inflicted any physical harm on them, they would break down immediately. And not in the good way, where the person immediately started spewing all their secrets and begging the torturer to stop. They would quite possibly have nervous breakdowns and turn chronic, a state more useless than their current one.

Thus, he had retreated back to a different tactic. Mental torture. He had not given up on Leah yet, for she was the candidate for this procedure. The only candidate. His plan, which he had just relayed to the girl after formulating it all night, consisted of a deadline of twenty-four hours from now for her to give him information. If she didn't, her friends would be killed.

To eliminate their barrier-like influence on Leah's conscience, he had told Suigetsu that if Leah didn't tell him what he wanted to know in the next hour, he should take Eva and Claire away. Back to Konoha, specifically. At the moment, he figured the Konoha ninja were more interested in finding the Akatsuki than himself. So even if the girls ratted him out and were believed, there was a small chance that it would be acted on by a large scale. On the even smaller chance that they _did_ act on it, he would be moving the camp anyway. And there was no way in hell Claire and Eva had the skills to track them, even with trained ninjas help.

In his mind, Claire and Eva were already out of the picture. Although he had told Leah he would kill them if she didn't tell him what he wanted to know—which he thought highly unlikely anyway given the circumstances—he really had no intention of doing so. If she didn't give in within the first hour, her friends would be gone, thus increasing her panic, and making it more possible to get _accurate_ information. If this did occur, he would tell her that he had a system set up so he could signal Suigetsu, and he would kill them. This was complete bull.

Sasuke didn't let his satisfaction with his brilliant plan show on his face, but it danced around in his head like a drunk, gay acrobat on a sugar high. Instead he watched Leah impassively, a stern sense of foreboding falsely displaying his emotions. After a few minutes of silence he thought he'd give her an extra prod. "Your friends' lives rest on your decision, Leah."

Leah blinked and Sasuke thought he might have seen a drop of water fall from her now red eyes. She looked up and her face supported this theory, since her eyelashes were sticking together with hanging tears. However, the rest of her face formed a scowl, and when she spoke, she didn't plead mercy as he had hoped. "That was pathetically _Star Wars_-y of you," she smirked. Her smile faded, and she became solemn again after that moment of relapse. "I need to go think for a while," she said.

He nodded and she walked off.

Sasuke scowled. This had been another scenario he had foreseen. Of course he knew she wasn't going to go think, she was going to try to warn her friends. He supposed it was a good thing that he had cast a jutsu on her before their conversation making it so she couldn't speak to Eva or Claire for the next few days. It had been a precaution. And a necessary one, at that.

XxX

"So after all that, they _aren't even in Konoha?!_" Deidara hissed.

"Nope," Charli said. She puffed at a wisp, banishing it from her face. She dismissed it almost as easily as she dismissed Deidara and his frantic concern. For a few seconds she had wondered why he was so distressed, but then she remembered he was obsessed with her sister.

"'_Nope?!'_" he repeated incredulously, "That is not a valid answer! Give me something else you little brat! I have to find Lea—I mean…the girls…" He glanced at the other Akatsuki members, who were watching him suspiciously. "…because they might have information on us…and if someone…er…extracted that information, it would be…um…a problem, un," he covered lamely.

Pein cleared his throat and ignored the distressed blonde. "So the results were overall inconclusive, correct?" he asked Konan.

"Yes. The only thing we know for sure is that they aren't in Konoha. The girls escaped from several ninja and they haven't been recovered," she reported dutifully. "The only other lead we have is Kakashi's speculation that they were taken by—"

"Sasuke," Zetsu finished.

"Considering the girls'…mental capacities, this is a fairly logical conclusion. The three of them would not be able to escape from trained Konoha ninja—even genins. So they had to have had help, whether they wanted it or not," Itachi added logically.

Pein sat down at the counter and rubbed his temples thoughtfully. After about a minute, he swiveled the chair around to face Konan again. "Itachi makes a reasonable point, but it would still be nice to validate it," he turned back to Konan, "Did you check the perimeter of the city? Or see anything suspicious leading out of it?" he asked.

Konan grimaced a little. "No, we were only outside the main entrance for a little while. Even if there had been any tracks, there were signs that it had rained there recently. Pretty much all signs would have been washed away. Especially if it was the Hebi Group, since they have a Mist nin…"

"Aaah my cousin is such a pest!" Kisame groaned as he stretched his arms across the back of the couch. "I guess I should have killed him when my mom dragged me to that family reunion where he chucked a bowl of potatoe salad at my head."

Kakuzu stared at the shark man, lost in quirky reminiscing. "The _hell?_"

Kisame blinked and jerked his head. "What? Oh sorry…Yeah, that was when I was trying to 'control my anger'. Pfft…what a joke," he grinned, being the oblivious oaf he was.

"…Weren't we talking about something mildly important before Kisame brought up his fuckheaded cousin?" Hidan grumbled.

"_His cousin may have kidnapped Leah, Claire, and Eva,_" Zetsu reminded them.

"I'm going on the mission. I'm gonna kick his ass," Deidara seethed, punching his fist, "…Actually, scratch that, I'm gonna kill the little bastards."

"Sorry D, I think Itachi's got dibs on Sasuke, and I'm getting Suigetsu this time around. You'll have to get your girlfriend's revenge on someone else," Kisame pointed out. Deidara's face turned red.

Almost everyone laughed.

"There's still the problem of finding them," Itachi pointed out to the group, remaining serious.

"Can't you just use your brotherly telepathy or something?" Hidan joked.

Everyone laughed except Charli. Her gaze was directed at the wall behind Kisame's head, apparently still in chiding-stare mode from his off-topic outburst. Her big blue eyes were unfocused under her furrowed, almost invisible blonde eyebrows.

The only one who noticed this, apparently, was Tobi. "Charli…" He reached out to nudge her, perhaps to check if she was still awake. After all, her other family members seemed to have unnatural sleeping habits. Leah slept through anything, Jason didn't sleep at all; Charli should be able to sleep with her eyes open by process of elimination.

Charli snapped up, looking suddenly alert. "I just thought of something," she said. She was smiling in a frighteningly Eva-like way.

"What would that be?" Pein said off-handedly.

"You know that green-blue bat-thing that Leah always has in her room? Greg?"

They all nodded again, wondering where the eleven-year old could be taking this.

"I have a bug in Greg."

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: Leah makes me happy! She just told me I didn't have to do one of the math packets! :3**

**But then I still have to do my physics packet and study for my physics test and do the other math packet and type a bunch of shit for history and study for my history test and do English homework and ASPLODE. D:**

**Leah: Just too be clear about the "bug" thing that Charli mentioned. It's not a creepy-crawly bug…but like a little mini machine thing. Yeah, you probably knew that but just making sure.**

**Claire: Bwahaha…we misled you with the title didn't we? You thought we meant we were starting the pairings, DIDN'T YOU? :)**

**I enjoy evilness.**


	11. Idiot Charades and Candy Mountain

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: OMG! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! SCHOOL! IS! OUT! YAAAAAAAAAY!**

**Okay, spazzing done. Yeah, I'm on a sugar high right now from end of the year party in physics class (where I unfortunately had to sit next to Alfred for two hours) and so I'm really hyper and crazy and I'm poking Claire's spine and I'm freaking out about Anime Expo! WHOOT!**

**Claire: Arrr…I do not feel happy. Summer is always depressing for me because I'm a lumpagous (for those of you who don't speak Weird, that would be "couch potatoe"). I want to get a job and get my driving permit and draw a bunch and finish this fanfiction this summer but I think I'll end up being lazy and failing at life…What else is new?**

**But those are all things that I could actually do if I felt like it and would yield some happiness…Another bad thing is…I just got my braces off…but my orthodontist reminded my mom about my wisdom teeth. Ever since I saw "Awake" I seriously spazz about anything related to surgery. (If you don't know what "Awake" look it up on Wikipedia or something…freaky…)**

**Right, well, I guess I should stop now since someone complained about our author's notes…Sorry… **

Chapter 10:

Leah approached Eva and Claire silently. She figured Sasuke would still be watching her, so she had to be subtle about how she did this. They noticed her as she got closer, but she kept her eyes downcast, trying to appear mad or sad or something so they wouldn't try to talk to her. They had learned from years of experience that leaving her alone was the best way to get her to cool down. But she did want to draw them away from the campsite without capturing Sasuke's attention. So when she got close enough, she bumped into Eva's arm and sort of held it there, dragging it towards her, and then proceeded to pretend to storm off angrily into the forest.

Eva blinked at her arm, then Leah as she walked away, then Claire, then her arm again, and finally back to Claire. Claire blinked at Leah, then Eva's arm, then Leah again, then Eva, then her feet, and then Eva gain.

"Uhh…what just happened?" Claire asked.

"She just…pushed my arm…um…I don't know…" Eva said, nudging her own arms together in a sort of Eva-arm sandwich. She looked retarded, but that was natural of her.

"Did she just run into you in a march of rage or…maybe she wants us to follow her? Discreetly…" Claire whispered secretly.

"Oh yeaaaa—!" Eva squealed with realization. Claire quickly covered her mouth, glancing around. She glared at Eva, and then motioned her to follow as they went to the patch of forest Leah had gone into.

They found her pacing between two trees, looking very unhappy.

"Leah…" Eva said carefully, touching her friend's shoulder once they were clear out of the camp.

Claire didn't hesitate to grab Leah's shoulders, shaking her violently, she said, "What'd chewgtt do? Was he being more of an asstard than usual?"

Leah opened her mouth to tell them what was wrong, but no words came out. She held her hands to her mouth, looking panicked. She tried to talk again, but again, her lips moved but Claire and Eva didn't hear anything.

Eva blinked stupidly.

Claire shook Leah again. "Say something!"

Leah pointed to her mouth and shook her head, signifying that she was unable to talk. Part of her said that she shouldn't even bother with trying to explain the situation anyways, considering that not matter what she did someone was going to get hurt. That part also said that she should just agree to Sasuke's deal, make up some bull shit about Itachi, and her friends and herself would be safe as long as she didn't get caught in a lie. The other part said that she should at least try to warn her friends so maybe they could think of something. She agreed with the latter.

"Oh! Charades! I love charades!" Eva squealed.

Prior to Eva's outburst, Leah didn't know that they were playing charades. She did not like charades and she was one of the worst at it. She cursed herself for not listening to Jason when he tried to teach her sign language, but then remembered that Claire and Eva didn't know sign language either so it wasn't really too much of a loss.

Leah sighed. She decided that she would make a pitiful attempt at trying to tell her friends that Sasuke wanted to murder them through charades. Oh this would be entertaining.

She held up five fingers

Immediately, before Leah could do anything else, Eva started to yell out whatever perverse or bizarre idea came to mind.

XxX

Charli flipped open her laptop, waiting for everything to load up as the Akatsuki members gathered around this strange piece of equipment. They'd all seen the computers before, but they usually just sat there with black screens that eventually turned gray because dust and other airborne annoyances tended to have a magnetic attraction to screens of any type.

Hidan poked the screen. "So what the hell does this thing do?"

Charli flicked her eyes over to him, giving him a 'you're-an-idiot' look. "It's a computer. It does lots of stuff. And right now, it's going to help us find Deidara's girlfriend and Eva and Claire."

Deidara glared at Charli. "She's _not_ my girlfriend, un."

"Of course she isn't," Charli said indifferently.

"So what exactly is this 'bug' of yours suppose to do?" Zetsu asked before Deidara could begin ranting.

Charli clicked on an icon. "I mostly use it to listen in on the girls conversations. It'll receive audio, but it won't dispatch any. So we can hear what they're saying, but they can't hear us. If I'm correct though, which I usually am, the bug I have in Greg also serves as a tracking device and we should be able to pinpoint the coordinates of their location."

Pein narrowed his eyes and glared at the evil blonde girl. "Why didn't you tell us about this 'bug' in the first place? We could have saved valuable time and energy."

Charli shrugged. "I installed this one months ago, I'm not even sure if it still works. Plus, I only remembered about it a few minutes ago."

She clicked on a few more things and a dark green screen came up. On that screen were evenly spaced lines like those on an atlas with latitude and longitude points and everything, except everything was some shade of green. And there were dozens of blinking dots on it. Each dot had a small label on it, saying things like _Jenny's Purse_, _Jason's Watch_, _Rachel's Bracelet_, and numerous others. But most of these where spread out across the greatly enlarged portion of the map and were in the general La Jolla area. Charli clicked a button and zoomed out, getting a view of the entire world map.

Kakuzu leaned on the counter next to Charli, staring at the screen intently. "This won't work, this isn't the same world. We won't be able to tell where they are," he pointed out.

Charli didn't reply at first. Then she pulled up another couple windows on her computer screen, typing in complex equations. Her pale blue eyes darted back and forth across the screen sinisterly. She nodded a couple times, pecking at keys and pulling up more windows. Red, purple, green, and blue lines crisscrossed all over the screen. Suddenly Charli seemed to get the answer to whatever secret problem she held in her head as a couple of the lines traveled straight from one window to the other, intersecting at one same point.

"See this?" she said to Kakuzu, pointing at the now blinking red dot on the computer monitor.

"Yeah…"

"This is the inter-dimensional wormhole that allows you people to travel between dimensions. Image your world as a big piece of paper. Now image our world as another piece of paper. When you put the two papers on top of each other, La Jolla and Konoha overlap," Charli explained. The Akatsuki stared at her, gaping. She scowled at them, mistaking their sheer awe for disbelief. "What? I was trying to explain it so you people could understand it! If you want me to use all the fancy technical terms, I—"

"—Even with this fancy equipment stuff, she should not have been able to figure that out," Deidara muttered.

"And it only took, like…five minutes! Wow, Charli-chan is so smart!" Tobi gushed.

"_Maybe she should take over for Pein,_" Zetsu chuckled darkly.

Pein's temple twitched, but he chose to ignore the giggles coming from his subordinates. Since when did his subordinates _giggle_? "Well, that certainly was…impressive…But it doesn't tell us exactly where the girls are. Weren't you going to check on that 'bug' thing you had?" he inquired.

Charli huffed and lost the blush she had gained when the others had complimented her. Without another word, she closed out the windows and returned to the bug-tracker. She turned up the volume on the computer and clicked the blinking dot labeled _Greg_, which they found out to be hovering at the southernmost border of the Fire Country.

There was a small crackling sound as the bug activated itself, then everything went quiet. Not even a dial tone, just total silence.

"Come on…" Charli urged.

Deidara cracked his knuckles.

Hidan scratched his shoulder.

Small crinkling sounds were made by Konan folding paper.

The bug started to make the hissing sound again.

"I don't think it's working," Tobi mumbled after another minute.

Charli held up her finger to keep their silence. "Give it time, it's trying to relay information. After all, it's just transmitting audio from hundreds of miles away in a different dimension," she added sarcastically.

They waited a little longer.

_Thump, thump, thump, thump_.

Charli smiled. "We have audio!"

"Sounds like more static to me," Hidan scoffed, fingering his rosary absentmindedly.

They waited for another three seconds, only hearing that thumping sound, which everyone (except Hidan) realized was a heartbeat.

"So that's the deal. Either you tell me about the Akatsuki within the next twenty-four hours, or I kill your friends." They heard a young man's voice loud and clear through the speakers.

"HOLY FUCK! Dude! It works!" Hidan shouted, slamming his hands on the table and staring intently at the dot on the screen.

Pein blinked, ignoring Hidan and addressing what they had just heard from the computer speakers. "That is…not good."

"What do you mean 'not good' this is fricken awesome!" Hidan continued. Apparently he was too excited about the technology to really notice what was actually going on.

Kisame glanced at Itachi, seeming mildly concerned. "Is that who I think it is?"

Itachi nodded. "My brother."

"Oh that fucker," Deidara growled, squishing some clay in his fist.

Tobi elbowed Kisame playfully and whispered, "I think Deidara senpai is worried about Leah."

They snickered, staring at Deidara.

"I heard that!" Deidara yelled, pointing accusingly at Tobi. "And I'm more worried about information getting out than I am about the girls, un."

"Of course Deidara senpai," Tobi teased.

"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS! I'm trying to figure out what's what so keep your traps shut and be good little boys and I might take you out for ice cream later," Charli demanded in a patronizing fashion.

They shut up, realizing they need to listen for clues as well.

Tobi raised his hand. "Can I have chocolate ice cream?"

The other Akatsuki members glared at him.

Things went quiet again.

Another crackle, then the young man, which they presumed to be Sasuke, spoke again. "Your friends' lives rest on your decision, Leah."

They kept their silence, although they all secretly thought that Sasuke sounded extremely gay and melodramatic. Honestly, that last line sounded like something that one would hear in a really old, cheesy, horror movie made by a couple of teenagers who filmed the entire thing in their backyard.

"That was pathetically _Star Wars_-y of you," They heard Leah say. She sniffed. "I need to go think for a while."

They heard small rustling noises and constant crackling as the bug moved.

Charli sighed and leaned back in her chair, smiling over her shoulder at the Akatsuki members. "Aren't you all lucky to have me?"

"Uh-huh," Deidara said dully, listening intently to whatever was going on.

Eva's voice soon came over the speaker. "Leah…"

Finally, they heard Claire speak. None of them would admit it, but they were almost relieved that the girls were still alive and together. "What'd chewgtt do? Was he being more of an asstard than usual?"

Hidan tapped on Charli's shoulder. "What's a 'chewgtt'?"

For a second, he thought she was going to ignore him, but she said, "It stands for 'chicken headed emo whore girl transvestite thing'; at least that's what I read in Eva's diary. I'm guessing that's their nickname for Sasuke."

Hidan nodded, accepting this answer as a reasonable one and cracked a bit of a smile at the acronym. The less _serious_ members also seemed a little amused, but it didn't show.

The conversation on the other dimension continued. "Say something!" Claire demanded.

Nothing was said for almost a minute.

"Oh! Charades! I love charades!" Eva squealed.

It was quiet for a few more seconds as they all waited to hear what the issue was.

"Ooh! Oh! I know!"

"Eva, she hasn't done anyth—"

"He ate tacos with you."

They heard Leah sigh, and Claire said, "What the fuck…did you get that from Fairy Odd-Parents?"

Claire sighed, then presumably turned her attention back to Leah. "Okay, five words," Claire confirmed, "First word."

Silence filled the bug, and for a second they thought it had stopped working. Then Eva guessed, "Ass?"

"No dumb-shit, she means Sasuke," Claire hissed sarcastically, "…What, seriously? I got it right?"

Eva and Claire both let out a snicker. "It's kinda funny that we got that," Eva pointed out.

"Nyeh."

A few seconds later, Eva said, "Okay, second word…Sasuke stole my Icha Icha?"

"THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ICHA ICHA!" Claire shouted.

"But—"

"Maybe you should just shut up Eva," Claire muttered blandly, "Okay, I'm not getting Icha Icha…Has nose hair…no? Um…he…hates onions…He's going to throw onions at us? Well what is this?!" She mimicked some unseen action of Leah's.

"He wants to act out page 72 of Icha Icha with you! OWWWWW!" The impact of the punch that Eva received was much more audible than the last one.

"If you mention Icha Icha one more time I'm gonna tie you to Karin," Claire threatened, "She's already done the motion for 'NO' at your Icha Icha mentions! Your pervy porn-starved mind is of no use."

Eva seemed to have remembered something. "Oh yeah, I'm mad at Suigetsu for stealing my porn still. That's probably why I'm being so pervy."

"…Ya think? Dude, I pointed that out about five seconds ago."

"Sorry," Eva said quietly.

Kisame laughed robustly. "The only reason Suigetsu has to steal her porn is 'cuz he doesn't get any."

Deidara snickered but then looked at his blue friend. "And you _do_?"

The fish-man narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me?" It was playfully said, but still defensively serious.

Leader glared at both of them. "Don't start this now. We need to listen."

Charli looked at him. "You're only saying that because you can't empathize with them. You have Konan."

Konan looked appalled, but the rest of the Akatsuki looked at her before bursting into laughter at the plausibility of them sleeping together. Leader simply looked annoyed. "Konan, you've been starting rumors about us having sexual relations as a way to get me to like you, haven't you?"

"What? No!" She exclaimed. "I told you! The notes were _Charli_!"

"Of course, Konan," he said, obviously thinking it was bull-shit.

Leader, of course, got the last word in, and they all went back to listening in on the charades.

"What? _How _long is his—" Eva was cut off as Claire squished her face. "Gmm muu bluh! Merr! Unnunnuhn…"

Despite Claire's best efforts (though she didn't know what cause she was contributing to), they had all known what Eva was going to say, and Deidara had spit out his hot cider all over Tobi when she said it. "What?!" he shrieked. Tobi held up his arms unhappily and they dripped on the sofa. "I'm going to find them _now_, un." The outraged blonde turned and started walking out the room. "And kill that little bitch of a brother of Itachi's…" he added under his breath.

Itachi put out a hand to stop him. "Sit down, Deidara."

Deidara looked at Leader, who glared at him condescendingly, signaling for him to sit down next to Tobi. Grudgingly, he acquiesced, and they continued listening.

"Sasuke strangled you?" Claire guessed.

"Oooh, was it S&M?" Eva asked excitedly.

"_Eva_…" Claire moaned imploringly, "Leah is not a masochist."

Tobi turned to his partner sympathetically and patted him on the back. "Sorry, that must be very disappointing for you, Deidara senpai."

Deidara elbowed him in the stomach.

"Oh! I really know it this time!" Eva squealed. "Sasuke wants you to help him repopulate the Uchiha clan!"

Deidara had foolishly picked up his glass of cider again, and so he was able to spit it out all over Tobi again at this new development, coughing and hacking as he tried to get the fluid out of his lungs. His eyes began to water as Charli patted him on the back. Deidara regained his composure, mostly, and squeaked, "What?!" and then proceeded to have another coughing fit that could be comparable to an old man with respiratory problems in a retirement home.

"Your brother is fucked up!" Hidan accused, glaring at Itachi, but otherwise seemed very amused.

Itachi was un-phased. "I am inclined to think this shows more how Eva is disturbed, rather than my sibling."

xXx

Leah had figured Eva would fail miserably at guessing her charades, but she had placed a bit more faith in Claire. This yielded slightly better results, but still, neither of them had guessed what her frantic gestures meant, no matter how she tried to convey them. Leah was starting to get desperate as the time dragged on, unsure of how long Sasuke would allow her to mope. She was frustrated at her friends' naïveté, seeing as they had grown so comfortable around the Akatsuki and even Sasuke's group that they felt they could get away with anything without consequences. It no longer seemed to be a possibility in their minds that Sasuke would ever consider killing them.

She stopped waving her hands for a moment, letting them fall to her sides. She couldn't talk to her friends for whatever reason, and they weren't taking this seriously enough to get themselves out of trouble. If she didn't tell Sasuke what she wanted to know, they would die. Leah felt tears burning at the corners of her eye and hugged Greg closer to her. She looked up at her friends, frustration etched onto her face, and shook her head violently, walking off in the other direction.

Eva and Claire stood among the trees and watched her go, knowing this time that they weren't meant to follow. Slowly, they turned back to camp.

XxX

Sasuke had waited an hour, and Leah still wasn't back. He didn't bother to seek her out, but instead chose to initiate the second phase of his plans. He found Suigetsu polishing that ridiculously fat and oversized piece of metal he called a sword. Suigetsu looked up when he approached, then turned back to his work with a sigh. "So I'm guessing you want me to limit the idiot count to two," he said with a grim smile.

Sasuke forgot what he was going to say, distracted by the fact that his and Suigetsu's math didn't add up. "Don't you mean one?"

"Leah and Karin. Two."

Sasuke nodded absently. He should have known. "In any case—"

"Actually Leah's not really an idiot, and Karin's more of a whore than an idiot. I guess that makes the idiot count one-half," Suigetsu rambled thoughtfully. After a pause, he added, "No. She's three-fourths of an idiot."

"Are you finished?" Sasuke drawled.

"Mm," Suigetsu closed his eyes. "Yep." He stood up and swung the sword over his shoulder with a grin. "You seriously want to do this?" he asked in a more serious tone.

Sasuke's face was carved from stone. "Be gone in the next half hour." The Uchiha put his hands in his pockets and wandered off into the forest.

xXx

"Hey dorks, pack your bags."

"What do you want Suigetsu?" Claire glared up at him, her fist curled under her chin as she rested her elbow on her knee.

"I just said: pack your bags. You guys are out of here," he snipped at them.

"Really?" Eva exclaimed, "That's so cool! I'll go tell Leah—"

She leapt up to find her friend, hoping the good news would lift her spirits, but Suigetsu caught her arm. "Just you two."

Eva narrowed her eyes unhappily. "Why?"

"You don't need to know. Now get your stuff, or you're leaving it here."

"We aren't leaving without Leah," Claire said.

Suigetsu sighed. "Yeah, actually, you are. Boss's orders. If you refuse…" he twirled the handle of the sword threateningly, "we're gonna have problems."

"We aren't afraid of you." Claire stood up and crossed her arms, she and Eva standing Western-ghost-town-face-off style a couple feet away from their opposing quarry.

"You think you're protecting your friend, but the problems I was referring to weren't directed at you." The girls stared at him, the tension spreading in the air between them like oil on water. "Besides, she doesn't seem to be too happy with you right now anyway." Eva and Claire glanced sideways at each other guiltily. "That's what I thought. Now let's go."

XxX

The crusted dirt and rocks crunched under their feet as they walked. It got in their shoes and caused them to angle their feet without stopping to shift the debris in the desired direction. Eva sighed and mumbled something unintelligible as she trudged on. She and Claire were a couple yards behind Suigetsu as it was, but they were still getting tired since he never let up.

As pissed off as they were at him, they knew they had no way of opposing him. They were worried about Leah, but again, there was nothing they could do. There wasn't much they could do in the ways of consorting against the enemy either. And there was also the chance that any blunders they made might put Leah in more danger than she was already in. She was alone with Sasuke and Karin, who she had already offended, and Juugo, who was meek, but still a ticking time bomb. So Claire and Eva had to stick to methods at which they excelled at: being very, _very_ annoying.

Claire nudged her friend. "Hey Eva…"

Suigetsu glanced over his shoulder momentarily to see the girls whispering to each other and laughing. He frowned and faced the front again. "Keep up! I'm not carrying either one of you," he called back gruffly.

The two of them darted up so they were only a couple paces behind him. They were quiet for another couple minutes, but they still had smiles on their faces.

"Charlie…" Claire sang out.

Suigetsu's eyebrows drew together in confusion. There was no Charlie here…

"Charlieeee!" Eva repeated gleefully.

Suigetsu decided he would pretend the two people following him were not having nervous breakdowns and would continue along the path instead.

"Chaaaarliee! Guess what Charlie?! Chaa-aa-aarlieeee…" the two of them continued obnoxiously.

"Who the hell are you two talking to?! There's no one named Charlie here!" Suigetsu snapped.

"You, Charlie!" Eva said, smiling innocently.

"Yeah, Charlie, you!" Claire said.

Suigetsu stopped walking.

So did Claire.

So did Eva.

"Charlie—"

"I am not Charlie," Suigetsu pointed out stubbornly.

Eva jumped up and down happily as if she had Suigetsu on mute. "Charlie, we're going to Candy Mountain!"

"It's a place of magic and wonder and joy and joyness!" Claire added.

"Seriously, cut it out."

"Come on Charlie, onward to Caaandyyy Mouuunntainn!"

The two of them skipped off ahead of him, arm in arm.

Suigetsu stared after them, thoroughly confused. He broke into a jog to catch up to them.

They were still singing about this "Candy Mountain" place. He gaped at them with a blatant 'what the fuck' look on his face.

"Candy Moun-tain! Candy Moun-tain! La la-la la la-la la!"

"Guys, seriously, what the hell are you doing?"

"Candy Moun-tain! Candy Moun-tain!"

"Stop singing and answer me now."

"A place of wonder and magic and joy!"

"I will injure you both."

"Candy Moun-tain!"

"…Please?"

"Charlie!" They both stopped again and turned to the confused Suigetsu.

"Thank god, some sort of recognition…Now that you've stopped singing—" he grumbled.

"Charlie! Chaarrrliee!"

"No, don't you whores start that again!"

"Charlie! We're going to Candy Mountain, Charlie!"

The skipping resumed.

So did the singing.

"We are going to Konoha!" he yelled at them, "AND MY NAME IS NOT CHARLIE!"

xXx

Leah wandered back to the campsite around sunset. She still hadn't come to a decision, because either way her over-active mind came up with some sort of fatality. Hugging Greg close to her, she somberly tried to seek out her friends. She didn't see them by the fire or near the lake, where they often lurked. When she couldn't find them in either of the tents, she started panicking.

Leah went back to the campsite and found only Juugo and Karin. "Where are my friends?" she asked, thankful that her voice had returned.

"How the hell should I know?" Karin snapped, examining her claw-like nails.

Juugo, his cornrows finally completed and his scalp slightly pink, merely shrugged.

Leah paused. Maybe her friends really had been offended by her stand-offish behavior and were purposefully avoiding her in their own section of foliage refuge. She collapsed glumly by the fireside, staring into its orange amoebic shapes until her eyes burned.

"We seem to be sans a few of our quirkier number tonight," Juugo noted.

Leah looked up to see Sasuke his almost smug face disgustingly illuminated in a fiery glow. She stood up quickly, almost dislodging the fallen tree that served as her chair. "What did you do with them?" she demanded. Juugo and Karin watched with peaked interest.

"I wanted their distracting influence removed. I take it you noticed how I took precautions that made it impossible for you to tell them of your predicament?" he added slyly.

"That was you?" Leah gaped, forgetting her resolution to keep that a secret.

"What kind of friend would you be if you involved your friends in your own problems? They shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of your mistakes, should they Leah? After all, they could easily be saved if you just told me where Itachi is."

"Bastard, what did you do with them?!" Leah yelled.

"I believe I just told you. I had Suigetsu take them away from here, and if you try anything or don't tell me what I want to know before the deadline is up, I've set up a way that I can signal him and he will kill them."

Leah hated him. She hated how he was using her, she hated how he had trapped her, and she really hated how much he seemed to be enjoying it. She couldn't stand it anymore. For the third time that day, she stormed off to go wallow in the company of herself.

"Are you really going to kill her friends?" Karin asked after she had left, sounding almost hopeful.

"No. But I'm letting her think so. He's really just taking them to Konoha, and then we're moving so there's no way they could track us. There's really no need to kill them," he muttered neutrally, pretending that he hadn't enjoyed acting so publicly evil.

"Damn," Karin hissed under her breath.

"You are a terrible person," Juugo told her.

Karin stuck her tongue out at him. "Hey look! She left that hideous…thing…here! Maybe we should burn it."

"Karin," Sasuke said warningly, "Don't." He picked up the gray-green stuffed bat and put it inside the tent.

**Author's Note: **

**Claire: I dunno what else to say really…my teeth hurt…Sorry this chapter took so long…hope we get the next one out sooner, since it's summer after all…Gosh we're such slackers…**

**Leah: I just got into a sorta wrestling match with Jason over a cord for my laptop (mine just broke so I had to take his and he would not give it up without a good fight and calling mom). But I came out victorious and Jason is now crying (downstairs playing World of Warcraft). During our battle, Durham got involved and he quickly took sides with Jason. Claire was here to witness the event, but she did nothing and just added in her authors note -.-**

**Claire: I heard screaming. I was afraid. I thought someone might have brought out a chainsaw or something…-hides in emo corner-**

**Leah: I feel so betrayed…**

**Claire: Hush, or I'll throw pistachios at you.**

**Leah: -hides behind Durham shield-**

**Claire: Although I seriously doubt anyone in the world hasn't seen Charlie the Unicorn, you might have to look that up too for the part with me and Eva and Suigetsu…But that would be very sad and I would shake my head at you…**


	12. Stalker Flies and Dust

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: I didn't write like, any of this chapter and I feel really **_**really**_** guilty since Claire wrote most of it while I was being a lazy bum and goofing off and playing Kingdom Hearts and texting and yeah.  
I don't really have much to say. Jason left for Virginia to visit my dad last week and everything's extremely quiet. It's creepy.  
Eva and Claire came over last night and we got all dressed up in our Death Note cosplays, it was fun (even though due to my mother I cannot attend AnimeExpo after all).  
In other news, random fun-ness will be returning very soon after this rather dull and long chapter )**  
**Also, we have an account on Fictionpress and our user name is "Nairo and Kiyo" put it's mostly poetry up there right now but go check it out. We should be posting stories there shortly. **

**Claire: ZOMG. –explodes-**

**This is like, twice as long as our usual chapters.**

**We could have made it two.**

**But. I am so damn sick of Sasuke and Charli and fancy plotting and MY DAD. I had to go to Sacramento with my dad (who pisses me off to no end) and be at my cousin's house…my cousin is creepy. And my aunt got drunk and took her shirt off and jumped in the pool. Thank god I had my book to use as an eye shield…oo**

**-twitch-**

**And I woke up one morning and had this thing on my ARM that looked like a HICKEY. WHAT THE SHITTTTTT. Alsdkfjskldjfsldjfkldsjokdsjfiosadjfoisdjfiosdjfiodsjfioesajfoiaed –has seizure- I do not see how I could have done that in my sleep…it would have to be a very odd angle and…a bunch of other unrealistic things…I hope it's actually a bruise or something.**

**-twitch twitch-**

**And I lost my tablet pen. Which is really frustrating. Cuz it's gonna take me forever to figure out what one I have to buy, and I don't want to waste my money on a stupid pen! Kasldjfaklsfjaslkdfjdslkfj**

**AND THEN I WROTE THIS. WHICH TOOK FOREVER. AND I WAS NOT MOTIVATED. Basically, I forced myself to write it, and I so can't wait to get to the last part of the story with the Akatsuki and stupid random shit that I sort of rushed through it and wasn't being very funny or interesting and got very repetitive and I didn't feel like editing cuz this is like 19 pages (as opposed to our usual ten-ish…even then I usually don't edit cuz I'm lazy).**

**So sorry…But I thought maybe we'd give you a really long chapter as a reward for waiting so long and still reading and reviewing and being awesome. )**

Chapter 11:

Charli stared at the screen in horror. Then the sound was muted out and all she could hear was the distant crackling of the fire. She dropped her head heavily against the table. It knocked the frustration loose well enough that she decided to do it again a few times. At least Deidara was gone already, that made things easier. He had insisted on leaving immediately after learning the girls' exact location. Pein had insisted Itachi go along to keep him in check, and Hidan claimed he was bored (even though he had already been on a mission earlier that day) so he had also gone.

"Great," she slurred into the wood.

"Where's the phone? We need to call them," Pein grumbled, searching the counter.

"Tobi found it!" Tobi held up a cell phone and waved it happily above his head.

"Isn't that the one they were supposed to take?" Zetsu commented, surveying the phone more closely.

Charli prepared to bang her head on the table again but Pein quickly grabbed her by the hair to stop her. Not out affection, to be sure, but because the sound was causing him to develop his own headache. He also didn't want her to knock her brain loose because then she wouldn't be able to monitor the tracking device. "It's okay," he sighed, "We can just go get them."

"What about the other two imbeciles?"

"It's not as if we're short on people…"

Charli had to admit this was true. They were good for multi-tasking. There was still a hitch though. "How are you going to find Sasuke if he's leaving?"

"If we bring phones, you can track Greg, right?" Konan suggested.

"Hold on a second, I need to think," Charli said, holding up her hand for silence.

Pein felt his temple twitch. "While I appreciate you trying to…help me out, giving instructions and all, Charli," he said, keeping his voice calm though his eyes were narrowed dangerously, "_I_ am the Akatsuki Leader. Not you."

The blonde girl raised an eyebrow at him. "Pardon me…Continue…"

Pein nodded and cleared his throat, turning to his subordinates. "Minus Hidan, Deidara, and Itachi, we have six people. We should split into two groups. The first group will go to Konoha to get Eva and Claire. The second group will find Itachi and the others and inform them of the situation. Then that group will split up again. Three people will track down Sasuke and retrieve Leah, and the other three will perform the usual security measures around the nearest hideout while we get things organized."

"So basically we have to find Deidara, Hidan, and Itachi—and then Itachi's brother or find Eva, Claire, and Kisame's retarded cousin…I don't know which is least appealing…" Kakuzu muttered.

Pein shot him a threatening look. "It doesn't really matter since you aren't going to be choosing anyway. You, Kisame, and Tobi will go to Konoha. I don't suppose I need to remind you to be very careful. Even more than usual. After today, they've surely tightened security. You'll need to disguise yourselves very well, since all three of you are rather…distinguishable." The Akatsuki leader's face took on a slight aura of concern as he surveyed Tobi and Kakuzu, with their overly conspicuous headgear, and Kisame, with his blue skin.

"Right, well," Charli muttered, "as far as communication goes, since you're having so many different groups you probably shouldn't use phones. It'll get too complicated." She picked up her computer bag from the chair next to her and started rummaging around inside. The Akatsuki members had to avert their eyes to keep from laughing. It was pretty funny to see an 11-year old girl digging through a giant black bag so seriously, but mostly because the bag swallowed up all of her arms and head.

Finally, she emerged, and with her she brought a small plastic box containing several tan blobs, and one black headset. She put the headset on herself and flipped open the clear lid and pried one of the blobs from its black foam cubby. "These earpieces allow reciprocal communication between each other, and my headset," she explained. There was a second of silence, then Tobi tentatively raised his hand. Charli sighed impatiently. "That means I can talk to you, and you can talk to me and everyone else. It's a shared frequency, so if I calibrate them all correctly, we should have a simpler way to communicate." Tobi put his hand down.

Pein frowned slightly as Charli handed him an earpiece. Ever since a few months ago, his evil-doing career had been all but snuffed out, and he had a feeling that the general ninja skills of he and his colleagues had declined greatly. His grimaced deepened, but he had no choice but to wedge the small lump of plastic uncomfortably into his ear and take instructions from a very small girl with a ridiculously high IQ.

XxX

It was around sunset. Despite the fact that it was winter, the Fire Country remained true to its name and the warm air felt like a blaze against their shoulders and arms. Their feet were starting to squeak in their shoes from sweat rubbing against them, and the girls especially were starting to get tired. After all, they had walked several miles pretty much nonstop.

The orange glaze cast a sickly glow on everything in sight, looking and feeling like honey had slimed the entire landscape. Suigetsu weakly swatted at a fly buzzing around his head with his hand. Perhaps being more water-inclined, he too was suffering in the heat. His grip had loosened on the massive sword over his shoulder, and he had let the handle slip into the crick of his neck so he wouldn't have to support it as much. It had pretty much the opposite effect, since it kept leaning backwards, making him adjust it every thirty seconds or so.

"Tch…go away ya damn fly," he mumbled, hitting it again with his hand. The persistent bug, like all other bugs, simply buzzed back into place.

"What's wrong?" Eva asked innocently, wondering if perhaps Suigetsu had been struck with Tourettes all of a sudden.

"Fucking fly won't leave me alone," he grunted in reply, still fighting with the creature.

Claire grinned. "Sucks for you. Usually they follow me. Then again that could be my blood…because they usually turn out to be mosquitoes…" Her taunt had taken a bit of a turn, causing her to scratch her arm absently at the memory of family vacations to Hawaii or Yosemite, where she was constantly eaten alive. Not enjoyable.

Suigetsu stuck it out a few more minutes, trying to dry himself off with his shirt so the fly wouldn't be tempted. His efforts were to no avail. He still had to whack at the stupid thing, and apparently he kept missing, since it kept buzzing.

"Aarrrrrrg!" he yelled in frustration, dashing ahead of the girls about ten yards.

Eva and Claire glanced at each other, but obligingly trotted to catch up with him. He kept twitching around, under the illusion that he was still being pursued. But after a minute or so (during which time the girls had actually edged a few feet away from him to avoid his violent jerking) he seemed confident.

"Ha ha!" he smirked, "Goddamn insect can't even keep up with a little—NO YOU STUPID FUCKER, DAMMIT!"

"I think it's in love with you, Suigetsu…" Claire said, looking amused and falsely empathetic.

Eva giggled. "At the very least you have a stalker."

Suigetsu wasn't listening. "Fucking—Gah! Get the hell away!"

Without warning he stopped walking, grabbed the handle of his sword with both hands, and lunged at the tiny black dot. Claire and Eva got out of the way just barely in time, and retreated to the far side of the path behind a tree. Suigetsu swung blindly around himself, taking clumsy steps backward only to slice through the air of the space he had occupied seconds before. His swings got so wild that he notched up the caked dirt in a few places and flung it into the air, even chopping a few of those into smaller dirt chunks instead of his buggy target.

As his attempt to butcher the insect led him indirectly closer to the edge of the path, Eva and Claire could start to predict what would happen. It surely did. A few near misses, and then a very heavy _**thud**_. The splintering cracking sounds told the girls they could open their eyes, and they saw their white-haired guide watch, a little abashedly, as the oak he had struck split open where his sword stuck in the trunk and fall to the ground.

A moment of stunned silence followed, then, hesitantly, Suigetsu crept forward to de-wedge the tree and survey the wreck. He peered closer at the spines and spikes of the wood, and, surprised, he stood up. "Hey, I actually got it!"

"Eva…?"

"What?"

"Do you think we're almost there?"

"I kinda hope so…"

xXx

It was not hard to find Deidara, Itachi, and Hidan.

_"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU STUPID IMMORTAL BASTARD!" Deidara yelled as he crashed through the trees after Hidan, who had taken off seconds before laughing at his companion's misery. _

_"C'mon Deidara, it was a joke! Take it like a _man_," Hidan called over his shoulder, nearly tripping over a branch as he was struck by a fresh snort of laughter. _

_"FUCK YOU!" _

_He was already forming some sort of clay bringer-of-death—a bit awkwardly, running as he was—and would not have stopped until he had blown the silver head in front of him into a billion pieces. And then stomped said pieces securely into the dirt. But yes, he would not have stopped unless he had been brought to an abrupt stop by a hand clamped roughly around his neck. The force put him horizontally off balance, his feet getting ahead of the rest of him and, therefore bringing him in contact with the ground in that way. Hidan's frantic (yet giddy) flight was put to an end in a similar way. And of course both of them were proceeding Juugo's fall from hours earlier._

_Hidan sat up and rubbed his neck gingerly, still grinning from his previous accomplishment of pissing of Deidara to the point of getting himself blown to smithereens, if not killed. "Geez Itachi, what took you so long? Didja have to straighten your ponytail or something?" he wondered rather un-innocently, being the only one in the group who did not have a ponytail himself. _

_Itachi did not answer, and as usual, simply offered chastisement. "You're being too loud." He walked around his fallen comrades and continued on his mission. _

_Deidara had forgotten his rage, as it was replaced by pure astonishment at how laid-back Itachi could be. "Itachi, do you _enjoy_ being such a boring person?" he asked while dusting himself off. _

_Itachi glanced over his shoulder briefly, without stopping, then turned back, the tiniest of possible smiles perking up the corners of his mouth. "Yes."_

_Hidan and Deidara both stopped in their tracks, even offering each other a bewildered glance. Not so much at the answer, but at the fact that Itachi had given an answer._

In the end, Pein and Konan hadn't needed to rely on Zetsu's tracking skills, or their own less potent ones. They simply followed the half-fallen trees and signs of intense and careless, thrashing chase.

"Konan, please remind me why I ever let Deidara go on this mission…at all…" Pein asked as he pinched the rare un-pierced space on the bridge of his nose.

"I honestly have no idea, Sir. But then again, you're the boss, not me," Konan offered a little less than respectfully.

The three of them heard quiet giggling in their ears from Charli's end of the line.

"It's not my fault Hidan's such a dickwad…" Deidara grumbled. His arms were crossed and he looked a bit like a toddler that had been caught stealing from the cookie jar.

"It is your fault you lack self control," Pein snapped, realizing a second later that he had cheesily mimicked Itachi. "Which reminds me, Itachi, what were doing that prohibited you from stopping their nonsense?"

"I was straightening my ponytail," Itachi replied with absolutely no trace of humor in his voice. Nonetheless, Hidan and Deidara immediately started laughing.

Pein gave them a curious look, but decided he didn't want to deal with everyone's ridiculous excuses today. They did have more important things to do after all. "Right…Well, the reason we came after you…" He paused, remembering the _real_ reason was these three had forgotten to bring their damn phone…Best to ignore this too. "The reason we had to come here…there's been a change of plans."

"_More like we've been tricked by Itachi's brother_," Zetsu commented less-than-helpfully. Itachi raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

Pein wondered what he'd done to undermine himself so. "Yes, well. The point is, they're going to be moving—with Leah. Eva and Claire are on their way back to Konoha. Kakuzu, Tobi, and Kisame are taking care of that. Just to simplify things, we should meet up at one of our old hideouts before all of us go back. So the six of us should split up again. One group will go to the hideout, and one group will go—"

"I'll be in the second group," Deidara volunteered, raising his hand. Hidan chuckled quietly and Deidara punched him in the stomach.

"Ow! Hey—"

"_SHUT. UP,_" Pein hissed, glaring at them with rigid irritation, "Neither of you are going. I want you far away from any place it needs to be _silent. _Konan will go with you back to the hideout."

"Hold on a second—"

"Deidara, if you don't start following my orders I'm going to castrate you!"

The blonde was silenced. Pein gave himself a mental pat on the back while maintaining a dangerous and commanding facial expression. "That goes for the rest of you too—except Konan."—Konan nodded understandingly at this—"I'm sick of all this recent disobedience. You all have gotten lazy and stupid."

He took their grim silence as comprehension, though he still felt mildly as if he was scolding a bunch of 6 year-olds. He shook off the feeling and chose to dismiss them before his recent respectability was lost.

Pein had hoped for some silence for a while (seeing as Itachi and Zetsu were practically mute) so his headache would have a chance to dissipate, but before they had traveled thirty feet, a new nuisance buzzed loudly in his ear.

"Nice speech back there leader, good way to command your crew. Now you're gonna want to head South now, because your bearing is—"

"Charli!" he all but shouted to silence the small peppy girl, though she was a dimension away from him—and then some. "Now that I'm back in my own dimension," he continued a bit more calmly, "I would like to hone my skills without the help of your fancy technology. If you don't mind…"

Charli coughed an awkward little cough. "Of course. Carry on. You know what to do if you need me."

XxX

Suigetsu stopped walking for the first time since the fly incident. The girls followed suit a few seconds after, their ears unconsciously registering the lack of a third pair of footsteps rather than their weary eyes having to view the evacuated space to their left. They both turned to look at him, slightly fearful for what cataclysmic event was due to follow. He had closed his eyes and his brow was furrowed slightly in concentration. And he appeared to be…sniffing…the air…or something.

"Eva, what's he smelling…? You know my sinuses are always being retarded…"

"I don't smell anything," Eva shrugged.

"It's chakra…" Suigetsu muttered in slight annoyance, since he would prefer silence to the distracting chatter he was getting. "A lot more than there usually is around Konoha." His frown deepened as he tuned his senses further to the distant chakra vibes. "Something must have happened to freak them out."

The girls looked at each other, each with a very small hunch that neither of them dared to voice. Suigetsu opened his eyes and sighed. "Looks like I can't go any further. You dudes are on your own. So…later." He leaned back on his heel and pivoted around.

"Wait a minute, you're seriously just _leaving_?" Eva asked.

Suigetsu stopped. "Yes…Why…?"

Eva shuffled her feet. "You aren't even going to say goodbye? Who does that?"

"You kidding? We kidnapped you…now we're letting you go…and you should be glad to be rid of us. Me, specifically."

"But it was rather hilarious watching you try to chop up that fly," Claire pointed out.

She received a scowl. "Yeah, so I'm leaving then."

"Can't I at least have a hug? You are one of my favorite char—I mean…It was cool meeting you, even if it was under odd circumstances," Eva said, blushing slightly.

_You just like talking to someone else about porn,_ Claire thought dully.

Suigetsu was just staring at her, totally confused. He was, apparently, still trying to figure out if the girl was serious. "Huh…" he grunted almost involuntarily.

Eva squealed, unfortunately misconstruing Suigetsu's verbal materialization of his mental struggle as a shy 'yes'. She leapt forward and squashed him like a giant teddy bear, somehow managing to avoid getting dismembered by his sword as he was forced to drop it. "Um…" he mumbled, his voice only slightly inhibited from Eva's grasp.

"Okay, okay," Eva said. She let her hands drop and swung them around behind her back, rocking on her feet innocently.

Suigetsu looked a little dumbstruck, he rubbed the back of his neck and picked up his sword. "If that's all, may I leave now?" he grumbled.

"Please…this is getting awkward enough…thank you Eva…" Claire whispered to herself, rolling her eyes.

"Bye," Eva said, seeming not to have heard Claire.

"Yeah…Bye then."

Somehow this was made more awkward than it would have been if Eva hadn't said anything. Claire told her this after he was out of earshot.

Eva grinned slyly. "Yeah, I guess…but how often will you get to hug one of your favorite characters from a show when they really shouldn't exist?"

"Suigetsu's not exactly huggable. You just proved that, if anything."

"Hmm. Well I did have another motive…" Eva finally moved her hands back in front of her.

Claire assumed an 'I really should have known' expression. Hugging Suigetsu seemed to have been a mildly suicidal goal, that she assumed even Eva might not attempt. Unless she had something to gain. Or regain, rather. "Just put the sword in your bag…I don't want to deal with your squealing for the rest of the walk back," Claire huffed, already slumping towards the Konoha gates as her friend hugged the deadly piece of metal before catching up.

xXx

"It still looks like a cliff," Hidan said.

"Yes it does," Konan agreed, looking up at said natural landmark.

"Are you sure it was 'pig, horse, sheep, fire'?" Deidara asked.

"I am."

Hidan walked over to the jagged tan rock, tapping his fist in certain spots to check if it was hollow. "We do have a lot of fucking hideouts…I wish Pein wouldn't make us move so damn much, especially since we have to have a new fucking jutsu password thing every time…"

"I think it was 'pig, horse, _tiger_, fire', un."

"It's not tiger, you're thinking of the one that's over by the forest with all those dead trees…"

"No, I think it's this one because I remember there's this blood spot somewhere on the wall…Remember? Because Kakuzu got pissed at that random guy and threw him against the cliff wall and his head started bleeding? Before he actually killed him, that is…Cuz they all bleed when he kills them." Deidara trailed off while Konan and Hidan gave him skeptical looks. He noticed this and snapped back into attention. "Anyway, I always thought it looked like a tiger, and that's why I remember, un."

"That spot was over by the goddamn dead forest Deidara! The reason Kakuzu killed that guy was because the forest was dead and there wasn't as much tree cover, so he spotted him! Pein made Kisame chop off that piece of the rock anyway because it was conspicuous!"

"Oh yeah…Well then maybe the incantation's wrong…"

Hidan kicked a small pile of rocks at Deidara's feet (which actually didn't go that far since they were big and he hadn't kicked hard, but still caused the blonde to scowl) "Shit, Deidara, shut up! The incantation isn't wrong! Let the woman work…"

"Thank you Hidan…I think…" Konan said, frowning at the rock.

"If I may…" Charli cut in for the first time since Pein had told her to put a sock in it.

Konan held a finger to the device in her ear since it had come a bit loose. "Yeah Charli, what is it?" she asked patiently.

"Not that I'm trying to…weaken your ninja skills or anything," she drawled suggestively, even though she had put Pein and Zetsu on a different channel from Konan so as not to provide unnecessary noise, "But I think you may be in the wrong spot. There's a big region of what looks like magnetic interference on my map about forty meters to the right of where you are."

Konan looked down the long-dried out riverbed. She suddenly realized that, yes, she was standing a bit too far to the left of the chakra concentration she felt. She walked passed Deidara and Hidan to stand in the middle, tried the incantation again, and sighed as the entrance rumbled and appeared.

"Thanks Charli," she said jadedly, "We haven't been to this hideout in a while since it's so close to Konoha…"

"No problem," Charli squeaked happily, cutting the feed.

"Huh," Deidara said as he and Hidan ambled over, "Guess it wasn't tiger after all…"

The other two ignored him and walked inside the dark hideout. Konan lit some lamps on the side, and tried to brush of some of the dust. It coated the outer surface of the lamp pretty thickly, and when she finally managed to get it off, the light still barely seeped through the glass. Deidara sealed the entrance and the three of them went around lighting the rest of the place.

"How long exactly _has_ it been since we've been here?" Deidara asked, tossing a few bombs the size of grains of rice into some lamps, and detonating them to light the wicks.

"Don't do that," Konan said, noting his unorthodox practice, "I think it's been at least two years."

They heard a _thunk_ from behind them. An enormous cloud of dust had risen when Hidan had run into it, and he coughed and tried to fan it away with his hands. "Fuck…fucking…Oh goddammit Kisame! Left this giant fucking box of sword wrappings in the middle of the room."

"Ha…I can't believe you're whining about running into a giant box of toilet paper…the whole box probably weighs, what, 10 pounds, at the most, un?"

A giant gray oval sailed through the air a few seconds later and hit Deidara in the head, raising another could of dust. The object fell to the ground with a heavy thud and another large puff of dust.

"Yeah, I can tell how fucking light it is by how it _didn't bounce_," Hidan sneered.

"Damn, for the first time ever I wish Tobi was here, cuz that would mean Claire would be too and you'd have someone else to PMS at!"

"The only good reason to have that bitch here would be to clean this mess up! You just want your girlfriend back so you can—"

"Dear god what did you two have for breakfast this morning? Bitchy-Os? Shut the hell up or I'm reporting you to Leader! And we aren't waiting for everyone else to get here to clean this up, you're going to do it."

"Hey, good idea! I bet Itachi has some sort of maid outfit or something—you know the quite ones always like that shit—We can get Deidara a little feather duster and he'll be all set!" Hidan mocked, making his way to the closet.

Konan shook her head and patted off a section of the couch to sit down on. "I don't know about the maid outfit, but if either one of you wants to wear it, be my guest. I'm not promising I won't take pictures though."

"With this mess you won't have time for pictures, un," Deidara muttered. He foolishly blew across the nearest table, ending up with a face-full of dirt when it was launched into the air.

Konan smirked a bit as she put her hands leisurely behind her head. "I'll have plenty of time. You and Zombie-boy over there are doing all the work. I'm not doing anything."

The other two gaped at her. "Tell me Kakuzu just walked in because not only can I not believe she just referred to me as 'Zombie-boy', but that she just handed half this job to me," Hidan said.

"Nope," Konan replied smugly, "I. Outrank. You. Therefore, I get to give the orders. Get to work boys."

XxX

"Tsunade-sama!"

"Sakura…what is it?" Tsunade asked, concern heavily evident in her voice at her pupil's discontent.

"Well…" Sakura hesitated.

"Tell me already! If you're this worked up it's obviously important!" Tsunade shouted, locking her elbows as she stood up and leaned against her desk in anticipation.

Sakura blinked and glanced to the side guiltily before straightening herself to face the Hokage. "Two of the girls we believed to be associated with the Akatsuki have reappeared."

"What?! They—wait…two?"

Sakura nodded.

xXx

"So…long time no see…looks like you beefed up the security in this place," Claire remarked absently as she and Eva were escorted into the Hokage's office by four ANBU members (one of whom had confiscated her only recently liberated sword, thus her slightly tearful appearance).

None of them offered any response except to thrust them a little less than gently into the Hokage's office. She looked just as they had remembered…frustrated, tired, and furious, surrounded by a set of papers, and ready to stand up, both palms firmly on the desk to yell threateningly at them when they pissed her off. Which they would. Inevitably. No one in the room doubted it.

"Where is Leah?" Tsunade's starting question was finally delivered, after a few minutes of silence to build the tension.

"For all we know, she could be in this room. No one's wearing name tags today."

"Glad to see your delusions haven't fully deserted you, Claire."

"Glad to see you haven't fully developed a sense of humor, Tsunade."

Tsunade chose to be un-riled. "Eva."

Eva had fully regressed into pouty toddler mode. She said something unintelligible while glaring at the floor.

"What was that?" Tsunade prodded.

"I'm not telling you anything because your cronies stole my sword!" Eva nearly yelled. She turned from Tsunade to Unnamed ANBU member #3, who shuffled his feet subtly so he could inconspicuously shift away from her while keeping his gaze dutifully forward and the sword in his hand farthest from her.

"Fine. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised how you girls don't care about your friend," Tsunade remarked viciously, "After all, you show no concern for the fact that you are aiding the Akatsuki, a dangerous bunch of murderers."

Eva and Claire were getting genuinely pissed off now, how Tsunade was insulting them and suggesting that they betray their friends for people who hadn't even bothered to lower their hostility from the beginning. Now she was suggesting that they didn't even care for their innocent friend, who they had no business incarcerating and therefore shouldn't bother asking about. Their only reason to want to help Leah be free of Sasuke would be for the selfish reason of gaining information.

Tsunade ended the interrogation for the night. This was a huge relief to both of them, whose tempers were short due to how tired they were. The relief was short-lived as they were reminded, being steered into the hallway to face Sakura and Sai, that they were still captive of Konoha, and would have to stay in this place where almost everyone seemed to hold a grudge against them.

For whatever reason, the grudge was heightened by their recent abduction. Maybe people had started harboring the notion that their departure hadn't been without consent. Now people were under the impression that the girls were also in league with Sasuke. Truly a mark of a village scarred by past conspiracies. Though it was a bit ridiculous to be taking it out on three teens from another dimension that obviously lacked any destructive skills. Maybe they were also indulging in the Suspect-the-Least-Suspicious Complex.

Claire and Eva were split up again, Claire going with Sakura and Eva with Sai. No one said anything. The girls could have asked about Naruto's absence, but it was really pretty obvious that their return was undisclosed to him to keep all hell from being raised. So they made the trek to their residences in grim silence.

XxX

"Damn, they weren't kidding about security being tightened up around this place," Kisame growled to the other two as he picked up the chakra signatures of over forty jounin level or higher ninjas roaming around the first main street of Konoha.

"We should just kill everyone," Kakuzu hissed in annoyance, "This is gonna be so much work."

"Don't be ridiculous, we can't possibly take out all of them—including civilians, because we don't want witnesses, God forbid—with just the two of us. My ego isn't _that_ big that I can forget that."

"Um, what about Tobi, Kisame-sama? Wouldn't that make it three of us?" Tobi piped up nervously.

Kakuzu and Kisame both looked at him skeptically.

"Right…Well…even with, er, _three_ of us," Kisame hesitated before adding one to his previous statement's number, "It isn't a good idea."

Kakuzu gave Kisame a 'Nice cover, dumbass' look that he figured Tobi was too incompetent to pick up. Whether or not this was true, Tobi continued to appear perky and unperturbed across from them.

"We need a good plan…disguises aren't going to be enough," Kakuzu sighed, his eerie green eyes mere slits as he trained them on the ground, concentrating.

Breaking the silence came static through their earpieces, vaguely recognizable as typing. "With a few adjustments," Charli said, "I was able to readjust my map and I can monitor large chakra deposits around the area. If that helps," she added with deliberate innocence.

She allowed them time to register this fact without interrupting for several minutes. Finally, when she figured they weren't picking up any of the successful options that she had just opened up for them, she cut in again. "I also have a plan…Up for grabs."

xXx

"_Your brother thought no one would be able to follow this trail?_" Zetsu snickered after about half an hour of successful tracking.

"I think he found it more likely that he would be followed by Konoha than us," Itachi stated indifferently.

"_He must have really low expectations of them in that case. Or he's just not as good at hiding himself as he thought._"

Itachi's silence was equivalent to that of a shrug in a normal, social person.

"I thought Orochimaru would have trained him, since he's so good at disappearing himself," remarked a conversational Pein.

"He could just be lazy."

Had Itachi been struck with the notion to be slightly comical, he might have said, "He lacks motivation." But he did not. The three of them let the conversation drop from there.

Night had descended. The forest was nearly black, the only light being the glint of moonlight off the leaves and the few beams that had managed to maneuver between. The cover of night gave them more of a margin for error when covering their own tracks, but they preferred to be more professional than their quarry.

They stopped a few times, only to be absolutely sure of their bearing before continuing. Only at this stop did they hesitate, not fearing their opponent's skills of detection or the like, but wanting to prepare a plan before barging in too far.

"Charli," Pein called, lightly pressing the small device into his ear in time to hear a crackle.

"Yeah?" she answered eagerly. She must be growing a bit bored, being away from all the action and having no one to torture.

"How far are we from Greg's signal?"

"About twenty yards."

"Perfect. That's all, thank you."

"Wait, really?" She sounded a bit crestfallen. "Sure you don't want me to monitor their positions or tell you if—"

"No, actually we'd prefer if you were absolutely silent. I don't want them to hear any static and get suspicious," Pein brushed her off.

Charli sighed. "Fine. I'll talk to Konan then, she's nicer than you." There was a click and the feed to Pein and Zetsu's earpieces was cut off.

"_I think you hurt her feelings,_" Zetsu pointed out. Itachi raised an eyebrow but said nothing, having missed most of the conversation anyway due to his lack of an earpiece.

Pein wasn't paying attention to them anymore. He was looking through the trees to see if he could locate any sign of their objective. He could vaguely detect a clearing due to the lightened effect of the space between tree trunks some sixty feet ahead. There was no fire. Either Sasuke hadn't lit because he was smart and wouldn't want to give off extra signals, or had already put it out and gone to sleep. Pein tried to ignore the part of his mind that was underestimating his opponent by saying he wouldn't have thought of the first option.

"I think only one of us should go, just to prevent things from getting too complicated. The other two will serve more as backup, but hopefully shouldn't even have to execute their jobs. This should be a pretty fast job, just in and out."

"I'll go," Itachi volunteered. The other two were vaguely surprised at first. Then they remembered Itachi's history with his family and chuckled to themselves, thinking if anything he would just enjoy having another chance to embarrass his brother.

"Very well," Pein nodded.

XxX

Leah sat next to Juugo, feeling very sad. She hugged Greg and stared at her feet, thankful only that Sasuke and Karin weren't around at this very moment. She wasn't really thankful _why _they were gone, since it was to set traps around their new campsite should any of her friends or the people from Konoha try to recapture her. But at least she was free to sulk in her mind-set state of inevitable doom in peace.

Juugo knew of her situation, and felt a bit bad, but offered nothing in ways of consoling her. After all, he was supposed to be on Sasuke's side. So he said nothing and just watched little mice scamper across the forest floor or squirrels dash up the trunks of trees to their nests.

His neck itched a little, so he scratched it, only to be reminded of his cornrows when his fingers scratched the ends of one or two loose. Leah looked up at him, and then immediately away again. She had probably been reminded of her friends.

Juugo felt very awkward. He kept his hand poised on his neck while trying to determine the best course of action to get rid of the tension. Finally he decided he should just take the cornrows out; they were probably what were causing his scalp to itch anyway.

Leah knew what he was doing and just stared ahead of her. She could have tried to be friendly and offer to help or something, but figured that would probably just making things more awkward. She didn't want to ask anyway.

After ten minutes or so, he lowered his arms, seeming to have finished. Leah stared ahead of her for a little longer before sparing him a glance.

Juugo looked at her, surprised, when she suddenly said "whoa" and started trying to stifle giggles. He blinked, confused.

"Um…what is it?" he asked, a little concerned for how quickly her attitude had shifted gears.

She shook her head, though it was still highly apparent that she was trying to hide her laughter.

He frowned, knowing it must have something to do with him and feeling slightly offended. He reached up to feel his hair, suddenly being struck with a sense of dread when his hand made contact sooner than he was used to. Both hands now on his head, brushing the tips of his hair in a spherical shape, he knew why Leah was laughing.

"I have an afro," he stated more than asked, slight shock and annoyance tinged in his voice.

She nodded unnecessarily, and he glumly waited for her giggles to stop. After a couple minutes though, it became apparent that his presence was enough to be comedic.

"S-sorry…" was all she could manage to choke out.

He didn't bother to say it was okay, as bad as he felt for feeling frustrated with her when she as in such an unpleasant situation herself. Juugo tried in vain to de-'fro his hair. It didn't work, and he gave up.

He didn't know when she stopped laughing, but he was feeling tired either then or some time after. The fact that he couldn't exactly remember was enough proof for him, so he finally got up and said 'good night' to her, going to the tent.

Sasuke and Karin turned up a little while later. Leah gave nothing more than a nod of understanding when Sasuke told her that she would be…inconvenienced, to say the least, by their traps—if she tried to escape. They too, went to their tents. Suigetsu still hadn't turned up by the time she figured it was 11 o'clock.

Leah put her head on her knees, wondering how much longer she had before Sasuke killed her friends. The whole time she had been sitting there she had been trying to think of alternatives or stories that she could tell him, or some way to at least get more time. But instead she was just feeling guilty that she had gotten impatient with them before they were gone, and overwhelmingly depressed and helpless that she might be the death of them.

Leah sniffled loudly, feeling her eyes sting and blurrily watching dark spots bloom on Greg's teal head. The tears made her eyes itch, and she closed her eyes tightly in frustration, willing herself to stop crying. She viciously scraped them away with her arm and repositioned her eyes onto her knees, hoping the compression would stop the flow of tears.

She sat there for at least another hour, barely moving, her mind numb, but still aware that she was feeling sorry for herself. Her breath didn't seem to sustain her. She tried to take deeper breaths, but the air simply felt foggy in her throat. Reluctantly, she lifted her head out into the open air and inhaled it, eyes closed. It was crisp and cool, soothing her warm, constricted throat.

A second later, the flow of air was cut off as a hand darted out over the lower half of her face. Leah opened her eyes, panicked. She thrashed her arms around, and the hand pressed harder, urging her silence. The hand kept a firm hold as the owner carefully, but swiftly moved around so she could see him.

Leah stopped flailing. Itachi let go. Leah stared at his expressionless face, unable to suppress her growing smile. Before he could react (and seeing as they were already in close proximity), Leah squashed Itachi in a powerful hug, conveying how happy she was to see someone who didn't want to interrogate her and would stop offering her ultimatums.

"Leah…we need to leave," Itachi whispered, perhaps even a little quieter than he meant to due to his slight lack of breath.

Leah released him and gathered up Greg and her bag, which was conveniently right next to her since she had been to busy moping to deposit it in the tent.

Itachi started toward the clearing hastily. Leah lagged behind momentarily to rip out a piece of paper and a pencil. She slung the bag over her shoulder and followed Itachi, scribbling hastily and sloppily on it as she walked, and then dropping it behind her.

"What did you just do?" Itachi asked suspiciously.

"I left your brother a present," Leah replied, grinning.

Itachi looked as if he was trying to figure out if she was serious or not, perhaps wondering if she had even just betrayed her rescuer to his brother.

"Don't worry," Leah reassured him quietly, "He _won't_ appreciate it."

Itachi turned his head back to face forward, narrowly avoiding a tree, but gracefully making it seem as if it had been a part of his plan. He had a feeling he knew what that scrap of paper said.

xXx

The best type of diversion, in the case where your target was already heavily guarded during a previous scare, was to give them exactly what they wanted. Or rather, what they were expecting—dreading. People would be so panicked by what was going—that their worst fear was being realized—that they would surely flock to the scene to try to subdue the incident. Because of course, nothing worse than that would come.

Charli's plan, depressingly, was going without a hitch.

In five minutes, the ANBU members were flocking to the west side of the city, to the site of the 'breach', and civilians were being hastily steered toward the more secure facilities by lower-ranking ninja.

Kisame, Tobi, and Kakuzu sighed as they watched noticed the scattered guards flock to the area where their clones were creating a disturbance, while also hosting 90 of their chakra. The three of them prepared, grudgingly, for the second stage of the plan.

XxX

Claire and Eva had both just gone to sleep (without saying a word to their hosts in the process) when the alarm went off. Messengers stopped at both Sakura's and Sai's residences to tell them they were required to help fend off a threat at the Western border.

After several minutes of contemplation (Sakura's more frantic and worried than Sai's) it was concluded, by both parties, that they would have to take their hostages with them. If they didn't, there was the possibility (influenced by the laws of the universe) that the girls would be kidnapped again. And if their half-hour rant received from Tsunade hadn't been hell, frozen over once and thawed out to be even fiercer than before, then what they would receive for having it happen the second time could surely be nothing short of eternal incarceration as Tsunade's slave…in the afterlife.

They met up with each other when dashing among the frantic crowd toward the source of their fear, Claire and Eva tired and bitching the entire way, but barely conscious enough at this point to register what was going on.

Yet it was hard for them to concentrate on hostages when everyone was running around, yelling, and huge chunks were exploding off of buildings and raining rocky debris into the night. Eva and Claire groggily slumped behind one of the buildings that seemed to be less in danger of destruction, blinking at their feet, not bothering to correct their double vision.

Several minutes later, the shouting and destruction was still as strong as ever. It was amazing that the two girls could even obtain this sort of half-conscious state of being when it sounded like they were in the middle of a war zone. They allowed Sakura and Sai, accompanied by Neji for reasons they did not know or care about, to lead them away.

xXx

"Wake up, you stupid losers!" Sakura yelled, slapping Eva in the face.

Eva flinched and swatted Sakura's hand away a full two seconds too late. "Why the hell are you slapping me, stupid pink-haired whore…" Eva slurred.

"Claire…Eva…please wake up," Sai pleaded, trying to open one of each of their eyes with his thumbs.

Claire was struck by a sudden surge of energy as she grabbed Sai's hand and threw it back towards him. "What do you stupid bastards want?" she demanded of them, "Is this a new interrogating technique? Interrogate the half-dead people who are worn out from being taken hostage and kidnapped over and over again and—"

"Claire, shut up! We aren't those stupid novice ninjas from Konoha!" Neji yelled.

"Well, there's quite a bit of evidence to the contrary!"

"Listen you undead dorks, this is a _disguise_. Obviously we aren't really these…midgety shrimps."

Eva narrowed her eyes, deciding to be smart and un-gullible for once. "You're lying," she declared.

"Of all the times," Sakura sighed, bringing her hand to her forehead in exasperation. "No Eva. We are not lying."

"Then who are you?" Claire asked.

"I'm Kisame, that guy's Tobi," she said, pointing to Sai, "and Kakuzu's him." Sakura pointed to Neji.

The idiot stood up, walking over to Sakura and poking her in the sternum, in between her breasts. "Then why do you have boobs?"

Sakura's face dead-panned with shock of Eva's stupidity, and she opened her mouth to say something. But then Neji added unhelpfully, "She has a bit of a point."

Eva turned around and glared at Neji. "Now I _know_ you guys are Akatsuki! The _real_ Neji would NEVER agree with me!" She laughed in what she thought was an evil manner. "You fell right into my trap!" Of course, there had been no trap. She just wanted to pretend there was. Everyone in the group but her knew this, because she had managed to convince herself that it had been a trap that her sub-conscious had made, and therefore of her own design.

Claire turned to face Sai. "If you wanna stay in character you should say something about a penis right now."

Tobi (whose face they could see for once) looked appalled. "But that would be completely inappropriate! Tobi's a good boy!"

She shrugged. "Whatever."

XxX

Hidan threw his dusting rag thing hard against the table in front of Konan. His hair was slightly disheveled and he had discarded his cloak hours ago while he very masculinely cleaned the house in nothing but his Akatsuki issued pants and his rosary. "That is it woman! I'm seriously not cleaning anymore!" he all but yelled and stared at the blue haired bitch as if he was waiting for her to tell him otherwise.

She leaned forward and neatly folded the abused rag that Hidan had mercilessly slammed against the table. Poor thing. "Did you get—"

"Yes! Woman, yes! I cleaned Sasori's old room," he threw his hands up in the air as he continued to talk very loudly so that Konan almost wished that he would just yell so she could hit him for it. She was feeling quite evil today for whatever reason; maybe she was PMS-ing. Oh well. "I dusted the goddamn room, I put the goddamn puppets in drawers and the closet, I washed the fucking mirror and the fucking bed," he rambled on, counting on his fingers as he did.

Konan nodded and leaned back against the couch. "Good work Hidan," she smiled in a Charli-like demeanor.

"Anything else, your majesty?" he growled with sarcasm thick in his tone as he bowed deep at the waist in his most mocking manner.

"Nope."

Hidan blinked. He hadn't been expecting that, having been almost looking forward to continuing this one-sided argument. He had thought up of some extremely rude and witty things to say to Konan but now he couldn't say them since she had appeased him.

Deidara stormed into the main room, mimicking what Hidan had done almost exactly mere minutes before. He had also rid himself of his cloak and he had put all his hair up into a ponytail since he kept getting chemicals and other undesirable substances in it while he was cleaning the bathroom. He dropped two garbage bags by the couch Konan was sitting on and leaned his elbows on the arm of it, letting his head hang and his ponytail flop in front of his face.

"Not cleaning anymore, un."

"It's okay, you don't have to do anymore," Konan said.

Deidara and Hidan blinked and glanced at each other with looks of near relief on their faces.

Konan made a light humming noise from the back of her throat and looked up. "Actually, I'm sure you two wouldn't mind tidying—"

"NO!" they said simultaneously.

"No fucking way in hell. I'm going to bed," Hidan decided. He turned on his heel and out of the main room.

"Same here," Deidara agreed and followed after Hidan into the corridor that led to their bedrooms. Luckily, everyone had their own room here so they wouldn't have to spend 100 of their time in close proximity to their partners. This was also especially good for Hidan and Deidara, since they were struck with urges to murder Tobi and Kakuzu on an hourly basis.

Konan sighed and stared at the garbage bags that Deidara had left for her to take care of. Well, she had just been sitting on the couch, playing with her paper and bossing around the Jashinist and the arsonist for the past four hours. She pushed herself up off the couch and carried the two garbage bags to a giant trash can that was behind a stone door in the very back of the hideout to be taken care of later.

Konan flopped back down on the couch, as if that small effort after hours of laziness had drained her. She decided to do some chakra exercises with the hundred or so paper swans and butterflies that she had made while being a lazy bum.

It hadn't even been two minutes before she heard the entrance of the hideout open. She detected the chakra right away and looked towards the front of the hideout, and although she couldn't see the entrance from where she was sitting, she knew who it was.

Kisame was carrying Eva on piggy-back while Tobi carried Claire in a similar fashion and Kakuzu followed shortly behind them, looking rather entertained.

"Hey, Deidara, Hidan!" Konan called.

"Go to hell bitch!" Hidan yelled back.

"Whatever it is, I'm not doing it!" Deidara yelled back as well.

Konan rolled her eyes. Oh well. Their loss. They shouldn't be _that_ tired, after all; it had only been four hours worth of cleaning. That should be an easy task for shinobi of their caliber. Then again, they were men, and men by nature are lazy and are not built for cleaning and other such 'feminine' tasks. She was being really sexist today on top of being plain evil. Definitely PMS.

"I hate being carried," Eva pouted, glaring up at Kisame.

"I hate the fact that you move slower than molasses," Kisame grumbled and set her down.

Tobi gingerly set Claire on her feet (who immediately decided she was more comfortable slumping down to the floor) and practically skipped over to Konan, looking around the hideout as he did so. "Wow. This place is so clean!"

"Yeah. All of you should go get some rest, it's been a long day," she said in a very motherly tone. "Leader and the others should be back shortly. They already had Leah the last time I checked in," she continued, knowing what their future questions might be and answering the in advance.

"I'm not going to bed until Leah gets back," Eva said and flopped down onto the couch and looked as if she wasn't planning to move for a very long time.

A very long time turned out to be about three minutes later when Pein's group returned with Leah in tow. She saw Eva and Claire and suddenly looked very sheepish. Pein had told her about how Sasuke had tricked her, and she felt a bit stupid, but relieved. Now she simply felt guilty for leaving in a huff before. Eva hugged her without saying anything, letting her know she was forgiven. Then she kicked Claire in the side for not even acknowledging their friend's return. Claire raised her arm from the floor awkwardly and gave Leah a sort of backwards wave.

Pein cleared his throat, extremely weary from all of today's drama and not eager for more nonsense to follow it up. "I think everyone's probably tired. This whole situation has been more of an ordeal than necessary. Now, there's an extra room—"

He, Konan, Tobi, Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Kisame suddenly cringed as a loud static whine pitched over their earpieces, audible even to the ones without them. Claire's head shot up from the floor quickly, and Eva and Leah were suddenly fully awake. The six of them frantically tried to wrench the little pieces of plastic out of their ears before their heads exploded. When they finally did manage this, the whine immediately stopped.

It was replaced by a short static crackle, and then voices. Everyone without an earpiece unconsciously shifted closer to those with them, as they heard unfamiliar, muffled voices emit from the tan buds.

"—wasn't anything on the computer," they heard the end of an unfamiliar man's sentence.

"I don't believe that for a second." This second voice was heart-sinkingly familiar. They waited in helpless fear for confirmation of their suspicions. "She must have done something to it."

"She's just a kid, Kakashi."

Eleven hearts nearly stopped at the name.

"She's capable of much more than you think," Kakashi retorted, "She's an accomplice to the Akatsuki. Isn't that right, _Kami?_"

"I find it a bit ironic that you're treating me like a criminal even though you're the ones breaking into _my_ house and accusing me of…consorting with…Alaskans, did you say?" Despite her confident bravado, they could detect the small evidence of panic in her voice. She had not been expecting this at all.

Neither had they.

"I can smell the chakra residue on everything," mumbled another familiar voice. Jiraiya.

"Hey you, don't touch that!" Charli yelled suddenly at someone. There was a clattering sound, and Charli exhaled, annoyed. It sounded like the person had dropped her black bag that held all of her spy gear.

"I'm investigating," the person snapped back at her, apparently having been shocked by her sudden exclamation.

"That's really expensive—"

"You're going to have to get used to it little lady. There's going to be twenty of us here, and we aren't leaving until the Akatsuki come back."

Charli's objective had been to reveal that number. Having it accomplished, she flicked open a panel on the headset she held behind her back, and pressed a small red button. The connection was severed. All six earpieces beeped twice, and silence filled the room.

"Hey…" Eva said softly after a minute of silence, "It's after midnight."

"What's your point Eva?" Claire shot at her numbly.

"It's Christmas."

**Author's Note: **

**Claire: In case you were wondering, Hidan basically called Deidara a lesbian to piss him off so much. He's bored since he has no one to argue with, and resorts to insulting people instead.**

**And as far as you know, Itachi could have been kidding. Just because he didn't show humor didn't mean it wasn't meant to be humor.**

**But he could have also been serious. XD**

**We will never know.**

**I think that was the only part of the story I wrote that I was happy with. I wrote too much.**

**Leah: Eva kept mentioning "Leah torture" last night. I'm once again frightened. **  
**…**  
**…**  
**I had three pickles today and they were yummy.**

**Claire: Get over yourself Leah, we were just trying to creep **_**you**_** out. You and Leah are different. P**

**(It was fun. –giggles evilly-)**


	13. Handcuffs and Biker Gangs

**Authors Notes:**

**Leah: I am so sorry that it took so long to update this. –cries-**

**For the past few weeks I've been visiting my dad in –summons country accent- Purcellville Virginia! It's the middle of 'effing nowhere! **

**Although my dad's house is pretty sweet since we have a pool and a mini bar and gigantic backyard with a barn that's bigger than my mom's whole house!**

**Speaking of the backyard, its nine acres and Jason and I got the wonderful job of painting the entire game fence around the whole perimeter of the yard. I had to wake up at 6:30 everyday at my dad's just to paint a fence! And it took four weeks! It was a big goddamn fence. And Charli and Samantha (my stepsister) just played by the pool and watched us paint. Well, Charli was being nice and she brought us lunch and got us water and stuff. But Jason kept painting my arms 'cause he was being immature and so I painted a giant black stripe down the back of his pants. Then we got in a paint war (this happened several times while painting the fence) and then we had to quit for the day 'cause we couldn't be mature.**

**So yeah, that being said, I was not at home to help Claire (and Eva I guess but she never does anything for this anymore really) and we had communication difficulties with the different time zones, other fun summer stuff, and lack of motivation so we didn't really work that much. –hides-**

**Also, I went to New York and saw Avenue Q with my stepmom and it was awesome and highly disturbing. Why do so many things with puppet have a sex scene or heavy mentions of it? Why?! It was funny though.**

**And there's an M&M store! A two story store in New York City devoted to M&M's, it was so awesome!**

**I've talked too much so here's Claire (or Eva whichever comes first)**

**Claire: ………Hello………Umm….I think I'm gonna say my stuff at the end so everyone has time to get over how much they hate me…-grins nervously and ducks behind couch-**

**Eva: -hides- Erm…………..hi………… -wince- -gets boot thrown at me- I deserved that. A lot. I've been insanely useless with this story because I lack motivation and it's more of a chore to write this than anything. And seeing as it is even more difficult than usual to be funny with this story when I don't feel like writing it at all…I have done nothing. TT**

**BUT! BUT BUT BUT! The next chapter has stuff that I am skilled at writing and almost always motivated for.**

**PERVYNESS.**

**OH yes. Pervyness and pairingness and everything in between. XD FTW!**

**I also just got back from river rafting. That was so freaking awesome. If you ever get a chance to go, take it. But I know that a lot of people don't like long author's notes so I shut up now. Possibly more at end. Possibly.**

Chapter 12:

Despite the fact that Eva had been very tired when she first came to the hideout, she woke up only five hours after she had gone to sleep, feeling surprisingly rested. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, the thick gray blanket she had been sleeping under sliding off her on to the floor. A section was still anchored to the couch by her feet, which she pulled out from under it since she realized they were getting hot.

Eva stretched and tugged the blanket back on to the couch, raising an eyebrow at the slight cloud of dust it raised. She looked at the couch perpendicular to hers, where Claire was still asleep, and looking a bit like a corpse with her face squashed against the pillow and her arm dangling only an inch or two off the floor. Claire grumbled and frowned unhappily in her sleep as the dust settled again, and Eva wondered briefly if her friend had some sort of sixth sense when it came to dirt.

When she had swung her feet off the cushions to rest on the floor, Eva stared at the opposite wall, wondering what she should do now. She really was confused as to why she wasn't tired, but she knew everyone else was still asleep, worn out from the events of yesterday. And even though the various Akatsuki members had woken her up numerous times in less than polite ways when they had been staying at her house, she didn't feel motivated to do the same to them, even though she was so terribly bored. No matter how tempting the idea of tackling Kisame while he was asleep sounded.

…That would also probably get her severely injured if not killed though…so it was a good thing she didn't feel like doing it.

She started thinking about what she usually did when she was bored, sighing when she realized she would usually watch anime or read fanfictions on the computer.

_But!_ she remembered suddenly, perking up. _Those fanfictions I read usually contain porn. And I bought Jiraiya's books in Konoha! And they also contain porn!_

Eva chuckled quietly to herself as she got up and crept over to her bag. Trying very hard to be silent (because she knew if she woke Claire up, she would be cussed out and punched), she opened the bag and carefully removed its contents one by one as she searched for her porn.

As the floor around her was slowly obstructed from view by her iPod, her other clothes, her make-up, and the other things she carried around, Eva started to feel panicky. She took the objects out more frantically until the bag was horrifyingly empty. Then she remembered Suigetsu hadn't given her back her perverted books before they left. Eva pouted at the empty bag in frustration. Bastard.

Halfheartedly, Eva started to stuff things back into her backpack, staring at her hands without really seeing them. Until a picture on one of her non-porn books caught her eye. It was one of her sword books that had all the different forms she had already learned. Hope restored, she stood up again, trying to remember where she had put her sword down last night. Maybe she could find a way outside or some empty room to practice—

Eva froze halfway through stepping over her bag to search further. Fucking Konoha ANBU had taken her sword after she'd managed to procure it from Suigetsu. She kicked the bag and the few items she had re-packed rolled and flopped and flipped back onto the floor. Claire made an irritated noise from behind her, and turned, apprehensive, to see if she was being glared at. Thankfully she wasn't, though she figured Claire was probably awake now anyway and just trying to fall asleep again, too tired to chew Eva out. A couple years ago Claire had been in a guilt-inducing mood and had told her and Leah that this happened often, and that she just pretended to be sleeping, hoping whoever it was would shut the hell up and if she didn't move, maybe she would be able to slip back into unconsciousness.

So Eva picked up her iPod and tiptoed out of the vicinity of the couches, glumly putting in her earphones and turning down the volume as she did so. She hated listening to music at less than full volume but she didn't have much other choice. And lacking porn and swords (and not being in a masochistic mood), she had nothing else to distract her.

She decided since she had nothing better to do, she would map out the interior of the hideout. It was a very odd place to be. It wasn't like a home—there was no carpeting or paint; it really was the inside of a cliff, so all three dimensions of the barriers of the rooms were rough, rocky walls.

But it wasn't strictly a man-made cave either. Adjacent to the couches, which served as a living area, there was a modestly furnished kitchen. There wasn't a fridge, but there was a large box made of made of some unknown substance that held dry ice and whatever sparse food items needed to be chilled. Other than that, there were cabinets and counters that held the goods that would not spoil, and an old-fashioned stove that could cook things if a fire was lit underneath. It vaguely reminded Eva of pilgrims, an analogy that she normally wouldn't make in association with nine highly dangerous murderers, but was true nonetheless. She half expected to see a butter churner.

Following the trend set by the anomaly of a kitchen in a cave, there were about a dozen doors along the back and sidewalls of the place. Eva spent a moment wondering how they had carved out the rooms of this place, and what they had done with all the rock that used to be here. Some of it probably had to do with one jutsu or another, but she figured a bit of it had to have been manual labor. Jutsu's weren't exactly like magic or anything, and they had to have limits. In any case, it had to be a lot of work, and she knew the Akatsuki had multiple hideouts. There was no way they would have been able or willing to do this for all of them.

There was also the mystery of where they had gotten all the furniture. Even if they were criminals, it wasn't like they could make a huge living off it. Stealing it could have been an option, but a rather difficult and obvious one unless they took it from a civilian city place, but then it wouldn't be that durable.

Eva sighed, not wanting to dwell on these very confusing topics for much longer. Instead, she returned her focus to the doors. She knew one was the bathroom, though how they managed the plumbing for that was also a mystery, and on top of that one she would _pay_ to not know about. And even though she wouldn't have thought it practical for each of the Akatsuki members to have their own room, this appeared to be the case. There was another door leading to the extra room that Leah was in, since Claire and Eva had insisted she sleep in there after all the excess chewgtt-trauma she had endured.

That left one more door. Cautiously, Eva walked over to it. She hadn't been expressly forbid to look inside it, or any parts of the hideout for that matter. Yet she still felt a little like she was breaking some rule by going through it.

But she was really REALLY bored.

And they all messed with her stuff all the time.

And even if they did have a problem with it, they wouldn't know, 'cause she'd just put it back. So there.

She opened the door, incredibly thankful that the hinges weren't squeaking. On top of Claire getting mad at her for waking her up, and in spite of whatever she told herself, she didn't want to be caught and have to explain or anything.

Turned out that the door led to a closet. Eva stared into its dark, cluttered depths for a few minutes before daring to touch anything. Half of the closet had shelves on which sheets, towels, and other normal things lay, even though they were stuffed inside haphazardly. A broom was also sandwiched into the little space between the doorframe and the edges of the shelves. However, Eva could see little beyond the handle as the bristles sank into the mountains of junk that loomed like a waiting avalanche at her feet.

She stared down into the dark abyss, half-expecting it to suddenly jump up and attack her, like a Transformer robot. It didn't, but as her eyes were still glued to the jumbled mess, she could identify some distinct items even in the poor light. A dead bonsai tree, a fish tank, a tin of assorted buttons, an old teddy bear that looked like it had been devoured by a lion (or, perhaps…a shark?) and then thrown back up, a small sewing kit, wood polish, a black bag, a paintbrush, a small paper fan, a sock puppet, a bent pair of glasses, and—

A small patch of pink, a little brighter than the muted colors around the rest of the stuff in the closet, caught Eva's eye. Carefully, she knelt down and gingerly poked it, hoping it wasn't alive. When she discovered it wasn't, she tried to work it out from under the rest of the stuff without causing it to crash down on her. Miraculously, she managed to get it out of the myriad of junk.

Where there wasn't pink fuzz, there was metal. Apparently some of it was more versatile than the rest, because the object had gotten tangled in itself. Carefully twisting it out apart, she ran her finger over the touch pad on her iPod so it would shine a dim light in which she could identify the object.

Eva stared at the thing dangling from her fingers long after the glow from the iPod stopped illuminating it. Because now, the image of what she had found was more brightly lit in her mind than anything else. As disturbing as she was, she never would have thought that while snooping through the notorious Akatsuki's hideout, she would find…

Fuzzy pink handcuffs.

The realization that had been accumulating suddenly hit her, full force, and she violently slapped a hand over her mouth to keep from howling with laughter. Her eyes watered, though more from the effort of not making a sound than her tongue being bitten by her teeth in the attempt to distract her laugh box with pain.

With great effort, Eva slid the riotous object back into the confines of the closet and closed the door. After accomplishing this she allowed herself to lower her head onto her knees while the hysteria subsided. Thankfully, it had not yet occurred to her to wonder _who_ the handcuffs belonged to, else she would wake not only everyone in the hideout but the village of Konoha with the laughter that would come while imagining each possible owner.

She waited a long time before sitting back up, still occasionally struck with an aftermath of small giggles. Her back started to ache though, from her lack of movement, so she righted herself and stared at the ceiling instead, amused. A few seconds later, the door to Eva's left opened, and she snapped her head to the source of the noise instinctively.

Eva was stunned by the sudden presence of another conscious being, but Hidan was stunned by the identity of the person in front of him (no less the strange location—on the floor in the middle of the hall).

Both parties struggled to make sense of the situation while frozen, eyes glued to each other, when their minds simultaneously clicked and sent for reaction.

"HOLY SHIT IT'S YOU!" Hidan yelled as Eva fell over, though she hadn't noticed how she had automatically leaned halfway to the floor when Hidan had first appeared.

A third person was also affected by this meeting, because a half-second later there was a "WAH!" and an extremely loud thump from the direction of the couches.

Following this racket, eight other doors shot open and the other Akatsuki members emerged.

"Dammit Hidan, what the hell is your problem?!"

"Is everyone all right? Tobi heard loud noises!"

"_I knew something like this would happen_."

"Gee, well you could have told us and saved us the trouble Zetsu."

"Wait, what the hell is Eva doing here, un?!"

"You just noticed me?"

"They got back last night, but you were too tired from cleaning to stay awake, remember?"

"They?! Does that mean Leah's here too?!"

Deidara dashed off to the extra room before Konan could answer him, leaving her to shake her head knowingly while the others yelled at Hidan for waking them up.

Eva got up and edged away from the angry group, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire that she had inadvertently caused. As she backed away, she accidentally bumped into the couch, closer now than it had been previously because Claire had kicked it when she jerked awake and fell to the floor.

"Oh fuck, are you okay, Claire?" Eva asked, craning her neck over the piece of furniture where Claire still had not moved from the floor.

"Ow…" Claire groaned in response. "Floor is made of rocks…ow…ow…"

Eva giggled.

From the middle of the argument still taking place behind Eva, Hidan finally shut the group up by noticing her and pointing. "It's her fault, she fucking surprised me!"

Nine heads turned to look at Eva, who scowled.

"And what are you doing anyway…"

"It's your fault for yelling! _And_ being surprised by a non-ninja! _**And**_ you made Claire fall off the couch!" Eva retorted.

Hidan blinked. "The bitch is here?" He nearly sprinted around the couch, ignoring the angry looks he was getting from the rest of the Akatsuki.

"_Ow_," Claire said again, irritably this time.

"Why're ya sleeping bitch?" Hidan grinned sadistically, nudging Claire in the side with his toe.

"OW!" Claire twisted sharply away and countered by punching Hidan in the shin.

"FUCK!" he yelped, holding the injury while hopping on his right leg. "THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM! I JUST FELL ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR MADE OF ROCKS BECAUSE YOU YELLED! IT'S LIKE SIX IN THE MORNING AND _SOME_ PEOPLE HAD A REALLY STRENUOUS DAY YESTERDAY, AND COULD HAVE USED THE SLEEP!"

"YOU THINK YOU HAD A STRENUOUS DAY? WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US WHO SPENT ALL THIS TIME TRYING TO FIND YOU THREE BITCHES, ALL BECAUSE YOU HAD TO GET YOUR DAMN SELVES KIDNAPPED IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Pein sighed as the hostility from the Akatsuki vs. Hidan argument was transferred to Hidan vs. Claire. "Is it wrong that I consider this normal?" he mumbled to Konan as he wearily massaged his temples.

"**WAAAAAH! RAPIST!**"

"DAMMIT LEAH, I'M NOT A RAPIST, UN! Ow! HEY, STOP IT—OW! JESUS LEAH, IT'S ME, DEIDARA!"

The sounds of violence carried over from Leah's room, subsiding after a few more insistent protests from Deidara.

"Geez, I was just gonna see if you were okay—"

"And you couldn't wait until everyone was awake?!" Leah huffed, exasperated. The door opened and she pushed Deidara out.

"Everyone is awake!" the blonde protested, gesturing to the group collected in front of the closet, and Claire and Hidan, who hadn't heard the ruckus being made by Deidara and Leah due to their own shouts. "I don't understand how even _you_ could sleep through that," he muttered once she had stopped punching him in the back.

"I also consider this normal," Pein admitted grudgingly.

xXx

Last night:

"You're going to have to get used to it little lady. There's going to be twenty of us here, and we aren't leaving until the Akatsuki come back."

Charli's objective had been to reveal that number. Having it accomplished, she flicked open a panel on the headset she held behind her back, and pressed a small red button. The connection was severed. All six earpieces beeped twice, and silence filled the room.

"Hey…" Eva said softly after a minute of silence, "It's after midnight."

"What's your point Eva?" Claire shot at her numbly.

"It's Christmas."

Leah shot her a look. "My sister had just been practically kidnapped, Eva—"

"I know that, I'm worried too! I just—" Eva cut herself off, for once realizing what she was going to say before she said it. She still hadn't realized it soon enough though, since the scene had been set by her last words.

"You _what?_" Leah prodded tersely.

Eva stared at her feet somberly while adding yet another mental note to the many that were tacked up on the corkboard in her head to stop being such an idiot. "I was just pointing out that this really sucks…" she mumbled.

Claire scoffed and rolled her eyes up at the ceiling bitterly. "Yeah, we really needed you to point that out to us."

"I know that, already, but Leah—"

"All three of you, shut up!" Pein commanded loudly, his strange ringed eyes coercing them into silence. "I understand you're upset, but there is nothing we can do right now!"

"What do _you_ think we should do then?" Claire muttered bitterly. So many frustrating, depressing, stupid things had happened to them in the last few days and they were still just piling up.

"Nothing." He glanced around the room of solemn faces, his own stern with the aura of command. "We all need rest. So we should get it. Nothing positive will be accomplished by rushing into things unprepared."

Awkwardly, the Akatsuki members murmured small phrases of assent and drifted towards their rooms. Konan and Pein stayed with the girls to sort out the sleeping arrangements.

"We have one extra room, but the bed is small so you probably won't be able to share," Konan explained, fidgeting slightly with her hands. "Two of you could sleep on the couches."

"I'll take the couch, one of you guys can have the room," Leah said quietly.

"No. You take the room."

"But—"

"Dammit Leah, just don't argue for once," Claire sighed, frustrated.

"You had to deal with Chewgtt for longer than we did…Plus, I like the couch," Eva added.

"Me too," Claire agreed, "So just…chill…"

Pein and Konan glanced at each other. Leah fidgeted, wanting to protest further, but nodded for all their sakes.

Konan nodded too, perhaps without noticing. "Okay. Well, Leah, I'll show you the room and get some blankets for you two."

Pein, who had apparently stayed only to make sure there were no quarrels over room arrangements, paused after taking a step towards his own. "Like I said…don't dwell on this too much. It won't do anyone any good."

Though he had added the last part to distance himself from them, conveying his superiority and such, they had not missed the slight awkwardness he had started with. The four of them smiled a little at the unusual gesture of concern, a small solace amongst the recently unhappy times.

XxX

Everyone was secretly thinking that the sinister blonde haired, blue eyed, eleven-year-old bitch's luck would eventually run out. However, no one said it because the laws of the universe would demand otherwise if this wish were to be put verbally. It had been a miracle in itself that she survived messing with the Akatsuki _and _an undercover mission to Konoha, but now she was really screwed.

Before there had always been someone looking out for her and making sure that she didn't get violently murdered. When Leah had to baby-sit her for the two days during the summer the only reason she didn't get hurt was because of some deal they made with the Akatsuki and the fact that they had been too distracted about their crisis back then to give two shits about what she was doing. And if it hadn't been for Konan, she would've been kidnapped and held hostage in Konoha. She had been very lucky. _Very lucky_.

But now she wasn't.

She was completely screwed, and she knew it.

There was nothing she could do about it.

She hadn't slept in twenty six hours.

And it was fucking Christmas!

The rest of the team from Konoha had arrived in the early hours of the morning, making a mess as a result of the justu before rummaging through the contents of the house. Although, they did put everything back after tearing through it, making things slightly less awful. At least she wouldn't have to clean up afterwards on top of everything else. That would be really un-cool.

Charli blew the annoying wispy hairs out of her face and pouted like a kindergartener that couldn't go out to recess. She was told not to move, and trying to disobey this rule proved unsuccessful. She was immediately snatched up by whatever ninja was closest and placed on the couch, with the threat of being tied up to look forward to if she moved again.

She decided just to stay put and glare at everyone until they felt uncomfortable. Although her glare wasn't close to being as potent as Itachi's, she was okay at imitating it. The secret was to narrow the eyes and lower the eyebrows slightly while keeping an emotionless face and staring down whoever the victim was. Though a smile always crept up her face so it sort of ruined the effect. Unless it was seen as an evil smile. Which it wasn't.

The ninja had gathered in the kitchen, their voices carrying over to where Charli sat reluctantly on the black leather couch. She could see them if she just barely turned her head, and she could also hear them quite clearly. But they all knew this, and didn't care one bit, because there was absolutely nothing she could do at present.

Impatiently, she waited for an opportunity in which she could safely contact the Akatsuki and give them a heads up on who was at the house. She scanned the faces in the group for the seventh time that hour and mentally named everyone that she could recognize: Kakashi, Jiraiya, Gai, Gaara, Kankuro, Temari, Neji, TenTen, Lee, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji. The other five were ANBU members, so she couldn't see their faces and wouldn't know their names, but it didn't matter because she still knew they posed a threat.

There was no way in hell that the Akatsuki would return to the house while these people occupied it. They were criminals, but they weren't stupid. She knew that they were extremely intelligent, especially Pein. She couldn't even remember how many books she had read and how many websites she had gone to so she could talk to the heavily pierced man about strategies and such.

Maybe she could still help a little bit, if she could help figure out how to get the Konoha and Suna bitches out of the house. No doubt Pein was already working on a plan, but she hated feeling useless. She knew they noticed when she turned her head, so she tried to use her peripherals to get another glance at them.

The team of ninja seemed to be engrossed in conversation at the moment, just like the last time she had checked. Now would be as good a time as any to get send a message…

"What do you think you're doing?" A pair of pale hands grabbed her wrists before she could even attempt to send a text message to the Akatsuki's shared cell phone. She started then tried to reinstate her glare.

He kneeled now so he was at her eye level, his creepy pupil-less lavender eyes meeting her pale blue ones. "Don't even think about trying to contact them. It's no use." He informed her for the second time that day. She had tried to call them earlier, but that attempt failed more epically than this one.

"You guys are the ones who left the cell phone within arms reach from me. You should've known that I would've at least tried to get some help, since there are twenty weirdoes practically kidnapping me in my own house," Charli said in her best patronizing tone.

Neji grabbed the phone and put it in his bag. "Do you have any other advice for us?"

Charli tapped her chin in mock thought. "Yeah, get out!" she said brightly.

"No can do little lady," Kankuro smiled. "We're staying here until we can say 'hello' to your little blonde friend," he added darkly.

"Eva?" Charli questioned. Then again, Eva wasn't really her friend. They just tolerated each other's existence and occasionally talked about what would be the worst way to die.

"No, the other one," Kankuro narrowed his eyes at her. He knew she was messing with him, and her little act of playing dumb wasn't going to work.

There was another blonde one? Charli didn't know she had another 'friend' that was blo—oh! Deidara, right, of course he was talking about Deidara. He probably didn't even know Eva. Or maybe he did and he either really liked her or she had done something that severely pissed him off. Knowing Eva, it was one of those extremes but it was more likely the latter. Anyways, it was pretty obvious he'd want to kick the crap out of Deidara, after all he had kidnapped and killed his brother. But Gaara still lived so it was _as_ bad. Right?

"I don't have any other blonde friends though," Charli maintained innocently.

"Give it up kid, we know you know the Akatsuki," Temari snapped.

Charli dropped her head into her hands. "For the last time you idiots! I don't know any Alaskans! Alaskans don't like southern California, its too hot for them," she explained with fake exasperation.

The next thing she saw was something vividly green standing beside Neji, who was still positioned in front of her. Lee crouched down her level looking at her in the eyes as he smiled softly at her. "What's you're name?"

That was a first. They had all been calling her 'girl', 'kid', 'little lady', 'hey you'…and Kakashi kept calling her '_Kami_'. She straightened up warily and told him her name.

Lee nodded; apparently he had some different way of extracting information. "Charli-chan, we know that you know who we're talking about when we say 'Akatsuki'. You were caught spying in our beloved Konoha with another presumed Akatsuki member and there's clear evidence that they have been here. Why won't you tell us that you at least know who they are?"

Charli stared at him as he smiled while he awaited an answer from her. She sighed. Lee was cool, being an eccentric weirdo and stuff, but that didn't mean she was going to humor him or any of his buddies. "I. Don't. Know. Any. Alaskans. End of story."

Lee's face fell in disappointment since his nice way of questioning didn't work.

"Good try Lee!" Gai praised.

Lee beamed at Gai, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes from being praised by his adored and equally green sensei.

Everyone else practically gagged. Neji pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head, wondering why and thanking God that he wasn't affected by their weirdness. Especially because now they were hugging for some reason only people wearing those ridiculous green jumpsuits could understand.

"Right," Charli drawled. "That's not weird at all," she added sarcastically before continuing to stare at the other ninjas.

The house shook suddenly from the force of the large slab of wood that was slammed unnecessarily hard against the wall (which was saved from pulverization only by the doorstop).

"I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT!" The crazy blonde doctor announced. They heard his footsteps running to the bathroom on the other side of the house then another loud slam of a door.

"That's not weird either," Neji commented dryly.

Charli shifted her ever-present glare on to him. "…Touché." After all, Jason's antics confused everyone, and they all seemed to feel the need to point out just how weird he was to her and Leah. They knew he was weird; he had always been weird and he had always shared things about his bowel movements with anything within earshot, be it animal, vegetable, or mineral. That was just the way he was.

"…What just happened?" Shikamaru scratched the back of his head and blinked, eyes turned towards the source of the noise.

Charli grimaced. "My brother's home." If things hadn't been bad before, they were now. She had to come up with some way to explain to Jason why there were twenty random strangers in his house on Christmas. Fortunately he hadn't noticed them yet so she had a little time to think up a plan before Jason finished, as he so elegantly put it, 'taking a shit'.

Maybe she could tell him they were all hobos that needed a place to stay on Christmas, and since one was suppose to be nice and charitable on this holiday she agreed to let them stay a few days? No, that wouldn't work, Jason could see past her sweet and innocent act to the little demon within. Besides, twenty hobos wouldn't be hanging out in this part of the La Jolla, considering it was a fairly wealthy and secluded neighborhood.

A traveling circus whose hotel reservations got canceled? No, if he actually believed that, he would give them hell asking them to do funny tricks and such. A group of carolers that would stay with them for the Twelve Days of Christmas because they were particularly persistent with making people listen to their religious songs and teachings? No, she was a proud Atheist and Jason knew it. They were all her friends? Jason knew she didn't have that many friends. The house was haunted so she hired a ghost hunting team? Again no, she didn't believe in such things. Maybe they were—

"Ah, that was the nicest crap I've ever taken," Jason said after he finished his business in the bathroom.

Not good. He would undoubtedly be in the living room in the next few seconds. Dammit, she needed more time. "That's nice Jason," she drawled after a moment's hesitation, trying to sound disinterested and at ease.

The ninja in the room seemed to be slightly disturbed, except for a few that found Jason's crude humor to be funny. They tried to turn away as he approached so he wouldn't see they had been laughing at him (although that was generally his goal).

"Yeah I know—wait…who are these people?" Jason stopped in his tracks when he came to the archway that led to the living room, eyes the size of walnuts at the number of strangely dressed people he saw.

"Umm," Charli glanced at them quickly then back at Jason.

"They are not the dudes-and-one-chick group… where'd they go? Did they find the girls or something? Maybe I should call them and at least wish them a happy Christmas," Jason rambled. His face brightened up spontaneously and replaced the look of shock. "Oh yeah, Charli! Mewwy Kwissmas!" He exclaimed using a baby voice and throwing his arms up in the air with enthusiasm.

"Heh…Merry Christmas," Charli returned uneasily.

"But seriously, who are these people?" Jason made wild arm movements at said people, who were probably just as confused by him as he was by them.

"Er…They're rivals of those other people…a rival biker gang," she fibbed. "Don't tell them anything, they're violent—," Charli added as quickly as she could before TenTen clasped a hand over her mouth.

Jason narrowed his eyes at them. "Why are they in my house?"

Kakashi stepped forward. "You see, the people who have been frequenting this place are not _good_ people and we want to bring them to justice," he explained calmly.

Jason chuckled and shook his head. "Dude, you got the wrong guys."

"Pardon me?"

"The dudes-and-one-chick are cool. Sure they're a little eccentric…okay, extremely eccentric, but I don't believe they're bad people. Lighten up man, don't hate on the outcasts," Jason headed into the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Since it's Christmas, I'll let you stay here until they get back, which will probably be soon. You can take things up with them then. In the meanwhile don't destroy the house or I'll call the police or something."

Charli gaped at him. Was he seriously just going to _allow _them to stay here? No further questions? No nothing? Dammit, not even Jason was going to help her this time.

Ass.

xXx

Things had quieted down since the initial waking up of all the occupants of the hideout. The girls were lurking in the kitchen area, Claire and Leah helping Eva cook breakfast.

Konan had offered to have some of the guys help (to which they all immediately protested…loudly), but Eva turned her down. Claire sniffed that they should clean up the place, since it was still coated thickly in dirt, and although she hadn't exactly been serious, Konan took her up on the suggestion. There were more protests, save from Deidara and Hidan, who just looked appalled and disbelieving. Pein silenced them and forced them all to comply with one menacing stare. He and Konan now sat at the table smugly, discussing unknown matters quietly.

The girls were mostly quiet as they cooked. Despite assurances, they had receded glumly to thinking about the situation at their house. It was frustrating to be targeted simply for _knowing_ the Akatsuki. They understood why Konoha had this vendetta against them, but…

"You three."

"AH!" Claire jumped, the cup of water she had been holding splashing herself, Eva, and Leah in the face. She spun around, clutching the counter with one hand and pointing at Pein with the other. "NINJA SKILLS! SO ANNOYING!"

"I am wet," Leah said.

Eva wiped a drop of water off her cheek. "Me too."

"Not my fault," Claire grumbled.

Pein cleared his throat. "Erm…I apologize," he said awkwardly. "I had something I wished to discuss with you."

The three of them looked slightly confused but waited for him to continue while drying themselves off with their sleeves.

He sighed, looking mildly conflicted. "I know this may be difficult…But I need to know if you told Konoha or Sasuke anything about us."

"Are you serious…?" Eva asked doubtfully.

Claire narrowed her eyes, throwing a hand out in a questioning, incredulous gesture. "What the hell man? As if we haven't been interrogated enough in the last few days!"

"We didn't tell them anything, we just made stuff up when we had to," Leah complied evenly.

Pein's gaze lingered on her for a moment, then moved on to the other two after deciding she was telling the truth. "You two still have not answered my question."

"No!" Eva squeaked defensively.

Claire crossed her arms. "Of course we didn't tell them anything. Just because we hate you guys sometimes for being idiots doesn't mean we'd just sell you out…Geez…"

"I was just checking," he explained stiffly.

"Nice to know that we're trusted."

The tension was abruptly interrupted when Tobi bounced up between Pein and the girls. "Hi!" he peeped innocently.

Claire flinched back again at his sudden appearance, but managed to suppress a yelp this time.

Pein quickly took advantage of this change in subject. "What is it, Tobi?"

"Um, actually Tobi was just wondering if breakfast was almost ready," he said, turning his orange-masked face towards the girls tentatively.

"A little while longer Tobi," Leah told him. "Tobi is a good boy. He deserves his Christmas presents." She hinted, mentally adding an 'Unlike _some_ people' to the statement.

"Ooh! Christmas presents, yay!" Tobi clapped his hands excitedly.

Eva smirked, remembering her little adventure this morning and choosing to interpret it with her mind firmly in the gutter. "Heh heh…Maybe we didn't do as good a job at picking presents as we thought," she chuckled darkly. The four of them stared at her quizzically.

She motioned for Claire and Leah to come closer so she could whisper something to them, eyeing the two curious Akatsuki members warily. The three of them edged down along the counter a little, and Eva told them…

"Fuzzy pink handcuffs?" Tobi repeated a little louder than he meant to.

Everyone froze. Konan coughed on the tea she had been drinking. Kisame dropped a heavy box he had been carrying on Kakuzu's head. Deidara forgot about keeping his balance as he tried to clean off one of the lights hanging from the ceiling, and nearly fell off. Itachi raised his eyebrows.

Tobi realized too late what he had done, and clapped his hands over his mask where his mouth would have been. "Tobi is sorry! Tobi didn't mean to listen, it's just a habit!"

"What the _fuck?!_ Whose are they?" Hidan exclaimed, looking around at his comrades.

The accusations started flowing immediately. It was always the quiet ones who were the freakiest, so they had to be Itachi's. No, following that logic, they could also be Zetsu's. What about Deidara? He was _openly_ perverted. But Hidan was obviously an S&M freak. But all the chicks Kisame got were probably into beastiality, so they were kinky enough already. Who said anything about kinkiness? They were probably Kakuzu's. He had to put them on or they'd run away.

That last comment earned Hidan a particularly violent punch in the ribs from Kakuzu, and judging from the loud cracking noises that came from the impact, several were probably broken.

Itachi and Zetsu hadn't been insulted much by the allegations against themselves, having more patience than the others; they kept their peaceful, stationary positions and held their silence (characteristically, as it had been pointed out). But Deidara and Kisame looked like they were about ready to beat each other up. Hidan had wiped the blood from his mouth and stood up, wincing yet grinning at the pain in his side, and was planning on returning Kakuzu's favor.

Most of them winced when a shrill and ridiculously loud whistle cut through the air and echoed around the rocky enclosure. Konan calmly lowered her hand and nodded very slightly to Pein.

"Holy shit, she can do the cool finger whistle thing!" Claire spazzed quietly to Eva and Leah. "I've always wanted to be able to do that!"

"Me too…" Eva agreed wistfully.

Leah looked at the floor unhappily. "I can't even whistle normally…"

Tobi patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry Leah-san, Tobi can't whistle either."

"Yay, friend!" she said, hugging him.

"Um…" Konan interrupted. She was still blushing a little from the compliments she had received in regards to her whistling.

The squabbling Akatsuki members returned their attention to her, then Pein.

"_Don't start_," he ordered severely. Damn, they were like children the way they constantly had to be chastised and watched. He glanced in the direction of the stove, where Leah, Claire, and Eva had quietly resumed cooking breakfast.

Of course, it was those three who often stirred up all this ludicrousness. He sighed and went back to the table.

The Akatsuki members resumed working with surprisingly little fuss. But this was really because they were secretly thinking of who was the true owner of the fuzzy pink handcuffs. They picked up their dusters, brooms, and the like. Hidan placed his hands on his side and realigned his ribs with more disturbing crunching sounds. Tobi looked to the girls and waved, practically skipping back to the larger room.

"I told you to be wary of the ninja skills," Claire whispered, mostly to Eva. "Evil ninja skills…super hearing and stuff."

"I heard that," Pein called over his shoulder.

"I know!" Claire yelled back.

"Didn't know he could be funny…" Leah muttered. They giggled and Konan smiled a little before picking up her conversation with Pein, ending their eavesdropping bout.

"So whose do you think they are?" Eva spoke the question that was on everyone's mind.

"Funnyboy," Claire snickered in the quietest voice she could manage. Just in case. "He's the only one who might have use for them, after all."

"Deidara could have a use for them," Eva said thoughtfully.

Leah gaped at her and took a couple steps away from her horribly candid friend.

"I will pretend you did not mean that the way you meant that…"

"No, I think they're Itachi's."

"Why?" Leah asked, hoping for validation against Eva's other preference.

She shrugged. "Well he _is_ quiet. And disturbed…with the whole clan killing thing…He seems like the type." With that explanation, she scooped the last pancake from the pan she was cooking it in onto the large serving plate and carried it to the table. Claire and Leah followed reluctantly, each carrying the stacks of individual plates and the utensils.

The others flocked to the food, helping themselves eagerly, though they were all still sending each other curious glances.

Though they were not at the house, everyone still took the seats they normally occupied out of habit, since the table was of a similar shape. Hidan, however, lingered next several dozen feet away from his chair. He looked from the pancakes to Claire, and backed away a little.

"Tobi, switch with me," he demanded.

Tobi froze. "Wh-what?"

"Fucking switch with me!"

"Damn Hidan, don't be such a drama queen, just sit down, un," Deidara muttered exasperatedly.

"'Drama queen'? Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black," Hidan snorted. "Stay the hell out of this. Tobi, move."

"Um…okay…" Tobi hesitantly got up from his chair and went to sit between Konan and Itachi.

Hidan smirked triumphantly and took Tobi's place.

"What the hell was that about?" Kakuzu shot at him, more irritated with the interruption of the status quo than genuinely curious.

"Bitch," he replied simply, stuffing a whole pancake into his mouth.

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow, though the action was barely noticed due to his extensive facial coverings. "I know you hate me, and the feeling is mutual, but I don't exactly know how I merited that response," he remarked conversationally.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Sorry I hurt your feelings," he said, not sounding sorry at all. "I meant _Bitch_. As in that." He twitched his hand in Claire's direction.

Claire glowered at him.

He put down his fork in response and returned the angry stare. "Do you know how long it took me to get the syrup out of my hair the last time that hyperactive twit—" at this he pointed to Eva, who pouted at him fiercely, "—decided to make pancakes?"

Claire let out a short, dry laugh. "So that's what the big deal is?" she shook her head, scoffing. "That's really sad. I didn't know I given you pancake-induced mental trauma." She chewed pensively at a bite of said breakfast food. "I already told you I'm over it now anyway."

"Like I'm gonna trust anything you say. That's why I put two people between you and me. No way you're getting past Deidara's big ol' airhead. Or Zetsu's…plant…head…"

"Hell, _I'll_ throw a pancake at you if you don't shut up, un."

"Zetsu, eat any pancake projectiles that come my way." He thought for a moment. "No, better yet, eat the person who throws it."

"I don't see why I should help you," Zetsu pointed out calmly, poking at a small plant he had brought to the table. After all, pancakes weren't exactly part of his food pyramid. "_Especially when I could just dispose of the target and solve everyone's problems_."

"Get over yourself Hidan, you aren't so important to me that I spend every moment trying to figure out if you're susceptible to death by bacon," Claire sapped impatiently.

"I'm not _susceptible_ to death by anything, whore. I'm just saying, you fuck up my hair again—"

"Can we _please_ change the subject? I am so tired of listening to your pathetic squabbling all the time," Pein moaned impatiently.

"Whose handcuffs are they?" Eva piped up.

Pein grabbed his own face roughly, perhaps trying to implode his own skull in an attempt to end his suffering.

"What? Everyone wants to know," Eva justified innocently.

"I don't," Leah volunteered unhappily.

"Yes you do," Claire contradicted her.

Leah hung her head. "Okay, yeah, I do…" she admitted. "Doesn't mean I'm not afraid of the answer," she muttered much more quietly to herself.

Kisame pushed his plate out of his way and crossed his large blue arms over the table, leaning ever so slightly towards Pein. "Do you know whose they are?"

Pein eyed him, his brow down over his face in uncomfortable irritation. The shark man was purposefully being creepy and crowding over him, trying to extract an answer just by dwarfing the Akatsuki leader.

"You're in my personal space," Pein grunted.

"You avoided the question," Kisame pointed out.

"It's true," Eva agreed.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Claire and Leah were both very tempted to start banging their heads on the table. It was bad enough that Kisame was about to get his ass handed to him, but now Eva had decided to join in the pestering. Frustratingly, no one else seemed to care what happened, since they were just as interested and willing to be peaceful if they might get an answer out of it.

"Why are you so interested to know anyway?" the Akatsuki leader inquired.

Eva giggled. "You're still avoiding the question. That means your hiding something."

"Oh ho ho…could it be that they're _yours?_" Kisame chuckled darkly, glancing at Konan, then back at Pein. Konan noticed this and choked on a bit of pancake. She took a sip of water and straightened up, glaring at Kisame indignantly and giving off the look of a bird with ruffled feathers. The other Akatsuki members shoved pancakes in their mouths almost simultaneously to hide their sniggers.

"You two are really starting to annoy me…" Pein leaned his head down and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Leah and Claire scooted their chairs as far away from Pein as they could without being noticed. In the event that he suddenly decided to shred Eva and Kisame into a million fleshy pieces, they didn't want to be caught in the crossfire.

"If you really have nothing to hide, it shouldn't matter," the morbid blonde prompted.

The fish-man shrugged casually. "They're simple 'yes' or 'no' questions."

"Someone, make them shut up!" Pein groaned, throwing his head back in exasperation.

They all sat idly by though, since he hadn't bothered to specify who 'someone' was, and they were all still hoping for an answer. Plus, it could be interpreted as a rhetorical plea. So they all just ate their breakfast, carrying on very small conversations and pretending that they weren't listening.

"Eva, I think you should kind of _shut the fuck up_," Leah hissed at her friend nervously.

"Just answer the two questions and we'll stop asking you," Kisame bartered, trying to look sincere but still ending up with that disturbing grin.

"Tobi!" the Akatsuki leader barked suddenly.

Tobi started and snapped his head up. "Yes?!"

"Occupy them, distract them, I don't care, just _shut_. _Them_. _**UP!**_"

Kisame and Eva were still looking at Pein, convinced that this demand would also be ignored. Tobi had to want to know whom the handcuffs belonged to, too.

However, they hadn't taken into account that Tobi was the Akatsuki's fidgety little obedient mouse. Looking hysterically from side to side for something to fulfill this request, Tobi was suddenly struck with an idea.

Had Kisame not be distracted, he probably wouldn't have been able to do it. Eva wouldn't have been a problem in either case, but it was still lucky that she was looking away too.

With a burst of speed that none of them would have thought possible of their newbie member, black-gloved hands shot across the table. A succession of little winding clicks hit the air, and…

Eva and Kisame looked down to find themselves sporting matching pink bracelets.

Everyone stared for a minute while it registered what had happened. Then the nervous scattered laughter started, growing stronger and louder as they all quickly lost their self-control. Pein stood up, smiling slightly.

"For the record," he said to them, though they were still staring dumbfounded at their wrists. "I don't know whose they are. And they definitely aren't mine." He picked up his plate casually, and made to go towards the kitchen. "Though at the moment, it looks like they belong to you two."

XxX

The front door opened loudly for the second time that day around nine o'clock and nineteen pairs of ninja eyes turned toward the door. The only one who didn't look was the Kazekage, Gaara, whose pale green irises were trained on Charli, as he had made it his personal mission not to let the girl out of his sight.

"Merry Christmas!" Rachel's light voice rang out through the house. "Charli I've got a present for you—" They heard some struggling while Rachel muttered something under her breath. Then something metal clicked and the next second a gigantic gray dog came barreling into the room with the force of a bulldozer and all the intentions of one.

Tracey MacElliot the Third pushed off her hind legs into the air and crashed onto Hinata with her forepaws pushing on the Hyuuga heiress's shoulders and knocking her to the ground with a thud. The giant gray dog licked Hinata's face and wagged her tail so hard that her whole body shook, as if she was saying hello to someone she hadn't seen in months when in obvious reality it was the first time she had met Hinata.

Hinata was used to this kind of treatment from Akamaru and was giggling as she tried to push the oversized dog off of her form.

"Tracey!" Rachel yanked on the dog's collar, guided her to her side, and firmly held her there. "I am so sorry, this happened last time too—wait, are you a friend of Leah's?" she asked, realizing that she did not recognize Hinata and automatically assuming she would be Leah's friend due to her age.

"We're not," Hinata answered politely as Kiba offered her a cloth to wipe the dog slobber off her face.

Rachel backed up, staring suspiciously at the new group of people. She had never met them and Jason had never told her about them. They weren't the same weird people that she went to Fuddruckers with either. And some of them were dressed in black uniforms that resembled—oh shit.

"Um, excuse me, I need to talk to Jason," Rachel said hurriedly and released Tracey.

"He's in his room," Charli informed.

Rachel nodded and quickly exited the room, heading up the stairs. She made her way to Jason's room at the end of the hallway and knocked rapidly on the door.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeess?" Jason said imitating some cartoon character that Rachel did not recognize.

"I think there's some sort of police officers downstairs, do you know about this?" Rachel said uneasily.

Jason's door flew open. "Did porn suddenly become illegal or something!" he screeched frantically before it even registered whom he was talking to.

Rachel crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave him the look only women could give to their soon-to-be husband.

"Um…" Jason recovered his posture and looked around sheepishly.

"It is when you have a fiancée…" Rachel clarified darkly.

"I love you?" he squeaked anxiously.

Rachel couldn't help but smile at him then eventually laughing. This was one of the reasons she loved Jason, when he wasn't working he was without a doubt one of the funniest and weirdest guys she knew, whether it was intentional or not.

Rachel reiterated what she had seen downstairs and Jason explained the situation to her dismissively. Although she didn't like the fact he was letting them stay in his house (frankly, she thought it was kind of stupid on his part) she went along with it. After all, she didn't have to live here…yet.

"Okay, remember that we're having Christmas dinner at my parents house tonight, make sure you and Charli clean up and look nice. You want to make a good impression with my family. Alright?" Rachel laced hands behind Jason's neck and smiled at him as sweetly as she could.

"Sure thing, Rachel."

"And we need to start planning our wedding. It's only six months away and we have a lot of stuff to get done. I'll be coming over first thing tomorrow so we can get busy, okay?"

"Depends what you mean by 'get busy'," Jason smirked mischievously and pulled Rachel closer to him.

She laughed and hit him playfully, "None of that until the wedding."

Jason's face fell. "B-but but—"

She grinned. "You think you can last that long?"

"No!" he protested honestly.

"Well you have your porn and your hand so I think you'll live."

Jason narrowed his eyes and pointed at her. "That was rude."

"It's true."

"Seriously Rachel, do you really think that lowly of me?" he gave her a puppy face.

Rachel laughed. "I'm only kidding."

He sighed in relief. "Thank God."

"But seriously, no sex until the wedding," she smiled evilly and retreated down the hall.

"You are a cruel person!" Jason cried after her.

xXx

Suigetsu kicked at a small rock, watching it skip jerkily down the path in front of him. He huffed and put his hands in his pockets, wishing he had at least gotten a _little_ sleep. But no, he just _had_ to tell Sasuke that his last hostage had escaped. He had wanted to see him spazz out, maybe blow something up with chidori or something, just for the sake of frustrating him and for once not being the one at fault.

Well, he had gotten his first wish. Sasuke had spazzed, losing his composure and yelling for all things within a mile radius to hear (a dangerous span when one was a missing-nin). He had very nearly chidori-ed a tree into oblivion too, but then the glow lighting up his hand buzzed out and his calm (aka _emo_) demeanor reappeared.

And then Sasuke had ordered them all to go out and look for the little bitch. Even him, Suigetsu, who had spent the last couple hours going to Konoha and back lugging his heavy sword and being terrorized by flies and listening to songs that made no sense, etc. Stupid twit. Leah, or whatever…

He stopped, furrowing his brow at the ground in frustration.

No, that wasn't fair. He shouldn't blame Leah.

This was all Karin's fault. Yep, that was much better. After all, if Karin hadn't existed, he wouldn't have tried to sneak into her tent to put the aforementioned fly he had finally captured in her tent. And if he hadn't wanted to do that, he wouldn't have noticed that Leah wasn't in the tent. And if he hadn't noticed Leah wasn't in the tent, he wouldn't have wanted to tell Sasuke. And if that hadn't happened…well…he wouldn't be here.

Suigetsu frowned and squinted from the glare of the moon cutting through the trees and looked down again. He kicked another rock, harder this time, 'cause it was bigger. But the rock didn't jump ahead of him and bounce off into the knotted weeds like he had thought it would. It fluttered up in the air, and he nearly fell forward because he had put so much force into the kick and nothing substantial had been there to stop it.

He caught the still-airborne object in his hand. It wasn't a rock or even a leaf. It was a piece of paper. And there was something written on it. Suigetsu squinted at it again, moving back into the light where he had found it so he could read it better. The corners of his mouth turned up sadistically as he read the three little words scribbled hastily across the scrap.

XxX

"Anyone find anything?" Sasuke asked as he paced in front of his three-man squad.

"Sorry, Sasuke, there was nothing there," Karin replied solemnly, shaking her head.

"I didn't see anything either," Juugo affirmed.

Sasuke stopped pacing in front of the still-smiling Suigetsu. "What about you?"

Suigetsu rocked back and forth on his heels, examining his nails. "Nothin' much," he drawled.

Sasuke's face contorted in some kind of downward sneer. He whirled around and exhaled like an angry bull.

"Oh," Suigetsu spoke up, grin widening. "There was _one_ thing. I don't know if it's important though."

"What is it?" the stressed Uchiha demanded. "Show me!"

Suigetsu fumbled with his pockets for a moment like he didn't know where he had put it. Karin glared at him in addition to Sasuke's frustrated snorts, knowing he was doing it on purpose.

"Aha!" He held out a small piece of paper, waggling it triumphantly in front of Sasuke's nose. It was snatched up immediately and the Mist nin hastily withdrew his hands. He nudged Juugo playfully in the ribs and shrugged as if to say 'What's his problem…?'

Five minutes later, Sasuke was still looking at the paper. Karin hesitantly approached him, putting her hand on his shoulder and peeking at the thing he was clenching so tightly in his hands the skin under his nails was almost the same color.

She wiped off her glasses to get a better look at what it said, and scowled.

_Itachi says "Hi"_

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: YAY! I think this is our most perverted chapter yet! And I wasn't much of a victim this time! –hides from Eva's perverted mind-**

**Claire: LEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I LOVE YOUUUUU! –grabs Leah's leg and sobs like a moron-**

**LEAH HELPED ME AND WE FINALLY GOT THE CHAPTER DONE I'M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG I WAS BEING LAZY AND I WROTE WHEN I WAS GUILTY BUT THEN I STOPPED AND I KEPT TALKING TO LEAH AND EVA AND GETTING IDEAS BUT I STILL DIDN'T WRITE AND THEN LEAH SAID SHE WOULD HELP ME AND SHE DID AND THEN WE GOT THE CHAPTER DONE IN TWO DAYS. **

**Leahhhhhhhhhhhhh I love youuuuuuuu. –cries more-**

**Fucking two months for a chapter is ridiculous. Omg I cannot express how…disgusted I am with myself for failing so much. This story is cool…I should always be very eager to write it…bah.**

**But instead I've been doing stupid crap like dying my hair blue and discovering it doesn't show up on top of my un-dyed hair (color stripping thing…gets rid of hair color that you died your hair with but doesn't make your hair your natural color) and then bleaching it and taking tests for my drivers permit and sending my iPod to get fixed and getting my wisdom teeth removed and fighting with my parents and getting depressed and getting sick 'cause Leah's got a contagious disease and sewing things and NOT WRITING.**

**So yeah, I'm busy doing nothing…-glance-**

**-looks at page-**

**DAMMIT. I've been trying to shorten my author's notes because they're soooooo annoying…for me at least, I mean, I don't know how you people put up with them cuz I can't get through them on other people's stor—AUGH I'M DOING IT AGAIN! SHIT!**

**-sniff-**

**I just have so much to say…**

**Eva: XD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I love the last line. I seriously cannot get over it. –scrolls up to read it again- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I'm done now.**

**Yeah. I'm going to be doing most of the writing with the me and Kisame and the fuzzy pink handcuffs. Who knew the little lollipop had it in him? :D**

**But hopefully we'll get the next chapter out sooner because I feel like writing right now, and am actually going to start working on the next chapter right now. 00 –knocks on wood- the laws of the universe will make me eat my….typed words now, but yeah.**

**:D**


	14. Explaining the Review Situation

Claire: Oh shit…I'm so sorry…Um, those of you who can't review on the new chapter because it said you already reviewed…Uhhh we kinda deleted our author's note _chapters_ yesterday too cuz we thought they were kind of pointless and taking up space and stuff and we shouldn't mislead people thinking there were 14 or however many chapters when there were really 12 or 13…(And I'm sorry to the people who STILL maintain that they actually like our author's note chapters, but…I…just…yeah this ties into the whole OCDness thing believe it or not…I must clean and organize everything…even if it's virtual and stuff…)

Um

So

Um

If you still want to review, we'd love to have your feedback on the chapter. :)

SakuNarHina actually sent us a PM, which I personally thought was cool, that our reviewers are so dedicated to us. –hugs you all- So if you want to do that, by all means, do!

With this chapter out we should be back up to the number we were at before, so if you want to combine your review of the last chapter with the next one when we post it, that would be cool too.

_**Or**_ if you just want to be like "Stfu losers, you make it this hard to post reviews, you don't deserve to have them" I'll accept that too.

Yeah this is all my fault. –frying pan'D-

DX

And about the pairings…patience people, we haven't forgotten. Next chapter will be when we officially start.

Uhh…Leah, please say whatever I forgot…I always forget stuff…

Leah: I think you pretty much covered everything. Yeah, sorry about the review issue stuff you should be able to review on the chapter after this current one as Claire said.

Also I remembered that someone asked about my screen name (Nairo). It's not Japanese (in Japanese it means something like 'what color') its something I made up, I liked the name of the city Cairo in Egypt and I need a name for a character so I switch the C with a N and then ta-da! It's Nairo. Very lame yes I know but I was in 5th (6th?) grade so leave me alone the name just kinda stuck.

Eva: Okay, well this is going to be relatively short both because Claire pretty much said it all, and because I'm having to write this on my phone which is annoying. But yeah, we're sorry for the inconvenience this has caused, but blame Claire's OCDness. -Punches her virtually-

We're hoping to get the next chapter out before school starts for us on the 2nd, so hopefully you'll see it then. If you don't though, please don't get mad at us. T.T

Claire: Huh?! o.o

But the second is in…-counts- LIKE 10 DAYS!

Um. Yeah, that's not an official estimation!

Although it would be cool…

-sigh-…Gee, _thanks_ Eva…


	15. Yet another hiatus cuz we suck

Claire: They're making me go first…

Claire: They're making me go first…

-sigh-

The thing with this fanfiction is, I really like it…but…we've all just been doing it for too long. And I feel like I have the most right to say that since I write the most :

But I still like this story, so I don't want to rush to the end just for the sake of finishing it. Still, it's really hard to write when we're all so unmotivated…I'm sure you've noticed due to the increasing one or two month gap between each of them. We have things planned out, but it's just hard to write them.

EVA NEEDS TO STOP PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH ME CUZ ITS ALREADY HARD TO REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY IN THIS!!

Eva: You're right…being turned on makes you forget things…:

Claire: …I think she gets creepier by the second or something.

Whatever. Eva and Leah keep distracting me just by _talking_ so I already forgot stuff…-picks nose-

Oh…right…we were debating whether or not to post this cuz Leah said it would make us lose readers if we said we weren't gonna post again for like…4-6 or however many months it takes for us to get un-bored with this.

But I know you guys are already getting really frustrated with us cuz we keep taking forever but that's just how it is…So I thought we should officially take a break and stuff…

Plus we're trying to get used to school starting, something I'm sure you all know about (although I could write at least three pages on the hell I had to go through in the first three weeks to get my classes changed to the right ones)

Eva: Hi. Well, Claire pretty much said it all (despite my attempts at distracting her with sexy footsie-ness so she would forget something and leave me more than rambling to say…….)

Leah's high or something again. She's going on about how she likes to eat babies for breakfast because they're soft and chewy (she doesn't like the intestines though).

I got a skull and named it Risu-chan. I enjoy this concept.

But yeah. Back to topic-ness—

Woah. Leah just said she had pot munchies. BAD LEAH! BAD! –hits her-

Leah: SHE HIT ME!! –cries-

Claire: …Fyi: Pot Munchies are something we (along with my mother…) created about half an hour ago at Subway. Apparently you get hungry when you smoke pot but my mom calls it 'the munchies', a phrase I find odd when associated with pot…

Oh, and Pot Munchies are also a type of cereal now.

AmyDylanSohiaAniki people (I will NEVER type your name properly). You remind me of us. Specifically, Aniki reminds me of me, Amy reminds me of Eva, and Dylan reminds me of Leah. And Sohia reminds me of a cross between me and Eva. All of you…feel special.

Oh yeah, Dylan, Leah wants you now. I guess it's some sort of…self-obsession…incestuous thing…I dunno, but when we first figured it out Leah was high on cupcakes so this whole process was much creepier.

Although Eva and Leah are both being rather pervy right now.

Eva: Says the person who just pushed me off of a chair onto Leah and went "69!!"

…

…

…

It was hot though.

Claire: Oh god…please, please ignore all the creepy stuff in this…she's been corrupting me. And I mostly said it to make Leah like…awkward-ish. :)

Anyway Leah wants to kidnap Kenneth…And this is like the fourth time she's said it in 12 hours. –shrug-

Ummmm my hair's blue! :D

I think I'm just trying to get distracted from writing this depressing-ish author's note chapter thing…

Arg, and again I have violated the rule where we weren't going to post any more of these…

Oh well…I'm not deleting it again once we finish cuz it screws up the reviews…

-ramble ramble-

Oh wait no I remembered something else! (Yeah, it never ends)

I was gonna talk about pairings. AGAIN. Ughhh. But yes, talking about them. Everyone keeps telling us "I like this pairing or that pairing!" or "Oh well, I think ClairexHidan and LeahxDeidara are fine but EvaxKisame needs work".

In regards to my first lameish unquote thing, um…the polls have already sort of closed on that. So…thanks, but…uh…yes…the pairings are the ones listed in the second thing.

And about the second thing…

…

…

We _know_…Like, really, we've been talking about how to work on the characterization and stuff. But seriously, the reason we were so anti-pairing is because most OcxCharacterfromshow pairings are SEVERELY underdeveloped. Like, at or below the level of characterization we have for ClairexHidan and LeahxDeidara. So, people who think those pairings are fine now, prepare to be frustrated because we're still gonna do more characterizing before that actually goes anywhere.

Yep.

Now I stop.

Leah: HI EVERYBODY! I'm Leah and I'm hyper for no reason. And Claire's keyboard is strange.

Also, Eva and Claire keep wanting to molest me 'cause I'm so sexy –flips hair….sexily-

Claire: …Whatever Haru. P.S…You're sitting on my spleen. It hurts like fucking hell.

Leah: You know you like it.

Claire: Eva is the masochist!

The Masochist: I agree with Leah. Claire likes it. It hurts so good, amirite?

Claire: Die in a ditch. It only works when Jason says it.

Does anyone have anything of actual _importance_ to say in this before we shut the fuck up and let the flames burn us alive? (pun…hah)

Leah: JASON! That reminds me, Jason reminds me of Spencer from iCarly. OMG! I said 'remind' twice in one sentence!

…

…

-sniff-

Eva and Claire ditched me 'cause I type slow –cries-.

OH WELL!

Anyways, really sorry about this whole thing. I don't have much confidence in my writing abilities and I depend on the other two to write for me 'cause I'm just the idea person.

We'll probably have other fanfictions coming out soon though, so if you're one of the people who are on the author alert list thingy you'll have that to look forward to.

…

…

Yeah, I don't have much else to say.

I'm gonna go beat the crap out of Claire and Eva for ditching me.

Toodle Loo!

Claire: You only noticed the remind thing cuz I _reminded_ you about it. And we ditched you cuz you type so slow we have too many opportunities to interrupt you, and then this thing would never get done.

Oh yeah…I was writing like…two fanfictions…or three even…and Evas writing a bunch…and we were gonna write some together…Hopefully they get posted though…eh…moo…

They've gone back to the molestation party. Oooookayyy……

I'm gonna punch Leah in the head. She just took eight years off my hearing.

And I'm gonna make Eva say something serious and not pervy to end this with…

Eva: -is at loss for words temporarily-

Not…pervy…-has trouble comprehending-

Okay though, _**seriously**_**….**

I want to apologize for this whole thing with hiatus. But I think in the long run, it's going to be a lot better. So…sorry…-embarrassed-

Claire: Okay that failed so I'll just ruin it even more.

POT MUNCHIES!!

(We suck…Sorry)


	16. DO NOT MURDER PLEASE!

**DO NOT MURDER. THIS IS AN EXPLANATION, NOT A CHAPTER.**

Claire: askldfjlkasdfklasdflsad I'm so glad you people don't know where we live cuz if you did I'm sure you'd kill us in our sleep. D:

BUT SINCE THE NAGGING HAS BEEN GETTING MORE FREQUENT, I FEEL LIKE MAKING EXCUSES—er…explaining why we haven't posted, I mean…

But really, we did tell you we were going on the hiatus…this was the point, yes? HAVE NONE OF YOU EVER EXPERIENCED WRITER'S BLOCK?!??!?!?!?LDSJKLSAL FJSLKADJFLASJFLKASDSJF

NO. Wait, I'm sorry D: I should be nice to you people for actually sticking with this story even though it's been so freaking long. You guys are amazing and have amazing patience and loyalty and stuff…you're all so awesome.

**SO HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: **We started out with just plotting really simply what would happen in the next chapters. Then we filled in more details and wonderfully ridiculous things, working out the kinks in our plot along the way….

Meanwhile, Leah's computer, which has been failing at life for about…a year and a half…finally got replaced for Christmas. I mean seriously, the thing is a piece of junk. You pick it up and the top half detaches from the bottom part, except for a few wires and stuff.

Right…point is, Leah got this beautiful shiny new HP. It was lovely. So we got the files onto that computer via email and stuff and finished plotting TO THE END OF THE FUCKING STORY. ASDKFJASLDFJLSJDKFJSODKFJASODIFUSAODFJASDLFKJASODRJFIASDFJOKJILJLKSADLIFJASOIDFHPASOIHRWSIOEHJAODKFJAPSOEIKJSAOKFJASASJDOIFJSOIASKJDFOSPIJFOSDJFOKADSJLFISDPJFIOSADHFOISDHYFIHSDSKDI

And then it broke.

It was like two weeks old…and it just…stopped…turning on…

She says they probably have to wipe the hard drive.

So it's gone.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I really want to cry………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

FUCKING ALKSDFJLKSDFLASJJOSADIFOIHASDHFHJDS THIS IS ALL BECAUSE LEAH NEVER EMAILS ME THINGS WHEN I TELL H ER TO. AKLSDFJL;ASOJFWAHOEIPHPOIASHOIDSOHSAODIHL;DKFJASDOFUWAJIFJILSKFJKSADJFPOIS;FJOIAS[ZJ;DKASJDFOIASJDPIOASJDFPOIJSDSZOJIHEZFPOIHFHOISADFJOPASIDKJF;ASDJF I TELL HER LIKE EIGHT MILLION FUCKING TIMES WHEN IM LEAVING AND SHE SAYS SHE WILL AND THEN I GET HOME AND TWO HOURS LATER SHE STILL HASN'T SO I CALL HER AND GET PISSED AND SHE SAYS 'Oh well were just going to work on it more tomorrow so I don't feel like it…'

Asklajfjl;kdfhlsehi;ljsdlldshjlda;jlfaskjfilsjdsOJDKASHDFPIOqhewoipsdhafpoiasuhdposafeihAQPKWD;LHFA;ISDUFHZSPODIJFADOF;JHDSSZEIOH;DZKLXCJVHNASOIDHFSDODDFHZOX[XPSLHDJLAIOSDHOASIDHFASOFIHASHIDHASHOWAL;EHILHDFHLISADFLHDHFHAOISFHOIASIFOHSDFHSDLKSFKAJLFKJSAOIDFJASOIFSAFJLKSDJFLKASDIJOFIO

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Okay no, I shouldn't blame Leah. This is probably my fault…I should have known no matter how shiny and new that computer was it couldn't withstand Leah's computer curse….

-dies-

So…please…have a tiny…tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny iota of mercy…

I'm going to have a nervous breakdown but Eva reminded me Leah has a good memory…and Leah says she remembers most of it…I really…really hope its true….

AND IT'S MIDTERMS WEEK AGAIN TOO!!!! D:

I'll go sob hysterically now…

Leah: -cries as well- I'm really super sorry. And, and, and, yeah, this must really suck for you guys.

Um, I'm gonna try to start up on writing the plot out again after all my difficult midterms are over….damn chemistry and math.

Thanks so much for being so patient with us and sticking with us and stuff. –hugs readers-

On the bright side, Durham has been groomed for the first time in about a year and he smells nice and he doesn't have crap on his ass anymore :D

Claire: And for all of you who keep asking why Eva isn't in our author's note things. Guh. She basically just gave up…she gets bored with things easily. But after much nagging and violence I sort of convinced her to try and help finish.

-remembers the lost story line-

-SOB-

Leah: And, I discovered yesterday, that bees have penises :D

Claire: I'm still afraid…please, dwell on the bee penises instead of our fail :(

Leah: Damn, now I wonder if they have vaginas too…

Claire: Thank you, Leah……………………………….


	17. Annoyances and Christmas Presents

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: She acts all brave and is like 'FINE, we're posting the chapter NOW' and then she says 'you go first'…**

**All I'm going to say here is: **_**WE'RE SORRY IF THERE ARE ANY INCONSISTENCIES BETWEEN THIS CHAPTER AND THE NEXT ONES. WE'LL TRY TO FIX THEM AND WE'LL SAY SOMETHING IF WE DO.**_

**-Scurries away in fear-**

**Leah: Guess what today is?! Druggie day! Hug a druggie! **

**-ahem- Okay, so, here is a chapter that took wayyyyyy too long to get out but whatever! It's here now! –dances poorly-**

**I'm sure you really don't care about why we haven't updated but I'm going to tell you anyways!**

**We're lazy and school sucks! Also my mother is a bitch, and my laptop broke (twice) and is now fixed, we've been getting ready for Fanime (look out for me, I'm the girliest Allen Walker evar!), lots of tests, etc. etc. etc.**

**SUMMARY OF THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER:**

**Eva wakes up at the hideout and is bored, so she explores and finds fuzzy pink handcuffs.**

**Charli tries to cope with the Konoha people and tells Jason the Akatsuki were a biker gang. **

**Tobi reveals the existence of the pink handcuffs because he was eavesdropping. Everyone is trying to figure out who they belong to so Pein gets mad, orders Tobi to make them shut up, and for some reason he puts them on Eva and Kisame. **

**Rachel denies Jason sex until after the wedding :)**

**Suigetsu finds Leah's note**

Chapter 13:

Hidan kissed Claire. It had been an accident. A complete and total accident. But it had happened, and it had been Hidan's fault. If only he hadn't woken up three hours earlier than usual; if only he hadn't done just _one_ ritual before wanting to do something else; if only he had spent more time going though the closet in search of better entertainment; if only he hadn't gotten so bored he had _organized_ said closet; if only that hadn't reminded him of a certain redhead's compulsive (and apparently contagious) need to organize and clean everything.

If only that hadn't prompted him to have the thought to go wake her up….

He leaned over the couch, one hand on the back cushions to support his weight. Carefully, he positioned his face directly above hers so she would be able to appreciate the full force of his yell to get the fuck up. But he leaned a little too far and triggered an unfortunate chain of events: his hand slipped, causing him to hit his chest hard against the stiff backing of the couch, head following suit. His momentum finally came to a halt by the contact of his mouth and hers.

So Hidan kissed Claire.

It took him nearly two seconds to realize what had happened. Panicked, he quickly jerked his head and drew his lips into a straight line, as if in an attempt to hide the evidence. Claire stared at him, as awake as anyone could possibly be. Hidan stared back uncomfortably. They stared at each other for a good ten seconds, trying to comprehend the event.

Claire was too angry to be upset. She was just as shocked as Hidan, if not more so, being the victim.

Claire was the first to talk. "Okay, I'm just going to skip the 'what the fuck', just for the sake of…I don't know…but I'm just going to skip it…."

Hidan nodded slowly. "Okay…" He sighed and straightened up, rubbing the back of his neck.

She shook her head violently. "Wait, no, never mind. What the _fuck_?!" She propped herself on her elbows and glared at the overly religious freak.

"I was fucking _bored_ and I did a bunch of stuff but it was like three in the morning and fucking everything and—" he babbled, most of it being incoherent since he was talking like a distressed teenage preppy girl.

"Okay never mind! Ah, fuck, I don't want to know. Just go stab yourself or whatever it is you do." Claire pulled the blanket over her head.

"Okay."

"_This _never happened," she added for good measure.

"Yeah," he muttered as he head back towards his room, waving a hand distractedly. "I have to…go check something…"

Claire rubbed her hand viciously against her mouth before stuffing her head under the pillow and trying to go back to sleep, ignoring the violent pounding in her chest and the blush heating her face.

Xxx

_The previous night…_

It was official, Kisame hated Tobi. For several hours, Kisame and Eva had been desperately trying to free themselves from the perverted fuzzy pink _thing _that connected them against their will.

They had tried to saw it apart. That didn't work. They had tried to melt the chain, but they had burnt their hands without even singeing the metal. Kisame had even tried to use his oversized toilet paper-clad sword to sever the chain, but due to the odd angle and the small distance between each cuff, that had also failed miserably. They couldn't find another sword that might fill the criteria either. They had asked the others for help, but no one knew what they could do, and in any case it was more fun to laugh. As annoying as it was, Eva and Kisame both knew if the situation was reversed they'd be equally unsympathetic, so they didn't hold it against their companions.

Kisame sighed as he dragged Eva into his bedroom by the wrist. They didn't really have a choice but to share. Eva was personally fine with this…not that she was going to admit it.

"So how's this going to work?" she asked slowly, staring at Kisame's unmade twin sized bed that barely looked big enough to accommodate Kisame himself.

Kisame puffed his cheeks and let the air out slowly, looking to the walls as if they would tell him the answers. He was tired and didn't feel like being a smartass at the moment, so he answered seriously. "I think we should set up a bed right next to mine and we could just sleep with our arms hanging across."

Eva nodded slowly. "That sounds like it could work. Do we have an extra bed though?"

Kisame frowned, remembering that Leah had the spare bedroom Claire was sleeping on the couch due to that same problem. "No…"

"Do you think we could get Deidara to share his bed with Leah so we can have hers?"

Kisame laughed. "We could convince Deidara no problem, but Leah's a different story."

"True…" Eva added unhelpfully.

"We could wait 'til she's asleep. She won't notice if I picked her up and gave her to Deidara since she sleeps like a hibernating bear," he suggested, actually looking serious.

Damn, she had actually kind of been hoping to share a bed with Kisame. "Deidara would molest her though," she pointed out.

"Do you really care?"

Eva paused. "Leah—"

"Even if he _did _molest her, though he probably won't, do you think Leah would be able to be mad for long? Or even notice? The answer is no. Let's go talk to Deidara." Having made the decision without much of Eva's input he led her out of his bedroom.

Eva really hated that Kisame walked so damn ninja-fast; she had to jog a little every few steps just to keep up with him. The bright side was that she was getting a bit of exercise, which would usually be good but was unwelcome at the moment due to the time of day...and she was lazy.

The door to Deidara's room was shut but light shined through between the cold stone floor and the bottom of the wooden plank. Kisame knocked. "Deidara, open up."

"I'm busy, un!" he replied, sounding frustrated.

"I need your help with something." Kisame said. He tried to open the door but it was locked.

They heard Deidara sigh. "I already explained that if I blow up the chain your hands are coming off with it. If you'd both like to be minus one hand, then—"

"It's not that you blonde retard! Stop masturbating or whatever it is you're doing and open the damn door!" Kisame demanded. Eva snorted at his having said 'masturbating'. The blue man gave her an odd look but sensibly decided not to comment.

Deidara grumbled to himself audibly. He unlocked the door and opened it not quite wide enough to let them in, but plenty wide to glare at them. "I was working on my new bird design for your information, un."

Kisame didn't waste time arguing with the crazy blonde terrorist. "Whatever. We have a deal for you."

Deidara leaned against the doorframe and stared the pair with one light blue eye. "Go on."

Kisame coughed into his free fist awkwardly, trying to think of how to explain the situation without phrasing it in a way that the two adjacent idiots would interpret as perverted. "We're having trouble with sleeping arrangements…"

"That's nice, un."

"Our possible solution might benefit you…"

Eva tapped her foot impatiently, wondering why Kisame wasn't getting straight to the point. She was really tired from trying to keep up with him, and just wanted to sleep. Her agitation was increased by Kisame's gestures that were meant to help illustrate his point to Deidara, but were only succeeding in jerking her arm around like a limp strand of rope.

"So basically Deidara, we need you to—" Kisame began to conclude.

"Basically, Deidara, we need you to sleep with Leah." Eva finished sharply.

Both Akatsuki members stared at her, Kisame giving her a classic look of horrification while Deidara's face was utterly unreadable.

She blinked up at Deidara, his reaction being the more unprecedented. She laughed nervously. "It's nothing too serious, it's just until Kisame and I get these handcuffs off! I'm sure Leah will be fine with it!" Eva defended.

Kisame dragged his hand down his face in exasperation. How he had managed to underestimate Eva's stupidity was beyond him…his expectations were already pathetically low. Deidara finally smiled and abruptly hung his head, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

"Wait what's so funny? All I asked you to do was—oh! God I'm slow today. Heh heh." She laughed nervously again.

Kisame sighed, shaking his head. "Eva, you shouldn't be allowed to talk. Ever. In fact, since I'm going to be chained to you for a while, let's make that a rule." He paused. "As I was saying before the idiot interrupted me, with our situation it'd be easiest and most comfortable to have an extra bed. Leah's bed is the only extra one, but she needs it. So it would be cool if you guys could share a bed for a couple days."

Surprisingly, Deidara was a little reluctant on the offer. "Why don't you two just share a bed?"

"No." Kisame replied flatly. Eva felt insulted.

Deidara clicked his tongue and wiped some of the ink on his hands on his pajama pants absently. Apparently he was too lost in thought to care about the odd stains they were leaving. Or maybe he actually just didn't care. "Do you honestly think Leah would agree?"

"Do you honestly think Leah is strong-willed enough to disagree?" Kisame scoffed. Before Deidara could say anything else, Kisame declared that they were going to go get Leah, pulling Eva down the hall once again and leaving it up to the slightly confused Deidara to follow.

As predicted, it didn't take long to convince Leah to let them use her bed. She felt bad for both of them and couldn't bring herself to say no. even though the sleeping arrangements that would follow because of her accommodating nature would be incredibly uncomfortable.

"Can't I sleep on the couch Eva slept on last night?" she half-whined to Deidara after they had moved the bed into Kisame's room. Fortunately the beds were the same height, so they beds could be put together and neither of them would have to put their arm at an awkward angle. With a bed's-worth of space each, they'd be able together without it seeming that the other one was ever there…probably.

"You could if Hidan and Kakuzu hadn't snapped it in half…" Kisame reminded her. Hidan had been being himself, which, naturally pissed Kakuzu off. While this wasn't something abnormal, it had resulted in the death of an innocent couch again.

"Right…" Leah said slowly, remembering.

Deidara announced that he was tired, so he was going to go to bed. "Come on, Leah," he commanded.

Leah whimpered unhappily but followed Deidara out of the room.

Kisame yawned that they should probably go to sleep too, and Eva agreed silently. They struggled a little bit trying to get on the beds, but managed after a few minutes without injuring themselves too much. Kisame turned off the light switch next to his bed once both of them were under their separate blankets.

Kisame bid Eva good night. She rolled on her side so she was facing Kisame since that was the only way she could turn without pulling on the chain. "Hey, Kisame?"

"Hmm?"

"You think Leah will be okay?"

"She'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

All was quiet. Eva listened hard for anything other than their breathing. She heard a loud moaning noise that seemed to come from nothing but the hideout itself. She was a little freaked out until she remembered most buildings did that. She briefly wondered why, but thinking made her head hurt so she stopped. "Hey, Kisame?"

He grumbled. "What?"

"Whose handcuffs do you think these are?"

"Ours. Go to sleep."

It wasn't long before Eva began talking again. She asked if Konan and Pein had any 'relations'. Kisame said he didn't know. She asked him why buildings made weird noises sometimes. He said he didn't know. She asked him what dog food tasted like. He didn't know. The she asked him what fish food tasted like, what religion he practiced, why he was blue, what music he liked, if he thought Hidan and Claire secretly loved each other. To each question, Kisame said he did not know. She asked if he thought if Leah was being molested by Deidara at that very moment…He said probably. Then he told her to shut up or he'd kill her. She didn't say another word, even when she remembered more questions to ask him, like if he felt like a cannibal when he ate fish. She resolved to interrogate him in the morning.

Xxx

Leah relaxed a tiny bit after about twenty minutes, though she was still practically hanging off the bed in an effort to be as far from him as possible. But now that she had relaxed enough, she was thinking, so she remembered something.

"Deidara, something's been bugging me…" she muttered, still staring at the ceiling.

Deidara lifted his head off his pillow slightly and turned it so he could see her. "Un?"

"Why did you have ink all over your pants…?"

The blonde slowly dropped back down to the pillow, feeling slightly disappointed for some reason he didn't know. Then he flipped up the sheet and stared down at his legs. His gray pants had splotches of black ink all over them. "Dammit…" he grumbled. "When Kisame knocked on the door I was doing a design and I accidentally squeezed too hard and my pen exploded," he explained irritably.

"…Were you writing with your legs…?"

"What the hell? No! I wiped my hands on my pants…"

"Okay." Half an hour of silence passed. Leah slowly inched herself on to the bed. Being only partially on it was really uncomfortable, and she _was_ still pretty far away from Deidara. "Are you asleep yet?"

Deidara sighed and shifted a little. "Go to sleep Leah, I'm not gonna do anything."

"Ehh…I don't care…I'm not going to sleep."

"If you don't go to sleep, you'll be tired and an easier target for me."

"But…"

The artist sat up, looking tired and exasperated. "Think of it this way: If I _do_ decide to do something, do you really think you'd be able to stop me?"

"Ehh-hehhhh," Leah cried pitifully.

Deidara took that as some sort of resignation, and, figuring his job was done, lay down one last time. Once he was snuggled up under his covers again, he grabbed the back of Leah's shirt and jerked her over so she was only a foot away from him, but at least two away from the side. "And don't sleep there, you'll fall off."

Leah spent the rest of the night completely still.

Xxx

_Current time…_

"Kisame? Eva?" Konan's voice called gently. It was around noon when Pein had mandated it was time that they got their asses out of bed. She stepped into the room completely and closed the door behind her. Neither Kisame nor Eva stirred in the slightest.

"Aw…that's cute." Konan smiled. She stared at them for a few more seconds before deciding to share the cuteness with everyone else. In a way it was also revenge for both of them claiming that she and Pein were having some sort of sexual relations.

A few minutes later she returned with Deidara, Tobi, Leah, and Claire. The others had offered their various excuses; that they were sleeping, working, etc. Konan randomly noticed Claire was avoiding Hidan like he had a flesh-eating virus that he had contracted by having sex with a rabid unicorn on steroids, and decided she would look into that later.

Tobi clasped his hands together with delight when he saw the handcuffed pair. "Aw, you're right Konan! They look adorable!" he said with almost sadistic happiness.

Over the night Kisame had migrated onto Eva's bed since the gap was only big enough for Eva not to be able to roll over and fall through. Kisame, being a naturally large person, was able to cross it while staying at the same altitude. Eva's forehead was resting against Kisame's chest and their arms tangled with each other between them, Kisame's big hands covering one of hers in an almost protective manner.

"Hey Kisame! Eva! Wake up, un!" Deidara called from the doorway where he was still standing. Leah laughed, imagining their reactions when they realized how they had been sleeping. She pictured both of them freaking out and falling off the bed. Or even better, just one of them falling off the bed and dragging the other down with them.

Kisame opened his eyes groggily and was met with a mass of blue and blonde hair. He shut his eyes tight and blinked a few times, trying to get used to the light in his room. Then he noticed the people standing in the doorway and Tobi running around pretending to take pictures of them.

Eva blinked her eyes open and didn't recognize where she was. All she saw was a big man next to her and she felt her hand being held a bit too tightly to be comfortable. Then she screamed and pushed at Kisame in fright. As a result, Kisame yelled as well and sat up quickly, both of them trying to get away from each other. They kicked the blankets and knocked pillows off the beds in their futile attempt to put some distance between them.

As Leah had secretly hoped, they both ended up falling off the bed. The onlookers laughed at the handcuffed pair.

"Nice…" Claire said as she watched the two try to stand up. They failed and ended up on the floor again. Lack of cooperation hadn't worked yesterday and it sure as hell wasn't working for now.

The other Akatsuki members, having heard all the commotion echoing throughout the hideout, had eventually vetoed their previous decisions not to get involved and had gathered around the doorway as well. The only exception was Hidan, who was reading his weird religious books and couldn't be disturbed even if Itachi had set his hair on fire.

"Kisame, what are you doing?" Zetsu asked. "_It looks like pedophilia from this angle,_" he added.

Kisame managed to maneuver himself into a kneeling position. He glared at the blank-faced and innocent Zetsu. "Not cool," Kisame said, though he was too tired to actually argue with the plant man. He helped Eva to her knees as well. Once they were both kneeling they got to their feet without much difficulty. Eva was struck by a small sense of accomplishment while Kisame was hit by a fresh wave of shame at being stuck to a teenager more than ten years his junior.

Tobi, meanwhile, had begun retelling the tale of how Kisame and Eva were sleeping in the same bed and 'cuddling' and 'holding hands'. Kisame vowed to start writing down his reasons to kill the masked orange bastard instead.

Before he could act on this thought or even skip a step and get straight to homicide, Hidan rushed down the hall with a look of utter horror marring his pretty face. Under his arm he carried his gargantuan bible, one of his fingers jammed between the pages as a place marker. "Claire! I—"

"Ah great, everybody's here." Pein emerged out of nowhere, having been smart enough to wait for everyone to gather in the same location instead of going through the trouble of rounding them up. "You are all going on missions."

"What?!" Hidan yelled, still in a panic. "No, I thought you said we had until fucking New Years off! It's the twenty-fucking-sixth! We have—"

"Well, since you've all been getting rather disobedient and irritating lately I figured you were in need of some discipline. Happy belated Christmas." Pein said. He took pulled a few tan sheets of paper out from his cloak and handed one to Deidara, one to Kakuzu, and one to Itachi. "You're going with your teams and one of the girls. The missions are to be completed before New Years. Understood?"

"_What_?!" Hidan yelled again. "Why the hell are we bringing those idiots?"

"Yeah Leader, the girls might get hurt." Tobi said worriedly.

Itachi raised an eyebrow slightly as he read the mission. "They will just hold us back."

"Yeah, no offense to any of you—not that there's anyway you could deny this—but you'd all be more of a hindrance than a help," Kisame stated blankly.

"Well, you for one don't have a choice in the matter," Konan pointed out. She pointed to the fuzzy pink handcuffs that attached Kisame to Eva. Kisame tugged the chain half-heartedly and sighed in defeat.

"I'm personally in agreement with everyone else…You seriously want the three of us to go on dangerous missions with the members of one of the strongest organizations of this world? You do remembered that we're non-ninja weaklings who sit around computers all day, right?" Claire asked incredulously.

"Yes, I want you three to go on the missions," Pein affirmed, more or less ignoring Claire's excellent points about their non-qualifications.

"We're going to die," Leah whimpered. She looked at Leader with unintentional puppy dog eyes.

Leader ignored her look but not the comment. "I'm paying these guys extra to _try _to keep you from getting violently murdered. But there's no guarantees," he said honestly.

"That's reassuring." Eva muttered, even though she knew she was probably the safest of the group since if she died it was likely Kisame was going down with her, and it didn't seem like he would allow that.

Pein turned around as if to walk out of the room, but paused halfway to the door. "Read over the missions, and if you have any questions, ask Zetsu. Good luck."

For the next couple of minutes they stood there, each team huddling over their papers. Leah and Claire stood with Zetsu and Konan since neither of them wanted to claim a team to go with, though they pretty much knew who they'd be forced to accompany in the end.

Deidara flipped over the paper to make sure there wasn't a backside to it and then pointed at Leah with his eyes still on the mission sheet. "Definitely taking Leah, un," he said definitively and motioned for her to come read the sheet.

She did as ordered and read over the details of the mission, frowning in horror as she reached the end. "No way," she said.

"Yes way, un. Go pack some stuff and meet Tobi and me outside. Tobi, pack some things for yourself and me while I get the bird ready," Deidara ordered.

Tobi saluted him. "Yes sir Deidara-senpai!" On his way out of the room he also urged Leah to gather her things. Konan offered her an authoritarian look, and Leah was forced to comply.

Claire had attempted t hide herself behind Konan and Zetsu while pointedly analyzing the texture on the wall. These efforts were as pointless as she had known they would be, and Kakuzu called her over to review their mission. Kakuzu was actually grateful in the smallest way that she would be coming, considering he would be getting extra pay and she and Hidan would keep each other occupied and out of his hair.

Kakuzu handed her the sheet. "It shouldn't be too bad. Just collecting some money from some guy named Daichi Nishimura in Kusagakure…"

Hidan leaned over to Claire and whispered. "Money collecting gets pretty violent with Kakuzu…"

Claire scoffed, attempting to ignore the rush of embarrassment she felt at having been acknowledged by him. Hidan seemed to have forgotten anyway, the man whore, so she figured she could just respond normally. "I think between the two of you, making pudding could get violent."

"What kind?"

"…Tapioca."

"Very violent," Hidan said. He stretched his arms behind his head and said that he had to pack. Kakuzu gave Claire a time limit to meet him outside the hideout. Claire grumbled, knowing well that she was going to over pack, and headed to Leah's room where she had stored her things.

Itachi just stared at Kisame and Eva, his genius brain obviously working very hard to find a way to get out of this.

"Itachi, you have to take them," Zetsu said, smiling a little at the Uchiha's misfortune.

Itachi kept staring at the handcuffed pair with menacing eyes. "Don't screw up," he said, vanishing from the room with a dramatic swish of his cloak.

Having overseen the initiation of each mission, Konan and Zetsu left the room as well. Though they knew one of Pein's goals for ridding the hideout of idiots had been his own peace of mind, he had also expressed a desire to discuss something with them. What, exactly, he hadn't said. But they were willing to be that it had to do with eradicating their California base of unwelcome Konoha ninja.

Xxx

It took Leah and Tobi a half an hour to get all packed up and meet Deidara outside the hideout where he was giving his oversized clay bird a test flight. When he saw them he had the bird land a couple of feet in front of him, eyeing them both casually.

"Pretty bird." Leah commented. She touched the powdery white surface of its beak cautiously.

Deidara grinned. "Thank you. It's a new design. It should be faster than some of my older models." He patted the clay bird fondly.

Leah cleared her throat. "So how am I going to stay on the bird? I don't have chakra like you guys and—"

Deidara waved his hand dismissively. "I've got it figured out, don't worry, un. Tobi, put the bags in its beak. We don't want them to cause any drag."

Deidara pulled Leah up onto the bird while the two of them took a couple minutes to make some final preparations. She took the mission sheet out of her pocket again and read it for lack of something better to do.

'_Location: Northern Kirigakure ; Time required: Four days maximum; Mission Level: S; Objective: Find Yuuto Wakahisa. S-class missing nin. Has a scar on the left side of face from eye to ear, black hair, brown eyes. He's a known womanizer and gambler. He most likely will be in Takaro, which is famous in Kirigakure for its nightlife. His skills and techniques are unknown to us, but he is undoubtedly powerful and dangerous. Stealth is imperative; fighting is strongly discouraged._

_Merry Chistmas,_

_Leader.'_

Leader sure knew how to be a total jackass. Leah still had no idea why it was so important she was on this mission, but she had a feeling it was some kind of joke or a ply to piss her off. Still, Leader wouldn't have done something like this without too much of a reason, so the assassination part of the mission had to be true. That made it worse, of course, since she didn't want to be around when Deidara killed some guy. Death disturbed her. Very much so.

"So what am I going to be doing?" Leah asked, holding up the mission sheet. Deidara hopped onto the bird and tied a safety rope around Leah's waist and around himself. He knew he wouldn't fall off so as long as Leah was attached to him she wouldn't either.

Deidara seated himself for a moment in from of Leah and cut off the excess rope with a kunai. "Well, you are a very important part to the success of this mission, un. Leader says what's-his-face's a total womanizer and Leah, you are a hot girl. Get it?"

Leah blinked, stunned silent. He wanted her to…oh dear…that would not work…at all….

While Leah was still trying to comprehend Deidara's plan Tobi had gotten on the bird behind her. She was confused that she was the only one sitting down…Even if they were ninjas, they had to recognize sitting down would be safer than standing and exposing their whole selves to the dangers of flying.

Deidara made a seal with his hands and the bird lifted off. Leah hugged Deidara's leg in fear as she watched the hideout turn from a mountain to a mere pebble below them. What had been giant burnt trees looked like a bunch of toothpicks. Leah whimpered and clawed at Deidara's pant leg.

He laughed. "Stand up, it's not bad!" he yelled over the roar of the wind.

"Hell no! I'll fall!" Leah protested.

Deidara apparently didn't like that answer. He pulled his leg away and turned around. He pulled Leah to her feet and wrapped her arms around his waist, despite Leah's loud shrieks and whines.

"I don't feel safe!" she screamed, clutching at Deidara's cloak for dear life.

Deidara ignored her and turned around in her grip. Leah had no choice but to remain standing now, which was probably much more comfortable for Deidara than it was for her. He just didn't like her clawing at his leg.

Tobi laughed and patted the brunette on the shoulder. "Leah it's fun! Like surfing!" Tobi jumped and assumed a surfing pose.

Leah screamed again and buried her face into Deidara's back. She felt Deidara shaking with laughter. She considered punching him in the gut but that would require moving one of her hands for a brief moment, which was something she really didn't want to risk.

"Why do I have to flirt with the dude!" Leah shouted awkwardly after about another fifteen minutes of flight. She'd have preferred to mumble since it would better portray her misgivings about this whole event, but seeing as they were on a giant clay bird doomed to explosion at high speeds, it wasn't possible.

"Well, Leah-san is the only one who's a girl," Tobi led off, "so…"

Leah gulped. She had expected that response. That didn't mean she was just going to accept it though. "Yeah…I definitely can't do that."

"What?" Deidara yelled over his shoulder.

Leah sighed and closed her eyes. "I AM NOT GOING TO THROW MYSELF AT THE RANDOM NINJA GUY YOU WANT TO KILL."

He blinked at her with his visible eye and Tobi cocked his head to the side. "Why?"

"B-because!" Leah spluttered indignantly.

"Because why?" He held a hand cupped against his ear to emphasize his induced deafness.

"CAN WE LAND FOR A SECOND?"

Deidara rolled his eye and began to descend.

None of them bothered getting off, but the two Akatsuki members turned to face Leah inquisitively.

"Okay, _what_ were you saying?"

"I think Leah-san said she wasn't going to help us with the mission," Tobi informed his mentor quietly.

"Um…not exactly…I'm just not going to do…the main part…" Leah added vaguely.

"That's obvious," Deidara snorted. "No one expects you to kill anyone. As if you could, un…"

"Not _that_ main part…although I won't do that either…The _other_ main part…"

"Finding Wakahisa-san?" Tobi suggested.

"No! Flirting with the dude." Leah clarified.

Deidara stared. "Why not? I already explained you're the perfect person to do that. I don't really have a brilliant plan B yet. Any suggestions?" he asked condescendingly.

Leah stuttered. "You do it! I don't know."

Deidara stared at her. "He's a womanizer, not a fag, un."

Tobi clapped his hands together. "I like Leah's plan! We should make Deidara be the girl!"

Leah hadn't said that…or had she? Either way, she liked that idea better than her making a fool of herself in front of a dangerous ninja.

"Fuck no! You're the one who acts like a total fag! You should be the girl!" Deidara shouted at his partner.

Leah shifted her feet. "Actually, Tobi couldn't do it 'cause he doesn't take of the mask. And I couldn't do it anyways since I don't have the acting skills…so…" she led off quietly.

Deidara wouldn't admit it but Leah had a point. "I could tell you what to do…" he offered, slightly panicky.

"I'd mess it up though." Leah pointed out. "I freak out around you and I've known you for almost half a year, how do you think I'll act around a guy I just met?"

"All you have to do is flirt a little, get him a couple of drinks, I give him a spiked one, and dead. Simple. How can you screw that up?" Deidara questioned frantically.

Leah began to list off all the things that could go wrong and it slowly occurred to Deidara that they really couldn't get her to do it. He started feeling queasy and spent the rest of his time ignoring her ramblings while trying to think of a way out of the situation, even though he knew what the outcome would be. He rubbed his forehead, "Leah, you owe me big time." He had the bird lift off again without another word.

Xxx

"God. I fucking hate Tobi!" Kisame growled as he awkwardly carried his sword with his left hand, which he hardly ever used.

Eva sniffed as they trudged along behind Itachi, who was trying to avoid their whining. He was probably too wrapped up in his mysterious Itachi-like thoughts to really care what they were talking about anyway. "I hate him too." Eva agreed.

They were on their way to Takigakure and they were walking. This irked Eva very much, but Kisame had said if she complained he'd cut her arm off, so she held her tongue. Apparently the mission was an interrogation of some of the Akatsuki's underlings. A man by the name of Minoru Saito was apparently acting as a double agent for the Wind Country and was going to give away some crucial information, if he hadn't already. Another underling, Takumi Kawaguchi, had ousted him to Pein. They were going to meet and pay Takumi, and then he would lead them to Minoru's hiding place, perhaps to kill him, perhaps only to interrogate him. After that, Eva didn't know what exactly they were doing. Maybe they'd stop at some random bar place…ninjas did stuff like that after missions, right?

"How the hell am I going to fight like this? If I don't use my right hand I use both hands. I hate fighting with just my left."

Eva frowned. "I'm going to get decapitated," she whined.

"Fighting's going to suck…" Kisame complained.

"I'm going to die."

"I really want to kill Tobi."

"Me too."

During the course of their complaining, Itachi had gotten a considerable distance ahead, so they both shut up and agreed to catch up to him. Eva had been concentrating so hard on keeping up with Kisame's erratic strides that she almost ran into Itachi, who had stopped. In fact, she would have if Kisame hadn't yanked her back.

"Six ninja; low ranking; four left; two right…ambush." Itachi whispered just loud enough for Kisame to hear. Eva's crappy hearing failed to pick up any of Itachi's words, but she knew something bad or unscheduled was going on.

"Oh that just figures!" Kisame lifted his sword and assumed an awkward fighting stance. He flinched. "This is going to suck…."

Eva felt like crying. This really _was _going to suck.

And suck it did. Itachi pulled out kunai, and in an instant, had sent six of them towards the six ninjas. Kisame sighed and released the wrappings on his sword, letting them pool onto the ground. He set the edge of the handle on his shoulder, so it was relaxed but ready to go. The ninja came at them all at once, circling them slowly, some with senbon in hand, others with ninja stars or kunai. One had a katana.

The senbon, stars, and kunai holders all attacked at once, and four of them followed up the attacks with taijutsu, while the one of them stayed back and started making quick hand-signs for a genjutsu.

Itachi stared the man in the eye for a second and he collapsed. Kisame put his hand behind his back, and knelt down slightly, hissing "get on my back, Eva." She jumped on without hesitation. "Get a kunai from my bag. It's by your left foot." She got it, leaving the bag unbuttoned, and tried to hold it like she'd seen ninjas doing it in the anime. Kisame glanced out of the corner of his eye. She was holding it incorrectly, but as long as she didn't drop it, it wouldn't matter. "Slash at anyone who comes close, but try not to throw it. I don't trust your aim."

"Got it." Her palms were already sweaty, and she was thankful for the grip on it. Kisame took care of two of the three ninjas that came at them, knocking one away with his sword and the other jumping up to avoid it. The third one came at him from behind, and he did a quick backwards thrust with it before dipping his sword and using the momentum to come back and hit the ninja who had jumped up.

Eva held onto her kunai more for a feeling of safety than anything, her other arm holding onto Kisame's shoulder desperately. She trusted him to not jump quickly or do anything that would make her fall off, but she worried that he would get hurt and it would be her fault.

Itachi had already incapacitated another ninja, and had drawn his katana to match the sixth ninja. They paced back and forth, Itachi's expression as blank as always, but his opponent's eager and confident. It was mostly a contest of patience, waiting for openings, but there was the occasional hit and block, mostly initiated by Itachi's opponent.

About a minute later, one of Kisame's ninjas was dead from a snapped neck, and a second ninja was suffering from decapitation. Eva had buried her face in Kisame's neck, holding back bile only from the sounds. She did _not_ want to watch people being killed.

"Eva!" Kisame yelled in a commanding voice.

Her head darted up, and she looked towards the left. A ninja was coming towards her at full speed. She froze, staring at him. Time didn't go in slow motion like she was counting on, but she managed to throw out the hand that had the kunai, hoping that through some miracle it would actually make contact with the man's skin.

It didn't. He hit it out of her hand with a sharp knock from his wrist, and the force of it threw her off of Kisame, jerking him slightly and forcing him to fight at an awkward angle. The man had pushed forward his kunai as she fell, and as she landed, blood from a deep gash in her upper arm splashed onto the ground. Turning around, Kisame stuck his kunai into the man's chest and send him flying back into a tree, where he landed with a crash and was still.

Eva screamed, both in pain from her arm and in situation-induced fear. She didn't know what to do with herself, and didn't want to move her arm. Kisame turned to her and grabbed her forcefully on the un-injured shoulder. "Eva! Eva! Get a hold of yourself. I can't have you panicking right now." _Fucking damn it_, he thought angrily, _why the shit didn't Leader have Itachi go on this mission by himself, or at least postpone it until we got the handcuffs off?! Knowing him it's some crappy 'the pain of seeing death will help her grow' bullshit. She can't even qualify as a civilian! She has no right to be here. _"Eva!" he said again, shaking her gently.

She whimpered, though her screams stopped. "My arm..." Her voice was shaky. He threw a worried look over at Itachi, who was finishing up with his opponent. He narrowed his eyes slightly, which in Itachi language meant 'Don't care. Deal with it.'

Kisame picked Eva up as gently as he could, which wasn't very easy seeing as he was still holding his sword, and sped off, finding a conveniently-placed river they had happened to pass a while ago. He sat her down on a rock on the bank of it, and pulled out a rag, dipping it in the water and quickly cleaning off the blood. Then he rinsed out the rag, and wrapped it over the cut. The cold helped some, making it a little numb, and she was able to stop crying.

"How can you do that so easily?" she finally asked.

"Wait, what?"

"Kill people. You didn't even blink."

"We're ninjas. We're uncivilized like that."

"Ah."

"Er…yeah." He narrowed his eyes, trying to read her expression. "Are you gonna be okay the rest of the mission? We can have Itachi finish it by himself, probably."

She shook her head. "I'll be okay. I don't want my only story to tell Leah and Claire 'Yeah I got scared so I ditched.'" She looked awkward. "Are there any special ninja tricks for making things stop bleeding?"

He shrugged. "Uh…not really. I can wrap it, and I have some pain meds, but there's not too much to do until we get back to the hide-out."

She nodded tersely, face slightly pale. He pulled out some of the same material he used to wrap his sword, and tied it in layers around her arm. Then he took a small, round pill from his pack and handed it to the hand-cuffed hand. She plopped it into her mouth. "How long does it…oh. Wow." The pain in her arm had already gone down to a muted throbbing. "How?"

"Not sure. You can ask Zetsu when we get back; he's the one who makes all the stuff like that."

Eva looked worried. "I'm scared now."

"That's wise."

Kisame picked her up again and they went back to where they had left Itachi. The bodies were exactly how they were left, and Eva tried not to look, deciding instead to stare intensely at a blade of grass. Until, that is, she realized it had blood on it, in which case she tried to find an ant to watch.

Itachi appeared silently, with his ninja-skills Eva found much scarier now, behind them. They continued walking towards the city.

After awhile…"Hey Itachi." Eva said annoyingly.

"Hm."

"I love you…"

Itachi kept walking.

Kisame sent her an odd look.

"He's pissing me off. I figured saying that would be more effective than saying I hated him."

"Neither of them do anything as far as reactions."

She narrowed her eyes mischievously. "Yeah…but deep down, he's burning."

He flicked her in the ear. "You wish."

"Yeah, I totally do." After a couple more seconds, she said, "I'm in shock, huh?"

"Yup. I'd say that was a safe bet."

"Okay. Just checking."

Xxx

Claire popped her bubble gum loudly. It had been an hour and a half since they had started walking and neither of them had said anything to her, unless Kakuzu's mutter of "this way" at the beginning had counted. Now he was about a hundred feet ahead of them, doing some weird business calculations while she walked. Hidan had his eyes almost completely closed and had been chanting some weird ass prayer thing to himself, completely oblivious to everything around him. It wasn't that she _wanted_ to talk to him, but the chanting was getting on her nerves almost as much as plain silence would, and she wanted a reaction to break up the monotonous stretches of time. She popped the gum again, but all she got was a slight twitch from him.

Claire huffed and rolled her eyes over to Hidan awkwardly. She was going to have to be the one to start something. "What're you doing? Praying for rain?"

"No." Hidan mumbled distractedly.

"You should. It's hot out." Claire said. He didn't reply. She clicked her tongue. "So what are you praying for?"

"I'm praying to forget something," he said, sounding just as distracted as before.

"What?"

He hummed. "I forgot…."

"Then you don't have to pray anymore…" Claire pointed out. Even if it was just arguing with this obnoxious man, she wanted something to do.

Hidan opened his eyes finally, trance over, and glared at Claire. "You're a bitch."

"And you're a manwhore, we've been over this a dozen times," she replied.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Is that the only comeback you have?"

"Is that the only insult you have?" she retorted.

He grinned. "I have a million, but I think bitch suits you best."

"Lovely, thanks," Claire said with sarcasm.

"You're welcome bitch." He patted her on the back like she was a good friend.

Hidan started to complain about the heat and that his feet were starting to hurt. Claire told him to stop being such a baby, knowing well that she was being a hypocrite. Kakuzu continued wisely ignoring them.

Claire popped her bubble gum again. "Dare I ask what nonsense was so important that you had to interrupt Kisame and Eva's waking ritual this morning?" Claire prodded cautiously.

"What?"

"Back at the hideout, when you came in to the room all in a panic and then Leader cut you off before you could say it."

Hidan was silent for a moment. He remembered that he had had something really important to say to Claire, but he couldn't remember what. Maybe that was what he was praying to forget. Wait. Yes! That's what he was praying to forget the thing he needed to tell Claire…wait…why did he want to forget that? If he really wanted to tell Claire something he must've had a good reason, and it wasn't a new insult he knew that. Damn, it was something really important too.

The same horrified expression he had been wearing a few hours ago reappeared on his face as the last ninety minutes he had spent on forgetting were rendered void. He quickly turned to Claire. "Claire!"

She jumped at his sudden exclamation. He started to run at her. Claire, in response to a religious madman carrying a scythe running at her, broke into a sprint to catch up with Kakuzu swearing as she went. Hidan chased her but was slowed down since he was carrying both his and Claire's things (he had also forgotten why he'd offered to but he had a good idea now).

They ran past Kakuzu. Kakuzu stopped in his tracks to watch them.

Hidan caught up with Claire and grabbed her shoulders. She screamed and tried to keep running. They stumbled a little but managed to remain standing. Hidan moved so he was standing in front of Claire with a firm grasp on her shoulders.

They both stood there panting for a few seconds.

"What the fuck, Hidan!?" Claire yelled.

"Shut up bitch I need you to marry me!" Hidan roared back.

Claire didn't have a response to that. She stared at Hidan's magenta eyes for a long time and he stared back. He was obviously waiting for an answer.

Claire pushed him away. "…What the fuck, Hidan!?" she repeated.

Hidan didn't look at all hurt by the rejection. He seemed more pissed off that he was pushed than anything. "Because of what happened this morning! I kissed you so now we have to get married!"

The teenager felt her face go hot and vehemently hoped Kakuzu wasn't within earshot. "Why?!" she hissed.

"Because! It's against my fucking religion to do that sort of thing! I kissed you so now you have to marry me!" he argued.

"Why am I being punished for your mistake?!"

Ouch. Although he wasn't really keen on marrying her in the first place, that last insult stung a little. "B-because! We have to!"

"NO!"

"Come on Claire. Marry me!" he demanded.

"No!"

"Marry me!" now it just sounded like an order.

"_No._"

"Please?"

"Now you just sound pathetic." Claire paused and said 'no' again just for good measure.

Kakuzu watched them argue for a bit. He decided he really didn't care and just kept walking. Claire and Hidan just followed behind and played 'Proposal. Rejection.' for the next couple of hours.

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: Blah. Stuff to say…At least I'm not gonna rant cuz I don't remember how really and I'm not going to try to make excuses for myself…**

**Leah wrote like 85% of this chapter and Eva wrote like 15% of it, and I wrote none…**

**Gahhhh just blame this whole hiatus on me…I go writer's block and then I got laziness and I got guilt but it wasn't really sufficient enough to do anything but edit, and even that took for-fucking-ever. I kind of had this illusion that we would write the rest of the story and then post it like, once every other day but that will take too long, so I guess we're just gonna go back to trying to write one chapter at a time. I hope it doesn't take too long D: **

**And I'm really really really sorry…and I'm not even going to try to express it in words because I'd fail at it…lol, I suppose that's the whole problem…-sigh-**

**Blahhrr, if it's any consolation the sun is getting your revenge on me for you cuz it's like 95000000 degrees here.**

**Eva: ****:) And we're.....back! I wrote some of it, this time. Less than a fourth of it...but still!! KisamexEva fluff is love. I swear. Hmm...I never really know what to say in A/Ns...Um um um um Oh! Leah was at her dad's house and was bored and started playing neopets, and then I was talking to her and was all 'Neopets sounds ridiculously fun' and so now we have neopets accounts. :D Yes. We win. Uhyeahthat'sitbye!**


	18. Baking and Wives Tales

**Authors Note:**

**Leah: Woot! Another chapter! This one requires a bit of explanation. This takes place the day before the previous chapter (before the Akatsuki and the girls went on the missions). So yeah, we warned you that the next few chapters were gonna be a little confusing.**

**Anyways. It's summer! YAY! We went to the Fanime thing in San Jose a couple of weeks ago and it was totally wicked. My Allen Walker cosplay turned out beautifully thanks to Claire and her mad sewing skills. We got so many pictures taken of us and I felt like a celebrity (kinda, not really, but it was awesome).**

**Since it's summer, we should be updating more but I can't make any promises =P**

**Claire: I AM SO HAPPY. For you guys, ya know? IT'S SUMMERRRR AND THAT MEANS I'M NOT STRESSEDDDD—wait, no it doesn't…I have a job now…and stressing is my nature…**

**Well. Anyway. For you, it means I write, and that's all that matters =) **

**This is what we've been calling the 'Charli Chapter', cuz it's all about Charli and the gang back home. We needed an update on them. As Leah mentioned, it's a bit confusing to read. Basically, just know that this entire chapter takes place on Christmas. For the brief period the Akatsuki exist, it is happening AFTER the handcuff incident and BEFORE they go on their missions. Ooh…as promised, this is a slight inconsistency. I probably shouldn't have pointed that out…people might not have noticed. –glance-**

**Forgive us…for that. Not for our failure at updating. That does not deserve forgiveness.**

**This is the part where I (to quote Roy Zimmerman) cut out my heart with a grapefruit spoon for you people. You're so awesome. I read all the reviews and then I just had to write, fuck my job.**

**I will shut up for now and let you get on with the craziness.**

Chapter 14:

_December 25; Christmas Day_

Jason left for work around nine o'clock in the morning even though it was his day off. Apparently there had been some sort of emergency at the hospital and he was needed because most of the staff had gone away on vacation. Kakashi had decided to go with him for duty's sake, but Jason was dumbly excited to have the company.

Charli had gone up to her room to pass time by playing video games with TenTen. Gaara was also ever-present, though he refused to submit to take part in something as childish as Mario Kart.

Rachel remained at the house to wrap Christmas presents in a spare bedroom (the one that Kisame and Itachi typically shared when the whole group decided to visit on rare occasions) before they went to her parents' house for dinner. Hinata and Chouji had offered to help Rachel out with all the gifts and she gladly accepted. Kankuro secretly kept a watchful eye on Rachel just in case.

Rachel finished tying a bow around one of Jenny's gifts. "Phew, that's it for Jenny." She put the box on top of the pile of gifts for her little sister.

Chouji taped down a neatly folded corner on the large box he was wrapping. "Wow, you sure got a lot of presents," he commented.

"Yeah. Your family's going to love them." Hinata added, looking at a pretty watch before putting it in a bag and adding some tissue paper.

Rachel smiled. "Thanks you guys, you've been a huge help." She stood up, stretched and walked to the end of the table. "Do either of you want any snacks or a drink? I'm going into the kitchen…"

"If you don't mind, can I get some of those barbeque chips?" Chouji asked politely.

"No prob. Hinata, you want anything?" Rachel asked.

Hinata smiled and shook her head. "I'm fine. Thank you." She started to wrap the box with colorful wrapping paper with Santa Claus printed randomly on the green sheet.

Rachel smiled and went to the kitchen. Kankuro followed her, making no move to hide the fact. Jason's blonde fiancée turned around and looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Can I help you?"

"Yes actually. We'll talk in the kitchen." Kankuro said and motioned for her to keep walking.

She rolled her eyes at the teenager in a 'whatever dude' way and continued onwards.

Several other ninja were in the kitchen, including Lee, Gai, Neji, Ino, and Temari, but Rachel had adjusted to their presence. She didn't exactly enjoy it, but she knew she didn't have the authority to kick them out since it wasn't her house…yet.

Rachel filled a teapot with water and set it on the stove. "So, Kankuro was it? You wanted to talk to me?" she said, carefully masking the skepticism in her tone as she turned the knob next to the teapot.

He leaned against the refrigerator. "I'm just going to cut to the chase. What do you know about the Akatsuki?"

Every set of eyes in the room turned towards Rachel. She arched a thin eyebrow. "Who?"

"The Akatsuki. The group of men that stay here on occasion." Kankuro said.

She snapped her fingers. "Oh those people! Dudes and one chick group, that's what Jason calls them. Yeah what about them?"

"Anything." Temari cut in impatiently.

Lee smiled contrastingly. "Anything you can tell us will help!"

Rachel clicked her tongue as she thought. She pulled the bag of chips out of the cabinet and set them on the counter. "I've only met them once in person, but Jason's told me loads about them. They seem like they're good guys."

"What makes you say that?" Ino inquired.

Rachel shrugged. "Jason hasn't said anything particularly bad about them. I mean, Most of them swear a lot, especially that religious dude. And there's the blonde kid whose name always seems to escape me…" she snapped her fingers twice while she tried to remember it.

"Long hair, scope on one eye, kind of short?" Kankuro described Deidara briefly.

"Yes! That's the one! Jason doesn't like him much he's totally interested in Leah and Jason sometimes suffers from overprotective brother syndrome," she snickered. "But Leah told me that doesn't mind—Oh, I remember! His name is Deidara."

"Is there anything abnormal about him? Appearance wise? Other than things we mentioned?" Gai asked in a serious tone that most of the other ninja weren't used to. He was thinking of the terrorists characteristically missing arms.

The teapot began to hiss and Rachel turned off the stove. She pulled three mugs out of the cabinet, having made the magnanimous decision to bring Hinata and Chouji some tea even though they had politely refused it. "Jason said his arms were in pretty bad shape the first time they met, like the guy had had some kind of 'ghetto surgery'. They're a lot better though, since Jason worked on them," she told them, strikingly in key with Gai's thinking. She poured the hot water into the mugs and dug through another cabinet for some tea. "Other than that, he's just a guy."

Knowing that they weren't going to get much information on that particular member, they moved on to another topic. "What about the other members?" Neji asked.

"Kisame is blue and Zetsu just looks like a freak," she replied. She didn't mean anything by her seemingly harsh comments. From any normal person's perspective, Zetsu did look pretty scary. "Both of them are nice though."

Neji motioned for her to go on.

She raised an eyebrow and sighed, feeling like she had indulged them enough for now. "I'm not even sure why you want _me _to tell you all this. You seem to be familiar enough with them by the questions you're asking. And I don't care if you're asking my opinion or not but I'd like to say I trust Jason's judgment and that they seem like good enough people to me. If you guys have a conflict, fine, but you can work that out yourselves."

She piled the mugs and chips on to a tray and turned to walk out of the room. "Seriously, I'm the wrong person to be going to about this." She added and returned to the spare bedroom.

"Obviously." Ino scoffed.

XxX

Jason returned around noon, his urgent job at the hospital also having been a relatively quick one. He literally danced into the house, ran over to Rachel, and attacked her with an unexpected kiss. "Merry, merry-MERRY, merrymerrymerry Ccccccccchristmas!" he sang loudly.

Rachel laughed and gently pushed him off. "Down boy, not while I'm baking," she said as she dusted her hands off on her apron. Charli, Kiba, and her other helpers from earlier in the morning were helping her make sugar cookies.

Jason grinned stupidly and glanced around the room. "Where are the girls?" he asked, having forgotten he'd already made this inquiry before and hadn't waited for an answer then.

"In Canada, with the guys…and chick," Charli answered sarcastically.

Jason screwed up his face in a way that made him look like he was about to throw a tantrum. Luckily he repressed the urge, sighed, and after a few seconds of pondering became determined. "It's only a twelve hour drive! We can make it!"

Charli ran her hand through her hair in an effort to disguise the face-palm. "Eastern Canada."

"Damn."

Charli and Rachel giggled. Kakashi whispered something to one of the ANBU members, looking slightly confused, but said nothing else.

Jason clicked his tongue. "I should probably call them, at least wish them happy holidays," he said as he reached for the phone.

"I bet they're busy," Charli said quickly. If Jason called them, it could only turn out badly. "I think they have their own holiday plans."

"Daww, but what kind of brother would I be if I didn't wish my little sister a merry Christmas?" He ruffled Charli's light blond hair and dialed a number into the phone.

xXx

Pein stared at the cell phone. It was vibrating and ringing at the same time with the word 'House' illuminated on the screen. He took a few minutes to consider the dangers of answering or not answering. It probably wasn't Konoha because they wouldn't know how to use a phone (or even know his number) unless Charli or Jason taught them, but that was unlikely. And then there was the fact that the Konoha ninja were trying to ambush them by occupying the house in secret.

It didn't take him long to decide that it should be answered but he brought it to Leah for safe measure. He simply told her to answer the phone, and she did so without much hesitation for two reasons. One, she figured Pein would have analyzed the situation carefully enough that he knew what he was doing. And two...she was Leah, meaning she was a doormat and wouldn't have denied him anyway. If worst came to worst she could just hang up anyway.

Pein requested the other Akatsuki member's silence, even though he knew that they'd long since been given away. The 'Alaskan' thing just wasn't working. 'Alaskan' didn't even sound close to 'Akatsuki'. He had considered telling the girls this, but decided they probably already knew and were just being stupid on purpose now.

Leah pressed a little green button on the phone. "Hello?"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Jason, Rachel, and Charli's voices blared out of the speaker, making Leah jump and utter a noise something like 'eep'.

She looked to Pein unsurely and he quietly told her to put it on speaker so the rest of them could hear. Maybe there would be some background chatter about Konoha's plans, though it was doubtful. Again Leah did as she was told.

She laughed nervously. "Merry Christmas to you, too."

"Merry Christmas!" Eva said enthusiastically as she tried to pull Kisame closer to the phone. Kisame was distracted by trying to pick the lock on the handcuffs (something he'd been attempting for the hour after Tobi had cuffed them) though it had yeilded no success and showed no sign of doing so with future effort.

Claire jumped to the phone as well. "Did call to tell us you got me a giant stuffed dolphin? If not then you can just go away."

"Tch. What's with you and that dolphin?" Charli replied.

Claire glared at Leah. "Me and Leah and Edward went to Seaworld and and and there was a giant dolphin and and I wanted it. But they wouldn't let me get it," she whined.

Before Leah could say anything in her defense, Jason intervened. "Where are you guys? It's Christmas, and this is family time."

Leah frowned. "I'm sorry," she replied with no intention of saying anything more.

"Yes you are," Charli agreed flatly. They could hear Rachel addressing someone in the background about the oven.

Hidan laced his hands behind his head and looked at Pein out of the corner of his eye. "What's the point of this shit?"

"To get information, dumbass," Kakuzu answered sharply.

"Both of you shut the fuck up!" Claire hissed, pointing to the phone.

They heard Charli cough. "You're on speaker you know," she informed them as casually as she could. "Don't say anything that _Jason wouldn't like_." Hint, hint.

"Yeah!" Claire yelled, staring at the Akatsuki members behind her. The glare was most directed at Hidan who flipped her off in response.

Rachel laughed, rejoining the conversation. "Where are you girls? Jason wants you home for Christmas."

"Uhhhh....In a place!" Eva offered.

Unfortunately, Hidan and Kakuzu had not ceased their arguing, but had simply relocated it a couple of feet to the left. As always, it was escalating. Pein, sensing this, gave them a very menacing glare and requested their silence, but as neither of the zombie duo had their attention focused on him, this went unnoticed. The argument went up a few notches in severity, and everyone knew it would only be a little while longer before they could not be mistaken as a bickering couple, and would be irrevocably revealed as the two violent murders they really were.

"STOP OR I WILL KICK YOU IN THE TESTICLES!" Konan yelled over them.

There was silence on both ends of the phone.

Eva quickly recovered and gave a high pitched nervous giggle. "Wellwe'regonnagonow, bye!" She snapped the phone closed quickly and handed it to the dumbstruck Pein.

Pein raised his eyes to the ceiling briefly and put the phone in his back pocket. He didn't say anything and walked out of the room, presumably returning to whatever it was he had been doing before the call.

Kakuzu glared at Hidan. Hidan scowled at Kakuzu. A few seconds later, there was more screaming and the couch Hidan was sitting on was snapped in half. No one said anything as Kakuzu chased Hidan outside the hideout.

"That was weird," Zetsu noted.

XxX

"That was weird," Jason said as the dial tone hummed. He placed it back on its silvery stand and stretched his arms.

Charli rolled a small amount of dough between her tiny hands, molding it into a spherical shape for cookies. She glanced up at Jason. "Told you there were busy."

The doctor ruffled Charli's hair again to annoy her as punishment for being a brat and she ducked away. Jason had a frown on his face and his eyes were staring off at nothing. "I hope they're okay…" he mumbled.

Rachel rubbed his shoulder and gave him a weak smile. "I'm sure they are."

Jason raised his eyebrow at her. "What's with that look?"

His fiancee dropped whatever 'look' she was wearing and tried to look neutral. "What look?"

Jason turned towards her wagging his finger playfully at him. "You aren't telling me something," he sang, advancing.

She laughed and pushed him away, eyeing their many surveyors somewhat bashfully. "I'll talk to you about it later."

"Aw come on. Is Leah okay?"

"She's fine Jason."

"….I don't trust that tone……"

Lee beamed at Jason, eager to help Rachel get out of what would be an awkward situation for everybody. Or maybe he just wanted to be enthusiastic about something. "Everything will be fine, Jason!" he gave him a thumbs up and his smile grew even wider.

Jason stared at his green jumpsuit with an unreadable expression. "I've been inspired," he told them. He kissed Rachel on the cheek. "I'll be right back!" he called as he ran out of the kitchen. They could hear him pounding up the stairs and then the door to his bedroom slam.

Rachel rolled her eyes and went back to baking.

xXx

Jason reentered the kitchen with a new outfit that would definitely earn the approval stamp from both Gai and Lee. The only problem was that the youthful green color had been replaced by a vibrant purple. And a minor second problem was that it wasn't a full jumpsuit; it cut off at the knees and it had no sleeves.

Rachel snorted. "Oh good God Jason."

Charli frowned and tightly shut her eyes. "I hope I can un-see this."

"How youthful!" Gai praised predictably and clapped a hand onto the doctor's shoulder.

Jason rubbed his hands over his spandex wrestling singlet in a remarkably disturbing manner. "It's been a while since you've seen me in this." He grinned stupidly at the memories of high school wrestling. The friends, the fun, the sweat, the vomiting, the nine mile runs, the fainting, the unconsciousness, his friend Keoni being the first freshman to go to State and the first to lose to a girl three times at said tournament, the dieting, the eating disorders, the broken bones, the nosebleeds, the ring worm, the impetigo, the staph infections...All that good stuff.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I was hoping I'd never see you in that again."

Jason shifted uncomfortably. "It's making my balls itch," he announced loudly.

The girls looked disgusted by his vulgar comment while some of the guys snickered. Charli still refused to look at her big brother, ashamed that she was actually related to him. "Jason, take that thing off," Rachel pleaded good-naturedly.

Jason saluted. "Yes ma'am!" He brought the shoulder straps off his shoulders and had rolled his down to his chest, attempting his best stipper face as he did so.

"Do that here and I'll kick your ass," she threatened.

"I have no ass! This outfit proves it!" He slapped his own nonexistent butt as if to emphasize his point.

Rachel shook her head and tried to ignore him. "Go upstairs, take that off, and go get a tan!"

Jason saluted her again and ran upstairs to change into normal clothing.

Charli opened her eyes. "And why are you marrying that idiot?"

She shrugged. "He's good looking, he's funny, and he's…..special."

"As in he's mildly retarded and he makes you feel better about yourself. I had thought you were better than that Rachel."

"I never said that!" she said with mock offense.

Charli smirked. "Of course you didn't." she replied sarcastically. She placed the last bit of dough she was shaping onto a stiff metal cooking sheet and dusted her hands. She stared at them, her expression unreadable. "I'm bored again."

XxX

It was around four thirty in the evening when the last pie was pulled from the poor, overworked oven. All the cookies—sugar, gingerbread, and chocolate chip were neatly arranged on a circular dish under a film of clear plastic meant to keep them in place. Rachel had also made three pies: one pumpkin, one pecan, and one apple to bring to her parent's Christmas party that had started half an hour ago. Oh well, they wouldn't be missing much...

As ordered, both Charli and Jason had unwillingly changed into nice clothing for the event. Jason only wore simple khaki slacks and a green pinstriped button down shirt, and refused to wear anything more formal _ever_ unless it was the tuxedo he was to suffer in on his wedding day. Charli was pouting in a powdery pink dress that had a skirt MUCH too poofy for her liking. Nevertheless she looked adorable, wearing white patent leather shoes and decorative white hair clips that pulled her light hair into a messy bun.

She felt herself blush when she heard Ino and Tenten commenting on how cute she looked. Briefly, she wondered what Pein would think. She closed her eyes hard and wondered why she wondered that. His opinion didn't matter when it came to these things. She must be getting so used to gaining his approval on business matters that the notion was seeping into petty things.

She scrunched her nose, looking towards the silver haired prick entering the kitchen. "Why're you all dressed up, Kakashi?" she asked, even though she already knew the answer.

He straightened the collar of the blue button-down that Jason had lent him. He found it strange that Jason's clothes were a little tight on him considering that the doctor was taller than the shinobi. "Jason invited me to come along." He smiled.

Jason beamed at Kakashi and gave him a friendly pat on the back. "It's 'cause you're awesome dude." He hummed and looked at the red-head seated next to Charli. "You coming too?" he asked, gesturing to Gaara's attire—nice black slacks and with a white shirt that mimicked the style of his and Kakashi's.

Gaara nodded. "Charli asked for me to accompany her," he lied simply.

Charli's jaw slacked. "I did _n_—" she hissed.

"She was too shy to ask, but she would like Shino and Kiba to accompany us as well." Gaara spouted more fabrications without so much as a blink. Charli's eyes narrowed and she almost snarled. What an asshole.

Kiba and Shino turned to each other, just as surprised (but not as pissed off) as Charli. Why would Gaara want them to go to a family dinner party? The only thing they could be sure of was that it had to be a damn good reason, seeing as Gaara was probably the most solitary creature between their two worlds. Kiba smiled at Jason, going along with the Kazekage's plan, and Shino just stared at the red-head, trying to figure out his motives.

Jason turned to his fiancée. "Rachel?"

She shrugged. "Fine by me. I feel bad that we can't bring everyone though. It seems rude," she worried.

Gai quickly dismissed the comment. "Don't worry about us Ms. Rachel, we really don't want to intrude on your family time."

Rachel smiled. "Well I'll leave you all some money so you can get yourselves some dinner if you want. Feel free to raid the fridge, we have a lot of extra food." Gai nodded, making a mental note. The extra food would most likely mean the Akatsuki visited frequently; proof, as far as he was concerned. And though it was already apparent due to the entire family's willingness to protect them, it confirmed their friendship since they would be so willing to spend that kind of money.

"Kiba, Shino" Rachel addressed the two teens. She looked them over. "Jason, you think that Itachi's and Deidara's clothes will fit them?"

Charli's face turned the color of her shoes. Even though the Konoha ninja had no doubts about the Akatsuki's semi-permanent residence in their house, Rachel's mentioning was a bit much. And now they were inextricably tied to them, having bought the criminals clothing.

"Probably. Come on you two, you got to look nice or Rachel will rip your faces off." Jason led the two males of Team 10 upstairs.

Charli muttered curses under her breath. Oh, if only that idiot of a brother and his clueless fiancée weren't around, she would have been able to manage the secret. She felt terrible, like she had betrayed them, even though she hadn't really done anything wrong. She worried that Pein would resent her for not telling Jason and Rachel to keep their mouths shut, even though Gaara's constant vigilance left her no opportunity to communicate with them safely.

No...If she quelled her emotions and thought about it with the most critical logic, it had been futile from the start to hide the fact that the Akatsuki had a second home here. Frankly she didn't know why she had kept up with the charade as long as she did. The only thing left to do was to keep information of each individual to herself. Jason and Rachel knew minor personality aspects, but not much. She was the only one besides the girls with valuable information. That comforted her a bit. As long as she kept that to herself, she would have accomplished something. After all, Pein couldn't expect her to be able to keep everything in the house a secret. There was simply too much evidence.

Charli bit her lip. She didn't want to disappoint Pein.

Kiba and Shino, both changed into their formal attire, followed behind Jason and started to help Rachel carry trays of goodies out to the car. Charli made a mental note to wash Itachi's gray shirt and Deidara's blue one very well so they wouldn't be contaminated with bugs and dog hair, respectively.

Now that she thought of it, she'd probably have to disinfect the whole house. Well, she wouldn't do that kind of work. Maybe she could get Konan to order the boys to clean it themselves. That would be nice.

xXx

Because so many people had decided to tag along, they ended up taking two cars. Jason, Charli, and Gaara took Leah's truck and trusted Akamaru to stay in the bed, while Rachel drove her own car with Kakashi, Shino, and Kiba.

Charli turned in her seat to see Akamaru snoozing in the back, the wind ruffling his fur in every direction. "How far away do Rachel's parents live?"

Jason stopped roughly at a red light, causing everyone's seatbelts to lock. He wasn't a graceful driver. "About another twenty minutes. Don't ask again," he said.

Charli sat back in her seat and clicked her tongue, trying to think of something to keep herself entertained. The blurry images of the dried up shrubs speeding by along the highway seemed to be enough to keep Gaara entertained, but she had seen this road a thousand times and knew it by heart so it had no entertainment value to her.

"So…Gaara…" she said slowly.

Pale eyes turned towards her attentively.

She stared back at him, not entirely sure what she was going to say now that she had his attention. "How are you?" she said with a smile. She crossed her legs and put her hands daintily on her knee, trying to look as friendly and cute as possible.

He stared at her for a few moments, perhaps considering whether or not to answer. At last he decided not to and turned back to the window.

Charli frowned sourly.

"Hey Gaara," she addressed him again.

He glanced at her without turning this time. It wasn't worth the effort.

"I like your tattoo," she said, lacking better conversation topics than his physical appearance. It was true after all. He was a good looking kid, except for his unfortunate lack of eyebrows. Pity that he was bat-shit insane, else he'd probably pick up a lot of girls.

The wedge of his eye that she could see at this angle widened slightly in acknowledgement.

"It's very unique." She clicked her tongue again. "What's it mean?" She already knew the answer to this, but trying to get him to talk was her mission at this point.

He didn't respond.

Knowing that she had ventured into some personal territory with that question, she moved to something more neutral. "Your hair is a very lovely shade of red. Is it natural?" she complimented honestly.

Again. No response.

How boring. Charli huffed and blew a stray strand of hair from her face. She spent a minute or so trying to squash her skirt down, but it was stubborn and triumphed against her efforts. As a last resort she also turned her gaze towards the window, hoping the boring view would allow her to zone out.

"GOAT SCROTUM!" Jason yelled suddenly. Charli jumped and Gaara twitched his head towards their driver.

"What the heck?" Charli demanded.

Gaara shook his head. "Strange," he commented dryly.

"Ha! I got him to talk." Jason exclaimed triumphantly. Pumping both of his fists into the air he accidentally punched the roof of the car. "Owie…"

"Hands on wheel!" Charli shrieked, reaching forward as if to grab the wheel herself as the car swerved dangerously close to the large concrete barrier that separated the directions of traffic.

"Fine, fine," he replied nonchalantly and righted the car.

Falling back into her seat once more with wide eyes, she sighed. "I hate my life."

XxX

They parked a little ways down the street from the house since the driveway and the adjacent sidewalks were packed with cars. Charli hoped there would be someone her age to distract herself with. But she knew it would most likely be teenagers, adults, and grandparents, all of whom would want nothing to do with a tween such as herself, besides commenting on how adorable she was. Yuck.

The sky overhead had turned a deep blue that faded to purples, pinks, and orange at the horizon. A beautiful white glare on the distant ocean and clouds painted by the setting sun's last rays didn't bring the same soft joy that it usually did. Knots twisted in her stomach and she swallowed, turning away from the view. She had admired the same view from Jason's backyard while having meaningless conversations and laughs with the girls and the band of criminals. Funny how she found herself wanting nothing more than to be with them right now, when she spent most of her free time playing cruel pranks and insulting them. Except for Pein, she wouldn't do that to Pein again. She held too much respect for the man now. And sympathy. Eleven idiots probably gave him enough trouble as it was.

Gaara had gotten out of the car as well and was helping the others bring treats into Rachel's parents house. She thought of trying to sneak a text to Pein but she knew that despite his being comically dwarfed by the large column of treats Rachel was loading into his arms, Gaara was watching her. Like how a praying mantis watches a slow, soft caterpillar before striking. She desperately wanted to know what the limits of his allowance to punish her were, but was afraid to test them. Rachel called her into the house and she raced Jason to the front door, losing by only a few steps.

Maybe somehow she could lose Gaara long enough to get in contact with the Akatsuki leader. Or anyone else for that matter. Why was she so dead-set on talking to Pein? Anyone would do. They wouldn't keep a secret from everyone else when it concerned their return to their home, second home—WHATEVER! That didn't matter. Point was, get in contact with them. Somehow.

xXx

Pein rubbed his nose for possibly the twentieth time within the past few hours. "You guys should of cleaned this place better," he muttered to no one in particular as they sat down to eat the Christmas cake that Eva and Kisame had made. Not that Kisame had wanted to make the cake. Everyone had wanted cake, so he obligingly agreed to stand there as Eva prepared the desert. Unfortunately, his pity and frustration at watching Eva attempt to do anything one handed had gotten the better of him. So help make cake, he did. Nevermind that it looked like it was trying to escape the plate. A little lopsidedness never hurt anyone.

"Shut up! We did a damn good job." Hidan snapped, slapping a palm against the table.

"All the dust is making my nose itchy." Pein said, rubbing his nose again.

Eva giggled. She and Kisame set the cake on the table. "Maybe someone is thinking about you, Leader," she teased with a sly grin.

Pein looked to Konan. She looked back at him. "What? It wasn't me," she said honestly.

Eva snickered again and called the others to the table. With the promise of cake, they all arrived in less than thirty seconds. Kisame cut the cake while Eva served it since Eva was not to be trusted with a knife.

Pein rubbed his nose again.

"Konan, stop thinking about Pein. We all know you love him." Eva scolded playfully.

"Who the what now?" Claire snapped out of her glazed stare that had been directed at the cake in front of them.

"Apparently Konan's thinking about Pein. Because she loves him. And it's making his nose itch," Hidan informed her matter-of-factly. He proceeded to shovel half his cake into his mouth.

Konan sat straight. "I am not. Besides, I don't believe in wives tales."

Pein sneezed into his elbow. "Me neither. I'm probably just allergic to idiots. No one is thinking about me."

"No, someone's just talking about you now." Eva smiled.

Kisame flicked her forehead. "You're such an idiot."

"Yeah, say Eva. My eye just twitched, does that mean someone's thinking about me, un?" Deidara asked, sarcastically. Though his eye really had twitched.

Eva put her hand to her face and hummed thoughtfully, smearing frosting on it unknowingly. "Which eye?"

"The left one," he said.

"Oh no. That just means someone close to you is going to die soon." She sat down once everyone was served and took a bite of the cake that she had spent the majority of the day baking. It was probably one of the best cakes she's made in a long time. She felt very proud of herself. Then she backtracked briefly and wondered if the cake's loveliness had anything to do with the fact that Kisame had helped. Maybe it was an omen, or something.

Deidara frowned at the rather morbid comment, then smiled. "Can it be Tobi? I really don't like him."

Tobi half moaned, half whined at this comment, his shoulders slumping dejectedly. Normally Eva would have offered something in his defense, but she glanced towards her left wrist lying next to Kisame's blue one, and said nothing more.

XxX

Opening the door to Rachel's parents' house was like walking into a rave, minus the flashing neon lighting. They must have had remarkably thick walls that no one could have heard the talking and loud but indiscernible music from outside. Luckily there was at least enough room for the newcomers to maneuver safely to the kitchen to be rid of their burden of skillfully baked goods. To their credit, the Konoha inhabitants blended in nicely. Each of them had an expression of either amusement or slight irritation at the noise.

After a little bit of difficult they each found places to deposit their trays on an island in the middle of the kitchen packed with assorted casseroles, chips, vegetable platters, and other dishes. A woman of about fifty with gray streaking through her wavy oak hair and lots of make-up on turned around at that moment. Spotting Rachel, she set her wine glass down and tip-toed over to give her a hug.

"Rachel!" she exclaimed. "And Charli!" The woman knelt down to give Charli a hug as well.

"Don't forget Jason, Mom," Rachel pointed out gently, drawing Jason forward.

After a moment's hesitation, Rachel's mother smiled and gently squeezed Jason's shoulder. "Of course. Glad you could make it. I see you brought some friends along."

"Yes Maddie, they're actually friends of Charli's more than ours—" Jason began, but the woman cut him off.

"Your father's around here somewhere, I'll go find him!" Maddie offered, disappearing into the throng of people.

Rachel turned to face her younger company. "Don't worry about her, she's probably a little tipsy. Feel free to wander around if you want, have some food. Kiba, you can let your dog run around in the backyard with the others. I'm sure dinner will be soon," Rachel explained amiably.

Charli let her eyes roam to all possible exits from the kitchen. Each one was clogged with elderly people who would be sure to pinch her cheeks and tell her how cute she looked in her silly pink—wait. This time she looked around her with a feeling of wonder. There were _so many people_. Rachel's mother had easily disappeared within a few seconds. She was a smaller target, she should be able to get away from her captors long enough to send a text. Kiba was dragging Shino outside with him so they could retrieve his beloved dog. Kakashi was asking another guest if she knew what the shiny wobbling green thing with bits of...stuff...was. Gaara was still staring at her though. She pretended she hadn't noticed him and skipped off towards the crowd without saying anything. Normally she'd feel weird, like when you invite someone to a party and have to talk to them even though it's awkward and you'd rather be doing other things. But he had invited his own damn self, and on top of that he was, like...stalking her, for lack of a better phrase.

However, Gaara was not the awkward party guest. In fact, Gaara probably never felt awkward. He just carried out his duties, which consisted right now of following Charli as she darted between the clumps of people. It was rather creepy, actually. She was getting an adrenaline rush because every time she thought she was safe, Gaara would appear from around an endtable with his emotionless face and leisurely walk. It was like a dream; she'd rush up, tripping over her own feet and panting in fear so she could escape. Admittedly it was a bit dramatic, because she wasn't doing anything that would invoke his sandy wrath, and even if she did he wouldn't do anything in the presence of so many witnesses, no matter how old or intoxicated they were.

After her eighth near heart attack, Gaara appeared to tire of the game. "Do you mind stopping this? It's not really working and I'm pretty sure it is as unpleasant for you as it is tedious for me," he said blandly.

She sighed and let her head fall back against the wicker bookshelf she had been leaning against. "Fine." She'd have to try something else.

xXx

Charli wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry when Rachel's mother rang a _cowbell_ to announce that dinner was ready. And even though all of the guests filtering through the house to get to the giant table setup outside in a way that was remarkably similar to the shuffling of a cow herd might be considered hilarious from a third perspective, in person, it was a bit pathetic. So, being unable to decide on whether to laugh or cry, and realizing she might aquire a headache if she thought on it much longer, she decided to cough. It was unsatisfying.

Somehow Kakashi, Gaara, Shino, and Kiba had all managed to get seats near Rachel's family and her brother. Said brother had saved her a seat right between him and Gaara, and seeing as the dozens of other adults had taken up all other availible seats, she was forced to accept it. Charli said nothing as the adults called over each other demanding certain dishes of food, several of the least appetising being shoveled on to a plate for her in great heaping quantities. She stared at it intently while ignoring Gaara's burning stare from her left.

"So," said the man next to Maddie that Charli assumed was Rachel's father. "Rachel, dear, who uh...are your friends here?" He gestured mildly to the Konoha inhabitants.

Rachel turned to Jason, faltering. "I think Jason knows them better actually, why don't you let him introduce them?"

All the people at the table who had even the smallest acquaintance with Gaara were beyond shocked that he intervened. "This is Kakashi, Shino, Kiba, and I am Gaara," he said coolly.

Rachel's parents, not recognizing the rarity of his forwardness, nodded. "And how do you all know each other?" her father continued.

"Shino and Kiba are Kakashi's children." The aforementioned three blinked noticeably. "I am adopted," he added after a short pause. "Kakashi is Jason's drinking friend."

"He is?" Jason demanded while the others tried to process this story with difficulty. "I didn't think I recognized him..."

"Well, how would you? You're always drunk!" Kakashi supplied helpfully.

Rachel's mother, being rather drunk herself, shrieked with laughter at this. Everyone else cautiously joined in, and the unlikelihood of the situation was forgotten. Having been satisfied with the introductions, Rachel's parents began chattering sociably with a few nearby guests.

"That was rather bold of you," Charli muttered to Gaara without looking up. He returned the favor with no reply but a shrug. She scowled and looked around the table at the collection of ninjas. "You know, I'm getting really bored with you all. If you're supposed to be my '_captors_' or whatever, you should at least lay down some ground rules," she hissed at them. "If not, learn some manners. Geez."

Kakashi folded his hands across the empty space in front of him on the table. "Miss Charli, I'm sorry you're feeling neglected. If you'd like to talk about the Akatsuki, we'd be more than happy to listen."

Charli stuck her tongue out at him.

"Listen brat, we aren't here to be nice to you. You got involved with dangerous criminals, don't expect a fricken' parade of well-meaning friends," Kiba growled.

"You could be a little nicer, _son_." Kakashi winked at Rachel's mother, who had let her gaze wander over to the hushed conversation. At that moment Charli was overcome with a wave of mischeif.

"Uncle Kakashi," she said loudly, her voice dripping with acid-honey, "why aren't you eating any of this delicious food?"

"Oh goodness, Roger dear, she's right! Get that man a nice healthy bit of pork!" Maddie campaigned, motioning frantically to her husband.

Roger jolted immediately and reached for a plate in front of him. "Of course! You really ought to try this, our dear Mable made it and it's exquisite—"

Kakashi was holding up his hands and muttering a bit. "No, really, I'm all right! You see I have a cold, and I can't take off this mask—"

"Nonsense, we aren't afraid of a few cooties, are we?" insisted Maddie, sloshing her wine around as she waved away his denial.

"You see, I'm foreign and it's part of my culture..."

"But you must be hungry!" Roger added, pushing the plate of pork towards him.

Everyone, even Gaara, was watching Kakashi quite intently now, curious to see if the man would have to reveal his long-guarded face. While their attention was directed away from her Charli quickly jerked forward from her chair and made a grab at the ninja's mask—only to have her fingers fall a few inches short. She slumped back quickly, assuming a pouty face to disguise her disappointment at her own failure.

Kakashi cleared his throat, having finally thought of an undeniable excuse. "I really didn't want to worry anyone, but I've just been worried about the Swine Flu," he lied smoothly.

There was an almost simultaneous exhalation of 'ohhh' from the ignorant masses around them. Charli stabbed a bit of potatoe with her plastic spork. Damn him for watching the news. Damn ninjas. Damn! Feeling sulky, she stared at a spot on the shiny plastic tablecloth for a few solid minutes as the others discussed the 'epidemic'. It was easy to get lost staring at the miniscule dips and ridges in the pattern of it. After a while of contemplating the creamy blue color of it, she effectively zoned out.

Until her focal point was disrupted by an intruder in the guise of a small black insect. Charli raised her hand up above the table before anyone knew what she was doing, and with a shout of "HEY LOOK, A BUG!" brought it down with a loud smack.

"Oy!" Jason chastised. A paper plate had been uprooted to land in his lap.

"Charli, honey, why don't you go wash your hands..." Rachel suggested meekly.

Charli hopped up obligingly and smiled at her palm. Gaara tapped her on her shoulder. "I'll hold your phone for you." It wasn't an offer so much as a demand. She fished it out from the pocket hidden in the frills of her dress and slapped it roughly into his open hand, then proceeded to skip off towards the house. As she went, she noticed with unpreceedented joy that Shino, who had been quiet as was characteristic of him and Gaara, was staring with slightly open-mouthed horror at the dark smudge that was the bug's grave. She had forgotten about that. Oh well! Her attempt with Kakashi had failed, but at least she had one-upped someone.

XxX 

"So Dad, what do you think about the napkins? Because I've asked a lot of people and they say the green ones are nice, but I think the color is a little overpowering...I would ask mom, but she's a bit smashed..." Rachel glanced in the direction of her mother, who was cackling loudly as she escorted some of her escaping guests to the door.

Roger hesitated. "Darling, it makes no difference to me. Why don't you ask Jason? His input is more important than mine anyway."

"NU-UH," Jason refused vehemently, holding up his hands in protest. "I don't want anything to do with this wedding planning crap. I've told her before, obsessing over napkins is just one step away from obsessing over _toilet paper_."

"Oh! I should speak to the janitorial staff about that! Thank you so much for reminding me!"

Jason gaped at her while Roger chuckled. "That was not what I meant—Are you serious? You aren't. Right?"

"Of course I am! Now about invitations—"

"I told you I don't care if you go with the Susie-Lou or Jenny Craig or Martha Stuart font or whatever!" Jason assured her quickly.

"I meant who we're inviting. I've got my half covered. So you'll want to invite your parents—"

"No. I do not want my crazy mother to come. It's supposed to be a wedding, not a slaughter," he said in all seriousness. "And to tell the truth," he began quietly, eyeing Roger, who was watching patiently. "I'm not sure I want demon child there either."

"You mean Charli?"

"Yes!"

Rachel pouted. "Aww...I was going to ask her to be my flower girl."

Jason blanched. "She has a thing about dresses, if we tried to get her in one again so soon after today she'll go beserk! You don't want to do that."

"I heard my name." Charli popped up on the other side of the couch Rachel and Jason were whispering over.

"No you didn't."

"Yes, I wanted to know if you would like to be our flower girl." Rachel smiled.

"I'd love to!" Charli agreed, if only so she could relish at her brother's unhappy expression.

"You'd have to wear a dress," he offered desperately.

Rachel shrugged. "Not if you don't want to. I want everyone to be comfortable."

Jason cocked his head at her, breaking into a grin. "In that case, I'll be wearing my boxers, and that's it."

"The rule doesn't apply to you," Rachel monotoned, annoyed.

The eccentric doctor groaned and slumped his head against the back of the couch.

Rachel's mother's quarry had escaped her, and she had returned to hear the last bit of the conversation. "Good job hon, keep him on a short leash," she cackled.

xXx 

Kiba and Shino had remained outside when everyone else had gone in for dessert. "There, there, dude," Kiba said awkwardly, patting Shino on the back with one hand and scratching Akamaru's ears with the other. "I'm sure he lived a good life."

"I hardly think you'd be the one to judge," Shino muttered skeptically.

Kiba sighed. "That's the best I've got. Sorry."

But Kiba and Shino's uncomfortable moping was interruppted by the arrival of two painfully giggly people. Upon looking up, the ninjas also discovered that they were painfully sparkly and neon.

"Hi!" offered the pink one loquaciously. Her curly blonde hair was stiff with product, and her four inch stilletos were sinking into the grass.

"Are you old enough to drink that?" Shino asked, pointing to the pale bubbling beverage they each clutched with pink-taloned nails. The giggling went up a notch.

"It's just cider," said the other, clad in a slinky purple dress with a dangerously low-cut neck. "But Daddy said we could have some wine if we wanted," she added slyly. "I'm Nicole."

The other one shifted her weight to her other foot in an effort to halt the sinking. She flicked a curl off her neck as she did so. "I'm Jenny," she said.

XxX 

"Charli, why don't you and your little friend take the dogs for a walk and when you get back we'll open presents?" Maddie suggested.

By now most everyone had left, save for Rachel, Jason, Kakashi, and a few of Roger and Maddie's close friends. Charli rolled her eyes. "He's not my friend, but I'm sure he'll come anyway. He's pretty much stalking me," she sighed.

There was a loud uproar of laughing from all her naive elders as she got up. Gaara followed predictably.

"Oh look at that, just like a little puppy!" Roger cooed.

"How sweet," chortled a lady wearing a ridiculously cliche Reindeer sweater.

"Charli, if you're going, could you take Tracey too? She should be upstairs," Rachel said.

"Who are those young ladies outside talking to my sons?" Kakashi asked after the two kids had left.

"Ah," Rachel said, her expression slightly less jubilant than it had been a moment ago. "Those are my sisters, Nicole and Jenny."

"Do they know Jason and his sisters?" the ninja continued on a hunch.

"Yes, Jenny goes to school with Leah, and Nicole is a couple years older. They heard a door squeak open and close somewhere else in the house.

"So they're friends with Leah? They go around the house sometimes?"

Rachel thought for a moment, watching the group of teenagers outside absentmindedly. "Sure, they're friends. They go over and hang out once in a while."

"Interesting."

As they continued to watch in silence, a large white blur darted across the yard, followed soon after by an alarmed looking Kiba. Shino apparently offered some apology to the bewildered girls, and followed his friend.

Rachel laughed quietly and turned back to the conversation. Nicole and Jenny, having lost their entertainment, made their way back towards the house.

xXx

"...Why are you here again?" Charli asked Kiba.

"I think Akamaru likes that other dog," Kiba whispered. There was really no reason for him to whisper, actually. For one thing, Akamaru and Tracey were dogs. And because they were dogs, it would have been very easy for them to hear Kiba's comment, which Kiba well knew. For another thing, there was no reason his words would have been a secret or something that caused offense. So yes, the whispering was stupid.

Indeed though, the gargantuan canine was trotting happily beside the slightly dwarfed Tracey with his tongue hanging out. Charli watched them while loosely clutching Tracey's leash. It would have been as pointless as Kiba's whispering for her to hold on to it tightly. In a battle of physics between an eleven year old girl and an Irish Wolfhound, the dog would win. Luckily Tracey was equally enthralled by the friend of Charli's enemy, and had no intention of starting such a war.

­­­­"I don't understand why that requires your supervision," Charli mumbled. She was having trouble enough avoiding Gaara, let alone Kiba and Shino. With this unfortunate new development, she couldn't hope for Gaara to be distracted by Roger and Maddie's basset hound, which she had put in his care. The fat beast simply sniffed along the sidewalk nearly tripping over its own droopy ears. Gaara was having absolutely no trouble with him, though he did look uncharacteristically domestic…

"It just does," Kiba supplied lamely. For some reason he appeared to be sulking. "Why are you guys walking out here anyway?"

"The adults told us to. It's basically just because they don't want kids hanging around them. I think it's because they talk about sex or something," the girl explained.

Kiba broke out in unashamed laughter, and she couldn't quite tell because of his glasses, but Charli was pretty sure Shino had directed his eyes to a nearby ant trail they were passing, pretending he hadn't heard.

"I am the Kazekage of the Sand Country," Gaara mentioned as indifferently as he could, "I am not a child."

Charli smirked. "Yes, but you are very short."

Kiba snickered again. Shino focused on a moth. Gaara was silent again.

_Small victories_, the girl thought contentedly. She watched Akamaru and Tracey sniff each others' faces as they walked.

"Um," said Gaara more awkwardly than Charli would have thought possible for him. He pointed to the basset hound, which had stopped at the yard they were passing and was assuming an unmistakable position.

Charli shrugged and kept walking. "Don't look at me, , I'm sure you can handle it."

XxX

Kakashi tried not to appear as a pedophile as he started a conversation with Nicole and Jenny. "So I see you two have met my sons," he began as they joined the group.

"Yeah," giggled Jenny. "They were cute. Except Kiba kept laughing when I said his dog was huge…" She frowned, her eyes wide and empty of any modicum of intelligence.

Kakashi was very thankful he had not been drinking anything, as it would have spurted out his nose in an ungentlemanly manner. He managed to disguise his snort by giving a small cough. "Well, I'm sure he meant no offense," the ninja said. "I've heard you're also friends of Leah and Jason and Charli. They have a lovely house."

"Oh my gosh yeah! It's like, so big!" gushed Nicole.

"Yes, they certainly have enough room to accommodate all their strange guests," he continued smoothly. "Myself included, of course."

"Oh you mean like those guys that were there before?!" Jenny squealed. She glanced at her sister and they both giggled ferociously. Kakashi shrugged slightly, leaving his reply open to interpretation. As he hoped, they took this as a sign to continue.

"That one guy with the hair!"

"And his eyes!"

"No the other one."

"Oh my gosh I know!"

"He was sooo pretty."

"I liked that one guy, you know? He was kind of short but he was really sexy."

"Which one?"

"The guy you said was shiny."

"Oh yeah he was really hot!"

They went on like that for about a minute, waving their hands around like a crazy psychic, all their bracelets and bangles jingling together almost as loudly as their high-pitched words. Kakashi's brow furrowed and he stared at them, focusing so hard it almost hurt. But try as he might he couldn't figure out who in the hell they were talking about, and none of the information was even remotely valid anyway.

He cleared his throat and they stopped momentarily. "Did you ever talk to any of these people?" he asked, hoping their lack of astuteness would overlook the weirdness of his question.

"Yeah, I talked to the blonde guy," Nicole said.

Deidara. "What about?"

"I asked him what he did to make his hair so soft."

"…And you?"

"Oh I told the really sexy like, emo guy he would look good if he got red streaks or something," Jenny informed him happily.

Kakashi stood up. "Excuse me," he said. The girls gladly went back to their reverie.

The ninja leaned against the kitchen cabinets and put a hand over his eyes. He had a feeling that Naruto on his worst day was at least twice as smart as those two girls. Combined.

xXx

It was around eleven when they finally detached themselves from Rachel's family. Most of Rachel's cooking had been consumed, but there was still enough stuff to carry back to the cars that everyone had to help.

Rachel's parents were very generous when it came to gifts. Charli didn't hold it against them that they had gotten her an array of Pretty Ponies, Barbies, and Hannah Montana merchandise. How were they to know she was an evil genius child who would have been more pleased with a gift certificate to Spies-R-Us? Anyway, she had kept them in the box under the pretense of not breaking them, so Roger and Maddie were not put out by her lack of excitement over playing with them. She could make a few bucks on eBay with them later. All was good.

Anyway, at least her presents hadn't been downright _creepy_. The mystery of Jenny and Nicole's promiscuous behavior was solved when Rachel opened a bag stuffed with very inappropriate items from Victoria's Secret. Jason had been laughing his ass off until Roger presented him with a particularly heinous pair of plaid golf pants and an electronic ear and nose hair trimmer. Soon after, her parents had been thanked, and they had expressed rather strongly a need to go home.

When they approached the cars, Jason and Rachel finally noticed that Tracey MacElliot the Third and Akamaru had become inseparable.

"I don't want two horny dogs hanging around in my house," Jason complained. "Two horny dogs leads to many more dogs. And Durham barking, the asshole."

"Oh hush Jason, Tracey's been spayed. And she wouldn't do anything like that anyway, would you girl?" Rachel cooed, scratching Tracey's ears affectionately. "My parent's just picked her up from the vet, he's probably just interested because she smells so fancy."

Jason glared at Kiba as if it were his fault Rachel had so much control over him. Although Kiba did deserve at least a little bit of that resentment, since it was his dog that had become enamored with Rachel's. He rubbed Akamaru's neck and whispered (or maybe growled, it was hard to tell) a few things in his companion's ear. Akamaru licked Kiba's face in understanding and hopped up into the truck bed.

Charli was so tired she didn't even have any energy to pester Gaara. She vaguely remembered she should ask him for her phone back again. He hadn't given it back to her after the bug incident, even though she had tried to tell him she needed it in case she got separated from Jason at the big scary party. The bastard had pointed out he wasn't going to lose her, so he could just as easily be in charge of the phone. In retrospect, she was lucky the ninjas hadn't confiscated it earlier. Maybe it was just because they hadn't known how to use it and now they did, more or less.

Ultimately she had failed to get a message to the Akatsuki. She felt hopeless, sure she had failed where Pein could have succeeded. By now they were probably already making plans to rescue her. Plans she couldn't help them with or be a part of. Plans that were in motion because she was a liability.

Charli was too tired to even be that depressed about it now. Tomorrow she would make more plots. There must be something she could do, a distraction, anything. Even if it was as small as annoying Neji by braiding his hair.

**Authors Note:**

**Leah: We abuse the characters of Naruto too much….**

**Claire: Shut up Leah, half this stuff is your idea.**

**I'm sorry the last half was slightly suckish and rushed-seeming…that's the part I wrote, and I'm a bit out of practice. Plus, I'm not as good at writing Charli.**

**Sorry this chapter was kind of boring too…D8 It will definitely be better in the next chapter. Crazy fun stuff! Yes, yes. We hope to have that chapter to you soon! Summer is good, friends! **

**I love you all!**

**-assassinated-**

**XD**

**P.S. Eva's in Iceland.**

**P.P.S. (Yeah, I know, sorry. I just remembered I had to explain something) In case you aren't from America or you just haven't heard, the Swine Flu thing Kakashi mentioned is this ridiculously hyped up version of the flu that came from Mexico. People obsess over it way too much. I think it's just propaganda to allow Americans to hate Mexicans more. I would say sorry if you hate Mexicans, but I'm not, because that's racist. **

**P.P.P.S. I STILL HATE THE NEW VERSION OF FANFICTION, IT'S GONNA TAKE ME TEN MINUTES TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO POST THIS. **


	19. Princesses and Team Names

**Author's Note:**

**Eva: Yaayyy! Okay. I have returned. :D I am finally done with my writer's block for this story, I do think. –knocks on wood-. Well, more like my boredom with it. But EITHER WAY. I'm back. And this makes me really really happy, so I wrote stuff. Not much for this chapter, but quite a decent amount for the next one.**

**And and and and yeah. Yeah.**

**Claire: Lolll I feel so nostalgic, we're all hanging out and we haven't for a while. It's cool. **

**I think I'm really lame for feeling like we've accomplished something awesome for posting this chapter after a month. Because it's still been a month…But since we decided to split the missions again (the next chapter would have been ridiculously short otherwise) we have a good chunk of it done. Although I don't think I'll be able to write like…**_**any**_** of the next chapter for reasons I cannot say right now. I just fail. I CAN'T THINK OF WHAT ELSE TO SAY, WHICH I GUESS IS GOOD. Cept for business-like stuff.**

**People keep asking things like 'are you still going to have the characters die like they did in the manga' and such. No, we aren't going to kill them off. We essentially are writing this as the manga portrayed it when we started writing, which if you remember was July or August of 2007. We try to integrate small things as we learn them. The only example I can think of is that Hidan says 'seriously' like Deidara says 'un' (and of course Naruto's 'dattebayo'), which we started laying on heavier in the last few chapters.**

**Also, a lot of people commenting on the first few chapters of the prequel feel the need to inform us that Blue's name is Konan. Obviously if you keep reading, you notice we found that out. If you want us to though, we could go back and change them. I think in any case we might post a note on the first chapter explaining this. **

**SMALL SPOILER WARNING!!!**

**If you're reading this story you really should know about what I'm going to address next, but I just figured I should warn you. **

**No, we aren't going to reveal Tobi as the secretly evil mastermind and true leader of the Akatsuki that he really is. We just have him be evilly annoying :)**

**Uhh…Ramble Master is done now. –glance-**

**Leah: Haha I love this chapter. It is fun even though I was kinda useless. Oh well! I've come up with very many crack-filled ideas that we may or may not use! Claire and I keep having these conversations on AIM at late hours of the night and their really hilarious! WE'RE GONNA SELL SHIA LEBOUF (or however the hell you spell his name) ON EBAY AFTER HE MAKES CLAIRE WAFFLES AND WE'LL SELL HIS NOSE HAIRS TOO (Claire: because he wore them in his nose)!**

Chapter 15:

Hidan had been demanding for several hours that they stopped for lunch. Claire was not as rude as he was, but she had neutrally agreed that she was hungry a couple of times in a suggestive, somewhat pleading manner. Kakuzu relented after discerning that they were half way to their destination, and could afford to take a break. He offered them a few words of consent to silence their complaints, and then said nothing else as he guided them on a small detour to a neighboring town.

Claire wondered if all towns had disreputable districts, or if the Akatsuki just knew of the ones that did. She felt very uncomfortable as they walked through the narrow, slimy streets. Unsavory-looking characters lurked in doorways of shabby houses, if you could call them that. She had to constantly repeat a mantra in her head saying that if something bad happened, Hidan would help her if only because it might give him leverage to make her marry him. She wouldn't, of course, but he didn't know that.

"May I ask why we're here instead of a place that's less…dank?" she whispered to Kakuzu, as if she were afraid the dejected houses would be offended by her antipathy towards them.

"I thought it would be obvious," he replied gruffly. "As Akatsuki members, we don't get quite the same privileges as normal, law-abiding citizens. We're safer blending with others of our profession."

"But wouldn't it be smarter to be where they didn't expect you to be? Like...a place sunlight doesn't avoid simply on general principle? If the authorities or whatever wanted to capture some bad guys, couldn't they just go in to one of these places and round up a bunch of people?"

"It's not that simple."

Claire waited for him to give evidence to this conjecture, but it was apparent he didn't plan to. She didn't have the courage to ask anything more. As childish as it was, in situations such as these she would resign herself to saying nothing more than necessary and brooding sulkily to elicit guilt. She knew it wouldn't work, but maybe her bad mood would deter any attempts at conversation. Or marriage proposals.

Speaking of marriage proposals, Hidan smoothly quickened his pace so he was next her and whispered, "The sunny places are much more expensive." Then he caught up with Kakuzu and started arguing with him about directions.

They turned off the already dark and narrow main road into an even darker and narrower side street. And from there they turned on to another, and then another. At times Claire had to turn sideways to avoid scraping her shoulders against the packed, decrepit buildings. She was beginning to doubt Kakuzu could navigate efficiently while arguing with Hidan, and was about to say something when they turned again and were met with an unimpressive brown door. The only thing that separated this dwelling from the others, which Claire supposed to be references, was a sign hanging next to it suggesting food. She unhappily followed the two Akatsuki members inside, hoping the setting would be more agreeable than its exterior.

It was, at least, brighter, though not by much. There were bare light bulbs strung along the ceiling by fraying cords, and gas lamps dotted the tables and the bar. It had the comfortable volume of a restaurant; there was the familiar sound of fryers in the kitchen and glasses clinking. The people looked as homely as would be expected, given the neighborhood, and chattered indiscernibly in their small groups of two or three.

Thankfully, no heads turned to ogle at the signature red-clouded cloaks Hidan and Kakuzu were wearing. Still arguing, they moved to the menu, which was tacked to the wall next to the bar. They didn't seem to stop to consider the menu, but stopped momentarily to bark their orders to the bartender. The man nodded, and then turned to Claire with an impatient and expectant look on his face. She started and peered over at the paper, and after a few moments of hesitation ordered the simplest kind of ramen she could see. Feeling very awkward, she scurried over to the table her companions occupied and stayed quiet.

"Okay, look, you fucking idiot," Hidan was saying irritably to Kakuzu, "It will cut two hours off if we just go _across_ the fucking river, seriously."

"It's fast to go across the river but the forest on the other side is too fucking dense to go through, asshole," Kakuzu retorted.

Hidan swore and shoved his fist in the pocket of his cloak, pulling out a very crumpled map. He struggled to unfold it and tore it a couple of times in his haste, then finally slammed it down on the table. "We don't fucking have to go through the forest if we go along the bank." He stabbed at a line on the map.

Kakuzu swatted his hands away and traced another route. "That way you have to go around the fucking forest. If we go my way we skip the forest _and_ the river. The distance is shorter!"

"Goddamn, you're blinder than Itachi! This—" he stabbed his fingers down on the map "—is way shorter than this."

"Claire, which one is shorter?"

Claire snapped out of her trance and muttered, "What?"

"Which distance is shorter, bitch?" Hidan repeated for the other. He indicated the routes as she watched.

"The second one," she said. Hidan snarled and Kakuzu crossed his arms triumphantly.

"Well what the fuck do I care. You're the one who's gonna be complaining about your feet being tired after two more hours, stupid bitch," Hidan sulked.

Claire did not reply for once. A few minutes later, the bartender appeared and roughly set their food down on the table. She looked into the bowl and hoped the brownish color of the broth was from spices and not dirt. Just to be safe, she picked out the noodles and vegetables individually, making sure they were clean, and chose to ignore the liquid altogether.

XxX

Ninja shoes were amazing. Period. At school, Eva would complain about having to walk around a moderately cool, flat-surfaced gym for forty minutes. But they had gone for four hours over occasionally hilly, sometimes mountainous, and always rough terrain and her legs felt fine. She felt so physically well that she didn't even mind the heat much. She had been marveling at her own endurance and noting the apparent lack of reason for it aloud, when Kisame blankly pointed out her shoes. They were the very boring, standard shoes that almost all the Naruto characters wore that they had gotten in Konoha. She had always thought they looked kind of stupid, but now decreed that she would wear them for the rest of her life.

Eva was surprised when Itachi announced they were stopping, since she felt as if she could walk four more hours before needing a rest. But they weren't stopping to rest, they were stopping for food. They were near a small village cast in cool blue shadows by very large trees. It appeared to have large open spaces perfect for relaxing interspersed between large stucco buildings. Kisame told her the village was a known interval spot for travelers, which explained the large quantities of people milling about that could not all possibly live there. They would be safe from recognition in the crowds.

Still, Itachi suggested that Kisame and Eva stay out of the way due to their conspicuous bindings. He said he would get supplies and food, and would return in an hour or so. The odd pair ambled over to the trunk of their tree, and sat in the shade listlessly.

Eva got bored quickly, and wished she had porn to read. She glanced at Kisame. His eyes were closed and he was sleeping. At least, he appeared to be until he bolted up and became suddenly alert. "I just got an idea!" he announced.

Eva didn't know what to say, so she decided on confused silence. The blue man continued. "I think this town might have a blacksmith! We might be able to get these handcuffs off!"

"Yay!" Eva agreed. "But wait…Itachi told us we should stay here…"

Kisame shrugged. "We can just use the back roads. As long as we don't make a scene or anything it'll be fine. Come on, let's go!" He got up so quickly that Eva was jerked along with him, so she had to do a sort of stumble run to get upright.

They weaved quickly through the cool square buildings, casually hiding their hands behind themselves when they passed anyone. Kisame stopped once in a while, debating which way to go, or peering out at the street to look at some signs.

"What if there isn't a blacksmith here?" Eva hesitantly inquired.

"There is," Kisame said.

They weaved through the streets some more at a quick pace. They passed all sorts of small shops selling baked goods or flowers or simple trinkets. Kisame barely glanced at them as he walked. They were just about to turn when something caught his eye, and he turned the other way. His abrupt movements jerked Eva's arm in an awkward manner, and she fervently hoped Kisame's plan would work.

It was very warm in the store due to the large blazing stove they could see through a door that led out of the main room. Something similar to a peg board held a variety of metal wares from kunai to kitchen ladles against the wall. An elderly man with a very long and pointy white beard was cleaning some strange tools that looked to Eva like miniature fire pokers. He set the tool and his rag down and placed his palms on the counter, looking friendly.

"What can I do for you two young'uns?" he offered sociably.

"Uhm," Kisame coughed. "By some weird chance the two of us were, um, handcuffed together by one of our friends. Well, he's not really our friend but—"

The man interrupted Kisame's embarrassed ramblings and walked around the counter to face them. "Let's see it then."

With some effort Eva tugged hers and Kisame's handcuffed wrists to the man's view. The man's bristly white eyebrows rose slightly.

"They're not ours," Kisame said hurriedly. Eva rolled her eyes.

"I didn't say they were," the man replied neutrally. He examined different aspects of the chain and pulled the pink fuzz away to look at the cuffs. Then he retreated to the room with the stove and brought out some more tools and several pairs of gloves. "Ya might want to put these on," he said, handing each of them a glove of a different size, "for safety's sake."

They obliged, tugging the stiff material of the gloves through the small space around the cuffs. The man instructed them to lay their hands on the counter and put a pair of gloves on himself and affixed some goggles to his eyes. For half an hour he tinkered and poked and pried at the chain, often exchanging implements for more complex ones. A few of them sparked and whirred, while others just scratched. More than once Eva flinched away from the workings instinctively, but Kisame's arm kept hers from getting too far.

He put down his tools and pushed his goggles up to his forehead. Kisame and Eva blinked, wondering if he had separated the cuffs without their noticing. Eva tugged her hand away from Kisame's, but the chain was still intact.

"Sorry folks, I don't think I can get 'em apart. I'm guessin' some very powerful kind of ninja put a jutsu or two on 'em to make 'em so strong. Looks as if the only way to get 'em off is with a key."

"We don't have the key," Eva said despairingly, "We don't even know whose they are."

The man scratched his beard thoughtfully. "I might be able to make a key, but it would take a couple hours."

Kisame sighed and Eva put her head on the counter. "Looks like we're stuck then," Kisame said. "Come on, we have to get back before Itachi…"

He offered the man some money for his time, but the man refused on account of his failure. Besides that, he claimed he couldn't take any money from such a "nice young couple". They were both too absorbed in their misfortune to contradict him, but Eva blushed and stared at the ground while Kisame just kept staring ahead. They navigated back to their spot, and all was just as it had been an hour before.

xXx

"Senpai…" Tobi whined again, plopping down cross-legged on the bird, the wind tousling his dark hair in every direction. "I'm hungry Deidara-senpai…." He clutched his stomach pathetically for emphasis.

Leah's arms were still wrapped around Deidara's waist as they stood between the bird's clay wings. Deidara huffed. "You should have eaten more before we left," he said as if he was talking to a toddler.

"But I didn't know we were going be assigned a mission!" he argued lamely. He dropped his head and stared at his shoes. He looked towards Deidara suddenly with his hand still holding his stomach. "Can we stop and get food? It won't take long!" he suggested brightly.

Leah wasn't going to complain, but she was getting rather hungry herself. Unlike Tobi, she was unwilling to irk Deidara, and she held her silence unhappily. Hopefully Tobi could convince him. Either that or annoy Deidara until he consented. As long as it resulted in food, Leah would be pleased.

"No. Not until dinner. We're going to be late as it is. Two days to get there, at least another day looking for the guy, and another two days to get back. We'll stop for breakfast, dinner, and sleep. You can pack food then."

Tobi whimpered. "How long until dinner?"

Deidara resisted the urge to punch Tobi. "When it gets _dark _out, Tobi," he said through gritted teeth.

"But the sun isn't even close to the horizon yet," Tobi said.

"Tobi if you don't stop talking I'm going to kick you off the bird again." Deidara surveyed the landscape ahead of them. To his dismay, he realized the glimmer of the ocean was just barely visible and they would actually have to land soon. They couldn't start crossing it this late in the day, but it would definitely still be light when they got there. So technically they were early. Damn. Deidara felt like he had lost an argument, but he wasn't going to admit it.

Instead he turned to his orange-masked partner and sighed. "Okay Tobi, I'm bringing the bird down a bit. I need you to be on the lookout for a port town. We'll stop there for the night."

"Yes, Deidara-senpai!" He saluted the blonde and bounced to his feet.

"What did I just say about talking?"

"Sorry, Deidara-senpai," Tobi said, again violating the regulation. He jumped over Deidara and Leah to sit on the head of the bird where he would have a better view of the terrain. He then proceeded to scrutinize the landscape with very superfluous gestures, turning left and right so he would have fallen off if he didn't have chakra, and his hand shielding where his eyes would be. The tall trees obscured the shoreline but he could see a couple of lighthouses spaced a good distance away from each other, one for each port, most likely.

Deidara shook his head and Leah smiled to hold back her giggles.

Suddenly the bird dropped a good twenty feet in altitude. Leah yelped, panicked, and wrapped her arms even tighter around Deidara. "What happened?" she asked, fearing that there might be something wrong with the bird.

Deidara turned his head to look at her. "What, you don't like it when it goes like this?" The bird made another nearly vertical drop that forced Leah to recall the hundred foot tall tower rides that slowly brought you up and then dropped you, letting gravity do the work. "I think it's kind of fun, un." He made the bird dip a few more times.

Leah relaxed a little and laughed, knowing that they weren't going to crash and die. It was fun, despite the obvious danger of falling hundreds of feet to her doom. But trusted Deidara not to let anything bad happen to her. She realized this trust was strange, because he was a criminal and often did things just to get a rise out of her. But she was good-natured enough to believe that deep down he really didn't mean any harm, and when he picked on her or made unwanted advances, he was just playing around.

Tobi pointed to one of the lighthouses at the shore. "Deidara, that town looks good. What'cha think?"

Deidara adjusted his scope and peered at said town. "Yep, that's the place, un," he said, seeing various shinobi and even a few pirates. He figured they would blend in easily, and Leah would be safe as long as she was with them at all times.

Leah felt Deidara's hand wrap around hers he pressed her hand against his firm stomach and blushed. He looked over his shoulder again to talk to her. "Hold on tight, we're landing." The bird's nose tilted steeply and the wind made Leah's hair fly even more wildly around her. She was glad to be shorter than Deidara, else she would have had to deal with his hair as well as her own. Her heart raced and she held on as tightly as she could in fear that she'd fall off. She closed her eyes, not wanting to look at the ground racing closer and closer to them.

The next thing she knew she felt her stomach lurch again and her hair immediately flopped onto her face. She opened her eyes just as the bird planted its feet on the ground. They had landed on the border of a farmer's field and the forest. Deidara had the bird walk a few dozen yards into the forest before it settled in a spot well hidden by the trees.

He pried Leah's hands gingerly off of his waist and started to untie the rope that held them together. "So, did you like the bird?" he asked, watching Leah's expression carefully.

Leah chuckled nervously. "I liked it." She frowned. "Landing is terrifying though."

The artist laughed too as he coiled the untied roped around his hand. "Landing's the best part!" he said and offered Leah a hand off the bird. "Well, second best anyway." She stumbled a bit when she hit solid ground, but Deidara helped her keep her footing.

"It's scary!" Leah argued.

He dismissed the comment. "You'll get used to it."

"Senpai! Can we get food now?" Tobi piped up, holding both his and Leah's backpacks. He would have gotten Deidara's too, but had been instructed not to touch his partner's stuff, or else.

Deidara rolled his visible eye. "Not yet. I need to talk you guys through the new plan."

Tobi dropped the bags and hung his head in disappointment. "Aww, I liked the old new plan."

"Ha, ha," Deidara muttered sarcastically. "The new new plan is better."

"I just don't like the old old plan," Leah whimpered.

"Well you don't have to worry about the old old plan because now we have the new new plan, un."

"You just don't want to dress up like a girl," his partner pointed out.

"No, I don't. But this plan will be easier to execute, and more efficient," he said triumphantly. He pulled off his cloak and put it in the bird's beak along with Tobi's so they wouldn't be as conspicuous when they entered the town. He instructed the bird to hide itself, so it walked off and crouched behind a bush half its own size. Deidara shook his head at the brainless clay beast.

"Okay, here's the new plan, un. Now just bear with me on this it's going to sound a little weird," he began.

"It can't be as weird as you dressing up as a lovelylady," his masked partner remarked with a snicker.

Leah giggled behind her hands.

Deidara glared. Little bastard was seriously trying his luck. "Shut up Tobi," he barked. "Anyway, Leah I'm going to need your cooperation on this, and before you object," he added in quickly when he saw her open her mouth, possibly to object, "I promise that absolutely no harm will come to you and you don't have to say a word. Okay?"

Leah sighed. "So what's the plan?"

"You'll help?"

"Yeah," she agreed with a nod and immediately regretted it. Somehow she felt like she had been tricked. How had she forgotten so quickly the reason for asking about the plan was to decide whether or not to help with it?

But her fate was sealed. Deidara knew this, and merrily clapped his hands together. "Alright! So, Leah, we're going to dress you up in some nice robes and we'll find Wakahisa, un. If Leader's information is correct he should be in a bar, casino, or some sort of nightclub. There won't be too many on that little island, so we shouldn't have too much trouble finding him. When we do find him, I'll start up a conversation. You don't have to say a word; in fact, it's better if you stay quiet. I'm going to pretend to be selling you off—"

"Excuse m—" Leah squeaked, her eyes wide with shock.

Deidara quickly shushed her. "I told you to bear with me, un. If he's as lewd as Pein says he is he'll take the offer. At that point I'll tell you to go to the bathroom to fix your make-up or something so I can discuss the deal in more detail with Wakahisa. You'll meet Tobi in the bathroom or just outside of it depending on the location and he'll help you put this—" Deidara pulled a small vile full of a clear liquid out of his pocket and held it up for them to examine. "—on your lips as a precaution. Alone it's practically harmless, but when mixed with alcohol—and I'll make sure Wakahisa has some—it has the power to kill a grown man in under a minute.

"When you return you will go off alone with Wakahisa, most likely to his hotel room or wherever he is staying. Don't worry because Tobi and I will be watching closely and we'll kill him on the spot if we suspect he'll do something to hurt you, un. But ideally, whenever Tobi or I get the opportunity to kill him without witnesses (present company excluded) we'll take it. We just need you to hold his attention."

"Wait, wait, wait! I'm just going to briefly ignore the fact that I'm pretty much a prostitute in this plan of yours and ask why you can't just snipe him?!" Leah asked in all seriousness.

"'Snipe him'?" Deidara repeated, not familiar with the term.

Leah sighed. "Stealthily kill him from a distance? You know, like what people with sniper rifles do?" she explained.

"We can't have him in a public place. Naturally when ninja are in a highly populated area our senses are heightened, especially when you're an S-class criminal. If he has a pretty girl with him and you're in a private spot, he'll let his guard down. Womanizers like him are almost always extremely sexist, and he'll feel safer and be distracted. There's a much higher chance that we'll be spotted if we just tried to take him out right away, and Pein told us not to get into a fight with him."

"You're ninja! You're supposed to be good at not getting caught!" Leah argued weakly.

"But we're also good at not being caught off guard." Having finished explaining the plan he swung his bag over his shoulder. "Get your stuff."

She and Tobi did as they were told. "Tobi, please tell me you see flaws in his plan. Please," Leah whispered.

Tobi shook his head. "Sorry, Leah-san, but this would work better than our other plans." He patted her back. "Don't worry though. We'll make sure he doesn't molest or rape you. That's Senpai's job!" Leah gaped at his bluntness.

"I heard that!"

"I didn't say anything!" Tobi returned.

"You just—never mind, un." He dragged his hand down his face. "Hurry up. I'm not waiting for either of you."

XxX

Claire had hoped she could pass the second leg of their journey in silence. She was completely fine for a few minutes. But despite her efforts, her idea that all silences were awkward silences resurfaced in her mind. She tried to endure, but her boredom was interminable. There was absolutely NOTHING to do. She couldn't enjoy the scenery because she was too busy walking in it. There were no road signs to count. She didn't have a book, and if she did, she wouldn't have been able to read it. Kakuzu was as antisocial as always, and Hidan was sulking because they hadn't gone his way. Or he was praying again.

So Claire unwisely broke the silences with desperate, pointless questions. She asked how far they had gone, and how far they were going to go. Kakuzu told her to stop whining. She pointed out that that hadn't been her intention; she was just bored. Didn't they ever get bored of walking in silence? Hidan and Kakuzu both laughed coarsely at this. The latter remarked that silence was golden in a rather sinister manner. The former called the latter a money-grubbing dickwad, and added that nothing he said had any value.

The quietude reemerged. Claire debated trying to start another conversation. She actually had a question she wanted answered that her company might _want_ to answer, but it could also result in a long, rambling speech. So she pondered more, vaguely realizing she couldn't offer any compelling or discouraging reasons for either path. Finally she gave in to the whim of 'why not?' and decided to ask.

"So," Claire began. For whatever reason, thinking about it so much made her nervous, but she tried to sound casual. "What the hell is the deal with your religion?"

Hidan glanced at her without turning his face. "What, me?"

"Well, yeah. I doubt Kakuzu's the religious type."

"Why do you want to know?"

Claire frowned. "Just curiosity. I thought it was supposed to be unusual. Not that I know what's normal for any religion…"

"Hn." He smirked. "Maybe I'll tell you…If you marry me."

Claire groaned and kicked a rock. "I thought you forgot about that. You are such a bastard…Well maybe if you tell me now I'll understand and actually _will_ marry you."

"Yeah, right. We Jashinists kind of enjoy our secrecy. That way the meanings and lessons can't be corrupted by idiots. You can only really know if you believe in it, otherwise it's wasted on people who don't understand."

"Maybe Jashinism doesn't even exist. Maybe you're just crazy and you dreamed up this whole facet of reality."

Hidan snorted at the idea, and Kakuzu turned around from several yards away to glare at him. "Fuck that, it exists. But even if I did dream it all up, I dreamt that I'm not supposed to tell you. So I won't. Especially not around that guy, seriously."

"As if I give a shit," Kakuzu growled to him.

"If you don't care why are you listening?" Claire asked. Kakuzu muttered something akin to 'hmph' and kept walking. "So how would you know if someone believed it if they didn't know what it was about? Isn't that kind of a vicious circle?"

Hidan exhaled in a kind of loud sigh. "Yes. Stop asking questions." It wasn't said in a very threatening way, but Claire inferred it was best to obey. He had been surprisingly accommodating up to this point, and she was never really keen on trying her luck in dangerous waters.

The sun had been drifting downward for an hour or so, melting the icy white color into oranges and reds. Claire wondered apprehensively if they were going to be camping out. None of them had brought a sleeping bag, as they were travelling light, and a tent seemed unlikely. At least when they were with Sasuke's group there had been tents. But being totally outside was not agreeable. There were bugs.

Claire chewed her lip to keep from saying anything. She felt guilty about being assigned on this mission anyway, because she knew she would be a hindrance. She didn't want to top it off with being whiny and spoiled. No, she wouldn't say anything.

But as soon as she made this resolution, she looked up and saw little orange lights glowing in the black voids between the trees. They moved promisingly toward the lights. Claire waited until she was close enough to be sure the lights weren't just fireflies, and then attempted to ask in the most neutral way she could, "Are we taking another break?"

"Yes, for the night," Kakuzu managed to reply.

Claire followed happily at the prospect of an enclosed space. This town was much cleaner than the last, and obviously smaller. The buildings had more stability and the lanterns in the windows gave off a honey-like glow. But it still had that eerie feeling to it that the Akatsuki members seemed to feel at home in. The light did not extend to the streets, and pedestrians were scarce. Curtains were drawn and doors were built in private nooks, seeming to discourage visitors and solicitors.

But Claire remained optimistic. The interior of the hotel they entered was cleaner than the hideout had been after Hidan and Deidara had cleaned it, and although that wasn't saying much, it was inspiring. She was surveying a large painting of what appeared to be a map of the Naruto world with a sticker comically marking their location with the words "You Are Here" when she heard Kakuzu ask for two rooms. She had been expecting a room with two beds and a couch, which she would have gladly claimed. The generosity of getting her own room was shocking and admirable, and her spirits were raised to the point of feeling a bit spoiled.

"Wow…thanks. You didn't have to do that," she mumbled, embarrassed.

Kakuzu glanced at her. "Do what?"

Claire averted her eyes and picked at her nails. She was very uncomfortable with receiving favors, and was even more uncomfortable with thanking them. In this case it was especially weird, considering the recipient. "Getting me my own room."

Kakuzu snorted. "Yeah right. Leader always pays for two rooms. I usually save the money and get a room with two beds, but you two idiots will probably keep me up all night."

All traces of humility were immediately vanquished. "Wait, you want me to share with _him_?"

'Him', who had been leaning against the door muttering another weird prayer while all of this took place, suddenly jerked his head up as if he had been slapped. "What?"

"I refuse to share a room with Hidan," Claire insisted, horrified.

"What the fuck?" Hidan said as an invitation for someone to explain.

"He wants us to share a room while he has one to himself!"

"Oh, _Hell_ no! If you're getting your own room, I want one too!" the religious man whined.

"Then pay for it yourself," suggested Kakuzu.

There was a three-way glaring contest of admirable hostility, then Hidan dropped his bags and scythe to the floor and stomped to the reception desk. "Fine, fuck it! Get me another room." He shoved a couple of wadded-up bills at the greasy-haired man behind the counter.

"Sorry guy, no vacancy," the man returned, not sounding very sorry at all.

"This is not cool," Claire hissed at Kakuzu. "This isn't appropriate either. Don't you have any sense of decency?"

"As a matter of fact, I don't. You're the one who said I 'didn't have to'."

"Augh! Well then, let me give you a lesson from Manners 101: that's just something people say, you never fucking mean it!"

Kakuzu ignored her and decided to harass Hidan. "I'm surprised you're not happy about this. I would have thought you'd want to get used to sharing a bed, since you're gonna be married and all." He had unlocked the room door, it being at the front of the adjacent hall in the small building. Before slamming it shut, he chucked the other key at Hidan, who numbly caught it.

Claire irritably stomped over to him and grabbed the key from him. "Don't just stand there like the fucking idiot you are, bring the stuff."

Hidan sighed again and, after roughly picking up the bags, followed her. "I call the bed, you get the couch," he offered courteously.

"Fine with me, Princess."

xXx

Eva found one thing to be glad about—she got to cook. When they had found a clearing to camp out in for the night, she realized dinner was in order, and immediately volunteered. Neither of the Akatsuki members had any reason to reject this proposition; thus, the meal-making was left to her (with the cooperation of Kisame's arm). It was only when she had looked up to observe Kisame and Itachi talking quietly about the mission that she realized how amazing it would be to see either one of them cooking. She tried to imagine it without much success. Kisame looked very awkward and Itachi just looked…_wrong_. Knowing what an overactive imagination she had, she didn't doubt her interpretations were off, and scolded herself for cheating herself of the chance to observe the real thing.

When they were done eating, Eva felt the need to intrude on their conversation. She had been listening for a while but none of it made any sense to her, and she wished for a cure for her idleness. "What are you guys talking about?"

There was no reaction from either of them. She assumed she had not been heard and repeated the question a bit louder.

Kisame sighed and Itachi just looked at her. "Mission stuff," Kisame replied vaguely. He then continued talking about 'mission stuff' without any more clarification.

Eva did not take the hint and continued to inquire. "What kind of mission stuff?"

"We're planning."

The persistent girl contemplated this. "Shouldn't you guys tell me the plan?"

"It doesn't concern you."

Eva lifted her wrist as much as she could and the cuffs consequently jingled, making her point. "Maybe if you tell me the plan I can figure out what to do or not do so I don't…like…get in the way as much," she replied.

Kisame tried to keep his tone the same, but it was evident that this comment had softened his manner ever so slightly. "Don't worry about that."

"It's late," Itachi said simply. "We should sleep. We can plan more tomorrow when we're walking." He got up settled a couple dozen yards away from them. Whether it was to be away from the fire or his intellectually inferior companions, no one but Itachi could say. Not that he would.

Kisame stabbed at the fire with a stick before tossing it in. It crackled loudly, and the two of them watched as it blackened and turned to ash. "Itachi's right, we should get some rest. You're probably tired," he said.

Eva shook her head, only half present as she watched the ribbons of yellow and orange twist through the air. "I'm not that tired actually. I think it's these shoes. They're really awesome." She wiggled her toes as if they were so excited by the superior footwear they could not contain their excitement.

"Nonetheless, sleep is necessary. First I think I should check that, though." He pointed to her bandaged arm. She had forgotten about it (no doubt thanks to Zetsu's amazing pain pills) and was slightly shocked to see a rather large splotch of blood that had soaked through. Being aware of it caused the pain to resurface to the front of her mind, though it was only a stiff, dull ache.

Kisame removed the bandages and observed the wound. Despite her fear and repulsion, Eva involuntarily looked at the wound. It was actually a very shallow cut, but to Eva it looked like a deep chasm carved out by a river of blood. In the most superficial places weak scabs had formed. They were laced with cracks that threatened to open and spill more blood.

"Don't freak out," Kisame said, noticing her expression. "Keep your heart rate slow or it might start bleeding again."

Eva gulped and forced herself to look at the fire again, but it reminded her a little of the bloody gash Kisame was gingerly re-wrapping. She looked to the sky instead, at the deep blue velvet salted with stars. After a few minutes and some awkward-head turning, she realized she couldn't find the Big Dipper. Then she realized they probably had different stars in the Naruto world.

"Do you have constellations here?" she asked.

The shark-man glanced upward. "Yeah. I don't know any of them though."

Eva accepted this without disappointment, the subject having thrust her mind into deeper thoughts. "Do you think our world is out there somewhere, like, millions of galaxies away? And the jutsus you use to go between them are just transcending space, not dimensions? Or are we in a parallel Universe?" Kisame didn't respond, as he was busy setting up the sleeping bags. She kept voicing her train of thought as it came to her. "I wonder if in every parallel Universe there's only one world. That's really lonely. Or maybe there are a different number of worlds in every Universe, but in each parallel one there's a different version of the one before that…" She blinked and knit her eyebrows together. "Okay, I'm starting to confuse myself."

"Good. Take another pill and go to sleep," Kisame ordered.

She obligingly swallowed the medicine and shuffled into her sleeping bag, her handcuffed arm lying outside a bit awkwardly. "Do you ever think about that stuff?"

"I think everyone does."

"Yeah, but do you?"

"Eva, I'm part of 'everyone'."

"Oh, right." She was silent for about a minute. "Do you think Itachi does?"

Kisame groaned tiredly and put his hand over his face. "Itachi's part of 'everyone' too."

"I don't think so. I think Itachi knows everything already, so he doesn't have to think about it."

He had to laugh at that a little. "Okay, now that we've determined Itachi is God, go to sleep."

"I'm not tired yet."

"You're not getting anywhere by talking."

"Yes I am. I'm getting to know you better. It might make being handcuffed together more tolerable," Eva explained.

Kisame lifted his wrist with no real hope and attempted to pry the hinges apart for the millionth time. He gave up very quickly and dropped his wrist again.

"Whose handcuffs do you think these are?" Eva tried, sensing he didn't feel like talking about himself.

"I've already told you, I don't know."

"I know you don't _know_, but what do you _think_?"

"Eva, you are really starting to annoy me. You MUST shut up, now."

"Fine." She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but she really wasn't tired at all. It vaguely occurred to her the pain pill might be keeping her awake. Eva was tempted to ask Kisame if he knew if it did that, but had a feeling he would say he didn't know. Instead she closed her eyes again and let her thoughts drift from place to place about meaningless things.

The fire had died down and Kisame was almost asleep when he heard her giggling. "What now?"

"I just thought of something. If you take the first letter from your name and my name and Itachi's name and arrange them, you get IKE! Like from Super Smash Brothers!" She giggled more. "Hee hee…we're Team IKE!" She mimicked the dramatic voice of the announcer poorly as she said 'IKE'.

"That's lovely, Eva." Kisame didn't actually think it was lovely. He continued in a condescending tone as if he were speaking to a four year old. "Now think of one for Leah's and Claire's group too, and you can tell me all about it in the morning. But if you say anything else right now, _I will kill you_."

Eva peeked over at Samehada leaning against a tree like a menacing bodyguard. She nodded as a sign of comprehension and silently contemplated her task.

XxX

As expected, Tobi wasted absolutely no time following the delicious aroma of hot food to a small restaurant just off of the main street of the town. Deidara and Leah followed the overly excited masked man at a leisurely pace while Tobi pranced ahead like a hyper puppy on a walk.

He pressed his mask to the window but to his dismay he couldn't see into the dimly lit interior. "Deidara-senpai! We should eat here!" he said anyways, pointing to said dining establishment.

"I really don't care anymore Tobi, un," Deidara said flatly.

Tobi rushed into the restaurant without waiting for them to catch up.

Deidara shook his head and laughed humorlessly. "The kid is going to drive me insane, un."

Leah smiled awkwardly. "Yeah," she agreed. "Maybe we should drug his food," she offered jokingly.

He laughed for real this time. Leah couldn't tell if he was laughing at her or with her. It didn't really matter because she laughed too.

The inside of the restaurant was warm and comfortable and very brown. The walls, as well as the majority of the furniture, were wooden and each seat was covered with leather giving the restaurant an old rustic feel.

Tobi motioned for the two to join him at a table in the corner. Deidara surveyed the other costumers as they made their way across the restaurant. As expected, there were far more shinobi than civilians. And most of those shinobi had the signature of a missing-nin slashed across their headbands. They watched the odd bunch, mostly Tobi because he was the most noticeable and most suspicious looking. The hyperactive masked man seemed to take no notice.

Deidara sat close next to Leah in the booth across the table from Tobi. The closeness wasn't to be a creeper to freak her out as was his usual motive. It was because he noticed the missing-nin looking over to her with a little too much interest. He knew she wasn't in any real danger since he and Tobi could probably take out every ninja here blindfolded, but he really didn't want to get into a fight.

"Deidara, do you think you can order for me? I don't know what any of these dishes are." Leah said shyly, looking a little embarrassed. Her very limited kanji knowledge made it impossible for her to read anything on the menu.

Deidara glanced at the menu, confused. He had heard of all of these dishes and he was pretty sure Leah had heard of the majority of them. "Uhh sure, un," he said. "Anything to avoid?" he asked.

"As long as it's not super spicy and it doesn't have salmon. I'll eat anything else." She paused for a second, remembering the stories her Japanese teacher had told her class about eating out in Japan. "And nothing that's still alive please…" she added for good measure.

Deidara laughed. "Fair enough."

When all the orders had been decided, Deidara called the waiter over and politely told him what they wanted. Leah didn't know why she was trusting Deidara with her food choice because she had no idea what he had ordered for her, but for some reason trusting Deidara seemed smarter than trusting Tobi. Call it intuition.

"I'm so hungry," Tobi whined impatiently, leaning over the table and holding his stomach.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Imbecile," he muttered. "Tobi, why couldn't you have picked a civilian place to eat? We're being watched."

"We are?" Tobi whispered.

Deidara rested his head on his hand and subtly nodded in the general direction of the other costumers. Several of the shinobi were still glancing at them every minute or so, some just stared openly at them because their seating arrangement allowed for it. Leah leaned towards Deidara, trying to get away from the weird looks whether they were directed at her or not, she didn't know or care. She just felt uncomfortable.

Tobi shrugged. "They're probably just staring at Leah," he said nonchalantly.

"What?" Leah squeaked, feeling terribly self-conscious. "Why?!" She wanted to draw her legs up to her chest to hide herself but years of etiquette lessons courtesy of her dad would not allow her to do so at a restaurant.

"Because you're pretty, Leah," he explained. "And because they're not used to seeing, erm," he cupped his hands into the rough shape of breasts and put them over his chest like he was…endowed. "…the size of yours." One hand came up to rub the back of his neck like he was embarrassed, and his other one dropped back onto the table.

Tobi yelped suddenly but managed to keep it relatively quiet so more people didn't start looking. "What was that for, Senpai? I wasn't being bad!" he protested, sounding hurt. Apparently Deidara had kicked him under the table.

"Don't freak her out like that, un. It'll make them more suspicious," Deidara scolded in a hushed tone. "You know damn well that it's probably because they think they recognize us," he reasoned.

"Ohh," Tobi said.

Deidara muttered a few insults under his breath but went back to acting casual. The waiter came by with their food and Deidara told him that they were in a bit of a rush and asked to pay the check then. The waiter happily obliged.

Deidara and Tobi immediately dug in, but Leah, who had been given a dumpling-type entrée, stared at it, wanting to know what was inside of it. Deidara grabbed her wrist gently, "Eat it, Leah. Please? I promise you'll like it." He sent her a goofy smile.

Leah picked the food up with her chopsticks and took a bite. Of course, Deidara was right and she quickly finished the first dumpling. He was content.

They all ate in happy silence for a few minutes, and then, suddenly, Leah let out a large sigh. "Deidara, What are you doing?" she asked calmly.

He looked honestly baffled. "What? I wasn't doing anything other than eating…" he gestured to his food.

"I hardly believe that Tobi would try to feel up my leg."

Tobi looked uncomfortable. "Um, Leah? I'm really really sorry! I thought it was Senpai's leg!"

Leah just looked shocked, but Deidara looked doubly offended. "Why the fuck would you try to feel me up?"

"No one was talking and I felt like I should do something…and I wanted to test my theory about Deidara-senpai's hair!"

Neither one of them needed clarification about exactly what that theory was.

Deidara stood up, but Leah immediately pulled him back down. "Don't make a scene."

"That little _twerp_ has just about snapped my last nerve. Tobi. I am not gay. I am not a girl. I am not girly. I just like long hair. Fucking deal with it, un."

"Actually, Deidara-senpai…I just wanted to see if your hair would stand on end when you felt something creepy. I thought it might be too heavy, but I wasn't sure."

"Huh. Sure." He let it go though, not wanting to seem defensive.

If it was possible for someone to send a mischievous grin at someone while wearing a mask, Leah would have sworn that's just what Tobi did.

xXx

Upon entering the room, Claire had dashed to the couch (her gratitude that there was indeed a couch was interminable) and squashed herself in the corner farthest from the bed. Hidan swore at the doorway for inhibiting his entrance and kicked the frame. Somehow the jolt helped and he staggered forward without much composure. He noticed his roommate watching him suspiciously and scoffed. "You look fucking ridiculous, seriously."

"Hypocrite."

Hidan turned his head and saw in the mirror that his silver hair had been disheveled by his stumble. He ran his fingers through it, replacing the hairs with surgical precision.

Claire felt the need to explain her state, though unbidden. "I'm trying to pretend I don't have to share with you by being as far away from you as possible. I'd think you'd like to do the same."

"What gave you that idea?" he asked, still messing with his hair.

The girl narrowed her eyes, suspicious. She was quite good at recognizing sarcasm, but that had been a straightforward question. "The tantrum you threw in the lobby or whatever that room was."

Hidan snickered, obviously relishing what he would get to say next. "I'm just pissed that Kakuzu's getting to do whatever the fuck he wants, fucking bastard. I don't mind sharing with you." He took off his shoes and cloak and flung himself down on the bed. "Besides, the bastard made a point. We should get used to sleeping in the same bed." He patted the space next to him with a very sadistic look on his face.

Claire hissed at him.

The smug look on the ninja's face was replaced with one of utter disbelief. "You did not just fucking hiss at me."

Claire hissed at him again.

"Fine, be that way." He turned over and pretended to be hurt.

Claire scowled. No fucking way she was going to sleep. Still, she knew she had made that resolution before and had failed due to extreme fatigue. Looking around the room, she saw the typical cheap hotel fittings. There was a lamp without a shade and a pad of paper on a simple end table in the corner across from her, and a very small painting of some unoriginal scenery on the wall behind her. That wouldn't be enough though…

She got up and opened the closet door with some effort, as it was broken. There was one wire hangar in it, and, to her great disgust, a few dead bugs. Claire grabbed the hanger and quickly closed the door, hoping they were indeed dead. Otherwise she'd have two reasons to stay awake all night.

The tiny bathroom contained a very disturbing trashcan. Despite her need for objects of any kind, she chose to leave that one. Instead she grabbed the nearly empty bottles of shampoo, soap, and whatnot, and her bag from the floor on her way back to the couch.

The medley of stuff was dropped in a pile on the floor and neatly arranged so that it was spread as evenly as possibly before two thirds of the couch's length. The picture from the wall was then retrieved and added to the mix.

Hidan chose to watch these strange proceedings with silent amusement, but could not for the immortal life of him discern her purpose. Currently, Claire was glaring at him with a very vindictive hatred evident at having to be so close to him to unplug the lamp. The bulb flickered out and she quickly retreated to place it next to the couch with everything else.

"Bitch, what the fuck are you doing?" Hidan finally asked.

Claire seemed to be considering something. Hidan was about to insist on her answering, thinking she was pondering whether or not to answer him, when she made an unrelated decision to move the small end table, too. "I'm making a barrier," she huffed, stepping over her said barrier to burrow into the couch.

"That barrier wouldn't keep a lemming out," he informed her skeptically.

"I know. It's more of a warning system. Hopefully noise will alert me to any _intruders_."

"Have you forgotten that I am a _ninja_? We tend to be good at sneaking."

Claire made an incomprehensible whine that made her sound a lot like Leah. "Just stay over there," she demanded feebly.

"You're the one who invented the whole 'Hidan's a creepy rapist wooo' scenario." He wiggled his fingers to indicate the 'wooo'.

"Even you can't deny the creepy part. As for the second thing, I didn't invent that either. Do you not remember what happened just this morning?"

"That was a fucking accident."

"Yeah, sure. And Zetsu is secretly Michael Jackson's child."

Hidan considered this. "That would make sense, actually."

"DIE."

"Sorry, can't."

Claire screamed with less gusto than she felt into the pillow for fear of disturbing neighbors. "I wish there was some way I could _make_ you stay over there," she muttered. "But there isn't, so I'm not going to sleep."

Hidan sighed deeply. He was feeling exasperated at her stubbornness, and he would rather she shut up than keep arguing, as much fun it was to torment her. "Claire, look, I won't go over there, seriously. I swear on Jashin-sama."

She managed to overlook the compliment of being sworn to on a god. "Did you just call me 'Claire'?"

"…Yeah, so?"

"I don't think you've ever done that before. It sounds weird."

"Oh really? Claire."

"Stop it, I much prefer 'Bitch'."

"I dunno, it's kind of fun. Claire. Claire, Claire, Claire!" He basked in the refreshed aura of hatred she was sending him. "It's like water. Just rolls off the tongue. Claire-y Claire, Claire-Bear. Cla—Ow, fuck!" He grabbed the pad of paper she had chucked at his head before flinging it to the adjacent wall. "WHAT IS WITH YOU AND THROWING FLAT GEOMETRIC SHAPES AT MY HEAD, DAMMIT?!"

"Now that you've sworn on your Jashin-sama, I suppose I can sleep. Because I know you wouldn't dare defy him, and risk him smiting you."

XxX

After dinner, they went straight to the hotel next door. Deidara purchased two rooms with a very bored, I've-done-this-more-times-than-I-can-count way, and he and Leah took one, while Tobi took another right next to theirs.

It was a decent hotel. The beds creaked, but the covers weren't stained or eaten away by moths or worn. There was only one stain on the carpet, and there was a small desk with a rickety chair. Leah sat down in it and idly started sketching in the complimentary notepad she found. She drew very absent-mindedly, though, thinking more about the upcoming mission and the situation in general than about the bug, strangely resembling a table, which was currently being depicted devouring a large grape with confused eyes that looked suspiciously like the symbol. Then, a large top-hat clad pentapus hovering above them, fork and knife in each front tentacle, preparing to feast on them, when she realized something: she was getting used to it. She was beginning to get used to running around with Deidara and Tobi, and all of them. She, probably very stupidly, felt very comfortable around almost all of the members of the Akatsuki. She was used to having them all in her life, and was pretty sure she didn't want them going anywhere.

The groan of the bed alerted Leah to Deidara's flopping back on it. "What're you thinking about, un?"

"Eh, nothing important." Leah laughed nervously and turned around, so he stared at her expectantly. She didn't want to talk to him about it, because the thoughts were cheesy and nostalgic, but if she said so, she would just come off as being a tease, so instead she said, "I think I'll trust you next time you ask me to eat something."

"Heh. I'm glad." He turned onto his stomach, head buried in the pillow. "What time is it?"

"Uh…" She looked at the small clock on the far back corner of the desk. "About seven."

"Ughhhh. I'm bored, un." He turned onto his back again and pulled out some clay, quickly letting his hands eat it, and sending a small hummingbird around the room, until it finally perched on Leah's shoulder.

"It's…not going to explode, is it?"

"No, no, it will."

"D-Deidara!" Leah spluttered, attempting to lean away from her own shoulder in vain. He had it hop closer over to her neck and rub its head lightly on her skin. She shrieked and clasped her hands around her neck tightly, causing the small clay bird to flitter aside in the interest of self preservation. "I don't like things on my neck," she squeaked. "Please make it go away…"

Deidara shrugged and obliged, flying the bird to the center of the room before making it explode. Leah yelped again at the sound. The sparks of residue drifted to the carpet…and instead of smoldering out, glowed brighter until reigniting. She started screaming at him to put it out in panic, but he just frowned and took his time getting off the bed to stamp out the hazard.

"At least the carpet was already dark, un," he said, nudging the slightly ashy blackened spot amid the navy blue with his foot.

She hesitantly went back to sit down where she had been before, and began drawing once more. A little less than a minute later, Deidara walked over and looked over her shoulder. She hurriedly covered the paper up with her arm, but he patiently removed it. "What the hell is this?" he laughed.

"Just doodles. Go away." She took the paper, crumpled it, and threw it in the trash can.

He frowned. "I didn't mean to make you throw it away." He took her by the hand and had her stand up. Leah looked extremely weary, but didn't resist or say anything. He picked her up and jumped onto the bed, still tightly latched onto her. "There's nothing to do, so let's just lay here until we fall asleep." Leah's eyes were wide as he settled down next to her.

"Uhh, I thought—"

"—just get some rest, un."

"O-okay…"

He smiled and snuggled into her hair, so they were almost spooning. And strangely, Leah didn't mind.

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: Durr hurr. Claire' fails at everything always. **

**LOLOLOLOL SPEAKING OF FAILING WE'VE BEEN PLAYING MARIO KART AND WHEN THE PIZZA CAME I WAS LIKE 'WE SHOULD PLAY WITH OUR TOESSSS' AND IT WAS AWESOMELY EPIC FAILURE.**

**BUT BUT BUT BUT ONE TIME I GOT **_**FIRST**_**. WITH MY TOES. **_**TOES!!!!**_

**I just feel like being a retard again but I loooooooooooove Charles Dickens. I just discovered this recently because I randomly decided this summer I would read a whole bunch of classic literature. So I read Oliver Twist, Pride and Prejudice, Candide, the Picture of Dorian Gray, and I'm working on Great Expectations. Hart.**

**But I hated Candide. Why do I always hate books Eva recommends….**

**Cept I don't think I'll hate them as much as Grapes of Wrath, which we HAVE to read for AP English –dies-**

**Leah: I got everyone to read the Vampire Chronicles and they are EPIC! Lestat and Armand are the most awesome vampires in existence even though Armand is a total dick! –rambles about books for ten minutes-**

**Haha, Deidara didn't knock on wood D:**

**Eva: OMG YES! Thank you for bringing it up Leah!! Vampire Chronicles is now my favorite series. Ever. It has philosophy, psychology, ridiculous amounts of sexy, really amazing writing, etc etc etc. I'll spare you most of my spazzing. But Armand is amazing. I love him. 0.0 Lestat is second coolest, because he knows he's sexy. **

**Uh…right. **

**Yeah. Okay, so I'm really looking forward to the next chapter because of all the cool shit I get to write. Because it's fun. :) It'll be really easy to tell which parts I dealt with. I get more perverted as it gets later, and I wrote a lot around midnight and 1 last night…or this morning. Whichever. Fufufu. Look forward to it. See you sooon~~**

**Claire: Although. It kind of sucks. Because Leah's internet isn't working…and the chapter's on her computer. So we won't get to post this until it decides not to fail. OTL**

**(And Charles Dickens is awesomer than Vampire Chronicles –hides from Leah and Eva-)**

**Leah: He probably is BUT ARMAND AND LESTAT ARE STILL AWESOME!**


	20. Horrible People

Claire: Hi guys.  
This is getting so unbelievably unacceptable.  
I just wanted you all to know that I know that. I've tried to tell Leah and Eva we need to say something like 10 times, but we all made promises to write, but obviously it didn't get done. I feel so terrible that we've been dragging this out for, what, like, more than a year? It's freaking ridiculous.  
I'm sure you totally don't care about this story anymore; I don't blame you at all. But honestly, I didn't think it was possible to ever be this busy. I really feel like I shouldn't make any excuses and we've said stuff like this before, and other people definitely have it worse, and we're just weak for not being able to deal with our own lives…Well, I don't know about Eva and Leah but I know I've had some serious problems recently because of stress….Um, that's all I'm going to say….  
Also, I realize what I just wrote probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, grammatically and such. Heh, so you probably wouldn't want me writing anyway…  
I know we've done this so many times before and every time we say the same apologies and it's probably getting really old. I know, and I'm really not expecting you guys to keep reading or keep being patient or anything. Really. But before you have come through and surprised us and been so nice, so I just want to say, we will finish this. I don't know when…Our goal was to get it done before school started, but school started almost two months ago, so we failed that. Our new goal is to finish it before the end of the year. There are a couple of breaks coming up where we might be able to get ahead on work and actually be able to have a second to THINK about this.  
Again, I'm so, so sorry.

Eva: Actually Leah was the only one who said that. I've always said I wasn't able to work on it with my homework. Gosh Claire. =P  
Claire really said it all, but I do want to re-say that we had no idea how much homework we were going to have. It's my personal opinion that next time we update anything, we should update EVERYTHING and have it finished. Just so we can stop torturing you guys.  
Ughhhhh if I were you I would be beyond 'these guys suck' and into 'Why do I still have them on my alert list again? I can't remember'. T_T So to everyone who still has us on their alert list...I'll love you forever and ever and ever and you're a really good person and and and and .

Claire: Right…I keep forgetting I actually wanted to ask about what Eva said. Would you guys rather we wrote the rest of the story and posted it all at once or posted when we got a chapter done? ):

Leah has no comment….


	21. Bamboo and Blue Flowered Curtains

**Author's Notes:**

**Claire: Author's Notes at the end only this time. Happy New Year!**

**Here is a summary of what's been happening, since we've been gone so long:**

**Claire, Hidan, Kakuzu: Hidan still needs to marry Claire; Claire very much does not enjoy sharing a room with Hidan**

**Itachi, Kisame, Eva: Eva thinks bonding with Itachi will make their handcuffed time together more bearable; Itachi is God**

**Deidara, Tobi, Leah: Deidara did not want to dress up like a girl, so Leah will be poisoning their target with his and Tobi's assistance; they cuddled :3**

**This just in: Claire fails at summaries**

Chapter 16:

The bird landed in Kirigakure about an hour after sundown. Just as before they rented two rooms; Tobi got his own while Leah and Deidara shared. Deidara had insisted on sharing a bed with Leah, and again, Leah didn't give an argument. He held her most of the night while she slept but he for whatever reason couldn't get any sleep. His felt a continuous tickling in his stomach when he thought of the mission. He figured he was nervous. Hell, he was usually at least a little bit nervous before a mission, but he had never lost sleep over it before.

He kept telling himself that everything would be fine. He'd done more difficult missions than this; far more difficult. He'd lost limbs before! This shouldn't make him nervous at all! Leah's hair smelled of the citrus shampoo offered at the hotel. He concentrated on that.

_Oranges, lemons, limes, and grapefruits belonged to the group of fruit called citrus_, Deidara thought._ Most citrus fruits are used in beverages, such as lemonade, limeade, grapefruit and orange juices. Orange juice is commonly used in cocktails, which today almost always contain alcohol. Enough alcohol to paralyze Wakahisa when mixed with the poison Leah will be wearing in less than day._ He pressed his face into the pillow in frustration. _Dammit! _

He calmed himself and rolled onto his back. He tried deep breathing exercises. _Think happy thoughts and breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Happy thoughts_? What could he think about for long periods of time without being sidetracked? Art. That was always a good subject._ Maybe I should learn to design some dinosaurs. Those would be awesome to ride. Not to mention they would look totally badass. And they would be the carnivorous kind, not the weak herbivores. I'd make them with dozens of sharp teeth and claws for each toe. Hell, why not add some horns?! Maybe they could help fight, or at least serve as a distraction. There is strength in numbers after all. What if Wakahisa has more shinobi working for him? Fuck! No. Don't think about the mission!_

_ Inhale. Exhale. New topic. Another favorite topic. Sex. Sex is awesome. One of my favorite things. It's also something I can't do with Leah if Wakahisa kills her. God damn! _Deidara pulled the pillow out from behind his head and squashed it on his face._ Absolutely nothing! _

The clock read roughly five o'clock. It was early enough for him to get up, but he didn't want to. He closed his eyes, hoping he might drift into at least a light slumber. He gave up after another fifteen minutes and sat up. A hand pressed against his chest lightly pushing him down on the bed. Leah held his left arm with both of hers, hugging it tight. "You're warm," she laughed and pressed her forehead to his shoulder.

Tired eyes softened and he smiled warmly at her. "How long have you been up?"

"Mmm, since you slammed your face into the pillow."

"What happened to the Leah who could sleep through a tornado, un?"

She smiled, her eyes not yet open. "I'm nervous about the mission, can't really sleep."

He laughed. "There's nothing to be worried about. You'll be fine." _I hope_. "Nothing bad will happen." Deidara felt like he was lying through his teeth. He had thought of so many things that could go wrong that telling her this was like telling a dying child that everything was going to be okay just so they wouldn't cry. The tickling feeling again. Damn.

Warm cotton brushed against his chest and he felt Leah's breath against his neck. Her arm rested on his sternum, her delicate fingers ghosting his neck. He embraced her lightly before letting one of his hands fall to his side while he rested the other on her back.

"This is very bold of you, un," he noted teasingly.

"You're warm," was her reply.

He picked at a knot in her hair and gently worked it out. "Is that the only reason? Would you cuddle Itachi because he's warm?" he jested.

She shook her head against his chest. "He's not nice like you. I think you're cuter too," she said without really thinking, then giggled at her straightforwardness. She felt herself blushing, not believing that she actually called him cute to his face. She had said it a dozen times to Claire and Eva, but hadn't considered saying it to him. It just came out and she didn't regret it.

Deidara smiled and pulled her closer. For some reason, out of all the multitudes of women who had complimented his appearance, it felt most flattering to hear it from her. "Thanks, un," he said, not really sure of another way to respond to a compliment he completely agreed with. He was definitely nicer _and_ cuter than Itachi, no competition there.

He relaxed in comfortable silence with her for a couple of minutes, feeling her chest press against his as she breathed. He ran his hand over the dip of her spine and the contours of her shoulder blades, being careful not to pull at her shirt in the process. It occurred to him that if something were to go horribly wrong on the mission that this could be only time they'd ever lay together like this. No. He couldn't get close to her now, not when he could lose her in a matter of hours.

"Come on, Leah, we need to get ready," he said, even though they had more than enough time to get ready for the mission. What they needed right now wasn't to become closer, it was distance. He needed to be platonic.

xXx

Leah couldn't understand why Deidara was being so cold towards her when they left that morning. She figured she had done something wrong. Maybe she had been too bold? Was he mad at her for resting her head on his chest? She couldn't think of anything else she had done and it was bothering her. He'd done worse to her than mere snuggling, so he had no right to be mad.

Whatever the reason was, Leah did not want to make things worse. She kept a respectful distance from Deidara and talked with Tobi. She saw Deidara looking at her occasionally then quickly avert his gaze when he realized that she had noticed him. Was he really that mad at her that he snuck glares? What had she done wrong?

She frowned and followed Tobi through the town, looking for clothes for her to wear for the mission. She couldn't do much, considering she didn't know what she was supposed to look like, but she could tell Tobi if she approved or disapproved of the garment he chose. He bought her some make-up and got some jewelry at some point. She didn't question how he had gotten the jewelry, but it was pretty. Deidara had gone off by himself to get his and Tobi's disguises. Even though Tobi wasn't supposed to be seen at all, they figured the disguise was a necessary precaution.

Since Deidara had the key to the room he shared with Leah, Tobi allowed Leah in his room to get ready. He laid the recently acquired merchandise out on the bed to make sure he hadn't lost anything from point A to point B. With everything in check, Tobi proceeded to help Leah with her disguise.

XxX

Claire was standing in orange water. It was about two feet deep, and—she sniffed the air—it smelled like carrots! Not bothering to question the cleanliness of if, she scooped some up in her hands and drank. But the drink caused her to cough. This was homemade carrot juice, and it had been made with some really poor quality carrots.

Disappointed and wanting to clear the bad aftertaste from her mouth, she climbed the bank of the rancid juice river onto what she realized were the tops of muffins. Hungrily, she dropped to the ground and began gnawing on a bit of chocolate chip—and promptly spit it out. "Why is it always fucking blueberry? Fruit shouldn't be in goddamn muffins," she muttered angrily.

In search of less offensive sustenance, Claire wandered toward a forest of broccoli. After a bit of hesitation, she bit into one of the trunks, and found it foul as well. She liked broccoli, but not raw. "It's like my dad made all this food…" she observed unhappily.

A large thumping noise and an unusually large and dark shadow alerted her to another approaching life form. The girl turned around and decided "life form" was a bit of an overstatement. Perched upon two gargantuan yellow scaled legs was a headless mass of chicken. Sinewy brown skin stretched over its plump…body...breaking in some places to reveal clumps of squishy collagens and fat.

The meat monster had come from nowhere, but now it was close. Its footsteps somehow boomed as it squashed huge pronged footprints in the muffin ground. Claire watched in horror as it advanced. She had always said she would not submit to the pathetic cliché of being stuck like a 'deer in the headlights', no matter how freaked out she was. But apparently that resolution didn't stick in dreams. She couldn't even scream as the foot closed for its last step, whose destination would have been right where she was standing. The blackness of it grew larger and larger, an imminent void, until—

Claire jerked violently awake and consequently fell off the couch for the second time in a week.

"Whuffuck?!" Hidan sat up as his slumber was also suddenly wrested from him.

"Where's my barrier?!" Claire shrieked. "You swore you wouldn't come over here!"

"I didn't fucking do anything to you! I just moved that stupid collection of junk so you wouldn't make us late in the morning putting it fucking back! And you should be fucking thanking me, or you'd be impaled on cheap hotel lamp right about fucking now! Seriously!"

Claire did not have to retort because her stomach growled at Hidan for her. "Fuck you!" This was surprisingly not directed at Hidan, but at the felonious organ. She followed the verbal abuse with a punch.

"That was one of the stupidest fucking things I've ever witnessed…"

Claire did not feel like explaining so she looked blearily at the window and crawled back onto the couch. She couldn't tell if it was light outside or not due to the heavy curtains. "Is it time to leave yet?"

"Dunno," he shrugged unhelpfully. "So how do you feel about your first marriage proposal of the day?"

"You haven't made one yet," she pointed out dully.

"Marry me?"

"No."

"How do you feel now?"

"Fuck off Dr. Phil." She accompanied the suggestion with and equally benevolent gesture. "Go ask Kakuzu if we're leaving soon. And I understand rude awakenings are your specialty, but I don't think Sleeping Beauty Kakuzu would be as forgiving as me if you wake him with a kiss, Prince Charming."

"I believe you yourself stated that it was 'Princess'. So that's Princess Charming to you, Maleficent."

xXx

"We're supposed to meet Kawaguchi here at noon," Itachi said. It was, in fact, the first thing he had said all day.

Kisame looked up at the sun, presumably to tell the time. Eva looked too, although she had no idea how to tell time from the sun and was only looking for lack of anything better to do. "We have about ten minutes then," the blue man noted. "Sit down, I'll change your bandage again."

Eva didn't hear him at first, having zoned out while looking at the sun. Her eyes started to water and she blinked and rubbed them with her unrestrained hand. "Oh, right, you're talking to me," she giggled, embarrassed once Kisame had repeated himself. "No reason Itachi would need you to…" She stopped, having received a neutral, yet menacing glare from Itachi. "I'll just sit down now…"

"Thank you," Kisame muttered, slightly incensed. When he gently peeled off the bandage, Eva was surprised. Zetsu's pills had magically healed almost all of her wound. There was still a mild and somewhat gooey red indentation, but much of the skin around it had scabbed over or was already fresh and pink. Kisame smiled a little, as if it were his own work he was observing, not Zetsu's. "It's healing really nicely. Might even be gone by the day after tomorrow. Take one more pill for now." He handed her another of the little pills and stood up again.

"Sweet," mocked an unfamiliar voice. "They together?" Eva looked up and saw a man, presumably Takumi Kawaguchi. He had short black hair, a clipped beard, and a slashed Takigakure headband.

"Kawaguchi Takumi," Itachi said. "You're three minutes late."

The man took a toothpick from his bag and stuck it between his teeth. "Bundle of joy, this one? Well, sorry about that. Had to make sure I wasn't followed. I'll show you the way now. Shouldn't be anyone around this time o' day."

They followed him off the path into the forest, weaving to avoid spots where his comrades might be stationed or passing by. Kisame and Eva fell behind Kawaguchi and Itachi, hoping to not detract from whatever serious conversation the two were having with their fuzzy pink awkwardness. Surprisingly, the sarcastic man had not said anything about it, but as a ninja he surely must have noticed. Nevertheless, they did not want to give him an opportunity.

Eva figured Kisame's silence was due to his attention to Kawaguchi's words, which only he could pick up from afar. However, his mind was otherwise occupied. Oddly enough, he was thinking of what life would be like if he had to spend the rest of his life handcuffed to Eva. To his surprise, he realized he could probably live with it, and even come to like it. Of course, they'd have to get special clothes made. Maybe even special bathrooms; their current system was time consuming and awkward. He might learn to be ambidextrous. Or get into her world's Guinness Book of World Records for being handcuffed together for the longest time. Or maybe they'd be interviewed by Oprah. Kisame liked Oprah.

Even in his mind it was a joke, but Kisame imagined what it would be like if they were to get married. It would be highly unlikely for either one of them to date a person unattached to the handcuffs, as they were like Siamese twins, only weirder. So they'd eventually end up together. He wondered what their kids would look like. What would they be named if they were boys or girls? Would they inherit his strange gills and skin color? Would they grow up to be ninjas or would they live in Eva's world?

Kisame shook his head, suddenly realizing what creepy thoughts he had been having. Kids with Eva? Weird. Kinda gross. She was like…17 years younger than he was. It wasn't unheard of, but still…weird. He felt unnaturally guilty, even dirty for considering these strange thoughts while she was right next to him. He glanced down at her to find her staring straight ahead, completely unaware of his distress. Good.

While he had been entertaining strange musings, they had arrived at their destination. It appeared to Eva to be the same landscape of densely packed trees they had seen before, but when Kawaguchi dispelled the genjutsu, it was revealed to be a low but vast dirt mound. A metal bar marked the opening. Through the door, which he pulled open, was a dark staircase, lit intermittently by wall-bound torches.

"Well, here it is. Saito's should be inside, first left, then second right. 'Sup to you from here. Now, about my payment…" Silently, Itachi pulled a bundle of notes from his cloak and handed it to Kawaguchi. The man flipped the bills on his palm and exhaled, satisfied. "Pleasure working with you gentlemen," he said smugly. "And lady," he added in response to Eva's glowering face.

Eva stared after him absentmindedly until Kisame's movement pulled her by the wrist toward the stairs. Despite the torches, the shallow stairwell still seemed dark and sinister. As it was a hideout for criminals, Eva supposed this was the point, but couldn't help feeling uneasy. For once, she was glad Kisame was stuck to her.

After the long ascension, they reached a seemingly plain hallway. Kawaguchi had said the first left, but Eva couldn't see any doors or openings. Thus, she was confused when Itachi suddenly stopped in front of them and was staring at the wall.

"Hidden doors," he near whispered. The girl was reminded of her conversation with Kisame the previous night about Itachi being God, and decided to keep her thoughts clean from then on.

Itachi put his hand on the wall after a moment of speculation, his dark nails glittering in the dim light. It didn't sink through like she had expected. The ninja put his hand up to his mouth and bit his thumb, which made a slight crunching sound. Eva winced and but watched as he smeared a line of blood down the wall and did a couple of hand signals. The solid wall faded and gave way to an opening, which they proceeded through.

"Kisame?" Eva said as quietly as she could, knowing he would hear her.

"Mm?"

"Why do ninjas have crunchy thumbs?"

The shark man glanced down at her, somewhat bewildered. "What?"

"In the show people always bit their thumbs and it made this ridiculously loud crunching sound like they were secretly carrots. I thought it was just fail sound effects, but just now that was _really loud_," she explained.

"I never thought about it. Maybe it's just because we're awesome."

"Or maybe you're secretly carrots."

"Be quiet," Itachi scolded them as they turned right into another mysterious door. This time they did not move forward, but stayed in the doorway where there was shadow. The room was lit better than the others. There were a few chairs and a bench in the room, and some urns, although there not much else in the way of decoration. But its spaciousness and sparseness provided little room for sneaking or maneuvering, putting the ninjas at a disadvantage.

Or so Eva thought. One second, Itachi was right next to them, and the next he was across the room with a kunai to the throat of another man she hadn't seen before. His shiny auburn hair hung near the ineffective slashed protector he wore around his neck. Before he had a chance to say anything, there was a sharp crack and he was unconscious on the ground.

"Err…thanks Itachi," Kisame mumbled awkwardly, giving an involuntary twitch of his chained wrist. Eva looked at her feet.

"Can you handle the interrogation? I have other business to attend to," the Uchiha asked tonelessly.

Kisame blinked. "Sure…" Itachi nodded at them and left, leaving the unconscious man heaped on the hideout floor.

"What was that about…?" Eva asked. "What business does he have?"

"I dunno. I find it's best not to ask with Itachi, though," Kisame replied nonchalantly. He pulled some rope from his bag and coiled it tightly around the man. Then he took a rag from his cloak and tied it around the man's closed eyes and propped him up in one of the chairs. After more rope was added so the man wouldn't fall, Kisame raised his eyes to the ceiling, where the bright lantern was hanging. "I think the situation calls for an adjustment in atmosphere." He muttered something and conformed his hands, and with a small buzz the light dimmed dramatically. Eva tried not to consider the radically different situations for entirely different purposes in which lights were dimmed.

XxX

"Yo, Tobi! You in here?" Deidara knocked on the door loudly. He twisted the knob and found that the door was unlocked. Bending down, he gathered the various bags of clothing, backed into the room, and kicked the door shut behind him.

"Over here Deidara-senpai!" Tobi called from the bathroom.

"Where's Leah?" he asked as he turned the corner into the room. He stopped in his tracks at the sight of the girl standing in front of his partner, having the bow on the back of her outfit tied.

Red, with a crisp, white trim, Leah was clad in a kimono that went down to her mid-thigh. Her hair was done up simply, but prettily, in a bun held together by a white ribbon. A very soft pink shade of lipstick had been applied, and simple brown eye liner and shadow had been brushed on surprisingly well, by Tobi. She stood on very high heeled sandals with straps that coiled up her legs.

Leah blushed at his dumbstruck expression. "You finish getting your disguises?" she asked, trying to draw his attention away from her own costume.

Deidara averted his gaze and dropped the bags on the bed. "Yeah. Tobi, how much did you pay for that outfit?" He blindly gestured at Leah, his back turned to her as he sorted out his bags.

"Not much. I bought the kimono at a thrift store and I stole everything else," he explained simply, as if stealing stuff was an everyday occurrence for him. Considering they were criminals and ninja, it probably was.

Deidara shrugged. "I'm going to go get changed." He left the room without a word to Leah, a pile of clothes in his arms. Leah watched him leave, feeling guilty. She still didn't understand why he was ignoring her. Stressed about the mission maybe? She tried not to think about it, and decided she'd ask him once the night was over.

Somehow she was too wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't notice Tobi had been staring at her. In particular, it seemed his singular eye hole was looking at her chest. "Leah-san, this may be a little much to ask but could you open up your top a bit?"

Leah squeaked, "Excuse you!"

"Leah-san," he said evenly. "For the sake of the mission." She could have sworn he was giving her the puppy eyes under that mask.

"Why?! How would it help the mission?" she asked in a tone pitched higher than usual.

Tobi shook his head and opened up the top a bit himself and Leah promptly closed it. "Leah-san, we want our chances of Wakahisa wanting you as high as possible. This will help," he explained calmly and rationally. He adjusted the top again.

Leah recovered her chest. "Tobi! I thought you were a 'good boy'?"

Tobi moved her hands and adjusted the top again so that it revealed a little more than before. "Tobi may be a good boy, but he's still a boy, Leah-san" he said. "And boys like these—" He once again cupped his hands to his chest as if he had something there.

Leah couldn't help but laugh as she swatted at his hands. "Don't do that!" she scolded. Tobi laughed as well.

She sat in the room in silence, Tobi having left to get changed. Leah didn't bother to fix her top since she knew that Tobi would just undo her efforts when he returned. She played with her hair and tried to figure out the least awkward way to sit in the short kimono. After a couple more minutes of silence, Tobi returned. He wore a green plaid cloak that concealed almost his entire mask and all of his body and exchanged the black gloves for worn brown ones.

Tobi hopped to his feet and twirled. "I look like a beggar!" he said, sounding rather happy about it. "Deidara-senpai did well!" It looked as easy to move in as the Akatsuki cloak but was much less conspicuous. He could hide a lot of stuff on his person due to the looseness, such as the poison, and he could carry both his weapons and Deidara's clay without the bags creating any lumps under the plaid garment.

Deidara stepped into the room and paused briefly when he caught sight of Leah again, noticing her further exposed chest. Once again he distracted himself, ignoring the girl. He was clad in a simple suit, black slacks, white shirt, and a black vest with matching leather shoes. All of his blond hair had been pulled into a black hat that tied together the outfit quite nicely. "I asked around and found out that Wakahisa is here and he's at Onritsu, a bar and nightclub near the center of the city." He gave each outfit a once over and asked Tobi a couple of questions regarding the mission. "Let's go then, un."

Leah's stomach twisted. This was it.

xXx

"Okay, here's what we're going to do: I blindfolded him so he wouldn't be able to mock us for these stupid handcuffs, because the last thing I need is for the interrogatee to not take me seriously. In relation to that, I'm going to need you to be absolutely silent. He'll probably know you're here, but don't freak out if he says anything. If I make any story up, just go along with it, but don't try to contribute," Kisame rattled off quickly.

Eva blinked and nodded nervously. "Okay…"

He looked down at the young girl, who was obviously ill at ease and sighed, and felt like he was going soft. "Don't freak out. It'll be fine. He definitely won't be able to do anything to you." Eva nodded again and offered him a weak smile.

Kisame walked back over to the man in the chair and took something dark green and squishy looking from his bag. None too gently, he opened the man's mouth and put the thing inside. After a few seconds, the man started coughing violently and spit the thing out quickly.

"Who are you? What the fuck is going on?" he asked frantically.

The blue man pulled the bench in front of the chair and motioned for Eva to sit down. She obliged and he followed suit. "You've been a bad man, Minoru Saito," Kisame drawled smugly, running his finger along the edge of a kunai.

A drop of sweat appeared on Minoru's forehead. "How do you know my name? Who are you?" he repeated.

"I'm from the Akatsuki."

"The Akatsuki?" The man froze for a second. "I don't have any dealings with the Akatsuki."

Kisame laughed and patted the man roughly on the cheek. "Ha ha ha! Good one. No, but really, that's the wrong answer, kid."

Eva felt a tingle along her spine and gulped.

"Ooh! You feel that Eva?" Kisame asked playfully. Eva was about to say 'yes', but remembered his instructions and simply nodded. "Minoru's sending his chakra out."

A small muscle in Minoru's face twitched. "I just want to see if you're who you say you are."

"Lying to me is not a good idea, Minoru. You were trying to send out a distress signal, and that would be very bad. For you. But luckily—" he heaved the giant sword up from the floor and placed it against Minoru's face, who gasped. "—you don't have to worry about that because Samehada here _eats_ chakra. Don't you girl?" He grinned and stroked the sword lovingly, and put it back down against Minoru's toes. "You're going to want to save your strength, so I'd recommend _not_ sending out your chakra."

"Why doesn't the girl have any chakra? And why are you handcuffed together?" Minoru demanded.

Kisame clapped his hands together. "Excellent question! This is my friend Eva. Now Eva…is not quite as nice as I am. She may be small, but she's deadly. Lots of chakra. Lucky for her she's very good at hiding it. She's handcuffed to me so I can make sure she doesn't go crazy on you. But that's another story. Just talk to me, 'kay?"

"What do you want from me?"

"Well, we've heard you've been betraying our secrets to our enemies. And we can't have that." He got out a small rock and started sharpening his kunai on it. "But unfortunately, it's too late to prevent it. So we're just going to need to know what they know. And you're going to tell us."

"I didn't tell anyone anything. I don't deal with the Akatsuki."

"If that were true, you wouldn't be in this situation now, would you? Like I said, don't lie to me."

"I have nothing to say to you," Minoru insisted defiantly.

Kisame exhaled deeply and assumed a disappointed face. He casually put the kunai down, took a small bundle of flat yellow rectangular bamboo shoots from his bag and unwound the band holding them together. Taking one off the top, he tapped it casually against his palm. After a moment he grabbed Minoru's left hand and placed the reed under his index finger's nail. "Last chance, buddy."

The man gulped again, but said nothing. Kisame shook his head. "Shame." He slowly pushed the shoot into the groove between the flesh and keratin. Minoru gasped in pain and bit his lip, groaning, but as the shoot reached the halfway point, he was forced to scream.

The terror and pain in his voice sent another chill through Eva's body, and she knew this one had nothing to do with chakra. Her heart was exploding against her chest with each beat and her brain was screaming at her to get away, run, run! But she couldn't, she knew she was chained to the one causing the man in front of her to scream so desperately. The floods of adrenaline in her system were making her dizzy, but wouldn't allow her to lose consciousness.

Kisame glanced at her, dropping his sadistic charade for a moment in exchange for a look of worry. '_Don't look_,' he mouthed at her. Then he returned to the man he was torturing. "Can you sense that, Minoru? Adrenaline rush. My buddy here _loves_ to hear your screams and see your blood. You gonna keep entertaining her or are you gonna tell me what I want to know?"

"I don't…know anything…" Minoru gasped, shaking his head.

"You disappoint me, man." He took another reed from the stack.

XxX

Despite Claire's smug vow to actually get some sleep, she hadn't followed through. Her subconscious paranoia, hunger, and general insomnia prevailed. Thus, she was extra irritable and less susceptible to politeness. So after bullying Kakuzu at a high volume to stop being a cheapskate and allow them to get them a real breakfast, they resumed their trek. Time passed in pretty much the same way as the day before—lots of arguing and the occasional reoccurrence of a marriage proposal.

It was easy to tell when they were getting close; true to its name, Kusagakure and a large portion of the area surrounding it was populated by a myriad of grass species. The forest thinned out gradually, and as it did, the bare rock and dirt became grass. Claire hadn't thought there were so many kinds of grass, but then again, maybe in her world there weren't. They marched though neon green grass, darker blue grass, weedy grass, tickling soft grass, and even some species of oddly sinister-looking bamboo. Unfortunately the last variation was forced to meet with a certain scythe to allow their passage.

When there was scarcely a tree in sight, and the grass grew in fat stalks up to their shoulders, Kakuzu remarked that they were officially in the Grass Country. Hidan celebrated this achievement by proposing to Claire. As an answer, she slapped him with a particularly spiky piece of grass that she had kept for its uniqueness, although it seemed to be equally sufficient for disheveling her suitor's hair; at least until he violently crushed and tore it into many stringy bits. But he magnanimously saw fit to give it a eulogy containing many expletives without even being asked.

Eventually they had to get out the paper Pein had given them to look at the directions for the exact location of Daichi Nishimura's residence. Naturally, this merited arguing between the two Akatsuki members. Somehow Hidan managed to forget the point of his arguing was not simply arguing, but to get his way. By the time he realized this, they were already at their destination.

It was a large, L-shaped building. It seemed likely that it was made from the plentiful grasses and bamboo, but it was gray in color from dirt and age. The roof was covered with ribbed sheets of metal that appeared to have been tossed over it without being properly secured. The longer section had high slits for windows cut at uneven intervals; but the other piece had oddly domestic, square windows, complete with glass…and blue flowered curtains. Indeed, upon closer observation the edifice showed other signs of habitual occupation, such as potted species of grass and flowers that contrasted with the unkempt foliage sprouting from random places on the other.

"Is this person a girl? I kind of assumed it was a guy," Claire said.

Hidan scoffed irritably. "No, this idiot probably just got us fucking lost. If you had listened to me—"

"—This is the place. The paper says it's a gray L-building," Kakuzu interrupted, though he looked skeptical himself.

"Why would we ever deal with someone with fucking pansy-ass curtains? This is bullshit."

Claire walked around to the non-pansy-ass curtain side. "The door says 'Nishimura' on it."

Hidan looked unconvinced, but followed. "Whatever. If this is the wrong place we'll probably get to scare the shit out of some morons. Maybe they'll make good sacrifices…"

The room they entered did not extend to the corner of the L. They could see the place was divided into sections of about thirty feet through the open door in the back wall. There was a desk in the room covered with great stacks of files, papers, and food wrappings. These ornaments were so plentiful that they also decorated the corners of the room. There was a small square of floor available to stand in, and even this was decreased when Hidan slammed the door and caused an avalanche of files to slide onto Claire's feet. Predictably she tried to gather them up and replace them, but only succeeded at dislodging more. After that her patience ran out and she simply kicked them out of the way or stood on top of them.

This commotion alerted someone in the adjacent room to his visitors. They heard a something crash into what sounded more like furniture than files, and suddenly a rather large man with a blonde ponytail and beard stumbled into view. His face did not contort with fear or dread when he saw the Akatsuki cloaks. In fact, he smiled as he walked into the room and sat down behind the desk.

"Well howdy! What can I do fer yew folks?" he asked.

xXx

All Deidara had to do was give the bouncer a glimpse of his Akatsuki ring—which he tossed in Tobi's bag after it had served its purpose—and they were in the nightclub, no questions asked.

Music pulsed through the very walls of the darkened room. Colorful lights sparkled like fireworks over the dance floor, where so many people were crowded together that they looked like one big amoebae rather than dozens of individuals.

Leah glanced over her shoulder only to find that Tobi had vanished already. She took a deep breath. Everything was going to be okay. Deidara said that he would not let anything bad happen. She had nothing to worry about. Just serving as a distraction, she did not have to fight. Hell, she did not have to do anything except look pretty. _Everything will be okay_, she thought,_ everything will be okay, everything will be o—oh hell, so many things could go wrong! No! Can't think of the stuff now. Can't chicken out now. _Her greatest fear of this mission other than being discovered would be disappointing Deidara._ Do this for Deidara, even if he does have a stick up his ass at the moment. _

He stopped suddenly. Without looking at her he pointed to a wall. "Go wait over there, I see him, un," he said. Leah just did as she was told and walked to the wall and leaned against it. "Come when I give you the signal. Don't move otherwise," he ordered. Leah nodded in response and watched as the blonde walked away. She realized that from where she was standing she had a clear view of the entire room, even the people in the dancing pit and the bar that Deidara was walking towards. She felt very exposed with this realization, because if she could see everyone, everyone could see her as well. _They're too caught up in their own doings to really pay me any mind,_ she reassured herself._ Everything will be okay._

Deidara stole a chance to check up on Leah as he avoided some people that were walking past. Good. She had assumed a casual pose; her left foot was propped up against the wall she was leaning on and she examined her nails.

He approached the bar and took a seat next to his target. Wakahisa was sitting alone, staring at the contents of his near empty glass of some sort of amber liquid. As Pein had said, he had a long white scar stretching from just below his eye to a rip in his ear, no doubt from the same blow. Straight black hair fell over his shoulders but did not conceal his face. He was a rather handsome man, appearing a little older than Pein but with a slightly lesser aura of wisdom and power. Slightly being the operative word.

Deidara summoned the bartender and bought a drink for himself and another for Wakahisa, just to start conversation with the man. When he received his order, he watched Wakahisa from the corner of his eye. The black haired shinobi gave the bartender a curious look when he received the fresh drink, and the bartender gestured to Deidara. Wakahisa turned to him, with the drink in hand, "Thanks for the drink dude, but I'm not gay. Sorry."

Deidara laughed and slid down the bar until he was right next to Wakahisa. "Good. I was hoping for that actually. I'm not either, I'm just here on business," he said with ease, though he spoke a little faster than usual as if he was trying to imitate a stereotypical salesman tone. He took a drink from his glass and set it back on the counter, swallowing the liquid with feigned difficulty. "The name's Yukio." He extended his hand, which Wakahisa shook politely. "Nice to meet you."

"Wakahisa Yuuto. Pleasure," he replied, looking considerably more relaxed.

"Good strong name," Deidara complimented smiling at the man.

Wakahisa hummed. "What kind of business are you here on, Yukio-san?" he asked. He took a sip of his drink without taking his eyes off of Deidara.

"I guess you could say I manage young women," he said slyly. His tone made it impossible for Wakahisa _not_ to make the connection.

He smiled and turned back to the bar and took another sip of his drink. "I'm listening."

"You see, I have a girl with me tonight who's new to the business. Gorgeous young thing, really. I'll give you a good price on her," he whispered, leaning closer to him.

"When you say 'new'…" he led off, a grin still on his face as if he already knew the answer.

"Virgin," Deidara supplied. He nodded his head in Leah's direction. "Interested?"

He chuckled. "I'd have to see her first. Don't want be sold an ugly chick," he said, and picked up his near empty glass.

Deidara gave him a pat on the shoulder. "I'll call her over," he said. He looked to Leah, who was watching with a frown on her face. Deidara reminded himself to act completely detached from her as he gestured for her to come over. His chest felt cold, like an icicle was infecting his heart.

Leah quietly approached Deidara and smiled nervously at Wakahisa. She kept reminding herself that absolutely nothing would happen to her. She trusted Deidara with that. But that reassurance didn't help stop her from feeling like slime, even if she was just acting for the sake of the mission. If she screwed this up, not only could she be killed, but Deidara and Tobi could get hurt. That would be bad. She didn't want either of them blaming her for the mission's failure. Still, part of her wanted to yell at them for putting so much of responsibility on a civilian whose fighting skills were limited to what her brother had taught her in wrestling. Yep, definitely bad if she messed up.

Deidara proceeded to introduce her as Masuyo, telling the man her age and other meaningless factoids. She wasn't really paying attention though. She was too freaked out.

The look on Wakahisa's face was most approving. "How much?" he asked, turning back to Deidara.

"I don't discuss money with my ladies around," he said easily and whispered to Leah, "go to the restroom and get ready," Leah nodded and hurried away. She felt exceptionally grateful for the opportunity to talk to Tobi, hoping that a brief meeting with the Akatsuki's resident clown would help her calm down.

She made her way across the room, weaving through people and around objects. While she was waiting she had located the bathroom and swiftly moved in that general direction, keeping an eye out for Tobi. Not seeing him, she went into the women's restroom anyway.

To her surprise it was rather clean, something she thought might be unlikely for this kind of establishment. It was also completely empty, with the exception of a man in a green plaid cloak sitting on the counter, swinging his feet and staring ahead.

He turned. "Leah-san!" Tobi greeted with more enthusiasm than she thought was necessary. Then again, she was still paranoid and disgusted with herself so she wasn't appreciative of his cheeriness. He pushed himself off the counter and pulled out the vial of poison as he walked over to her.

"So how're you?" he asked, just trying to make conversation.

Leah personally thought that was a rather cruel and obvious question to ask a teenage girl in her situation. "Paranoid," she said.

Her animosity didn't seem to faze him. He opened the vial, placed his finger on the narrow opening and tilted the glass to obtain a few drops. "Come here Leah-san," he said.

He held her chin with his thumb and index finger and used the other hand to dab the clear poison on her lips. "Now remember Leah-san, as long as you don't have any alcohol this is mostly harmless to you. Try not to lick your lips; you don't want to ingest it 'cause that's what Wakahisa's supposed to do. Once he's paralyzed, we'll be able to come in and…well…you know."

"Wait…you said 'mostly harmless'…"

"Well the worst that could happen is that you accidently swallow some and get a stomach ache. Try not to eat or drink anything, including swallowing your spit. Move your collar to your shoulders, I should probably put some around your neck and collar bone."

Leah did as she was told. It was strange to hear Tobi being…well…not a goof-ball. Obviously, he had to be capable of being serious to be in an organization such as the Akatsuki, but the tone just seemed to contradict everything that was Tobi.

The masked man smoothed the clear liquid on her neck, shoulders, and her upper chest. Leah pulled her kimono back onto her shoulders when he was finished.

Tobi stared quietly at her for a moment, holding the near empty vial in one hand.

"What?" she asked, concerned that he may have thought of something that would cause the plan to go horrible wrong. Her heart started racing again for at this point, it was far too late to back out.

Tobi looked at Leah's feet. "What do you think the chances of Wakahisa having a foot fetish are?"

Leah frowned but was relieved at the same time. She hit his chest lightly with the back of her hand/ "I'm leaving now, Tobi," she said. Shaking her head, she exited the restroom.

Tobi put the vial into his pocket. He glanced around the bathroom, needing to get out without someone, especially Wakahisa, noticing him. Then he wondered why there was a window in the women's restroom. Who knows how many perverts have tried to get a peek into said room? Not that he disapproved, because it was a means of a conveniently inconspicuous means of escape.

XxX

All ten of Minoru Saito's fingernails were gone. His hamstrings had been severed, and his shoulders dislocated. He had dozens of cuts on his arms and legs and face, and kunai had pieced his left eardrum. Eva sat on the bench, her arms and legs sensationless from being clenched together so long in fear and discomfort. Kisame's hands and arms were stained red. He had used the strange green ball to resuscitate Minoru twice, and now he seemed to be as tired of Minoru's screams as Eva had been after the first shoot.

Kisame suddenly looked up towards the doorway, where Itachi had reappeared. He sighed wearily. "He doesn't know anything, Itachi."

"I know. Leave him there. We're going."

Kisame stared at Itachi for a while. "You know? Well then why did I do this?!" he said, his voice louder and more distressed than Eva had ever heard him use with Itachi.

"If you had been paying attention, you would have know that this—" Itachi moved aside to expose the bound corpse of Kawaguchi Takumi, "—is the real information leak. He revealed himself carelessly when we when he spoke to me. Minoru was an additional example. He will serve as a warning to the rest of our associates. Now let's go." He went back over Kawaguchi and disappeared into the darkness.

Kisame looked back at Eva, who was staring at a stone in corner of the room. "Come on, Eva…" He took her hand and gently pulled her up. She fell back down almost immediately, so Kisame picked her up and carried her.

xXx

Kirigakure offered excellent coverage for Deidara and Tobi to follow Wakahisa and Leah. As its name implied, it was very misty, almost to the point of looking as if it were covered in fog. Wakahisa was taking a path near the edge of town, which meant tall trees bordered the tall buildings. Excellent for jumping. And this is what they did.

_Stupid bastard, flirting with Leah_, Deidara thought bitterly. He realized this was the point of the entire operation, but it still infuriated him. _Fucking womanizer_. He wanted to complain aloud to Tobi, because as his subordinate, Tobi was required to agree with him. But he knew speaking would risk exposure, even if he was incredibly quiet.

Deidara spared a glance back at Tobi. He skidded to a halt and whirled around. Tobi had just used an extra burst of chakra to prevent himself from falling, having undershot a jump. _Fuck, fuck, FUCK!_ He motioned frantically to the forest and darted into the trees himself.

Meanwhile, on the ground, Wakahisa stopped in his tracks about a block from his house. He had noticed the chakra spike. Leah noted his pause and looked around with frightened doe eyes. Anything causing him to stop probably meant trouble for her and Deidara and Tobi. "Why'd you stop?" she whimpered. "Are we there?"

"Stay here," he responded gruffly, leaping onto a building. With his trained shinobi eyes, Wakahisa scoured the upper landscape of the town through the mist. Seeing nothing, he jumped down and weaved through the buildings. There were no genjutsu to dispel….no residual chakra…whatever it was had gone. "Sorry about that, my dear," said Wakahisa, upon returning. "Let's continue walking."

XxX

The three of them were caught slightly off-guard. "Are you Daichi Nishimura?" Kakuzu asked, managing an ominous tone.

"Yup. What can I do fer ya?" he repeated, still appearing content.

"Is there another Daichi Nishimura around here? You don't seem like an S-class money lender, seriously," Hidan put in skeptically.

This brought a change to his expression, but strangely it was a sort of carefree coyness. "That there would depend on who's askin'," he replied, "I wouldn't mind seein' some credentials."

"We don't have any fucking credentials. Can't you see we're the fucking Akatsuki?" Hidan gestured dramatically at his cloak.

"Is that a band?"

Kakuzu menacingly stepped forward and leaned over the desk so he was about a foot from the man's face. "What you are doing is not wise, so you had better drop the fucking act. Several months ago you hired our organization to perform a certain task for you. We completed this task, and never received payment. As the Akatsuki are a rather busy group of people, we don't appreciate having our time wasted, but we are not willing to waive a fee for convenience. It would damage our reputation, you see? So, in fact, because of the inconvenience you have caused, a tax of fifteen percent has been added to your bill. I suggest you pay it so this conflict will end peacefully for all of us." He retreated to his former spot near the door to allow his speech to sink in.

But once again the reaction given was not congruent with the reaction expected. The man guffawed, for rather a long time. "Shucks, I like ya'll!" he gasped as the hilarity of the situation dissipated. "Yuh, I'm Daichi. Just had ta make sure ya weren't cops or nothin'. Now, refresh my memry—ya said ya wanted to borrow some money? Ain't a problem, just so long as ya got something in the way of collateral. I see ya brought a pretty girl with ya, huh?" He guffawed again.

Claire blushed but scowled deeply, and 'accidentally' shifted her elbow into another stack of files, causing it to spill. "Oops," she muttered icily.

"Don' worry 'bout it. The missus and I have been movin' things around so it's a bit of a mess. Hope you'll fergive—"

"Oy! Don't change the fucking subject!" Hidan shouted at the man, snapping his fingers to recall his attention.

Daichi waved his hands about in an apologetic manner. "O' course, o' course. How rude o' me. How much'll ya be wantin' ta barra?"

"We aren't _borrowing_ anything. You owe us—" Kakuzu took another small piece of paper out of his cloak and shoved it in the naïve man's face. "—this much."

He squinted at it and scratched his beard. Then with a sudden recognition he jumped up and started rifling through the papers on his desk. "I remember now, yew folks sent a messenger here to get a deal set up and said yew were gonna pick it up later. Lemme just find my recurds—"

"Fuck, you asshole! We're not borrowing money from you! You fucking hired us to whack someone and we're here to fucking collect! If you don't cut this shit out, we'll stop _asking_ and start _taking_."

Miraculously, Mr. Nishimura was not at all concerned by Hidan's less-than-gentlemanly manner. In fact, he seemed to think it was just a joke. "Haw haw, I doubt that. I got the best hidin' place in the werld."

Claire snorted and could not resist the orders she had been given to remain silent. "What, under your mattress?"

This elicited the first response from the man that lacked jubilance. His eyebrows knitted together over shocked eyes and a slightly open mouth. Before he made a verbal affirmation or denial of the sarcastic comment, a shrill voice suddenly yelled his name with none of the subtlety you would suspect from any residence of an S-class criminal.

He jumped slightly and seemed to forget what had just happened. "'Scuse me a sec, that'd be the missus." He stepped hastily over the obstacles the many obstacles that crowded his floor and retreated to the back of the house.

"What the fuck is this?" Hidan demanded in a frantic whisper. "This dickwad is a fucking imbecile!"

"I would have thought your associates would be smarter," Claire added. "I mean seriously, under the fucking mattress?"

"Shut up, both of you. I'm trying to think of what to do."

"Let me help you out: we put him out of _our_ fucking misery and take all the money for the trouble."

"We can't kill him, Hidan, and you know it. The Akatsuki has a reputation that would be very hard to uphold if we went around _offing_ our contacts."

"Shit." Hidan crossed his arms and leaned against the door, apparently having accepted this unfortunate fact. "'Great wit'? Give me a break. Most ironic fucking name in the world, seriously."

Their attention was drawn soon after to the back room in which two figures had appeared and started arguing. One was Daichi, and the other was presumably Mrs. Nishimura. It was unclear what they were saying but the husband was obviously losing the battle, and attempted to escape by pointing out the company.

Mrs. Nishimura became silent when she saw them, and after a moment's consideration, traipsed through the many rooms in their direction, Daichi following anxiously. "Now puddin', you ain't gonna do nothin' to our guests, are ya'?" he asked nervously. She ignored him and kept up her pursuit. Claire and the two Akatsuki held their ground, perplexed.

She finally reached the front room and squinted at them through glasses she had retrieved from her apron (whose pattern was bore rather a close resemblance to the curtains they had seen outside). When she was done with her evaluation, she placed her hands on her wide hips and gave them a big smile. "Well!" she exclaimed in a much kinder voice than she had used on her husband (and with a much slighter accent). "I hoped I'd be around when you nice young men with the lovely red-flower coats came back!"

Hidan and Kakuzu almost imperceptibly glanced at each other to see if the clouds had miraculously changed to flowers when they hadn't been looking. Obviously the glasses hadn't done her much good, for they hadn't. But there was no opportunity to point that out, for the woman was not finished speaking.

"I wanted to thank ya'll personally for gettin' rid of my stupid brother. Thanks to ya'll, we didn't hafta wait 'til he dropped dead to get that inheritance!" she chuckled maliciously. "The little shit never figured out I hated him, though he left all his money to me, God knows why."

Everyone but Nishimura's wife was exceptionally baffled. Daichi in particular seemed to be thinking very hard, as his mouth was slightly agape and his eyes were glazed over. He seemed to mouth the word 'brother' as if it were the most foreign concept he had ever encountered. Then some undoubtedly rusty unused switch clicked on in his brain, and as he had his epiphany, his face expanded with recognition. Once again, he dashed through his abode and left the three of them to his wife.

She continued beaming at them while happily recalling her hatred for her dead brother, and they found there was not much to say in return but to act pleased. And to some extent they were, for she seemed to be of considerably higher intelligence than her husband and at least recognized the service they had performed.

At length Daichi returned with a large lumpy white sack. He dropped it unceremoniously on the desk and upon thrusting his hand into it, pulled out several large stacks of money, each about an inch thick. It was difficult to tell, but Claire thought Kakuzu looked as if he were pleased. And whether or not he showed it, he definitely was. Hidan, too, appeared relieved at the very least.

Kakuzu was about to accept the money when Mrs. Nishimura smacked her husband roughly on his head. This caused a slight panic; her anger could have meant a change of heart. Daichi as well was unsure what had rendered this abuse necessary. "What did I do?!" he implored to her.

"Give 'em extra you dope!" she chided, as if it had been obvious.

He blinked, then obligingly reached into the bag and pulled out another stack. His wife's unceasing glare added one more. Upon the relinquishing of the third stack, she smiled and nodded, giving him the necessary clearance to present Kakuzu with his long-awaited payment.

"Well, Halle-fucking-lujah," Hidan said.

"Amen!" said Daichi's wife, though she looked unsure why.

Hidan turned around and addressed Claire, causing her to automatically say 'no'. Seeing the Nishimuras' puzzled faces, she grudgingly said, "Er…I mean what?" albeit already knowing the question, having just answered it.

"Marry me!" he suggested gleefully, perhaps sensing her reluctance to confuse their hosts.

Due to Mrs. Nishimura's excitable nature, Claire was hindered from answering by the woman's joyful shriek. This time she didn't bother making hints at her husband, but shoved him aside and rewarded Claire with a wedding gift of two more stacks of cash. The girl was forced to mutter her thanks in the face of this mystifying benevolence.

xXx

"Would you like something to drink? Tea? A daiquiri?" Wakahisa asked as he unlocked the door and motioned for her to enter. The inside was relatively clean, which surprised Leah. There was a small white kitchen to the left, with an arabesque kotatsu in the center. The bathroom and closet were directly across from the door. In between were an ivory and olive couch and…Wakahisa's bed.

Leah cleared her throat a little. "No thank you."

Wakahisa chuckled. "Rather get right to it? Have it your way." He closed the door and spun her around and they landed on the bed, with him kneeling over her. The shinobi laughed again at her surprised yelp. "Jumpy little thing, aren't you…" He lowered his head down to her neck and kissed it softly. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

Leah gulped quietly, starting to get extremely nervous. His kisses were moving slowly downward, over her collarbone, necklace and chest. Tobi had put some of the poison around her neck, but she wasn't sure it would be enough. She took a deep breath. "Yuuto…?" she murmured.

He looked up. "Hm?" Leah put her hands around his face and pulled his lips to hers. She could feel him smiling lecherously against her lips, pressing his tongue against the crease to part them. Leah dared to open an eye to see if he could hear her rampaging heart. She realized the last person she had kissed had been Deidara. When he had kissed her, it hadn't been like this. She hadn't been scared, just shocked. He was warm and gentle, and Wakahisa, despite his words, was a rather forceful kisser.

As calmly as she could, Leah pushed Wakahisa away. He looked down at her, confused. She watched his eyes, hoping he'd ingested enough poison. She had forgotten to ask Tobi how long it would take for the poison to paralyze him. They were supposed to be monitoring the situation, right? They were going to make sure things didn't get out of hand. Even though Deidara was inexplicably mad at her right now, he would at least listen to Pein and not let her get hurt.

Wakahisa watched her face a little longer, taking her silence as a sign that he should continue. He moved to the other side of her neck, nipping lightly at her flesh. But before he could reach the same progress as he had on the other side, he groaned and looked up again, clutching his heart.

"Something wrong?" Leah questioned innocently, hoping there was.

"N-no…ah—!" Wakahisa rolled over on his side, bubbles appearing at the corners of his mouth. Leah sat up away from him, but his eyes followed her. "…Y-ou bitch…" he snarled. His eyes glazed over and he was dead.

Tears were already running down her face, Leah darted up off the bed and ran to the couch. She grabbed a pillow and watched Wakahisa, sure he was going to get up any minute and kill her. Tobi and Deidara still hadn't arrived. Leah cried harder, squashing the pillow into a tiny remnant of its former self. She felt like part of herself had died with the taking of a single human life. Wakahisa probably wasn't even that bad of a person. Yes, he was a criminal, but so were all of the Akatsuki; yes, he was a womanizer; yes, he brought her as a prostitute, but did that mean he deserved to die? No, it didn't. Some of her guy friends at school could be called womanizers and she knew that some of Jason's friends (if not Jason himself) had paid for a woman's company. What made Wakahisa worse than any of them? Nothing. Leah considered all life precious. She did not know how she could cope with the knowledge it was her fault that she had taken it away from someone. Her throat ached and she was exhausted. Oh well, if he was going to kill her anyway, it couldn't hurt to get some rest…

XxX

"Leah! LEAH! ANSWER ME, UN!"

Leah opened her eyes blearily. "Why are you yelling at me…Stupid Deidara…"

"I thought you were fucking dead!"

"I'm not." She pushed his hands off of her shoulders and sat up. "Where am I?"

Deidara glanced at Tobi, who was standing at the other end of the couch. "You don't remember? The mission? Wakahisa?"

"Who's Wakahisa? What mission?"

"I think she might have amnesia, Deidara-senpai," Tobi concluded rather quickly.

Deidara gritted his teeth. "I can tell, Tobi, thanks for pointing out the obvious."

Leah looked around, trying to remember how she had gotten in this strange room. "How did I get amnesia?"

Tobi scratched his neck absently. "You—"

"You ate some weird foreign food. I told you not to, but you said it looked delicious. Then you passed out so we took you to this hotel," Deidara interrupted.

"This is a very home-y hotel room."

The blonde shrugged. "Okay, so we saw the guy leave and we're 'borrowing' his place. Details, un. Now that that has been established, we need to go."

"Alright…Just let me use the bathroom first."

"I'll wait here."

After washing her hands, Leah pooled the water up in her hands and splashed it over her face. The droplets seemed to be clinging to some kind of powder she was wearing. Strange. She took some toilet paper and wiped it off, making another note to ask Deidara about, in addition to her clothes. She pulled her hair tie out and redid it into a simple ponytail. She couldn't believe she had amnesia…it was so strange…and Deidara was acting weird.

xXx

"Eva."

"…"

"Eva. Speak."

"…"

"Don't you want to know if I have an aunt who's a guppy?"

Eva looked up briefly with a slight smile. "Do you?"

"No."

"Oh." Eva turned her gaze downward again and watched her feet as they walked.

Kisame ran a hand through his short blue hair, flustered. "Don't go back to being silent."

"I don't have anything to say."

"You always have something to say. This is about…the guy, right?"

"Well…yeah. I know I talk about being morbid and liking blood and stuff all the time…but I don't actually like hurting people. And that guy didn't even do anything. And the guy that did…he was kind of a jerk, but…I don't know…" she mumbled.

"I'm sorry you had to see it. I'm going to freaking _kill_ Tobi when we—oh…um…I mean…well…bad choice of words. I didn't mean it literally." _Smooth, Kisame_, he thought.

Eva sniffled a little. "I get it. I'll probably get over it eventually. I guess it was just kind of…humbling…Or it brought me back to reality or something. You don't have to try to console me or anything. I know you're used to it."

He didn't want to just quit, but he really had nothing else to say. Nothing that wouldn't make it worse. Fuck, this had all been his fault. Itachi was right, if he had been paying attention to Kawaguchi's words instead of fantasizing about Oprah, he probably would have figured out Minoru wasn't the leak. Then maybe he could have just left Minoru knocked out instead of torturing him. Kawaguchi would have been enough of an example, and Itachi would have gotten over it eventually. Instead he had probably scarred Eva for life, and now she would never trust him again. Why did that matter to him so much?

XxX

"See what good things would happen if you'd only listen to me?"

"That doesn't even make sense, stupid man-whore."

"That's not a very nice thing to say to your future husband, seriously."

"Just because she gave me some money doesn't mean I'm going to marry you. I would have said no if I didn't think she'd freak out and take everything back. Because then Kakuzu would have had a tantrum."

"What? You fucking tricked me!"

"I did not, fucking idiot, you just assumed!"

"Fine, then give me the money!"

"Why? She gave it to me!"

Hidan thought for a moment, looking frustrated. "To ease my pain."

"…Just because that was such a pathetic attempt, I'll give you what's left."

"What the fuck do you mean 'what's left'? What could you possibly have to buy here?"

"I'm paying for a separate room on the way back."

xXx

"Tobi!" Deidara barked at his subordinate. "We need to deal with this."

"Yes, sir, Deidara-senpai, sir!" replied Tobi, saluting. "I have packed the bird! We are ready to g—"

"Not _that_ 'this', the 'Leah has amnesia' this, un!" he clarified, irritated.

"Ohhh."

"This is actually perfect. If she had found out she had single-handedly killed Wakahisa—thanks to_ you_ applying the wrong concentration of poison—she would be freaking out right now. So, I don't think we should tell her."

"Okay. Then what are we going to tell her?"

Deidara thought for a moment. It was good that they had at least disposed of Wakahisa's body before Leah had woken up. He was glad that Leah didn't have to know she had killed a man, but on the other hand, he was having trouble thinking of a cover story that would explain his and Tobi's presence alone, their location, and Leah's odd attire. And he would have to incorporate a fancy dinner—wait.

"Tobi, I have an idea. Just play along."

At that moment, the door banged open, and Leah came charging at Deidara. She grabbed the blonde by the shoulders and shook him violently. "WHY DO I HAVE HICKIES ON MY NECK?!" She stabbed at said hickies with one hand while hitting him with the other.

"Ow—Leah—OW! HEY!" He grabbed both of her wrists to cease the abuse she was partaking in. He glanced around at a confused Tobi, and turned back to her with a sly expression on his face. "You…you don't remember _that_?" he asked, pretending to be hurt.

Leah eyed him suspiciously. "I'm getting tired of repeating this, but remember what? The last thing I remember is Kisame getting handcuffed to Eva."

"Um. Well. It's kind of embarrassing to have to tell you this, but they're from, erm, me, un," he whispered. Leah stared at him. Unable to tell if she believed him or not, he proceeded to build on his lie. "Well, Eva and Kisame needed your bed because they were stuck together, so you were going to share with me and you…kissed me."

"I did?"

"Yeah, I was surprised too. But anyway, Leader sent us all on missions, and we finished ours early so me and you went out a date. And you wanted to get all dressed up and that's when you ate the weird thing. And, yeah, the end, un."

The "serious" atmosphere was interrupted by Tobi cackling. Deidara turned on him, fire in his eyes that he was glad Leah couldn't see, for it might have caused her spontaneous combustion. "What?"

"Oh, uh, nothing! Senpai is really good at telling stories!" Tobi replied evasively.

"That's what I thought," Deidara said warningly.

Leah sighed. "I'm so confused."

**Author's Notes:**

**Claire: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD. I WORKED ON THIS ALL DAY TODAY AND FOR A LONG TIME YESTERDAY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. Every time we post a review saying "Hiatus, sry" I always think "This will be the time they decide to hate us". Well, we've been on hiatus for almost a year and that still hasn't happened. I love you guys so much. Over the last couple of months, since school started, I've had to deal with 2 AP classes, the rest honors, my teachers turning into jerks, and lots of different medication, so I haven't had much time to think about stuff like this. But I think I finished my homework (unless I forgot about some, which I probably did) and I was in a writing mood, so…I worked on this. I promise it was more dramatic than that at the time, but this is 24 pages so I'm written out. **

**I like Leah's mission :)**

**Oh. I had to write Eva's mission cuz Eva was…idk, doing stuff. And I don't like writing torture or fluff. So it didn't turn out very well. Sorry :(**

**OTHER THAN THAT, I AM HAPPY BECAUSE WE POSTED. ILU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS AND YOUR WEIRDNESS AND YOUR SOULSSSSSSSS.**

**Eva: Haha…yeah I fail epically. Er…I have the same classes as Claire, and so I don't really have any excuse for not being of much use. OTL**

**Even though I know you guys don't like me because I suck, I love you guys for being really awesome readers and and and and you guys because are awesome.**

**Leah: I feel bad because I **_**could**_** have worked on this but I decided to waste my free time doing other things D: Anyways, you people are so insanely awesome for having patience with this story and your reviews are awesome and you're awesome and everyone is just so awesomely awesome.**

**Happy 2010 :D**

**Claire: Why do I always write about a million times more than you two…? Oh well.**

**I just wanted to say I wrote that dream thing when I was really hungry, in case you couldn't tell. And all those things are true stories. I have a phobia of meat. I also, as of last week, have 6 piercings in each ear. Unnecessary fact is unnecessary! :D**

**So. This was kind of a fluke. I don't know when the next chapter will be out. Hopefully soon, but I'm not making any promises –glance-**


	22. Strip Clubs and Blackberrys

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: Gonna try to do the notes at the beginning so we don't ruin the end with our retardness.**

**Um. Did we mention this was going to be the last chapter?**

**Cuz it is.**

……**SURPRISE?!**

**-shot-**

**My usual groveling applies, but I figure not to the same extent because this chapter is uber long and is the last one –shot again-**

**It includes muchly drama llamas! Like fighting!**

**Honestly, you don't read this story for the action. You read it for the lols. Thus, it is justified that the fight scenes suck some major balls.**

**Leah told me she doesn't really know what to write and I realized I don't either. So I'm just going to let her talk now.**

**Leah: Claire! You made a rhyme!**

**Okay, some things to say. **

**First off, I'm going to apologize in advance if what Hidan says about a group of Muslims he knew offends you. He's Hidan, he doesn't care about offending people.**

**Secondly, Charli's profanity towards the end is sort of a joke to us. You see, I was playing Sonic the Hedgehog and I randomly shouted the word because I got scared. It was hilarious and awkward and largely influenced by Jason.**

**I don't wish to spoil anything but those had to get out of the way. **

**Enjoyyyyyyyy!**

**Claire: OMG GROSS I DID MAKE A RHYME. I hate rhyming FFFFFFFFFF**

**Just read yer dang story.**

Chapter 17:

At least half of the people in the room were convinced the Akatsuki leader had finally gone insane. He had been leaning against the coarse wall of the hideout with a dead-serious expression on his face while everyone else had gathered to hear his news. His calm demeanor actually completely contradicted what he had told them; he looked more content and at peace (though still maintaining the underlying aura of the head of an evil organization) than he had for many weeks, if not months. This was obviously due to the extended absence of his bickering underlings, who were ever present. But despite all of this, his words were baffling and absurd.

"Okay, I must still have jet lag or something because I can't believe what you just said, un." Deidara said this slowly, voicing the opinion of everyone in the room, though he was one of the few who could supply an excuse of that validity. "So you're going to have to say it again."

Pein displayed no frustration, irritation, or any other negative mood, and calmly acquiesced to the blonde's appeal. "We're all going to an onsen today, and because it is mandatory, it will be my treat," he repeated, enunciating slowly so that there would be no mistake.

There were several replies to this, all along the lines of '_why?_'. The ones who offered no protests appeared too confused or horrified to do anything but stare, blink, and glace at each other in wonder and shock. Pein waited until this had ceased and were awaiting his answer before he gave it to them.

"Because the last few weeks have been particularly stressful, what with the constant abductions of people…and places. Not to mention the missions you just returned from. Onsens rejuvenate the mind and body, and you are all in need of that. I know that most of you don't take good enough care of yourself, and you've gotten lazy lately. I will need you to be at your best so we can successfully eradicate the Konoha ninja, so I'm taking temporary control of your health."

This motive, while reasonable, did not sustain everyone. Namely, Konan, who had been one of silent and shocked. She now tentatively stepped forward and half-whispered to him, "Leader, are you sure that would be…_appropriate_…considering—"

Pein cleared his throat and subtly avoided looking her in the eye. "Not that onsen, the other one."

This exchange was not lost on the others, whose suspicion and subconscious powers of observation had been set on edge by the irregularity of the event.

"Wait," said Kisame, a smug grin creeping onto his face, "you guys have _another _onsen?"

"An onsen that wouldn't be 'appropriate'?" Eva giggled mischievously.

Everyone, excluding the two suspects, Itachi, and Zetsu's white half, snickered. The first notch was carved into Pein's serenity, marked by a barely perceptible tightening of his jaw. But he coolly recovered his patience. "Leave it to you two to come up with that interpretation," he said, nodding at the handcuffs, which had lost some of their pinkness but none of their strength. "Did you consider that perhaps Konan is simply familiar with the area and knows the different establishments and their specifications? And for you three in particular—" he indicated Eva, Leah, and Claire "—was showing concern for your modesty? Most onsen don't allow any kind of covering." The three of them tensed with varying degrees of shyness and embarrassment, and Claire quietly muttered 'Fuck that…' in a definitive tone. The others took on the slight appearance of scolded children, averting their eyes and examining their nails.

Pein smiled slightly at having achieved this effect, and nonchalantly began walking to the other side of the hideout. "I thought it was a rather generous and uncharacteristic suggestion on my part, but since you're all so skeptical…" he led off meaningfully.

This prompted contradictions and oaths of a slightly pathetic nature, but that kind of relaxation really sounded amazing after all they'd been through. Pein watched them with falsely indifferent eyes, enjoying the pathetic groveling they were partaking in to get on his good side. Yes, this was how it should always be. "Well then, I think we should leave in about an hour," he said, and left them to prepare.

XxX

As everyone else was leaving to get ready, Leah hung back. "Tobi," she hissed at the ninja. Tobi turned his orange-masked face around, looking from side-to-side and then pointing toward himself questioningly. Leah paused. "Do you see another Tobi here…?"

Tobi shrugged and followed her back to her room.

"Soooo…" he led off.

"I know Deidara's story is bullshit," Leah said.

Tobi uttered a sound that was something like '_eep_'.

"I want to know what the truth is."

"Well…would you believe…at the restaurant there were…um…" He pushed the tips of his fingers together nervously and avoided her unnaturally menacing glare. "This is going to sound strange, but there were _miniature pentapuses._"

"Miniature pentapi…" Leah repeated.

"Yes. And when you walked in there was a guy carrying a tank of them and he tripped and they spilled and some of them latched on to your neck and…and…yeah. And that is what happened," Tobi rambled.

"Do you have anything more believable...?"

Tobi hung his head. "Tobi thought it was a good story…"

"Just tell me the truth, Tobi."

Tobi half-hummed, half-whined in protest. He looked around nervously for nothing and seriously hoped Deidara would not be able to hear him.

xXx

They had all dressed minimally, the Akatsuki members leaving their characteristic cloaks at the hideout, since clothes would be more or less unnecessary anyway. Thankfully, the Akatsuki's recognizable faces were not enough to set the attendants of the onsen on edge. They were welcomed as enthusiastically as normal, law-abiding citizens would have been.

As they separated to go into the Men's and Women's respective locker rooms, the first problem arose. Eva was the one who pointed it out. "Kisame…which locker room are we going to go into? And…how are we going to take showers? While we're on this topic, the onsen are gender-specific…which one are we going into?"

"The guy's," Claire answered for her. "I don't care if I'm wearing a towel or not. The only reason I even agreed to go was because I was told it would just be girls."

Hidan looked temporarily crushed. "But I was going to ditch the towel just for you, Claire."

"Oh my God, shut the fuck up."

Kisame grimaced. "I think Claire's right, actually. As prone as I am to being the gentleman…" he said, laughing a bit at the irony of the statement, "it'd be better if you went with us. After all, you've been handcuffed to me for two days, you should be used to men by now. If not, sucks for you, you're going with us anyways."

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Eh, it won't bother me too much to be in the onsen. Nothing I haven't read about. But what about the locker room predicament? I'm sorry, but I draw the line at taking a shower while in the same room as so many guys. I'm assuming that there aren't any curtains, so…"

Konan spoke up with "Well, after Leah, Claire and I are done changing, you guys could use the girl's locker room. It would be empty then; no one uses the onsen this late."

"Sounds good to me. I've always wanted to know what the inside of one looked like," Kisame said, and sat down against a nearby wall. Eva fell down, and then recovered herself and changed to a sitting position.

"Yeah, sure," she allotted. "Sounds good to me too."

Moments later, they were the only two people left outside. Eva was basking in how comfortable their silences were getting, taking it as a sign of a progressing relationship. Kisame had been thinking about whether he should wrap their wrists to prevent chafing from the handcuffs, and whether or not the fuzzy part would protect them enough. Hooting and laughter came from the boy's locker room. She smiled. She didn't think she would ever get used to the fact that a bunch of S-class ninja murderer people were, when it boiled down to it…still just guys.

"You have a really stupid thoughtful look on your face. It's scaring me."

She stuck her tongue out at him. "That could almost constitute as flirting, Kisame."

"Che. You wish."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." She rolled her eyes and wondered if her smile was permanently etched on her face.

She heard a towel snap, twice, from the boy's locker room. She chose not to comment.

"Hidan!" Kisame yelled gruffly. "Don't get Kakuzu pissed off, he's probably paying for our food!"

"How the fuck did you know I was the one who whipped him?" came the almost-faint shout from inside.

Kisame chuckled, but heard a thump and another shout from Hidan, so didn't bother responding.

The girl's locker room, on the other hand, was completely silent; almost serene. Eva half-expected Mozart to start drifting in from the background. This contrast surprised neither of them.

After ten minutes or so, Konan stuck her head out of the door. "Locker's free."

Kisame got up first, and then gave Eva a hand. "Finally." He walked in with large, confident strides, looking around briefly before seeing the showers. He grabbed two towels from a rack hung up in the hallway, and took a sharp right into the area. He tossed one to Eva, and turned the closest shower nozzle on. "Okay. So this is how it's going to work. I'll strip first, and you close your eyes. I'll shower, wrap the towel around me, and then we switch."

"Um…'kay." She realized he had already started pulling down his pants, so she turned around. When he was done, she took her stance in the shower, stripped, and washing as fast as she could, blushing the entire while, did what she had to do. She grabbed her towel, then, and wrapped it around her as well.

"That was done with a lot less awkwardness than was expected," Kisame commented.

"I'm glad you wear boxers, and not briefs," she said in return. At the look on his face, she said "I saw them on the floor!"

"Sure you did. It's not your fault," he joked, as they walked back to the front, and through the boy's locker room, which was now empty, and towards the onsen. "I know that you just can't resist my dashing good looks and rippling muscles."

"No! No, I swear I didn't look! I'm not like that. I talk the talk, but I'm too young to walk the walk!"

"Whatever you say, Eva."

They then entered the onsen area, and the sight they were met with took away any and all responses that she had been thinking of. Everyone was out there, of course. Tobi was still fully clothed except for his shoes, and his leggings, which were rolled up a bit, to allow his feet to soak in the water. But, it was sufficiently awkward that the rest of them were naked, and Eva might have been able to stare at the night sky the whole time if not for Hidan. Not only was he nude, he was standing up unabashedly, and was letting loose a constant stream of profanity.

"Fucking hell, Kakuzu. Stop being a whiny little bitch and give me my fucking arm and my fucking towel back before I run home, get my scythe, and kill your sorry ass, you motherfuc—"

"Watch your mouth," Pain warned. "And watch the blood. Don't get it into the water."

"If you want me to fucking calm down, make that motherfucker give me my Goddamn towel back! I need to stop this fucking bleeding."

Eva's eyes were soaking in the status of his right arm, which was, in a manner of speaking, MIA. Kakuzu had it slung over his shoulder, and was keeping Hidan at bay, apparently due to his lack of scythe. There was a large puddle of blood collecting on the pavement next to the onsen, and Hidan stood maybe a foot away from Kakuzu, who was looking extremely nonchalant. "Uh…Kisame?" Eva asked. "Is it safe to go over there?"

He, who hadn't even slowed his pace, completely used to this type of fight between the two teammates, said, "Yeah, of course. They'll keep it between themselves."He slid into the onsen with a relaxed splash, and Eva went in next to him.

Pein was now raising his voice at Kakuzu, telling him to give Hidan his towel back, and sew his arm back on before the blood got to the water.

Hidan seemed to quiet down, but protested loudly again when Pein told him to clean up the spill. Eva and Kisame watched it like they would a movie, Eva occasionally sinking up to her nose in the water so she could laugh without earning the Jashinist's horrifying glare.

XxX

The blue mist rising from the springs was so calming that they all relaxed and enjoyed the feel of the water for a while. A stream could be heard trickling from somewhere in the distance, and dense exotic ferns and palm trees lined some of the edges of the pool. The others were decorated with softly lit lanterns and bamboo chairs, which the Akatsuki members had flung their towels onto.

"Y'know," Hidan said, opening one magenta eye lazily, "This reminds me of the time I went to a strip club with a bunch of Muslims."

"You went to a strip club with a bunch of Muslims?" Eva repeated incredulously.

He shrugged. "Allah doesn't have a passport."

"After we initially met the girls," said Zetsu, who had been inspired by Hidan's story, "I found a cure for the common cold. I tried using a loquat as an ingredient, and it worked. But I destroyed the recipe anyway."

Pein sighed, appearing comfortable but for his words. "Zetsu, I'm docking your pay by 20% until further notice."

"_It was worth it_."

Eva giggled and looked around the circle, surveying the Akatsuki's upper halves as best she could so as to select a suitable candidate. "Itachi, you should tell us a story. I bet you have some funny ones."

"No," Itachi said without opening his eyes.

Eva frowned, dejected.

"I have another story," Hidan volunteered. The others raised eyebrows curiously. "I met this girl once, and she was kind of a bitch, but shit happened and now I have to marry her."

"Great story, un," Deidara said sarcastically, splashing the rotten tomato equivalent of a wave towards him.

Tobi snickered. "Sounds like true love to me."

"You want to talk about true love?" Kisame remarked suddenly.

"Please spare us another of your stories about your dumb sword," Kakuzu moaned.

"I wasn't going to talk about Samehada…I was going to talk about socks." The others groaned, knowing where this was going. "So there were these socks that I found, right? And they were this beautiful red color. It was like….it wasn't as dark as cherries but it would be like that if cherries were lighter…I guess it would be more like a dark magenta—"

"Kisame, please. Enough," Pein interrupted. Kisame scowled. "I have something I want to talk about with all of you anyway."

"So," Pein said loudly, hoping the girls in the adjacent onsen would be able to hear him. "We need to talk about the Konoha ninja." The rest of them were quiet. He took this as a sign to continue. "Konan, Zetsu, and I came up with a plan while you were all on your missions, but it still has some details to be worked out, and anyway we need to go over it with all of you."

Eva blinked and deeper into the water. She sensed that she and her friends would once again be useless.

"Anyway—"

An eruption of giggles from the girls' onsen interrupted him. A vein in Pein's jaw twitched slightly. "Are you listening to me?!" he yelled even louder than before.

The giggling ceased, followed by discreet whispering. "Are you talking to us?" Konan shouted back faintly.

"Yes!"

"Talk louder!"

There were snickers from some of the guys while Pein paused and collected his scattered patience. He awkwardly attempted to yell with an authorized composure. "I was saying we need to—"

"CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Claire interjected.

"WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE MISSIONS!" Pein roared.

"…YOU WANT TO MOCK KISSING?"

"NO HE SAID HE WANTS TO GO FISHING." It was unclear why the girls were still yelling when talking to each other.

"I HEARD NUCLEAR FISSION."

"FORGET IT!" the freshly irritated Akatsuki leader shouted. "WE ARE GOING TO THE SAME ONSEN. YOU GIRLS HAVE 30 SECONDS TO GRAB YOUR TOWELS."

There was a frantic scrambling sound and shrieks from Leah and Claire from the other side of the fence.

"Sweeeet, un, it's party time," Deidara grinned to himself.

"_All of us_ will be wearing towels, Deidara," Pein clarified.

"Wasn't the whole point of this that it's against the rules to wear towels in the onsen?" Kisame muttered disinterestedly as he grabbed his from a chair.

"Yeah! You guys were all bugging me earlier about wearing a towel…" Eva agreed, pouting.

"I've decided the rules in this case are irrelevant," Pein offered simply. "TIME'S UP," he called to the girls, and jumped over the fence. The others followed.

Kisame glanced at Eva, then at their unfortunate bonds, bits of which had freed themselves in the pool and were now floating about like little fluorescent snowflakes. "Let's just walk around…." he said.

Eva nodded. "Yeah…"

xXx

"How come the girls get a nicer onsen than we do?" Hidan complained, sinking back into the water. "All these frilly ferns and waterfalls and shit."

"We appreciate aesthetics," Konan supplied somewhat sarcastically.

"If that's the case we can ditch the towels."

Deidara chuckled and offered Hidan a rare high five, which was accepted by an equally rare stroke of good humor. Konan rolled her eyes and Leah decided it might be best to stare upward, just in case.

"Where's the bitch anyway?"

"Claire's over there." Leah pointed behind a rock where the redhead was hiding.

"Dammit Leah, you fucking traitor!" Claire screeched.

"Claire-san, what _are_ you doing over there?" asked Tobi as he resettled his feet in the therapeutic liquid.

"Enjoying my privacy. I don't like naked people," she muttered.

"C'mon bitch, we don't bite," the Jashinist grinned.

"_Speak for yourself_."

There were more chuckles and splashes at this comment, which quickly rose into something more rowdy. Pein's serenity was quickly dissolving, and he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.

"As enjoyable as this banter is, we do have an agenda," Itachi reminded them.

The Akatsuki leader cleared his throat. "Thank you, Itachi. Now, as I was saying before, we need to discuss how we're going to get Konoha out of the girls' house. Here's the plan…"

XxX

"'Charli, it's Pein. We're getting tired of waiting for you to call. We've noticed a massive lack of force surrounding Konoha, and we're going to take the opportunity to attack it. There's also been a rumor the Kazekage has been missing from Suna, and Deidara claims to have some kind of personal score to settle there…'

'—FUCK YEAH, UN!'

'…Anyway, I was going to ask if you wanted to help with a mission, but you're being too unreliable to count on. Don't try to contact us; we don't want to take any unnecessary risks of being noticed.'

_Click_."

"Think it's a trap?" Gai asked, unusually solemn.

"Maybe," said Kakashi.

"It would be unrealistic to think they didn't know we were here. Otherwise, they probably would have come back by now," Jiraiya reasoned.

Charli clenched the edge of the chair she was sitting on harder. "Sometimes they don't come back for a long time, you can't say that!"

"Quiet, you." Temari put a hand on the girl's head, gently, but firm enough to convey the message of seriousness. The other ninja did not react to her outburst.

Kakashi unfolded his arms and stared towards the tiled floor in thought. "Still, it's true that having all of us occupy this house we've taken a major chunk out of Konoha's defensive system. They _could_ actually use this chance to attack."

"Either way, odds are they're trying to draw us away from the house so they can come back," Shikamaru said.

"But we could return quickly," Lee added somewhat hopefully.

Neji waved away his optimism impatiently. "It would be easy for them to set up an ambush here. Much easier than in Konoha, or anywhere in our world."

"It doesn't look like we can take any chances," TenTen said quietly.

There was silence as the large group tried to think of contradictions to her words. Frustrated tension flooded the atmosphere and pressed in on them. Charli's eyes were starting to hurt due to the intensity with which she was watching them. Of course it was a trap. It was painfully obvious. But it did have a sadistic little "What if?" factor. What if it was true and the Akatsuki destroyed Konoha and Suna while its greatest protectors were away? It would be their fault. Charli focused all of her energy into willing their paranoia to succeed, so much that she was half certain someone's hair would spontaneously combust.

"What about us, Gaara?" Kankuro mentioned to his younger brother gently.

The eyebrowless boy stared on ahead, noticeably disturbed. "Considering what happened the last time, I have confidence Deidara could do serious damage to Suna if we are absent. I don't want to take a chance."

"Maybe some of us should stay here and some of us should go back?" Hinata suggested, very timidly. She seemed to shrink into her coat collar like a turtle and blush deeper when most of them turned to look at her. "N-nevermind…"

Jiraiya smiled and put a hand on her shoulder. "No, Hinata, it's a good idea." He dropped his arm and faced the rest again. "I wish there were a way we could avoid reducing our numbers, but I think we'll have to. If either group gets attacked, hopefully a messenger can be sent for backup before any real damage is done. I propose myself and one team should stay behind, while the rest of you return."

"That doesn't seem like a very equal division," Choji pointed out worriedly.

"Protection of Konoha comes first. It'll be enough."

Charli did very complex gymnastics of joy internally, and diverted her hair-roasting powers of concentration to keeping the glee off her face externally.

"I think Jiraiya's right. And I find your bravery youthful!" Gai gave a ridiculously large smile and a thumbs up, both rather inappropriate for the mood.

"So who's gonna stay?" Kiba asked.

"I think my group should," Shikamaru volunteered. "Not to say that everyone else is under qualified, but we tend to excel in stealth, which seems key to this situation."

Ino and Chouji glanced at each other. "I'm game," Ino agreed. The other nodded.

Kakashi nodded. "I think this is a good arrangement. The rest of us should probably go now. The message didn't say how soon they would be attacking. For all we know, they're already on their way."

xXx

Charli felt like she was in a Saw movie. The wire had snapped, and she now had about sixty seconds to complete her task before the timer went off and the death machine blew up her heart. The "death machine" being the departing Konoha ninja and "blew up her heart" being "caught her", that is. As soon as everyone's back was turned, she snatched her phone from the counter where Gaara had set it down and flipped it open.

Her fingers trembled with stress. She glanced up. They were still distracted, and the jutsu was making its thundering noise. She didn't have time to change them both. Oh well, she knew both numbers by heart anyway. She clicked the 'Erase' button next her brother's contact information, hastily tapping the yes button, yes she was sure she wanted to delete the info. She glanced up again. The lights were stopping, the wind and thundering noises still destroying the cleanliness of the living room. She missed the contact on the first try, and had to go back and open the right one. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Pein's name was gone. Five, two, seven…too many sevens…damn the six key…there.

"Contact 'JASON' updated."

XxX

"What are you doing with that?" Shikamaru snapped at Charli, grabbing the phone from her.

The girl frowned at him with practiced intolerance. "I was just texting my brother, _gawd_," she replied, taking it back to show him. The text message window displayed Jason's name at the top, and the unfinished message innocently read 'Jason, when are you going to be ho—'. Still suspicious, the ninja clicked through recent messages and calls, looking for anything devious. "If you don't give me that back soon I won't be able to resist pulling on your pineapple hair any longer," she threatened.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at her. He shut the phone and returned it to her after a few seconds, as if he had been done anyway. He sat down next to her and crossed his arms. "Don't think because there are fewer of us, you won't be watched."

_Yeah, nice job on that so far_, Charli thought smugly. Pein responded quickly, however, and saved her the trouble of thinking of a slight for her new watch dog. He peered over her head indiscreetly as she opened the phone. She sighed. "Be—the letter B—back—spelled B-C-K—'at' symbol, 6, on second—2-n-d. Keep dog distractd—no E in 'distracted'," she read aloud, and gave him the phone after so he could check for himself.

She tapped her foot loudly against the chair and continually checked her nonexistent watch while Shikamaru scrutinized her phone. After a couple of minutes, he pocketed it, though he still seemed dissatisfied. "I'm on to you, kid," he muttered.

Once he had turned and gone, Charli smiled, in such a way that it was almost a smirk. _I seriously doubt that._

xXx

When the dust cleared, the girls carefully rubbed their eyes and squinted. It looked like a heaven-dwelling being had taken a leaf blower and cleared off a huge circle where they were standing with their Akatsuki comrades. Rocks and eucalyptus leaves made crumbling barriers on the edges of their circle, occasionally discharging a bit of leftover electricity into the air. As usual, the ninjas were more composed than the three teenagers, and disinterestedly brushed airborne dirt off their cloaks and hair.

"It smells different here than I remember," said Eva. She sneezed after inhaling a tiny gnat with her curious sniffs.

"Thank you for setting the mood, Eva," Claire mumbled sarcastically.

The Akatsuki leader was already a good distance ahead of the group. "We need to start walking," he told the rest of them.

They walked in their teams about 100 feet apart, in areas where the trees grew the thickest. Hopefully no residents would peer off their balcony to see what would look to outsiders like a cult trudging through a canyon; and if they did, they would just assume they were all druggies and leave them be. They were silent with apprehension. If anything went wrong, it could seriously mess up the plan. The chances no one from either side would get hurt were infinitesimally small. It had taken a lot of arguing from the girls to convince the ninja to alter their fighting style so it would be as short and uncomplicated as possible.

"You don't think anyone noticed us?"

"No, Tobi. The trees where we transported were almost as dense as you, un."

"_Don't forget, Deidara. There's a reason we're approaching the house from different angles,_" came Pein's voice over their headsets. Despite what they had told Charli, each of them was equipped with one of the numerous earpieces she had supplied them with. "_Even if we mask our chakra, chances are they left someone there who will be able to detect us. That's why we have to draw our signals and get in there as quickly as possible. Everyone knows their signal, right?_"

There was a chorus of solemn 'yes's.

"_All right then, Claire, Leah, you're up._"

XxX

The doorknob was moving. Someone outside the house was trying to get it, and it wasn't Jason. Jason never had key troubles, and was never this quiet if he did. The Konoha ninja were on guard. Jiraiya, from his perch at the top of the stairs, was prepared for an aerial attack. Ino lurked behind the large supporting column that stood Southeast of the doorway. Choji and Shikamaru took the West flank, crouching low behind the half walls and furniture. Charli watched from the living room couch.

After an eternity, the door sprung open. Five hearts skipped a beat—for nothing.

"I told you so! You were turning it the wrong way!"

"I thought you just had to stick it in and move it a little, not full on _turn_ it."

"You're so dumb, Jenny."

"Not as dumb as you, stupid Nicole."

Shikamaru sighed and revealed himself from his hiding place. "Hello, ladies," he greeted coolly. He was slightly disappointed, but also relieved that it had not been the Akatsuki. Then again, he hadn't been expecting them to come in through the front door.

"Oh hi!" she said, flipping her hair. "Sorry about just barging in like that."

Shikamaru waved his hand dismissively and watched as the others casually joined him in the entry way. "It's fine," he replied. "But I must ask that you come back another time. We're expecting company."

"We are?" Charli questioned innocently. She skipped over to Jenny and Nicole, giving them both hugs in an attempt to up her innocent factor. "Surely they can stay for a little bit. Can't they, Jiraiya?" The three blonde girls gazed at Jiraiya pleadingly.

Jiraiya leaned his forearms on the banister and gave the eleven-year-old an irked smile. "Charli—"

"We promise we'll be gooooood," Nicole smiled and batted her lashes and pushed her arms together in a way that made her chest push forward just a little more.

Jenny's eyes grew wide. "Nicole, girl, check out his hair!"

The elder sister turned her head to get a better view of said hair. "Oh my God!" she grabbed Jenny's hand and they started up the stairs. "You have to let us play with your hair!"

"It is so gorgeous!" Jenny gushed.

Jiraiya seemed not to notice the compliments, eyes fixed a little further South than they legally should have been. "Girls, I'm sorry but—"

Jenny took hold of Jiraiya's hand and attempted to pull him further up the stairs. "Oh don't be shy! We just want to chat and you _must_ tell us your secrets!"

The elder ninja was about to offer another feeble protest until Nicole tossed her jacket to Charli, asking the child to hang it up. Nicole's slim figure and her large chest, both of which were perfectly accentuated by her tight white tank top that was a little too short for her, were revealed by this motion.

_A few minutes wouldn't hurt_, Jiraiya thought. He grinned as the MacElliot sisters led him away.

Shikamaru gaped at the spot where Jiraiya had just been standing. The dignified composure he had attempted to adopt had quickly fallen to pieces. And then those pieces had evaporated. "Did that honestly just happen?"

Ino crossed her arms. "Men," she scoffed.

"It's fine, you guys. If anything happens, Jiraiya will know. He wouldn't choose two girls over a chance to fight the Akatsuki," Chouji said optimistically.

Ino rolled her eyes. "Sure he wouldn't." She slipped the kunai she had been holding back in its holster. "I'm going to go file my nails or something."

"I think you should take care of your girl-stache first," Shikamaru quipped.

"Only after you get your bikini line waxed. Seriously, it's gross," Ino retorted playfully and disappeared into the living room.

With nothing better to do, Shikamaru and Chouji stared at Charli.

"What?" she barked at them.

"We're watching you," the shadow ninja said then immediately contradicted himself by turning around, retreating into the ground floor's spare bedroom.

Charli silently poked Chouji's stomach and then returned to watching Spongebob.

_This was anti-climatic_, Chouji thought. He followed the eleven-year-old so he too could watch the fanciful adventures of the sponge that lived in a pineapple under the sea.

xXx

"Charli!" called Leah, dropping her bag unceremoniously on the floor.

"Leah! Claire!" gasped Ino.

"Ino?" said Claire.

A blonde head popped over the railing of the stairs. "Leah?!"

Another head appeared, equally blonde. "Leah!"

"Jenny?" Claire looked at Leah.

"Nicole?" Leah looked at Claire.

Shikamaru appeared from the hall. "Claire! Leah!"

Claire spotted Charli, who was in the kitchen. "Charli!"

"Can we stop this?" pleaded Chouji.

"What are you doing here?" Shikamaru demanded of the girls, his face an uncomfortable blend of surprise and anger.

"What are we doing here? We live here!" retorted Claire.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Leah added.

"They're TORTURING me!" Charli screeched, feigning hysteria.

Ino huffed and rolled her eyes. "We did not torture you."

Jiraiya finally joined the confrontation, his hair clad in a medley of bows and braids and sparkly things. "What's going on? When did they get here?"

Nicole started hopping up and down on the stairs, something the others considered vaguely dangerous considering her high heels and ditsy manner combined with height. "Have you guys seen his hair?! It's so pretty. Look, we made it better." The ridiculous girl beamed with an intensity inversely proportional to her intelligence.

Shikamaru dropped the playful method he had adopted around his friends and switched into interrogation mode, facing his new suspects with a stony expression. "Where are the Akatsuki?" he persisted.

"They're talking about Antarticans again." Claire sighed. "Or was it Alaskans?"

"I'm getting really tired of Alaska. It shouldn't even be part of the United States. It's freaking attached to Canada. It's the _appendix_ of Canada," Leah frowned.

This had gone on long enough. What right did these teenagers, these _outsiders_ have to question the politics of a world they were barely acquainted with? None! They were interfering with a justice so obvious it could be detected by a child. The people they were protecting—that they had _befriended_—were murderers! Murderers who were trying to attain as much power as possible to create a world dominated by fear and forced into submission by the threat of impending war. And they were treating this all like it was a game; they were pretending they had no idea what was going on, when really they were just being immature children who had gotten a few too many chances to be snide.

How could they be so careless? How could they have so little concern for an entire world, a whole separate universe that wasn't that different from their own? Not to mention, the two were now linked inextricably, with this magical tie. They had an obligation, a responsibility, a _duty_ even to care. And they didn't. They were just being ignorant brats.

What's more, the Akatsuki could easily be using them. Using their house as a base—a base that was almost inaccessible to enemy nations—nations that had experienced the raw terror brought by these demonic humans. They could be building a larger army in the secrecy of this alternate world; they could be learning how to use the advanced weaponry, the advanced technology, the advanced medicine. They could exterminate these girls if they defeat the shinobi nations and they no longer served any purpose to them...

They could be planning to take over this world next…

Shikamaru's temple twitched, and he could feel his blood pressure rising to a rate that would have worried him if he wasn't as young as he was. He climbed the few stairs to the platform the girls were standing on and stood rigidly in front of them. "Stop playing innocent. Stop. Protecting. Murderers."

Claire and Leah only stared at him, assuming equally grave expressions. Protecting murderers? How hypocritical. Konoha ninja were just as murderous and bloodthirsty as the Akatsuki. What's more, they were self-righteous and arrogant enough to assume that they alone had the right to be the international—no, inter_dimensional_—police. They had a very limited understanding of the Akatsuki's motives, and found that to be enough justification for taking away their basic human rights. Instead of offering a better alternative to the situation, oligarchies like the Konoha system were what had driven these men to become outlaws in the first place.

In any case, it wasn't as if the girls didn't understand the ramifications of their actions. It may have been cowardly, but in reality, what could they do? Three girls who had grown up completely apart from this new world, who had been taught that it was fiction, only to encounter a group of highly dangerous criminals in real life? They couldn't do anything about that.

Besides, as inconsiderate as it might sound, as terrible as it might appear to an outsider, it really wasn't their problem. It was their world, their consequences. They couldn't expect to use this new world as a resource, an advantage? To bring havoc upon the Earth, just as it had been brought upon their own? If Konoha and their allies couldn't deal with a mere eight men and one woman, what with their magnitude of power, maybe that was the natural order of things, the path their world meant for them to take.

"You've got a lot of nerve, inviting yourself into our house just so you can harass us," Claire said acidly. She calmly slid past him to join a perplexed Ino and Chouji on the couch.

"If it's your house," he continued cooly, "why haven't you been here for the last two weeks?"

"Well," began Leah, sitting next to her sister at the counter, "first we were kidnapped by you all, and then we were kidnapped by duck-butt-hair, and then we decided we needed a vacation and went to Disneyland." She took an apple from the bowl on the counter and bit into it casually.

"Is it really only the four of you? What if your Alaskans had shown up? You make it seem like they're such a big deal, and then you leave one sannin, and, what, three chuunin?" Claire casually combed her hair over her ear with her fingers, making sure it was hidden completely. She heard a slight crackle, but no words.

"We're more than enough to handle them," Chouji said bravely, though he failed to follow through with the icy composition of his comrade.

"Don't change the subject. Where's Eva?" Shikamaru inquired. He was eyeing Claire suspiciously, attention captured by her strange movements.

"Maybe she got kidnapped again," Claire offered, changing the channel on the TV.

"She wanted to get groceries, and we didn't want to wait for her," Leah supplied.

Shikamaru strode casually over to the couch, leaning over Claire's shoulder. "Or is she still with you?" he hissed into her ear. The feedback from Claire's earpiece whined loudly and she cringed, clutching it. Ino and Chouji leapt off the couch, suddenly on guard. "They're bugged," Shikamaru announced unnecessarily.

Jiraiya, who had been re-captured to the bathroom by the double-D duo, reappeared in a frenzy. Jenny was close behind him, wielding a hair straightener, and oblivious to the fact that it was unplugged. "Shikama—!"

Four doors burst open simultaneously. An inexplicable gust of air chilled the house; upon reflection, the girls could not help but imagine it had been added by the intruding ninja for dramatic effect. The large glass windows that walled the back of the house darkened with the sky, and the colors of the spilling sunset silhouetting the Akatsuki and enhancing the blood-red stains on the stark black of their cloaks.

The Konoha ninja extracted puny kunai from their belts, which were dwarfed by the menacing presence of the seven rouges that surrounded them. Sensing, despite their minimal intelligence, a magnificent tension between the foreigners, Jenny and Nicole huddled together at the top of the stairs, the former still clutching the useless iron in her manicured hands.

"So," Shikamaru forced out, his kunai hand shaking almost imperceptibly, "you finally showed up.

"Don't insult me with that toy, brat, seriously," Hidan sneered at Shikamaru, lazily swinging his scythe down from his shoulder into his hand.

Across the house, Jiraiya was staring at Pein and Konan, apparently dumbstruck. Adjacent to them, Itachi and Deidara serenely surveyed the scene, and perpendicular to them stood Kakuzu and Tobi.

"Some of them are missing," hissed Ino to Chouji. They stood back to back, she facing the Uchiha and the artist, he facing the formidable zombie and his cohort.

"The girl is observant," Pein remarked, his face an unusual mask of manic joviality. Jiraiya's eyes were still darting between him and Konan. "By the way, I like your new hair style. It's very slimming. Wouldn't you agree, Konan?"

"I would." She smiled peacefully.

Jiraiya reached up to his hair and slowly tore the bows and braids from it. Jenny and Nicole made little gasps of disappointment. "Go upstairs, girls," he said.

"We're not going to hurt anyone, if that's what you're worried about!" Tobi squeaked.

The Konoha ninja offered him a skeptical glance, never relaxing one cell of the tension they had stored throughout their bodies despite Tobi's lack of authority.

"We'd also appreciate it if you helped us try to keep the house in one piece. We promised not to destroy it, but some amount of damage seems kind of inevitable," Konan added. "That is, unless you were planning to surrender." She looked up casually from her nails.

Shikamaru scoffed. "Yeah, right."

"In that case, I have something to request of all of you," Claire announced. Eleven sets of eyes glanced her way. "If you're going to fight, then _fight_. Don't spend hours _talking_ about it. This isn't Betty's Hair Salon, gals." She put up a calm pretense, but in reality, she and Leah were terrified. They didn't want either side to be harmed, even though Konoha most likely deserved it; and in the back of their minds they realized the Akatsuki did too, to some extent.

They still watched her expectantly. Claire glanced at Leah and sighed. "Well…go!"

The clang of metal on metal rang through the house as if it were an armory. The ninja were smears of color on a canvas, as far as the girls were concerned. Charli watched in awe, not sure what to do, as Claire and Leah slowly inched towards the doorway again.

Laughing his maniacal laugh, Hidan backed out of the glass door he had come through. "Come out and play!" he taunted.

Shikamaru, sufficiently confused and worried, hesitated before following him. He could have been planting a trap the whole time they had been preoccupied with the girls. Other Akatsuki members could be waiting to ambush him. He spared a backward glance at his friends, who were engaged in battle with other Akatsuki members. He couldn't afford to fail them, not when so much was at risk. If only he had a little more time to think—

A shuriken whizzed past his left shoulder and cut through his shirt, grazing his arm.

"Come on, kid, I don't have all day!"

Diverting a substantial portion of his chakra-sensing energy outwards, Shikamaru tentatively followed him into the yard. As he had expected, he was immediately assaulted by the scythe weapon, which he barely dodged. He barely had any time to recover a kunai when he was met head-on by another attack, this time short distance. He saw the intensity of the sadistic man's magenta eyes and, with great effort, repelled him and the giant scythe.

_This is bad_, Shikamaru thought,_ I'm no good at taijutsu. _They continued to spar, Shikamaru ascertaining many lacerations while Hidan received few. The younger ninja could barely hold off his opponent, whose attacks were incredibly frequent and hard to analyze for pattern.

Eventually, Hidan abandoned his scythe in favor of a simple kunai, and was obviously toying with Shikamaru as they sparred. Beads of sweat formed on the younger ninja's forehead as he attempted to make some kind of mark on the Akatsuki member. Hidan, meanwhile, was hopping around like a four-year-old on a sugar high. "Whassamatter, can't keep up?" he taunted.

Shikamaru answered by faking a lunge left and slicing right across Hidan's stomach. The latter just barely managed to bend backwards enough to dodge the worst of it and avoid having his organs spill out onto the floor. Even though he was immortal, that wouldn't have been particularly fun.

He chuckled. "Ouch. Got me."

Within seconds, their hand-to-hand match was resurrected. Between fractions of seconds, Shikamaru tried to take notice of the surroundings. Hidan cut left; he hopped to the opposite direction. Little dots of light on the ground. A sharp kick to his side cost him his footing and launched him into a somersault. Trees blocked the moon. The zombie man lunged and Shikamaru sidestepped. No light from inside the house either, the blinds were drawn. The _swish_ of a kunai past his ear and the swift rustle as another was drawn from a belt.

Theoretically, the conditions were ideal for his jutsu, as everything was in shadow. But the taijutsu allowed him no time to make even one hand signal, and every time he backed away, he encountered Hidan's grinning face moments later.

"Stupid little brat," muttered Hidan as he stared at his enemy. Shikamaru was bleeding in several places, and probably had even more internal bleeding, but he refused to fall. Hidan flipped his scythe off of his back and into his hand. Shikamaru gulped. Now was his chance. Carefully, he edged away. "I know I'm not supposed to do anything to you," he said wistfully, running a finger along one of the blades. Shikamaru prepared himself, going over the symbols in his mind so they would come out easier through his hands. The Akatsuki member, meanwhile, continued, "but you're _really_ making this difficult for—hey—what the—TOBI, what the fuck are you doing?"

"The Macarena! It's the dance of peace!" Tobi explained, moving his left hand from straight in front of him to his right shoulder. "Quick, knock him out!" he hissed. Tobi continued to dance, facing Shikamaru with the intent of distraction. Shikamaru forgot his mission temporarily in favor of being completely baffled.

And then Hidan hit Tobi on the head with his scythe. As the masked man fell heavily to the floor, Shikamaru watched in amazement. "So much for camaraderie," he muttered.

Unfortunately, after all his planning and scheming, the time Shikamaru had taken to look down and make this little comment cost him _his_ consciousness. "Goddamn you Zetsu, you fucking poacher," Hidan complained, looking at his prey, incapacitated through no fault of his own.

"Sorry," Zetsu said, not sounding very sorry at all. He reached his arm up through the patio floor and scrawled a symbol on it with a piece of chalk. "I'm almost done. Get him to the middle."

XxX

Inside the house, Ino was attempting to fend off the formidable Uchiha. "Do I scare you?" he questioned monotonously as their kunai clashed.

"I think it would be stupid not to be afraid of you. Doesn't mean I'm not going to fight, though."

Like Shikamaru, she was out of her element when it came to taijutsu, which was the method the Uchiha had decided their fight would be in. Of all his skills, of all the ways he could have chosen to fight her, this one was the most work. She had pegged him for one of those uninvolved fighters.

A shuriken stuck in her left shoulder and she yelped in surprise. Itachi raised his eyebrows skeptically. "This is the power of Konoha?"

Ino put on a face that displayed more bravery than she felt. "No, I was just thinking about other things. That's how easy this is for me." She danced around another volley of kunai and tossed a few of her own, which missed by miles.

Itachi was feeling quite ready for this fight to be over. This girl was no challenge at all, and she wasn't doing anything interesting or noteworthy. He tossed three more kunai her way, and they made parallel lacerations on her thigh.

Itachi sighed, figuring it really was time to end it, when he noticed an involuntary fluctuation in the girl's chakra. Apparently she was thinking about something very hard, because she was giving off so much extra energy that she actually deflected one of his shuriken. Nevermind, that was a bit interesting.

Apparently getting to the point, Ino took in a rather obvious breath and swiftly mashed her hands together in conformations only she could understand and shouted, "Shintenshin no Jutsu!" thrusting her hands forward in a closed circle.

No, he had been mistaken. She wasn't interesting at all. He easily deflected her feeble attempt without even exerting any of his conscious energy and blinked. "You really thought," his voice seemed to whisper in her ear, "that would work on me?"

Ino stood frozen, and before she could determine whether it was over her own volition or some complex sharingan technique used by her opponent, he _was_ behind her. She felt his cold hands on either side of her head, felt them turn, and she was unconscious.

xXx

While Itachi dragged his unconscious foe out of the way, Deidara had joined Leah and Claire across the room. "What are you guys doing over here, un?" he hissed.

"We're trying to help with the symbols," Leah explained, ducking as a shuriken flew towards them and embedded itself in the door with a '_thunk_'.

"You're supposed to leave that to me and Zetsu!"

"Deidara, _move_!" Kakuzu shouted as Chouji rolled toward him. Deidara hopped out of the way in time for the boy to strike a potted palm. Luckily, the foliage had a plastic pot rather than a ceramic one, and he merely bounced off and rolled back towards his opponent.

"This place is too fucking small for four battles to be happening," the blonde complained, grabbing the chalk Claire was holding. "Your handwriting sucks," he explained.

Leah peered over his shoulder as he scribbled something on the floor and roughly pushed him over as another flying piece of metal made its way towards them.

"WATCH IT, KAKUZU!" Deidara sighed and opened the door under the stairs. "Get in," he commanded.

The girls stared at him. "What?" Claire stated dully.

"Get in the motherfucking closet. I don't want you guys getting hurt!" He waved his arm dramatically towards the opening, as if he could waft them into it.

"Ah, look out!" Leah said.

Deidara dodged the third shuriken by leaning against the girls and squishing them into the tiny room. He then slammed the door shut and held it there, breathing heavily. "Great. Super. Okay."

"I fucking feel like Harry Potter," came Claire's muffled complaints from behind the door.

"Tough, un." He picked up the chalk and darted to the next spot.

XxX

Although Konan was present with Pein, she mostly served to go against Claire's demand and distract Jiraiya with small talk. Meanwhile, Pein was abstaining from using his jutsus so as not to damage the house. Thus, he and Jiraiya were, like the others, resulting to genin level attacks. Namely, kunai.

"It really is pitiful to see our old master reduced to this. Ribbons in his hair like some sort of pet," the Akatsuki leader taunted.

"I'd have to say it's more shameful to have a student who's resorted to murder and heading an evil organization," Jiraiya said solemnly, dodging one of Pein's kunai. Several more blows were attempted by each, and each was met by a clanging of metal. "I'm disappointed in you."

They figured that even though he didn't show it, Jiraya was aware that he was severely outmatched. He knew those kids, as they were now, were no match for even half an Akatsuki member. He cursed himself for thinking he alone would be able to protect them if the whole Akatsuki showed up, which they had. The trap had been so obvious, they should have risked leaving more men. Jiraya was so distracted by these thoughts that he let a kunai skim his cheek and drops of crimson trickled down his face and onto the tile.

"Well, sensei, your skills seem to be equally disappointing," Konan remarked. She nodded in the direction of Chouji, who had just been knocked out by Kakuzu and was being placed next to Shikamaru and Ino against the wall.

"I can't believe you two have reduced yourself to this. What happened to the kids I used to know? The kids I raised?" Jiraya pleaded. He refused to throw anything that might harm his former students, despite knowing it was his duty to do so. Maybe if he could keep them talking, he wouldn't have to. Though he had never been a coward, for the childrens' sake he might be able to escape if he could just figure out a plan.

"They're gone," Pein said simply. He cold heartedly advanced on his former teacher, armed and tensed. Jiraya pulled out a kunai wearily.

"Your allies have been defeated," Konan added icily.

The sannin clenched his teeth and tightly shut his eyes. He knew that he could not defeat them together; he knew that the battle for the house had been lost, but he also knew that he had to keep trying; he knew he could do _something_. Completely ignoring the informally accepted rules of combat, he leapt away from Pein, over the stair railing, to guard the kids. "I'm not just going to let you kill them. I'll take all of you on before I let that happen."

The Akatsuki members, conspicuously aligned on symbols that hadn't adorned the floor a mere half hour earlier, laughed cruelly. "We're not going to kill you, sensei," the leader said. He gave another chuckle at the ludicrous notion, as if something so obscene had never been suggested of him.

Something clicked and Jiraya whirled around the circle, noting the circumference around which the few visible Akatsuki members were now standing. His ninja training kicking in once again, he attempted to jump out of the way of the circle, prepared to fight even on his own, but a zombie-like hand exploded from the ground and grasped his ankle.

In the few seconds that followed, the hand signals the Akatsuki members were simultaneously performing had conjured up a genuine cyclone that whipped through the ring. Because the fighting had already thrust the house into a chaotic turmoil, the mess was only amplified and strewn about by the miniature tornado, dislodging kunai, shuriken, and various knickknacks that had been embedded in the walls and floor.

Pein looked up, his ringed eyes glowing as the red lightning began to crackle around the twister. "AKUMA KAWARI YOCHI YUSOUKI NO JUTSU!" echoed a voice, accentuated by the power of the jutsu surrounding the Konoha ninja.

The hand holding down Jiraiya's ankle disappeared as the lightning intensified. Jiraiya started to get up, but was reluctant to touch the swirling helical cords of red electricity. The cords spun in closer around them and crackled menacingly. They twisted closer and closer, drawn by a sinister, other-worldly magnetism, until they were all but touching the Konoha ninja. Then a loud crack zapped them away to their own dimension.

xXx

Itachi entered the living room, briefly listening to the animated conversations between his own teammates and the girls as they recounted the battles and their own successes.

"Leader," Itachi said curtly with an air of seriousness that made the conversations come to a screeching halt. "Did you send Kisame and Eva on a separate mission?"

Pein shook his head. "I did not. Is there a problem?"

"Other than their lack of presence, no," Itachi said dully, if not sarcastically.

"Wait…they're gone?" Hidan said, just to clarify.

"That is what 'lack of presence' means," Claire pointed out.

Itachi explained that he had looked rather carefully around the perimeter of the house before going inside, and was certain they were not around. He brought up the grave possibility that the two had been caught in the jutsu and were now stuck facing the Konoha ninja in their disabled state.

Deidara fell back on the couch. "I don't care. The losers are on their own, un. I don't want to play 'kidnap' anymore."

"I agree with him for once," Kakuzu muttered and sat down as well.

There were more mumbles of agreement.

Pein rubbed his forehead, seriously irked by the new set of problems that had been presented to him. After all that, all the planning and scheming and fighting, two of their team members were missing. Then he realized that at the moment, he really didn't care. He stared at his subordinates sitting on the couch somewhat sympathetically. At the same time, he recognized that if something really _had_ happened to Eva or Kisame that they would, eventually, have to look for them.

"Doesn't one of them have a phone or a walkie-talkie?" Charli inquired.

"Probably," Zetsu answered.

Charli searched her pockets for her phone. It wasn't there. Then she scanned the counter where she had last taken it out, when Shikamaru…had taken her phone…and put it in his pocket... "BALLSACK!" Charli cursed. "That motherfucking Konoha ninja! I'm going to kick him in the nuts if I see him again!"

Pein stared at her strangely. "Charlotte, language," he scolded.

"Shut up, that bastard took my goddamn phone! It was a blackberry!" she paced the room angrily.

"Just use the house phone," Leah suggested.

Charli grumbled and reminded Leah that the house phone always seemed to be absent. However the girl dialed Eva's number on the phone's base and a ringing from the speaker resonated throughout the room.

'_Hello?'_ Eva's voice said cheerily.

Relief briefly replaced the anger at her stolen phone at hearing Eva's voice. "Thank God you're okay. Where are you guys?"

'_Well we figured we would be useless and get in the way a lot so we went to Starbucks and now we have coffee. Coffee is good. How'd the fight go?'_

Charli felt her eye twitch. "I hate you." She hung up.

"What the hell…." Deidara drawled. "We just spent that whole time going through a battle royale to get this house back for you people for god knows what reason and those two just waltz off to get coffee?!"

"Coffee does sound good, actually. The fighting is done. Why not?" Leah replied.

Deidara dragged his hand over his face. "Still!"

"I kind of want coffee too," Konan added. "Leader, shall we join Eva and Kisame at Starbucks?"

Pein shrugged. "Why not? Just put on some different clothes and we can go."

With that statement, most of the Akatsuki members went off to get changed with the exception of Hidan, who was still cleaning his injury because he was being respectful for once and didn't want to bleed everywhere. Deidara still appeared to be in shock from his comrades' casual manner, and stood glued to the spot.

Claire held up a hand, apparently sharing the artist's concern. "Wait a minute. We're just going to leave? Just like that? What if they come back? This whole fiasco would start all over again!" Charli too, held this sentiment.

"Didn't I already explain this?" the Akatsuki leader said, sounding a little surprised. "I put a jutsu on the house. Only people with the Akatsuki rings can use the jutsu to get in and out of the house," he explained. "Meaning that the Konoha ninja can't get back here if they tried."

"Couldn't they just teleport down the street or something?" Charli pointed out.

"I've got it all taken care of. Don't worry," Pein said. "Speaking of the jutsu, I have something for you girls." He reached into his pant pocket and they heard little metallic clicks, presumably from kunai and other ninja weaponry, and he pulled out a little draw string bag.

He shook the contents of the bag into his hand and the girls saw four shiny metal rings that were very similar to those worn by their friends. "We decided we were going to have these made for you while you were out on missions."

Hidan, who had finished attending to himself and had gotten up, snatched one of the rings and ran to Claire. He got down on one knee and proudly displayed the ring in his open palm. "Claire, my dear, please accept this ring as a token of my love and marry me!" he said hopefully.

Claire plucked the ring from Hidan's palm, being careful not to touch the crazy Jashinist. A deep purple gem was embedding in the silver loop, displaying an elegantly written kanji within the jewel that she could not read. Nevertheless, it was pretty. "What does it mean?" she asked.

"'Buddhist nun'. There isn't a kanji for 'bitch' so this was the next best thing. It's pronounced the same," Hidan explained with a stupid grin.

Claire kicked him but put on the ring anyways.

Leader handed a ring to Leah after he was done giving Hidan an incredulous glare.

Leah thanked him. She laughed nervously, "I'm afraid to ask what mine says."

"'Chicken'. Because you are one. Also, I like chickens," Deidara said.

Leah laughed appreciatively. "Very true. And chickens are adorable and delicious so I very much approve. Thank you again, Leader."

"You're welcome," he turned to where he'd last seen Charli, but she wasn't there. Then he noticed her in the kitchen getting a glass of milk. "Charli," he addressed.

"What do you want?" she asked, sipping her drink.

He held out a ring to her and her eyes widened. "Really? Why am I getting one? Don't you hate me or something? I like it and all, but this is unexpected."

Pein slid the cool, powder pink ring on the girl's right thumb since that was the only place it could be without falling off. "You'll grow into the ring eventually, but I insist that none of you girls remove them. And Charli, before you ask, you're says—"

"'Demon'. I know. I had to look it up when I was reading one of Jiraiya's journals. Personally I think it's one of the prettier ones. Thank you Pein, you're awesome and I love you," she rose up on her toes and gave him a hug around her neck and he, in turn, gave her a light pat on the back.

Fortunately, no one but Deidara, Hidan, Leah, and Claire were witness to this sudden, somewhat uncharacteristic, display of affection from the Akatsuki leader and the miniature evil genius. After Hidan's constant marriage proposals to Claire and Deidara's slightly overprotective love for Leah, neither of them was in a position to tease him, so they just went off to get changed.

"Leader," Leah said, rubbing the back of her neck. "I know that this is going to sound a little awkward but I feel like I should thank you for all that you've done for us. I mean, you didn't really have to do any of this so…yeah, thanks. I wish there was something we could do to make it up to you."

"Your eternal servitude will suffice," Pein answered jokingly.

"Oh, by the way, what does Eva's ring say?" Claire asked.

Pein smiled. "'Idiot.'"

XxX

They spent the next hour in the plaza just next to Starbucks, enjoying their coffee and the treats they had bought for themselves. It was surprising how quickly everything had gone back to their sense of 'normal'. It was almost as if the entire situation with Konoha had been forgotten; it wasn't, but it was too much to think about at one time. So much had happened over the past two weeks. The Konoha ninja had figured out their association with the Akatsuki, and Eva, Leah, and Claire were kidnapped and they met the Hokage and all the heroes of Konoha and went to a festivals with said ninja and then were kidnapped by Sasuke and then stole Karin's glasses and braided Juugo's hair and then Claire and Eva were taken by Suigetsu back to Konoha and Leah was left alone with Sasuke and everyone was emo until the Akatsuki came and rescued them and then Hidan accidently kissed Claire and Eva and Kisame were handcuffed together and then they went on missions and Eva was mentally scarred, Leah got amnesia and somehow started dating Deidara, and Claire rejected Hidan a total of seventy-four times and after the missions they went to an onsen it was awkward but they succeeded in planning the mission that was executed only hours ago.

However, none of them could really seem to dwell on that at the moment, for more drama awaited them when they arrived back at the house.

Jason threw a sponge at Hidan's head. "CLEAN!"

Hidan viciously ripped the bright yellow sponge in half and shoved it in his mouth. "NO!"

He declared as loudly as he could with his mouth being full.

Jason blinked, several times. "You just ate Spongebob."

"Aww, tartar sauce," Kisame said, snapping his fingers.

Pein briefly wondered if that impact of the sponge had caused another metaphorical gear in Hidan's head to break. It was likely. He turned his attention to Jason. "I'll have them fix it."

Jason seemed to accept this and apologized to Hidan.

Hidan swallowed the sponge. "It's cool," he growled, sounding more lukewarm than cool.

"As a doctor, I'd have to say that probably wasn't wise," Jason said slowly.

Hidan shrugged.

Jenny and Nicole ran into the entryway, having heard the Akatsuki reenter the house and escaping their closet prison. "Okay, dudes, what, like, just happened?" Jenny asked.

"Pilot for a new MTV prank show. It catches on camera what a real life reaction to a movie-type scene would be; we volunteered this house for filming. It's doubtful it'll ever get on TV though," Kisame said simply.

"Ohhhh!" Nicole said. "Now everything makes sense."

Jenny too accepted this answer. "Oh, Jason, Rachel called while we were hiding. Apparently she took Tracey to the vet today and she's pregnant! Isn't that great Jason? Now we're going to have Tracey-puppies!"

"Really?! Maybe one of them could eat Durham!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"I want one!" Tobi said. He grabbed Leader's arm. "I _really _want a puppy!"

Leah glanced around. "Speaking of the Durham, where is the little bastard?"

"Maybe he accidently got transported to Konoha," Deidara whispered, vaguely remembering the dog's barking during the fight. He hadn't been seen or heard of since then, and it was unlikely that _he_ had gone to Starbucks.

Jason shrugged. "He'll show up. Unfortunately. Evil things have a tendency to never die."

"Oh by the way," Hidan said suddenly. "Where are our goddamn presents?"

Eva raised an eyebrow in confusion and tilted her head. "What?"

"You promised us Christmas presents, what, two weeks ago? That's the whole reason I came here in the first place. I want my goddamn present," he paused. "Better yet, you don't have to give me one if Claire marries me."

"No."

"Damn."

Eva smiled and started to pull Kisame into the kitchen. "We should make a nice dinner since we didn't really get to have a proper Christmas."

Leah, Claire, Charli, and Jason went off to gather the Christmas presents they had gotten for the criminal organization, hoping they were all still intact after all the mayhem that had occurred at the house.

"Even though they're all idiots," Kakuzu began as the Californians left the group to the desolate room with the substantially damaged, but somehow still vertical Christmas tree, "I kind of like them."

"Me too," Zetsu added. Eerily, his black half smiled in agreement.

Pein and Konan glanced at each other. They too were sharing in this contagious and rare smile fest. "As weird as they are," Konan said, "I think they give us an unusual sense of family."

They looked around the room, where the other members, unaware of this warm little conversation, were beginning to pick up. Several months ago, it would have been unimaginable that they would…well, in any way it was unimaginable, starting with the fact that they now had _friends_ outside of the organization. Not that friendships were common within the Akatsuki, but now they all shared a mutual liking (or at least a tolerance) for these three girls and their family. Because now, as Konan had said, they were family.

xXx

Eva stood in the kitchen, her belt against the counter as she tapped her fingernails next to the recipe she was staring at, which was sitting on the counter to the left of the refrigerator. "Kisame? Do we have butter?"

"Uhh...yes," he replied, after the sucking sound of the plastic door being opened came and went.

"Do we have...uh...cheese?"

"Didn't you just go to the store a few days ago? Why wouldn't we?"

"Jason," he replied.

"Good point." Nevertheless, she spun around him and over to the refrigerator and stared blankly at the closed door for a few seconds. "Okay good, he didn't eat it all. And milk, too." She spun across him and back over to the counter to stare at the recipe again. "Oh! Right. Flour!"

"You seem distracted," Kisame probed. "Even for you. What's up?"

She smiled internally at his attentiveness but kept her face neutral. "Eh. Just wondering how often you guys are going to be around after we get the handcuffs off and now that we're done with the whole Konoha thing." She got the flour down from the cabinet with her baking things above her and started measuring out the amount that needed to go in the mixing bowl.

"Who knows? We'll stop by when we get bored or need a break from missions or something. We get vacations occasionally."

She added the other dry ingredients. That had been about what she'd expected, but she kept her disappointment a secret as well. "Hmm. Yeah. I guess."

He didn't seem to pick up on it. "What're you making?" He looked out of the corner of his eye at the recipe, which he had ignored until this point.

A huge, malicious grin spread across her face. "Biscuits."

"Biscuits?" He seemed dubious. "Really? That's the amazing side dish you had planned?"

"Do not doubt the awesomeness of my biscuits. They can't be matched. When I was younger, and lived with my mom, people in the neighborhood would _commission _me to make biscuits."

He laughed. "Well now my expectations are high. If those biscuits are bad I don't think I'll be able to forgive you."

"Oh they'll be good. I promise. I don't even feel pressured since you said that. Not at all." Her grip on the wooden stick she was using to stir together the powdery mix tightened. She put the wet ingredients (retrieved from the refrigerator) in a smaller bowl and mixed the two together, eyes flickering back and forth.

He observed with a smirk. "Not at all?"

"Nope. Not a bit. See?" Eva grabbed a fist-full of flour, and threw it in Kisame's general direction. The blue shark man had his eyes closed and coughed out a cloud of white dust. "I'm so _not_ stressed that I threw flour at you. Flour I would need for a...uh...new batch thing...if...." she had to stop, her eyes growing wide. Kisame had a rather evil, amused look on his face.

"You know not what you have done."

"Uh...uh..."

Kisame started walking forward, with her retreating as fast as she could due to their anchorage, deliberately heading towards the flour on her left. Eva realized this and thrust her hand backwards to grab it. They got there at the same time because she was closer, but he easily took it out of her grasp. "Okay, now...Kisame?" she began hesitantly, tip-toeing backwards slowly, until she was as far as the handcuffs would allow, lest she dislocate her shoulder. "Please keep in mind that I'm useless and not a ninja and not very old and rather small."

"Oh, I know. I haven't forgotten that. That's what's going to make this so entertaining."

He kept advancing, and she squeaked. "Kisame!"

The blue monster closed his hand, moved it over Eva's hand, and turned it upside down, all in one fluid motion. It coated her front, piling up in the wrinkles on her shirt and the top of her head and practically plastering over her face. This, fortunately, jogged her memory. Now armed with the knowledge that flour couldn't actually injure her, she walked closer to him, giving him a giant hug so he had a near-equal amount of flour coating him. While he frowned at her, she grabbed an egg from the counter and cracked it on the counter.

"Eva..."

She smiled.

"Be reasonable. Again, you're forgetting who you're trying to have a food-fight with, aren't you?"

"Oh I know exactly what I'm doing." She giggled, and then opened the egg with the same hand she thrust her hand forward. The slimy, raw liquid ran down the front of his face.

Eva's nervous-excited giggling tumbled into full-on laughter, and was only amplified when she suddenly had two raw eggs smeared on her. There was then milk, and salt, and sugar, and cinnamon, and pretty much everything within their reach.

XxX

So it turned out dinner included no biscuits, as Kisame and Eva had used up the entire supply of anything biscuit related with their immature squabble. They sat at the table, occasionally giggling when they found a stripe of white goo smeared on the other's neck, attempting to look solemn when Jason caught their eyes. He was a bit irked that his house had been hurricane'd and food-fight'd in the same day. But other than his initial confrontation with Hidan, he had said nothing and assumed the messes would be cleaned up eventually.

The real reason for his silence was actually the feast that had been prepared. Leah and Claire, notified to the commotion in the kitchen, had taken over dinner while Eva and Kisame cleaned up. When she had returned, the four of them had worked together to produce some store bought rolls, under an insulating cloth napkin, two oven-cooked chickens, a large bowl of creamy mashed potatoes, and various other baked goods. The Akatsuki and other residents of the house (Jason having invited Rachel, seeing as her sisters were already present) slowly filtered into the dining room.

The atmosphere was as relaxed and animated as if Konoha had never happened. Everyone was in the good humor of Christmas spirit, even forgetting to a point that it was already a good chunk of the way into the New Year. There was no more flinging of food (even Hidan was safe from Claire, as there were no pancake-like projectiles with which she could answer his marriage proposals), but a casual discussion of resolutions and a few anecdotes. Kisame tried once or twice to tell the Tale of the Red Socks to no avail, and then loudly announced that he had given up and no one would ever be able to know the secret, no matter how hard they pleaded. This was met with laughter by the few who were paying attention (who were indeed few.)

After dinner they piled a stack nearly to the ceiling of dishes on the counter and in the sink, deciding to leave it to the members of the cleaning spree that would commence the next day. They then crowded into the living room, some of them sitting on the steps, many on the floor, a few on the skewed couches, all after clearing away the debris that had accumulated during the eradication jutsu.

Rachel started a fire in the fire place and put on some soft Christmas music to set the mood while the girls dug into the large pile of shiny wrapped presents under the decrepit tree. They passed them out to their respective recipients, occasionally arguing about which one went to which and wondering why they hadn't bothered to add labels. After slapping a few prematurely excited hands away from a sparkly bow or taped end, everyone had their gifts.

"Most of the gifts were Leah's idea," Claire said, fidgeting. "Me and Eva suck at coming up with gift ideas."

"Some of them are kind of retarded too," Leah added.

Itachi looked particularly bewildered as to his gift. "I can't read it," he admitted, holding up a small box to the light.

Eva giggled, "They're vision correcting contacts. And they're colored so you don't have to wear glasses all the time. We thought the blue would look nice with your hair."

"And the DaVinci code. I heard it was about conspiracies, so we figured you'd appreciate it," Claire said.

Whatever response the Uchiha might have added was cut off by roars of laughter from Kisame. Everyone looked at him to see him holding up a pair of red socks. "I'm still not telling you guys the story," he grinned.

"But we care so much!" Claire pleaded sarcastically. He scowled but pulled off his shoes to exchange his white socks for the red ones, wiggling his large toes happily. Despite the darkness of the room, lit only by the Christmas tree's lights, a few candles, and the fire, he was wearing a pair of expensive sunglasses the girls had also gotten him, for lack of a better gift idea. Eva blushed a little, thinking he looked particularly dashing.

"Yay! Tobi got a DS and a Pokemon game!" the excited ninja hugged the nearest person, who happened to be Hidan. Hidan growled and pushed him off as he pulled the last bit of paper off his gift to reveal a plain white box. He lifted the lid cautiously to look inside and immediately groaned.

"This is a fucking joke, right?" he complained, holding it up. Inside was a beautifully bedazzled silver butterfly hair clip.

"I think I got yours, Hidan," Konan volunteered, holding up Grand Theft Auto 4.

"Uhh, yeah," Leah said, quickly getting up to switch the gifts. "I think it rated second or something on the most violent video games. You get to run over old ladies and stuff."

The immortal smirked. "That's more like it." Konan exchanged the flower in her hair for the butterfly and examined her other gift, a tiny piece of plastic she would have mistaken as a scrap if it hadn't been inside a box labeled "iPod Shuffle". Hidan was flipping through his other gift, a book from ThinkGeek called "The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You".

Pein, meanwhile, had extracted from a mess of cherubic angels a Blackberry phone, which Charli was eyeing enviously. Deidara was off in his own little world, isolated by some Bose sound-cancelling headphones and playing with a glob of green Play Doh.

"I'm happy," announced Kakuzu, flipping through a large stack of money. They had purposefully exchanged his gift for all ones so it would fill up a decently sized suitcase and appear to be more than it was. Buying presents for 9 Akatsuki members and their families had set them back a bit.

Zetsu's gift had been the cheapest, yet the girls felt it would probably be the best enjoyed. As he flipped through the seed packages of several exotic plants, he was grinning peacefully, unaware that the rest of his gift was not inside the house. "Zetsu," Eva said. He looked up. "We also decided to donate our garden to you. We figured you would take better care of it than we could anyway."

"Thank you," he said simply. Although it was nothing like an ecstatic scream or a bone-crushing hug, the girls knew he meant that sincerely, and despite the corniness of some of their gifts, were filled with a sense of warmth as they watched the dangerous criminals excitedly fawn over their presents.

"This was a very nice gesture, girls, thank you," Pein reiterated.

There was an awkward chorus of gratitude from the others, and the girls couldn't help but be reminded of a class of kindergarteners thanking their teacher for snack time, or something similarly childish.

Hidan picked his way through the mess of wrapping paper and piled knickknacks to Claire, who crossed her arms and sighed. "Don't steal Christmas."

"Fucking pagan holiday," he dismissed. "Now look, a man can DIE from a broken heart! So you can't say no again."

"Hidan, that's just a picture of a heart. The caption says 'arrhythmias'," Claire pointed out dully.

He snapped the book shut. "I don't care. Marry me."

Claire assumed a dopey, gleeful face. "Okay, sure!"

"YES!" the Jashinist roared, throwing his hands in the air triumphantly and calling everyone's attention to himself.

The girl stared after him as he jumped around the room. "Wait, no—this is the part where you say 'Really?' and I say 'No!', you can't do that!"

"Too late, you already said yes!"

"Fuck you, you know I would never say yes!"

"But you did!"

"I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING MARRY YOU."

"SHE SAID YE-ES, SHE SAID YE-ES!"

Leah and Eva were laughing hysterically, along with Charli, Jenny, and Nicole, despite the fact that they probably had no idea what was going on. Sitting among their friends, watching as Claire now attempted to impale the jovial Hidan with a fire poker, they didn't really care that their house was in shambles. They didn't care that their vacation had been one long kidnapping, albeit under different supervision. It didn't occur to them that they'd spent the last two weeks in an alternate universe under circumstances that might have driven normal people crazy. They were among their friends, and life was good.

"Hey Eva, I just thought of something."

"Hmm?"

Leah smiled as she surveyed the scene before her. "When are we going to die?"

xXx

Tsunade stared at her door. Her eyes flicked to the window, then the wall, unwilling to settle on the mountain of papers that were piled on her desk. She spotted the picture on the wall and decided to focus on that for a little while. It was a pond painted on sheets of bamboo. The water was surrounded by dry brushed green plants, which complemented the frog next to the fisherman nicely.

She frowned, eyes fixed on the small amphibian. Dammit. Frogs. Frogs reminded her of Jiraiya. Groaning loudly, she thrust her arms out onto the desk, dislodging several stacks of folders as she did so. She didn't care though, fuck the papers, there were bigger matters at hand.

The news she had received yesterday from the shamed Jiraiya had probably prompted most of the paperwork in the first place. Or maybe it was just built up from all the times she had procrastinated on it. Tsunade couldn't remember, and she grimaced as the thought briefly crossed her mind that maybe she should listen to Shizune once in a while.

As if the fates had been spying on her, a knock at her door brought Shizune into the room. Tsunade quickly struggled to organize the crumpled stacks, though there were enough on the floor to discredit her efforts entirely. She sighed again. "Good morning, Shizune."

"Nice to see you working, Tsunade-sama," the girl said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, well, what brings you here to disturb my work?"

Shizune straightened up noticeably, clutching a small piece of paper in her hands. "This note was discovered by one of the guards at the gate today." Without further explanation, she handed said note to her superior, who quizzically took it in her long-nailed fingers.

_Dear Konoha,_

_ You'll probably have figured out—at least by the end of this note—who this is, so we won't bother introducing ourselves. _

As they had predicted, Tsunade already had a hunch.

_We know you probably hate us, but we feel obligated to explain our situation to you, seeing as there are some things you may have overlooked._

"Surprise me," the hokage muttered under her breath.

_ We know the Akatsuki are murders. We know they do terrible things and kill people and do irrational things like try to take over the world. We know that. But they're our friends. If it makes any difference, we had considered you to be our friends too, for a little while at least. Just because we associate with them doesn't mean we're evil as well. It doesn't justify you to attack us. It doesn't give you the right to come into our home and threaten our loved ones, or to kidnap us. _

_ We know you probably think it does, and can understand why. Going by your rules, you did the right thing. But when you come to our world, you have to go by our rules. _

There were dots of ink and scribbles here, as if the person or persons writing it had hesitated or disagreed on what to say next.

_Here's what we propose: you operate however you want in your world. We feel that's how it should be. But our world is off-limits to fighting. We aren't harboring them here as fugitives. Think about it this way—what could we do about them, even if we wanted to? You know we have no significant strength in any field. Even your ninja couldn't beat them._

Tsunade winced and tensed up, but kept reading.

_What else could we do but befriend them? This isn't to say we don't enjoy their company—we do. Even if you think they're evil, we still like them. Even the worst people can be nice to their friends. Just think about that._

In the bottom right corner of the page were three poorly drawn kanji. She squinted at them and held the paper closer to her eyes. The first one was…'Chicken'? The second was 'Idiot'…well, whatever. The third……Buddhist nun. Tsunade frowned. "Shizune."

Shizune, who had been staring out the window, snapped to attention. "Yes, Tsunade-sama?"

"What do you make of this?"

The girl hesitated and looked down at her toes briefly. "I think it's a declaration of neutrality. Informally, of course."

Tsunade leaned back in her chair and she too gazed out of the window. It was a warm day, but not hot. The tops of the buildings sparkled in the sun, and cries of children playing in the street rose to her ears as they kicked up the dust of the roads. She watched the birds fly by the tops of the trees, standing out against the cloudless aqua sky. "Me too," she said.

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

**Claire: I'm not sobbing like a moron this time.**

**Cuz I know something you don't ha ha ha ha ha haaaa :P And you won't correctly guess what it is, so don't try.**

**I love you guys so much though. I love all of you that have stuck with this story through the three years it's taken us to finish, especially with our excruciatingly slow pace. You're terrific, all of you. Thank you so much, we'd never have done it without you. If you were on dA, I'd donate you all a bunch of llamas. **

**Speaking of dA, I made a picture. It's quite lame, but you could check it out if you wanted to LAUGH AT MY FAIL. :D See our profile for a link.**

**I love you all again hearts and hearts and hearts!**

**Leah: This story has been a great and wonderfully fun project for all of us. It has provided us with lots of laughs and inside jokes. **

**Readers, I adore you. Thank you for all the support and reviews over the years. You're all amazing and I hope when/if we post more in the future, that you'll continue to be awesome.**

**Lots of love! –makes heart shape with hands-**


	23. Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: I BET YOU THOUGHT WE WEREN'T GONNA HAVE ANOTHER CHAPTER! WELL HERE IT IS IN ALL ITS SHINING GLORY! CAN YOU TELL IT'S 2:30 AM? WHEEEEEEE!**

**Claire: Umm I think they all actually noticed that we hadn't marked the story as "Complete" soooo maybe? Anyway, this is an Epilogue, not a chapter. So officially, I don't feel bad for making you wait…-gulp- four months for it. (Unofficially I feel terrible, as always). But there's a little surprise to look forward to at the end! So without further nonsense, we present…**

Epilogue:

Claire stared at the mirror. She was about to move, but then she decided to stare a little more, lest she disturb the seamstress who was working on the hem of her dress and end up a porcupine. "It's not working," she stated flatly. With a sigh she reached up and clawed the wilting plastic flower from her hair. Her mirror-staring had been a side-effect of its amazingly slow progress towards the ground, and she had finally decided to shorten the process by several years.

Leah sighed and walked over to her, combing her fingers through Claire's hair patiently. She tried to reaffix the little white blossom, but struggled with the knots that had formed. A knock on the door interrupted her failing efforts. "Hey, you guys are going to be late. There's a wedding, remember?" Eva said cheerily. Kisame, standing next to her in the doorway (not by choice, of course, but through their unfortunate joining of joints), smoothed out a few wrinkles in his suit new white suit and straightened his red tie awkwardly with one hand.

Claire turned around to look at him. "You're wearing a white suit?" she queried skeptically.

"Yep."

"And a red tie?"

"Yep. It's the dress code. I have to wear this if I'm going to stand next to Eva. Oh, I'm also wearing the red socks you guys got me for Chris—"

"Dude!"

The shark man blinked at her sudden flustered appearance. "What?"

"You're blue! And you're wearing a red tie, and a white suit. You look like the freaking Fourth of July. Aughh." She slammed her head down onto the table, her red hair pooling over the shoulders of the wedding dress. The seamstress at her feet frowned, pulling out a few stitches of the elaborate lace décor she had been fixing. If Claire hadn't been sulking, she might have noticed how nice she looked in her silvery, beaded dress.

Eva looked at Kisame carefully and giggled. "It's true, you know. Oh!" she exclaimed, turning to Claire. "I saw Hidan. He looks really nice. And he's wearing a shirt, just so you know."

"I don't care. Why should I care?"

"It's a wedding, silly. People are supposed to look pretty."

Claire huffed and gestured to the frizzy clump she had left after pulling out the hair ornament.

"Eva, go get Jenny or Nicole. Or both. We're having hair problems," Leah said.

Kisame blinked as Eva nodded and led him from the room. "Hey, can you explain the Fourth of July reference…?"

"I can't believe this is happening," Claire muttered, staring at the mirror once again as Leah resumed her futile task. "I feel like…like…" Words seem to fail her.

"Like you're getting married?" Leah supplied helpfully.

"Yeah," Claire admitted. She sighed again. "I guess it was just inevitable. After all, I'm the only one that can do this."

"I think it's great. You're really helping out," said Leah with a small shrug.

"I feel really awkward wearing this dress. I just keep thinking 'The person wearing this dress is getting married. Today. To _him_.'"

"Just get over yourself, Claire. It'll be fine."

"O-M-G, we heard there was an emergency!" squealed a voice at a significantly unpleasant pitch.

Claire did not bother to hide her disdain for Nicole as she scowled into the mirror. "Uhh, not really. I just can't get the stupid flower to stay in my hair."

"Oh wow, she looks so pretty! Doesn't she look pretty, Nicole?" Jenny shrieked. Even the seamstress was cringing from the pitch of her voice. Claire heard her curse when she accidentally stuck herself with the needle.

"Can you stand up please?" she murmured politely.

Claire obliged and closed her eyes, imagining she could pair who, combined, probably had the intelligence of an eraser. "Will you just fix my stupid hair?"

"Don't you think you should worry about that after you change?"

This time Claire smiled with relief at who she saw in the mirror. "Rachel. Thank god, I can change."

"Thank you for doing this. I knew Linda would get here before me, and you're the only one who's my size," the bride nodded to the seamstress knowingly.

"Sure," Claire said.

Linda stood up, tucking the needle into a pin cushion on her wrist. "I'm all done. You can go get changed now."

Claire nodded gratefully and picked up her silky red bridesmaid dress on the way to the bathroom, careful not to trip.

Rachel took her place when she returned, and Nicole quickly sought to remedy the situation for which she had been called. She expertly pinned the faux bloom onto Claire's hair in a matter of seconds, giving a Claire a small hug when she was done. "There!" she said cheerfully.

"Thanks," the other girl managed to force out through gritted teeth, frozen in place from the unwanted contact.

"Don't worry, you're standing next to Leah, remember?" Rachel whispered, giving Claire an encouraging smile. "Shall we go, ladies?" she said aloud. "And Kisame," she added, gesturing awkwardly to the patriotic ninja.

Jenny and Nicole looked towards each other and squealed. "Rachel's getting MARRIED!"

XxX

"Wow…Look at all those people!" muttered Samantha, sneaking a look through the door to the people wedged into the pews of the church like sardines. Charli glanced at her cousin, who appeared to be related to her only from the neck up; even then, her blonde curls, lovingly hair-sprayed to perfection by Charli, Leah, and Jason's stepmother contrasted Charli's plain, straight locks. Their attire was different too. Although both girls' outfits were made of the same silk as the bridesmaids' dresses, Charli had insisted on wearing pants after all. She had, however, consented to the embellishment of the sleeves, so they were wavy and delicate like the ones on Samantha's otherwise poofy dress.

"Yeah," Charli muttered disinterestedly. "It's a big wedding." Behind them on either side of the hall stood the long line of bridesmaids and on the other side a congruent number of groomsmen. Charli pulled her new phone out of her pocket and checked the time. Immediately after she put it away, the organ started playing "Here Comes the Bride". Charli picked up her basket of rose petals, and Samantha hurried to do the same. The door was opened for them, and just as they prepared to take their first steps down the aisle, Charli whispered to Sam, "Remember, just…do what I do."

There was a chorus of "Aww"s from the crowd on both sides. Charli clenched her jaw into a devious smile and tossed flowers petals into their laps. Sam followed suit predictably.

When they reached the third row from the front, Charli heard a particularly loud "D'awww, what adorable little cherubs they are," from the stands. Unconcerned about appearances, Charli scowled and attempted to smash a particularly large handful into Pein's orange hair (which he dodged, of course, but sent her a glare anyway). Samantha did the same to an elderly gentleman reminiscent of a turtle on her side, but he didn't dodge. Both of the girls giggled.

She and Sam took their spots on the opposite sides of the podium and were able to watch as the bridesmaids and groomsmen approached. As Kisame had said, all the men were clad in white suits with red ties, and the girls in simple but brilliantly colored red dresses. The couples split once they reached the stairs, taking their pre-arranged places. A girl Charli didn't recognize was Rachel's maid of honor, and Keoni, Jason's best friend since elementary school, was of course the best man.

Jason ruffled Charli's hair, apparently unsure what else to do with his energy now that Rachel was approaching, led by the revered, yet oblivious Roger. His grin was wider than hers as she kissed his cheek and took Jason's hands at the altar.

"They look really nice together," Konan whispered nonspecifically to her fellow Akatsuki members, who were all seated in the row beside her. "Kisame looks kind of uncomfortable standing with all the girls though."

"Why is he standing over there?" Tobi peeped from the edge of the row. By this time, the extraneous chatter had subsided, as the priest had begun reading

"Dumbass, he's handcuffed to the dumbass, un." Deidara remarked impatiently.

"Um…no he isn't…"

Kakuzu, irritated by the unnecessary chatter of his comrades, and with the intent to shut them up, pointed vigorously at the couple's wrists. "Just look, of course they ar—…Oh my god…What the—?"

As if to confirm the absurdity of that which Kakuzu had just observed, Kisame scratched his nose with his right hand. Neither he, nor Eva seemed to notice this for what it was. They were both respectfully watching the wedding.

"H-hey! Kisame! Kisameeeeeee," hissed Deidara, drawing disapproving glances from Jason's family members. "Mind your own business, ya old bat," he said to one of them, who 'Hrmpf'ed and turned around superciliously. "Kisame!"

"Deidara," said Itachi icily, "Be quiet."

"But I'm trying to tell him—"

"_It can wait._"

"Come on, he looks like a friggin' queer up there surrounded by all those hens—Do you think he hasn't realized it?"

"Deidara, shut the fuck up, seriously."

"No, _you_ shut the fuck up, un. I'm serious. Did he not realize the handcuffs are still on?"

"Hey, come on, was that out of line, Leader?"

"All of you—"

"SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP, DAMMIT, I'M TRYING TA GET MARRIED," Jason roared, rounding on them.

This did in fact achieve the desired effect. Jason straightened his tux and turned back to the priest. "Carry on, Doug."

The man cleared his throat uncomfortably while Rachel suppressed giggles. "Um, thank you."

xXx

The after-party was to be held on a boat.

A yacht, specifically.

It was a lovely yacht, white and shiny, like new. The flowery lights it had been adorned with for the occasion sparkled brightly against the pastel sky, which was beginning to turn to hues of pinks, purples, and oranges. The palm trees set on it swayed gently with the characteristic sea breeze. The wedding-goers chattered happily and giggled like college students as they dashed across the dock, taking off their shoes to dip their feet into the cotton sand for a moment.

If only because they were so used to it from their many months together, the three girls and the Akatsuki members (also Charli and the ever-present Sam) walked together in a large, colorful mob. Most of the Akatsuki members were clad in classic black suits, perhaps with varying colors of ties and shirts. As for Tobi, Kakuzu, Kisame, and Zetsu, the girls had tiredly attributed their strange appearances to them being entertainment of various sorts.

"I can't believe we're un-handcuffed," Kisame said, awed. "Did you notice?"

"No," Eva replied meekly. She had been massaging her left wrist since they had left the church thirty minutes ago.

"How did we not notice? How much time do you think we've wasted following each other around?"

"I don't know. Uggh. I can't believe I had ykou follow me around SCHOOL. How embarrassing…"

"It probably would have been fine if you hadn't told everyone something different. Body guard? TV show host? Secret agent?"

"We should celebrate your freedom. Claire, marry me."

"How about no?"

"But there's a priest here already! And we're all dressed up—did you notice I'm wearing a shirt?"

"You're still a man-whore."

"_**I'M ON A BOAT!**_" interrupted Jason from the sun deck of the yacht.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my brother," Leah gestured dramatically at the crazy blonde doctor, who, despite being sober, had already torn of his tie and wrapped it around his head.

"See Claire, he's happily mar—"

"—Shut up, Hidan! Hey, what the—PUT ME DOWN YOU FUCKING BASTARD."

Irritated by and unyielding to Claire's objections, Hidan had decided to pick up the protesting girl and carry her onto the ship.

"Where are you going?" Tobi yelled to Hidan over Claire's elevated objections.

"I'm gonna find the priest!" he retorted.

XxX

People began filling the main room of the boat, a large, pleasantly decorated room, complete with a chandelier and several pillar-and-flower basket combinations lining the sides. There was a kind of stage at one end of the room, which Rachel stepped up on, staring down at the curious guests like a judgmental god. She ignored her newly acquired husband as he stampeded through the room, shouting the lyrics to "I'm on a Boat", and waited for all of her guests to turn their attention to her. Once they had, she cleared her throat and put on a big smile. "All right, ladies! I think you know what time it is!" She held her arm in the air, fist obscured by a bundle of flowers, and gave it a suggestive shake.

The female portion of the audience squealed while the males groaned and cleared off to the sides and back of the room. The majority of the Akatsuki members took the hint and removed themselves as well, with one exception. It wasn't Konan; Konan didn't want to be involved in whatever ritual involved lots of squeaking and jumping and other such debauchery. No, the exception happened to be Tobi, who was apparently too thick to notice that the population surrounding him was clad in all dresses. He had also apparently gone deaf at the moment Rachel had referred to her audience as "ladies".

"Okay, here it goes! Put your hands up!" Arms, gloved, bare, and bejeweled shot into the air as Rachel turned, still holding the curious bouquet above her head. Tobi, confused, added his to the fray, maintaining his obliviousness to the stares and glares he was receiving from his opponents. More shrieks rang out as she counted off, three, two, one—! And the bunch of lilies was soaring through the vastly available space in the high-ceilinged room.

Silky black fingers closed around the congregation of stems, stopping their frantic spinning. The victor held up his prize, grinning beneath his swirly orange mask. "What did Tobi win?" he asked amidst whining and complaints about his gender. Rachel shrugged off the grievances made directly to her, saying "He looks so happy…Well…You know, his body language?" but did not answer his question.

The one who did came in the shape of a small girl, clad in a frilly red dress, who rose up only to Tobi's mid thigh. She tugged on his sleeve. "Mister, you're supposed to ask someone to marry you!" she said. The masked man surveyed the crowd of rapidly dispersing and greatly displeased women and saw none that struck his fancy. What did strike him was an idea.

He spun around and bent his legs, now at face level with the little girl, his hands draped over his knees, bouquet still clutched in his right hand. "What's your name, little girl?" he asked. The phrasing made those supervising the situation (namely, the other Akatsuki members and Eva, Leah, and Claire) cringe and bring their palms to their faces.

The girl, nonetheless, giggled. "My name's Sam," she replied.

"Well Sam, do _you_ want to marry me? I'm Tobi, by the way," he added as a bit of an afterthought.

"Okay!" she agreed. She took the flowers from him and put her other hand in his, and they skipped off to find the priest.

"What just happened?" Leah asked. She had a bit of a vacant smile on her face that made her look slightly horrified.

"Your cousin just got pedophiled by Tobi," Claire responded shortly.

"That's what I thought. Okay."

xXx

Keoni, much like Jason and always one to make a scene, boldly stood up on his chair and tapped his glass loudly, accidently chipping it, to quiet the guests and gain their attention.

Everyone went silent and stared at the Hawaiian man. Someone yelled at him to take off his shirt and the comment was applauded by some of the ladies but Keoni ignored it completely for he had a task to accomplish.

He cleared his throat. "Okay people, I'm going to make a best man speech because I'm the best man so I'm obligated to," a few people laughed and he smiled awkwardly since he wasn't trying to be funny. "So, I didn't write anything down because I knew that at some point I'd have to make it up as I went. I've known Jason since I was in elementary school and in some ways he's still very much like the fifth grader that I've grown to respect, love, and trust. He's always been the class clown but he's one of the most intelligent men I know," he smiled and looked at his feet, "when he isn't being a lazy little shit," he muttered and suddenly turned his attention back to the audience as if he hadn't paused. "But then, in middle school, Jason got a little competition when the ever so lovely MacElliot family moved to California and the Rachel you see before you today gave little thirteen year old Jason a run for his money. Personally, I believe it was love at first sight by the way they bickered and argued two old coots—"

Simultaneously, several heads turned towards the direction of Hidan and Claire.

"And this arguing continued until the day they graduated high school. Personally, I think Rachel won most of the battles, pushing him into a pool after Homecoming, having a man in a gorilla suit kidnap him during English, and other pranks that I cannot say in certain company. I knew it was meant to be when fate brought them back together when, despite the separation we all face when we take those final steps off of the high school campus into the real world, they unexpectedly found each other again just four years ago. And now," Keoni paused, wiping his eye dramatically, "they're getting married. Like we all knew they would…" he raised his glass. "So here's a toast that they will continue to be friends, to be in love, to keep each other entertained, and, most of all, be happy for the rest of their _hopefully_ long lives. Here's to Jason and Rachel!"

The guests all clapped respectfully as Keoni sat down. To his right, Rachel took advantage of the audience's already alert attention and stood up to take her turn. "Now, there's a reason we haven't served the food yet." There was a collective murmur among the guests due to her apprehensive expression. "As a compromise—because marriage is all about compromises—to me picking the yacht and organizing the wedding, Jason requested that he get to pick the food that was served. You all know Jason…he picked…" she hesitated before saying the name, "Fuddruckers."

The murmur was replaced with an awkward silence, a few coughs, and some not-so-carefully disguised groans. Jason stood up, tie still wrapped around his head, and yelled, "FUDDRUCKERS!" Keoni, with an apologetic look to Rachel, along with all his other groomsmen stood up and shouted the same. Rachel giggled and sat down as the boys paraded around the waiters chanting the name of the toxic restaurant.

"Hey," whispered Eva to Kisame. Despite their realization that they were no longer handcuffed together, they seemed to periodically forget and follow each other anyway, and were thus sitting together. "You'd probably know this better than I would…but…isn't that Suigetsu?"

Kisame stared at the male to whom she was pointing. He had blue-ish white hair, and when he smiled—yes—pointy, shark-like teeth. Before anyone around even know what was going on, Kisame had gotten up and taken his food with him.

_Aw_, though Eva, _He's going to go sit with his cousin. How sweet._ But unless Eva's definition of "sweet" was the thrusting of a plate of potato salad into the face, this sentiment was incorrect. "That's for what you did at Grammy's wake, you little twit," Kisame told him calmly. The girl to whom Suigetsu had been speaking shied away from him, who was dripping bits of pale mush onto his napkin.

Kisame returned to his seat as if nothing had happened, politely asking the stunned woman to his left if she would pass him another plate. Eva couldn't decide between staring at him incredulously and watching Suigetsu, whose presence still baffled her, leave. "Thou shall not ask. Eth," he stated simply.

Eva gulped and glanced around the room at the others who shared her baffled feelings. "Okay," she conceded meekly.

XxX

Leah's stepmom sat next to Itachi at the table and saved the seat next to her for Leah's dad with her purse. She turned to Itachi and smiled, "Hey! You're one of Leah's friend's, right?" she extended her hand cordially, "I'm Julie, Leah's stepmom."

Itachi shook hands with her. "Itachi," he inclined his head respectfully.

"So you're Itachi! It's so nice to meet you. Leah's said nothing but good things about you," Julie took a sip of her wine but kept her focus on the Uchiha.

"She's spoken of me?" He could not think of what Leah could say about him. He hardly talked to her.

Julie waved her hand dismissively. "Nothing bad, hon," she laughed lightly, "You really are gorgeous…I thought Leah was exaggerating when she said you're one of the most handsome people she'd met. Not to sound like a cougar or anything," she laughed again.

Itachi, who was in rather good spirits this night, offered a rare smile at her compliment. "Oh…" He did not know how to respond to compliments otherwise. Social skills were not his strong point.

"She says you're wicked smart too. What subjects do you like?"

Itachi quickly thought of a few non-ninja subjects he was good at. "Math and physics," he felt awkward being the only one answering questions and decided to ask one, "Leah says you're a fitness instructor…" Not really a question, but a topic he was slightly curious about. He wanted to get an idea of what physical training was like in this dimension.

"I am," she sipped her wine again, "been one for nearly five years. Maybe if you come to visit us when the girls move I'll let you join in a class for free," she playfully touched his arm, "though I don't think you really need it," she laughed again. "From what I can tell, you and all your friends are in great shape. You must work out a lot; maybe you could give me a few pointers."

"Julie," Leah's dad took his seat next to his wife, "Why are you hitting on the poor boy? He's half your age," he was not jealous or angry with her, just amused.

"What? Hitting on? Pshh, we were just talking," she dismissed the comment.

Itachi suddenly felt more awkward, an emotion he was most unfamiliar with. "Excuse me," he said, getting up. He planned to use the bathroom as a pretense to hide until he could think of a better way to escape the situation. On his slightly hurried way out of the room, he bumped into the small child that had been "pedophiled" by Tobi earlier. He vaguely remembered she was Leah's cousin, meaning Julie had to be her mother.

She looked up at him, her eyes round with apology. He blinked, still feeling awkward, and especially not wanting to cause a scene by making her cry. "There's a spot over there by your mother," he told her pointedly.

Sam immediately brightened, a huge smile splitting her face. "Okay, thanks mister!" She hurried off to take the seat.

_Crisis avoided_, Itachi thought with relief.

xXx

Rachel and Jason got up from their seats when most of their guests appeared to be through with dinner. There was a slight squeaking sound as a large black podium was wheeled into the room. A few moments later, it was plugged in and was playing a soft dance song. Jason offered Rachel his hand, which she took. He pulled her close to him and they started swaying back and forth to the music. There were "awws" of all sorts from the audience as she put her head on his shoulder. Everyone was respectful enough not to intrude on the moment, and kept their seats as the married couple danced.

The DJ scratched the records together and a ripping sound filled the room. Then, at full volume—

"'CAUSE EVERYTIME WE TOUCH, I GET THIS FEELING, AND EVERYTIME WE KISS, I SWEAR I COULD FLY!"

Keoni jumped from the crowd onto the dance floor, pumping his fists viciously into the air and bumping his hips from side to side as he moved towards Jason. Jason shrugged apologetically to Rachel and stepped up to Keoni, flailing in an equally wild manner, a mirror of his movements. The bride waved her hand in the air dismissively and retreated to the sidelines, crossing her arms, an amused look on her face.

An elderly woman leaned into Rachel's zone of hearing and said over the music, "Aren't you bothered, dear? Your husband is leaving you on your wedding night for another man!"

Rachel smirked at her. "No, I don't care, it's hot. Look, Jason got Keoni to take off his shirt."

It was indeed true. Keoni's tanned and muscular chest had been freed from the confines of his white shirt, and he was now waving it around in the air. Jason, with a triumphant yell, ripped off his shirt as well, possibly losing a few of the buttons in the process.

The chorus came up again and the two of them started singing the lyrics loudly and off key, running their hands over each others' naked torsos randomly and suggestively.

The girls, from their ideal vantage point at the front of the crowd, laughed and shook their heads with varying intensities, surrounded by slightly disturbed Akatsuki members. "You have a strange family," Kakuzu said to Leah.

"I know," Leah giggled.

XxX

"It's really loud upstairs," Leah remarked nervously, staring at the ceiling as she, Eva, and Claire were taking a break from the commotion of the dance, which had admittedly died down since the fiasco with Keoni and Jason, but was still frantic enough to merit departure.

"Dunno," Eva answered. "Want to go check it out?"

"Sure. Don't have anything better to do. Except be harassed by Hidan. I can't believe he thought the priest would agree to marry us when I was yelling about kicking him in the nuts," Claire said nonchalantly as they climbed the stairs.

They followed the sound of the commotion to the lounge on the upper deck just in time to hear the captain announce, "Aaaaaaallright, mateys! It's LIMBO TIMEEEEEEE. Please make your way to the second floor to participate. The winner will receive a _special prize_!"

The three girls giggled at the ridiculousness of the idea and hurried into the room where the heavy bass of the DJ's music was causing the ship to thump and rumble the hardest. An incredibly corny disco ball hung from the ceiling, and multi-colored strobe lights accompanied it from various corners of the room, occasionally falling on the long line of people who were parading one by one under a long bamboo pole.

"Explain the game again, un." They heard Deidara's distinctive dialect from somewhere to their right, and noticed the blonde artist along with a few of his fellow criminals had gathered around Tobi.

"As far as I can tell, you just walk under the pole."

"Why is that 'fun'?" Zetsu's white half inquired innocently.

"Because the pole gets lower and lower and it's a contest!" The masked man peeped happily, trotting off to join the line.

"You guys are doing the limbo?" Claire asked them incredulously.

"Apparently," replied Kakuzu, though he seemed most irked.

"_Someone told him the prize was money_," Zetsu's black half whispered to them.

"What about you, Zetsu?" Eva asked conversationally.

"I'm not participating." He clarified by moving a few inches to the right of the line.

"But even Itachi and Hidan came up here to limbo! Right guys?" Eva asked the two as they approached.

Hidan looked around, settling on Eva after a small delay, aware in the back of his mind that his name had been mentioned. "What? Where's the bitch?"

Leah and Eva turned to face the spot Claire had been occupying until the Jashinist had arrived. "_She's hiding behind the __Acanthophoenix rubra_," Zetsu offered, gesturing towards a small potted palm.

"Why, Zetsu, why? What did I ever do to you?" the girl whined, emerging from behind the plant.

"You were crushing its leaves quite cruelly."

Claire hung her head as Hidan smiled triumphantly. "Can't I just glue a piece of paper to your face that says 'no' so I can save my breath?"

"If you marry me."

"That would defeat the purpose."

"I know." His magenta eyes darted around the room, as if he had only now become aware of his surroundings. They took in the strange line of people, along with the mysterious bar they were crowding around, the flashing lights reflecting off his contemplative face. "What's going on?"

"Limbo," Itachi supplied.

"He knows everything," Hidan complained, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"It was on the loudspeaker, dumbass. How could you not have heard, the way that dork said 'speshul puhrize'," Claire emphasized the last fraction of her sentence with ridiculous hand motions and accompanying expressions. She crossed her arms and looked away from him, pleading with her eyes for Eva and Leah to come up with an excuse for them to leave. Unfortunately, the two seemed to be relishing in her displeasure. They watched the display eagerly and without oppositional interference.

"Hey," Hidan said, twitching towards the announcer's voice, "I got an idea."

"Spare me," Claire muttered.

"If I win this dumb contest, you gotta marry me."

Eva and Leah giggled. Zetsu glanced at Itachi, who blinked in his usual emotionless way.

"Fuck you."

"Come on, what are the chances I'd win? Deidara's a shrimp, he's way more likely to win than I am. And that dude over there, damn, he's like three feet tall, seriously."

"Dude," Leah said, uncharacteristically energetic, "Do it. At least to watch him fail."

"Shut up, Leah," she snapped.

"He's not going to win!" agreed Eva.

Claire looked at her suitor, who had a stupidly eager grin on his face. He nodded in the direction of her friends, as if they were the most reliable and trustworthy sources around. To be fair, they should have been, but under the circumstances, they were being unusually sadistic. Or fangirlish. It was hard to tell.

"Fine," she consented. Before the three of them could cheer though, she held up a hand. "On one condition!" They looked at her expectantly. She pushed past Eva and a few other people and took hold of her target's arm, warily, as if he may explode. "Itachi has to play too."

The befuddled Uchiha was glaring at Claire in an unusual show of emotion for several seconds before Hidan had proclaimed it a "done deal" and whisked him off to the front of the line, along with Zetsu, inexplicably.

Tobi and Deidara, who had "crossed to the other side", so to speak, spotted the three other Akatsuki members after overhearing the protests from the crowd regarding "cutting". Tobi immediately began cheering for his teammates, and Deidara, giving in to the apparently infectious jubilance of the party, joined him.

The onlookers, curious in regards to the duo's frantic cheers, assumed a sort of mob mentality and began cheering as well. Hidan had pushed Itachi in front of himself, and was dangerously egging the Uchiha on. An incredibly menacing aura of silence was accumulating around the Uchiha, something Hidan either didn't notice or chose to ignore. Zetsu attempted to back away from the line, but was blocked in by the crowd, which was achieving a higher and higher state of entropy in anticipation.

Finally, he stepped under the pole, ducking only about an inch to accommodate his height. Claire gulped, but retained her scowl. She added to it a new intensity of hatred, which she directed towards Itachi. If she ended up married to Hidan, she decided it would be his fault.

Hidan, on the other hand, was grinning as sinisterly as ever. He motioned for Zetsu to follow under the bar. This suggestion was met with a stare. This stare went unnoticed by the other inhabitants of the room, who were even more excited by this new contestant, due to his strange anterior appendages. "Come on Zetsu, it's just a silly stick. Not even a plant, it's plastic, see?" Hidan flicked the limbo bar, practically knocking it off its setting. However, his point was proven; the bamboo-like exterior was false, compared to the plastic _ting_ that had echoed off Hidan's fingernails.

Now that they knew his name, the crowd had something to chant. Hearing his name repeated en-masse seemed to degrade Zetsu's firm resolve. He sighed and leaned slightly to clear the bar, a simple feat that was met by disproportionately huge cheers.

Having bullied his two victims into performing their intended deeds, it was now the initiator's turn. He winked at Claire, eliciting childish "oohs" from the congregation and a furious blush of anger from the girl. Then he bent unnecessarily low and cleared the rod by at least four feet. He stood in a dramatic flourish and smoothed his silvery hair back, ignoring the compliments he received from bystanders.

Claire kicked the nearest wall.

xXx

A clinking of heels on the wooden floor of the deck warned him of her approach. She leaned against the railing with a sigh. For a few minutes, they just stood in silence, watching the black waves crash against the anchored boat's side, and she scratched nervously at her nail polish, chipping off large bits easily and scraping off the little ones with determined vigor. "So…are you mad?" she asked tentatively, once all the polish on her left hand was gone. She didn't dare to look at him, but she could sense how tense he was.

"Seriously?" he said after what seemed like forever.

"Well, yeah," she mumbled.

"Yeah, I'm fucking mad. You threw a freaking ostrich burger at me. A really soggy ostrich burger. What the hell did you do to that thing?"

"It's _Fuddruckers_," Claire answered, wrinkling her nose with disdain. "I didn't do anything. They probably cooked it in the grease fryers." She paused. "I'm the one who had to touch it anyway. _You_ should feel bad for _me_."

He chuckled a little at this. "What a wimp. You think that's gross? Try being elbow deep in some poor bastard's guts."

"Did that happen to you in Rome or something?"

"What the fuck? No. The asshole swallowed a coin and Kakuzu was whining like a bitch about it, so I ripped it out of him."

"Oh."

They watched the water a little more in silence. Claire relaxed some and let her mind wander off, the gentle rocking of the yacht slowly lulling her mind to sleep.

"Look," he said suddenly, shocking her out of her numbed state. She snapped her head towards him, surprised to see he looked rather flustered. "I know it's not your problem and shit, but I really need you to…you know…marry me and stuff," he finished lamely.

Claire frowned deeply, suddenly angry. "I can't stand it when people let their dumb religions dictate their lives."

"Don't insult my religion, bitch," he growled.

She rounded on him. "Well explain it to me then! Why is it so important that we get married?"

They stared at each other for a long while, intense irritation mirrored in their eyes and on their faces. "Fuck that," he muttered, turning back towards the water.

Claire scoffed. "Just tell me, you coward. I'm not saying it's going to make a difference or anything, but you might as well tell me why I'm being harassed."

He continued to scowl at the ocean as if he hadn't heard her. She thought she might be imagining his face turning redder and redder until he shocked her by swearing and kicking the railing. "Fucking dammit, FINE. Don't laugh though, seriously."

"I'll laugh if I want to laugh."

He growled again, adding his usual insult of "bitch" as if he no longer had to think about it. His face was still really red and Claire figured his hands must be hurting at least a little if he was gripping the bar that hard. She waited a few moments before clearing her throat, thinking he might have forgotten he had agreed to tell her. "Okay…you know…Jashinism is like…really serious about things."

"Uh huh…" she assented dully. That was kind of obvious.

"Your sarcasm isn't helping, so just shut up," he said. "Look, the thing is…auhh…" He shut his eyes and pushed his fingers forcefully against his temple. "K-kissing is viewed as a very personal thing."

Claire had been expecting him to say more than that, but his apparent silence dictated otherwise. He seemed to be waiting for her to react in shock or anger or something dramatic, because he was still tense. "Yeah?" she said, forgetting what he had said about sarcasm.

"That's it, okay! It's the idea that you kiss someone and…that's it! You marry them to preserve their purity! Because it's an intimate, deliberate thing!" he rambled.

"But you said it wasn't deliberate."

"It still counts."

"Why?"

Hidan shook his head with exasperated, pained disbelief. "Forget it. It wouldn't make a difference if I told you."

Normally Claire would have pursued the topic until he'd told her every detail regarding the situation, if only so she could argue him out of his conviction to marry her. But the unusual fact that he had been this open with her already held her back. That, combined with his very strange demeanor. If what he said was true, she could only suppose he'd never been in a relationship or kissed anyone before or anything. She vaguely wondered with a slight wince what that meant to him, being a _man_ and all.

She shook her head as if to say never mind to something he hadn't asked and turned around. "I'm going inside. I'm freaking freezing and these shoes are uncomfortable," she informed him distantly.

She was half-way to the door when she felt a heavy warmth descend upon her shoulders. She jumped and wheeled around again, almost falling, but was caught by Hidan. He was missing his jacket, she realized, because he had given it to her. "Even if you go inside, you're still going to be cold," he explained, not looking at her. "The venting system fucking sucks, seriously."

Claire nodded, blushing a little herself and hoping he couldn't see it in the dark. She pulled the fabric closer around her, relishing in the soft silky lining as she went back inside.

The sound of her clacking heels was replaced with the measured _thunk_ of men's dress shoes. Hidan tore his eyes away from the spot Claire had disappeared from to see Keoni, Jason's strange best man. The Hawaiian man had put his shirt back on, and his red tie was, as Jason's had been earlier, secured around his cranium. He was staring where Hidan had been moments before, a puzzled look on his face. "That's…Jason's sister's friend…right?" he questioned, turning to face Hidan with a serious expression. "She's a bitch, dude."

"I know," Hidan responded, his tone uncomfortably _longing_. That hadn't been intentional.

Nonetheless, it gave him away. "You _like_ her, don't you!"

"Nothing like that," the Jashinist corrected quickly. "I just need her to marry me."

"How long have you been going out?"

"What? No, I said—"

Keoni held up his hands. "Wait, you want this girl to marry you and you haven't even asked her out?"

Hidan blinked. "Is that bad?" Immediately after he'd uttered the words, he realized why he had been failing all along.

Keoni felt it necessary to narrate his revelation. "Look man, I don't mean to patronize you or anything, but this is Dating 101. Before you marry someone, you ask them out. Girls like being asked out. Besides, you don't want to rush into anything," he said, clapping Hidan on the shoulder bromantically as he made his exit.

He found himself staring off into space again as Keoni left him alone on this region of the ship's deck. Hidan then slowly smiled to himself, put into a good mood by his obvious yet recent discovery. Then he dashed off to execute his new plan, with a little extra jump in his step.

XxX

Claire and Leah had mysteriously disappeared, so Eva was left to her own devices. She decided after a moment of contemplation over another piece of cake (thankfully, catered separately from Fuddruckers), that these devices included going back upstairs, where the limbo party had been replaced by a regular dance-type arena. Eva did like to dance, after all.

It had gotten significantly more crowded since she had last been in the room, and Eva vaguely wondered if it was safe to make the boat so top heavy. She also wondered with slight irritation why Jason and Rachel had invited so many people to come to the after-party. She had assumed it would be a more exclusive event than the wedding, which had already had to be held in one of the largest churches in La Jolla, but it appeared that this was barely so.

In a rare moment of mental clarity, she had the idea to go to the opposite end of the room, away from all the entrances, where people would most likely not have migrated. It was human nature, or at least American nature, to be lazy, after all.

Her theory turned out to be correct, but with an unexpected twist. Getting his groove on, in the most hip of ways, was a person of a familiar shade of blue.

"Kisame!" Eva half yelled, half whined. He ceased his semi-wild movements at the sound of her voice. "No offense, but after so many weeks of being handcuffed to you, I'd kind of like to…not…see you."

Kisame shrugged, frowning. "It's not like I want to see you any more than you want to see me. Or don't, rather." He shook his head, confused slightly by his own words. "Anyway, you're the one who showed up in _my_ dancing spot!" he pointed out.

"It's less crowded over here," Eva mumbled. "Anyway, you're the 'gentleman', you should be the one to leave."

Kisame held up his hands, an act of concession, apparently unwilling to argue. "Fine with me. Just…don't come near me and I won't come near you."

They were both filled with noble intentions to keep their mutual promise, but unfortunately, this didn't happen. Shortly after Kisame departed, Eva shrugged off her less-than-chipper feelings and decided to partake in the activity she had come here for: dancing. She realized to her satisfaction that she knew and very much liked the song that was playing, and began to move in time with the music. Her steps were anything but practiced, but she managed as well as any of the other participants, if not slightly better. Despite her heels, she was able to move fairly freely across the floor, getting into the path of the strobe lights or the rays of the disco ball.

Without noticing, she had made her way to the center of the room.

And so had Kisame.

They bumped into each other violently as each practiced one last dramatic movement at the end of the song, each hurriedly uttering an apology, then an "Oh," of disappointment and realization.

"Don't say anything, just go back. I'm going too," Kisame said before Eva could complain. Also not in the mood to complain, she obeyed his command and marched back to her starting spot, convinced that this had been a fluke. She was determined not to move so far this time, so everything would be fine. She would not have to see Kisame again until the end of the party.

Except it happened again.

And again.

And again.

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" she exclaimed, thrusting her fists dramatically towards the floor. Kisame agreed, crossing his arms sourly. The people around them gave the couple angry looks for hogging space on the crowded dance floor while not dancing, so Eva grabbed the other's arm and towed him out into the hallway.

"You have to be following me! This couldn't possibly have happened four times unless you were following me," she insisted.

"Maybe you just have some innate attraction to me," Kisame countered with a sly smirk.

Eva blushed, but the blue man appeared not to notice. Nor did he notice the slight stutter when she spoke, "N-no. If I do, then you do too. There's no way a one-sided attraction could cut through _that_ crowd."

"Maybe we're just doomed to be together forever."

"I hope not," Eva lied.

Kisame's face softened, and he looked a little hurt. "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad, being stuck to me, was it? I mean, I think we managed pretty well. Except for the part where you got hurt on the mission…"

"I told you not to worry about that," she said, her voice only a few levels above a whisper. "It was my fault. I'm just glad _you_ didn't get hurt because of me."

"Still, it was my responsibility—"

"—Just stop, okay? Stop blaming yourself. No one else does. The point is, you're right, we made a good team."

He thought for a moment, apparently put at ease some by her words. "Maybe we just shouldn't stop hanging out with each other cold turkey, you know? Like, we should ease out of it."

"I agree," Eva nodded. "Would you like to link arms and skip off to find the others."

Kisame chuckled, and was reminded of why he liked Eva. "Sounds lovely."

xXx

"Why didn't anyone want to hear about the red socks? I mean, I'm not going to try to tell the story anymore, but I'm just curious," Kisame appeared to be genuinely curious, "It's like you all just zone out or get pissed off when I mention th—"

"Oh my god, Kisame, shut the fuck up about those socks!" Hidan snapped expectedly. Sure, he had planned to ask Claire out as soon as he next saw her, had planned to initiate a long-term romance that would eventually end in their marriage, but for some reason, when he had tried, words had failed him. Now he had decided to take his frustration at having become a pubescent teenager out on Kisame.

"See!" The distressed man pointed at the jacketless Jashinist. "I mentioned the socks and you got pissed off!"

"I think he's just perpetually pissed off…" Claire quipped, thinking she knew the other reasons for his more-irritable-than-normal mood.

Kisame dismissed the comment. "Deidara, you saw that right?"

The artist jerked suddenly, as if awoken from a trance, "I'm sorry, what?"

"You were right here! Hidan got mad at me when I _mentioned_ the socks! And I just proposed at theory that people zone out or get pissed off whenever the socks are mentioned!"

Deidara blinked. "I missed it, un."

"SEE! You zoned out, Hidan got pissed off! It's all coming together now!"

Deidara felt his hand being held by another. He smiled and turned to Leah, lacing their fingers together. "What brings you here?"

"I heard Kisame spazzing and I had to check it out," she shrugged. They awkwardly watched Kisame muttering and gesturing unintelligibly like a mad man. He did not seem to notice. "And I have to talk to you about something. Well, two somethings actually. It's kind of important…actually, not too important but it's nonetheless something I need to discuss with you in private. So…" She tugged on his hand.

His heart quickened its pace and he stared at the expression on her face, a peaceful smile. "Now?" He tried to remain relaxed, but he had a foreboding feeling that he was in trouble.

"Yes, now," she laughed and began to lead him out of the crowded room. Their friends glanced curiously at them when they left, but none of them bothered to say anything because Kisame was more interesting. Said blue man then made the loud proclamation: "Yes I understand, Almighty Red Socks. I will keep your secret. Yes I will." Most assumed he was either drunk of a little loopy from being handcuffed to Eva for so long. Either way, people outside the Akatsuki-and-Friends circle did not question his sock worship.

Several thoughts ran through Deidara's head, mostly of what he could have done in the past few weeks that possibly could have gotten him in trouble with Leah. Maybe it was because he was being annoying during the wedding ceremony, thus disrespecting her brother. Maybe it was because she thought he was a better artist than her. Maybe this, maybe that. No definite idea of what she needed to speak with him about. Nonetheless, he felt that he was going to get in trouble for _something_ (even though he also recognized that Leah was not the scolding/lecturing type, this fact did nothing to reassure him).

Leah led him into a small, unoccupied room on a lower level of the yacht. The room was very beige: beige walls, beige bed sheets, beige carpet, beige armchair, beige lampshade. He resisted the urge to say "ew" at the horrid interior.

Leah, however, did not resist the urge to comment on the room. "Whoa, I think they ran out of colored paint when they got to this room."

"And colored furniture," Deidara sat on the beige bed, noting how comfortable the mattress was. He told Leah this and she laughed.

"Really?" she turned and locked the door, wanting to make sure there weren't any intrusions while she spoke to him. That was the reason she hadn't talked to him earlier, every time she tried she'd get interrupted.

She sat on the bed next to him and clapped her hands together before placing them into her lap. "I'm just going to get straight to the point: why did you lie to me about what happened on the mission?" Her tone was sincere, no hint of repressed anger or anything about the subject.

Diedara pushed his bangs out of his face and stared at his knees. First course of action: fake innocence. "I…lied to you?"

"I am ninety percent sure you did. According to Tobi, I was serving as a distraction for the dude, you two messed up on your half of the mission, the dude kissed me and things got a little…um…_farther_ than intended, which is where I got the hickeys," she tapped the spot on her neck where the hickeys had once existed. "Then you two came in, killed the guy, and in the fight I got knocked out and lost some of my short term memory. Tobi told me the day after we got back…"

Thank God that Tobi's story was at least plausible and conveniently left out the fact that it was Leah who had killed the man (a fact that was rather pathetic on his and Tobi's part). "Well, I just thought it would be better if you didn't know that a total stranger did that to you…" he led off with no intention of discussing that particular topic any further. "Also I didn't want to risk triggering your memory of us killing the man. Witnessing something like that can be scarring, un."

Leah nodded, accepting this answer. "Okay, good to know," she kissed his cheek. "I just wish you told me sooner," she smiled.

He laughed, feeling relieved. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "What was the other thing you wanted to talk to me about?" he was confident that he was not in trouble so the nervousness he had before had subsided.

"Well," she smiled and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Jason and Rachel are staying downtown tonight because they have to catch a redeye flight to Fiji and it's not worth it for them to drive back, Charli is going home with Mom, and Claire and Eva are going home with their parents..." she blushed, "I was wondering if you'd possibly like to spend the night at my house."

A broad grin spread across Deidara's face. "'Spend the night', eh?" he hummed in mock thought, still smiling. "Now what could we do with the house to ourselves?" He had plenty of ideas in mind, but one seemed particularly favorable.

Leah shrugged and giggled. "Anything you want," she pressed her lips against his. "But we should probably get back to the party before we're missed."

Deidara took her hand and helped her stand up. He kissed her forehead, "I'm holding you to the 'anything you want' comment."

"Yeah, I thought so," she pulled him towards the door and unlocked it, escaping the hideously beige room.

An elderly man who neither of them knew happened to be walking past when they exited the room and gave them an odd look. He rolled his eyes dramatically at the suspicious couple, "Kids these days," he muttered, and staggered along with no further comments.

They returned to the upper floor of the yacht and attempted to regroup with Claire, Eva, and other Akatsuki members but were intercepted.

"LEAH!" Jason popped up in front of his sister and Deidara, seemingly out of nowhere. He was sweating, his shirt was off, and his tie was still wrapped around his head. He dragged his hand down his face to try to remove some of the sweat. "Hokay, whoo," he panted, "crazy party!"

"I'll say," Leah took a step away from Jason. He smelled like alcohol and sweat and it was not very pleasant.

Jason straightened up as if the gesture gave him some more authority. "Anyways, are you sure you're going to be alright by yourself tonight. We don't want what happened last time—"

Deidara draped his arm around Leah. "Don't worry, Jason. Leah invited me to sleep over so she'll be fine, un," he smiled at Jason.

Leah blushed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Deidara…" She shook her head, smiling.

Jason, however, was silent. He stared at them.

Not a word.

The smile faded from Deidara's face.

Leah frowned.

Jason remained silent. He looked from Leah, to Deidara, to Leah again, and back to Deidara. He sighed and clamped a hand on Deidara's shoulder. He looked him straight in the eye. "Please use a condom."

Leah's face turned bright red and she covered her mouth, laughing. "Dear god, Jason!"

The blonde doctor playfully ruffled Deidara's bangs. "Seriously though, if she gets pregnant or some weird disease, I know four different ways to neuter a man, so keep that in mind." He clapped Deidara on the shoulder again. "Have fun!" With that, he ran off to dance with Keoni some more.

"I heard the word 'condom'," Eva said. She had apparently wandered over to get away from Kisame.

"Are you sure that's not just your mind being in the gutter?" Leah asked.

Eva puckered her lips and stared at the ceiling in thought. "Eh, it probably was."

Leah giggled. "I'm just kidding, Eva. Jason was giving us a hard time because Deidara is spending the night."

Eva's eyebrows rose considerably and Deidara's smirk returned. "Oh. _Oh_. Well. I was going to talk to you guys but I guess if Deidara's spending the night, you're all buddy-buddy now. I guess I'll give you some _alone time_," she said with a wink, skipping back off to find someone to entertain her.

Leah sighed and turned to rest her head on Deidara's shoulder, smiling ever so slightly. "What have we done?"

XxX

Somehow, Eva, Kisame, Leah, Deidara, Claire, Hidan, Pein, Konan, Charli, and Suigetsu had managed to congregate on the front deck of the yacht. Eva had sought out her friends, and Kisame, despite his best efforts, had unintentionally followed her. Leah and Deidara were of course now on good terms, and were strangely unwilling to part, and Hidan was sticking to Claire like a kind of helpless, neglected puppy. As for the other guests, it was a large boat, but not so large that they were completely incapable of ever running into each other. Proven, of course, by the fact that they had.

As Suigetsu had been the last and least welcome of the members to arrive at their little congregation, Eva immediately rounded on him, determined to interrogate him before his cousin could douse him in another dish. "Suigetsu!" she exclaimed.

The still damp silver-haired boy froze, having apparently been on his way to a conversation with…someone other than Eva, for he looked surprised. "Yes?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I was invited."

Eva gave him a questioning look. "How do you know Jason? Or Rachel? You're from another dimension! How did you even get here?"

Suigetsu shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about, Miss…?"

"That's a joke, right? It's me, Eva."

"I've never met you before in my life," Suigetsu insisted.

The blonde girl scowled and suddenly grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him over to the others. "You're telling me you've never met her?" She pointed to Leah, "Or her?" then Claire.

"I know him," Suigetsu admitted with a sour expression, pointing to Kisame. "The bastard smashed a bowl of potato salad onto my skull earlier."

Kisame sighed and muttered something about 'every time'. "Suigetsu, if you don't drop the act I'm going to kick you where the sun does not shine," he threatened.

He considered this for a moment. "Oh right, Eva," he said, leaning casually against the railing with a smirk, "The chick who couldn't find wood in a forest!"

This did not to alleviate Eva's scowl, but elicited giggles from Claire and Leah, and curious smiles from those who were out of the loop. No one seemed to notice the shortest member of the group fuming below their eye level, fists clenched, teeth gritted. But then Charli took a step forward and either over or underestimated the trajectory of her kick, for she essentially Sparta-kicked him straight in the spot where, indeed, no sun did shine. Before his hand could shoot protectively to the severely battered spot between his legs, it needed to thrash out to side and grab the only thing available in an attempt to keep him on board the boat—Pein's arm.

Unfortunately, this achieved nothing except pulling both men overboard.

"Charli, why did you do that?" Leah exclaimed in horror as Eva dashed off to get help—at least for the Akatsuki leader.

"Because he kidnapped you and Eva and Claire and put me through hell…But I didn't mean to kick him _there_…Or for Pein to fall off! Oh god…" She started muttering apologies that no one really heard, for all eyes had turned to the direction of the loud ripping sound.

Konan had torn off her dress a few seconds ago to reveal black shorts and a tank top, a holster strapped to her leg complete with kunai and shuriken. Before anyone could even comprehend what was going on or ask any questions regarding the nature of her outfit, she had leapt up on the railing and completed a swan dive over the edge of the boat, into the freezing water below. The six remaining members of the group stared dumbly into the black depths of the sloshing water below. What had previously seemed to be peaceful ambience to complement a lovely evening now seemed to be the soundtrack for an ocean-themed horror movie.

"Konan…is macho…" Kisame stated eloquently.

"Damn straight," Hidan agreed absently.

She surfaced a few moments later (although it felt to the concerned onlookers like a day's worth of waiting at the DMV), trailing Pein behind her, who still had a stunned, Suigetsu-shaped growth attached to him, and swam towards the edge of the ship. She hooked her fingers into the links of the boat's anchor's chain and waited for the crew to pull the three of them up, generously sending Suigetsu first.

Eva returned with the crew members' appearance, and quickly made her way over to the railing where her friends were gathered. She peered over the edge cautiously. Now awakened to the fact that it _was_ possible to fall off the boat, they were all being extra wary. "What did I miss?" she asked. "Is that Konan?" She spun around, the image of the black dress on the deck surfacing to the top of her memory from when she had seen it mere seconds ago. "Is that Konan's _dress_?"

"Yes to all, un." Deidara was obviously still distracted.

Eva huffed and leaned against turned around to press her back against the railing, aware that she wasn't going to get anything out of these people. "And I still don't know how or why Suigetsu is here," she complained.

xXx

Around midnight, the yacht journeyed back to the dock, covering the few miles it had been from shore in a few minutes without much incident. The only exception had been Eva finding Suigetsu once more, demanding he tell her the reasons for his presence, and shoving a plate of cake in his face when he refused to do so.

The group had come together again right before they prepared to exit the boat, and they did so together, silently, for they were all very worn out from the night's activities. However, when they were all on the dock (a safe distance from the water, at Pein's insistence; he didn't think the Captain of the ship had any more dry clothes he would be willing to lend out) a man approached them, whom Leah immediately recognized and identified as "Dad".

The others started to walk away slowly as he gave her a hug, assuming it was father-daughter time they were intruding upon, but Leah's father called them back. "Hello," he said, "My name is Ray Filipowski. Nice to meet you all." He shook each of the Akatsuki members' hands individually. "Leah and Charli and Jason have told me so much about you all. I understand you're very good friends with my children and Eva and Claire. I just wanted to make sure you knew my address so you could come and visit when they go to college."

"Wait, college, un? What college?"

"I'm going to Virginia Tech, Leah's going to James Madison, and Eva's going to William and Mary," Claire answered. "We were going to tell you…"

"Yeah, it just kind of…got lost, what with finals and people getting married," Leah agreed.

Eva hunched sheepishly. "I forgot you didn't know."

Ray raised his eyebrows at the girls, obviously feeling for the confused and distraught criminals, but chose not to comment on their absentmindedness. "Well, in any case, I've written out my address and phone number, and here's my card." He offered a piece of paper and a small cardboard square to Kakuzu, who appeared to be the closest, who accepted it numbly. Satisfied, he left the girls to what promised to be an awkward conversation.

"You forgot?" was Zetsu's first question, obviously directed at Eva.

"Well it just seemed so obvious to us!" she retorted.

"This is certainly an interesting development," Itachi said.

Hidan gave him a sideways glance. "'Interesting'? That's all you have to say, seriously?"

"Well, it's not like we can't still visit them. We have the address, we just need to readjust the jutsu."

After a moment of shared silence, "Why didn't that occur to me, un?"

"Maybe because you're an idiot, _un_," Kakuzu mocked.

"Oh shut up, Kakuzu."

"You shut up, blondie."

"Guys, please don't fight!"

"All of you better shut up or I'm docking your pay."

"_Is my pay still reduced from destroying the cure for the common cold_?"

"It wasn't until you reminded me."

"Would you like some ice for that burn, Zetsu?"

"_I will eat you._"

"I'd be scared if I were you, seriously."

As they walked to their cars, the girls smiled to themselves, tuning out the bickering of their friends in the background. Maybe they weren't the perfect friends. Maybe they happened to be criminals—murderers, thieves, arsonists, general terrorists; maybe they were a little bit crazy sometimes. But they were still friends. They had still changed the lives of the three girls and their families. And those three wouldn't be able to imagine a life where they hadn't—not now, now that they had been through so much. So many kidnappings and threats and seemingly pointless transportation jutsus. So many mornings, afternoons, and evenings of happiness, sadness, anger, and silliness. The point was, the Akatsuki were there to stay.

Nothing could get in the way of that.

**Author's Note:**

**Leah: So, we were thinking of posting some drabbles relating to this and the previous stories. In no particular order, but just a little collection of one shots that we couldn't find a place for in the original stories so be on the lookout for those!**

**Claire: Essentially it will be a collection of a bunch of randomness chapters, or things we got ideas for but weren't really…involved in anything . Don't expect them to be up for a while, but we will be posting a new story in which to put our one shots. We already have at least 3 ideas…Yes, one of them is the 4****th**** of July thing that someone requested so long ago. I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU! –sob- Although I don't remember your sn and I don't really want to sort through the hundreds of reviews to find it, I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T HATE ME I LOVE YOU ALL.**

**Leah is sitting one foot away from me but for some reason wants ME to tell you **_**WE ARE OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS FOR STORIES**_**. Um. I don't think this necessarily means we will use all of them. But of course, feel free to suggest :D**


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